Minus Me (6 page)

Yes, and that’s Oscar, my boyfriend, thinks Linda. Whom I shall love with the whole of my mangled heart. She stuffs the X-ray quickly back into the envelope.

‘But that’s just a picture. It doesn’t really tell you much. It just says that I have to take things a bit easy. But only until I get a new one . . . a new heart, that is,’ says Linda.

‘Yeah . . . like someone’s going to give you a new heart!’ scoffs Henrik.

Linda acts like she hasn’t heard.

‘But actually, I wanted to tell you all something completely different. It’s my birthday on Saturday, and I’m going to be thirteen and stuff. So I’m having a party the day before, on Friday. It’s at my house. And everybody’s invited.’

‘Cool!’ says Markus.

‘But is your home big enough?’ asks Maria. ‘For the whole class?’

‘Sure. We’ll have it in my granny’s old flat. There’ll be a karaoke competition, and a disco, and a DJ and no adults. Will you all come?’

‘Yeah, sure!’ says Oscar, smiling and looking round at the others in the class. Everybody nods and says that of course they’ll come. Everybody apart from Henrik, who is staring at Linda with eyes narrowed like slits.

‘Okay, everybody,’ says the teacher. ‘Put the desks back, please. And remember; lift them, don’t drag them! Chop-chop!’

Linda goes over to her bag and puts the X-ray in the inside pocket.

‘You’re lying,’ says Henrik, sidling up to Linda.

‘What am I lying about?’

‘About getting a new heart. My mum’s a doctor and she says it’s almost impossible to get a donor; I mean, somebody that can give you a new heart.’

‘I know what a donor is. Do you think I’m stupid?’ snaps Linda.

‘But you’re going to die!’

‘Henrik! Linda! Can you help clear the classroom, please? Well, perhaps not you, Linda. Henrik, you can put Linda’s desk back as well as your own.’

‘Because you’re going to die soon,’ whispers Henrik, with a sneer.

‘I can always hope some idiot meets with an accident. You, for example,’ Linda says spitefully.

Chapter 12

When the class plays indoor hockey Linda has to sit out up in the stands. She’s brought a book with her, but instead of reading she finds herself looking down at Henrik and secretly wishing someone could give him a hearty jab in the ribs with their elbow. If only she could have played too, then she’d have done it herself. She can’t help smiling at the thought of him doubled up on the ground.

Oscar is running about down there too, with his freckled legs poking out from under his knee-length shorts. Suddenly he gives Henrik’s shin an almighty whack with his stick. Henrik howls with pain. Oscar shouts an apology, before looking up at Linda. He did it for me, thinks Linda. He’s really rather sweet, she thinks, smiling and waving down at her new boyfriend.

Suddenly a pair of Dr. Martens boots appear beside her, and wearing them is a boy. Linda eyes travel up to his face. It’s the boy. He offers her his hand.

‘I’m Zak,’ he says.

She takes his hand.

‘Linda.’

‘You’re the best,’ says Zak, sitting down beside her.

‘How do you mean, the best?’

‘At indoor hockey.’

‘No better than the boys.’

‘Being aggressive isn’t the same as being good. You strategize.’

‘How do you know that? How long have you been following me?’ asks Linda, feeling a sudden pang in her chest. She’s nervous of this Zak guy, and yet she feels drawn to him. Which is why she doesn’t get up and go, but remains sitting.

Zak ignores her questions. He just looks at her. It’s the same look as he had on the tram and at the swimming pool.

‘What do you want?’ she asks.

‘Let’s go outside,’ says Zak, getting up and buttoning his long black coat. It’s the coat that makes him look like some sort of emo kid, along with his pale face and the fact he looks like he’s wearing make-up.

‘I’m not allowed. I’ve got to sit and watch.’

‘Just leave.’

‘The teacher will go ballistic.’

‘Nobody will say anything, I promise. Just get up and leave,’ says Zak, winking at her.

Linda shuts her book and puts it in her rucksack. When she looks up again, Zak has gone and the door onto the playing field is sliding quietly closed. She stands up with her rucksack in her hand and gazes at the door. Then she swings her rucksack onto her back and very quickly, so she can’t change her mind, sneaks over to the exit.

‘Look, Miss! Linda’s leaving!’ shouts Henrik. She’d like to shove his face in dog turd.

‘Henrik, let’s concentrate on what we’re doing. Come on,’ says the teacher before blowing the whistle. Linda glances over her shoulder, and sees the teacher dropping the ball to continue play. So the sports teacher has erased her from future consideration too, thinks Linda.

It’s freezing cold out. Linda stops on the steps outside the gym, pulls up the zip on her jacket, and puts on her woolly hat. Squinting in the sharp winter sunlight she catches sight of Zak. He’s over by the fence with his back to the sun. She walks towards him. As she gets closer, she can see that he’s playing with a lighter.

‘So, what do you want?’ asks Linda.

‘To remind you that you’re going to die.’

‘Thanks, but that’s really not necessary.’

Zak succeeds in igniting the lighter and holds one hand over it, lowering it towards the flame and holding it there. Linda feels sure she can hear it hissing.

‘Doesn’t that hurt?’

Zak doesn’t answer. He just looks at her as she watches his hand. It’s almost as if she can smell burnt flesh. He closes his hand around the flame and extinguishes it. Then he puts the lighter in his inside coat pocket, before showing her the palm of his hand. It looks totally fine.

‘I thought you’d be more grateful,’ he says eventually.

‘Hmm. Thank you for saving me,’ says Linda. ‘It was you, wasn’t it?’

‘Well, yeah. But I was thinking more about the fact you cheated death,’ says Zak, looking away.

Linda doesn’t answer.

She looks down at her shoes. The toes are scuffed. If she’d polished them more, they might have lasted another year or so. That’s if she didn’t grow out of them first, of course.

‘Yes, death; the great mystery. It’s hardly strange that you’re afraid,’ says Zak.

‘Stop it.’

‘How long did the doctor give you? Ten months, ten weeks, ten days, ten minutes, ten seconds? Come on, how big was the lie?’

‘He said it might be okay. You said it yourself, I cheated death,’ Linda protests.

‘So he gave you hope?’

‘I might get a new heart.’

‘But then someone else has to die, have you considered that?’

Once again Linda’s eyes wander to the tips of her shoes. Maybe it’s not too late to clean them, a bit of black shoe polish and they’ll be as good as new. Zak grabs her around the wrist and drags her towards the car park. She tries to tear herself away, but he’s a good deal stronger than her.

‘What do you want? Who are you, really?’

‘I’m your new best friend.’

‘I didn’t ask for a new friend,’ says Linda, digging her heels into the gravel so he’s forced to stop.

‘Admit it, you are a bit curious,’ says Zak, without letting her go.

‘I need to get back to class,’ says Linda, even though he’s right; she is curious, and she does want to go with him. It doesn’t really matter where to, she just wants to get away from school.

‘Why should you go back in there? Haven’t you noticed that they’re already treating you as though you’re dead? You’re not in the script for the future – that’s why they don’t give you any hassle.’

‘I’ll get into trouble,’ says Linda, feeling her resolve weaken. The grip around her wrist loosens.

‘No, you won’t, and do you know why?’ says Zak, letting her go.

Linda shakes her head.

‘Because they’re scared of you.’

‘How do you mean?’

‘They’re scared of you because you’re going to die. And looking at you reminds them that they’ll die too one day. You remind them that life is just a matter of chance.’

‘You’re not nice,’ says Linda, turning away.

‘At least I’m honest.’

‘So is Henrik.’

‘Sure, but he’s a turd.’

‘And you’re not?’

‘Do you think I smell bad?’ Zak smiles. He reaches his hand out to her. Linda hesitates before taking it. His hand is cold. He pulls her closer. He’s right; he doesn’t smell the least shitty. In fact, he doesn’t smell of anything at all.

Alright, she thinks to herself. I’ll go with him. I’ll take the chance.

Zak has lent her his helmet and now she’s riding on the back of his moped, arms round his waist.

‘Can’t you feel it?’ Zak yells over his shoulder. He’s wearing her woolly hat. She doesn’t know any other boys who would casually stick a girl’s hat on their heads.

‘Feel what?’ she shouts back, feeling laughter erupting inside her. For the first time since the dive she feels like laughing aloud.

‘That life is good! All you have to do is hit the accelerator,’ says Zak, putting his foot down. He leans forward over the handlebars and Linda leans with him.

‘Isn’t this fun?’

Zak laughs. Linda laughs. And their laughter and the hum of the engine fuse as they whizz along the quay.

Suddenly she realizes that he’s driving straight towards the fjord.

‘Watch out for the edge of the quay! Are you mad?’

‘What if you didn’t have long left? Wouldn’t you wish you could fly for those last few seconds? Ten, nine, eight, seven . . .’

‘Stop! I want to get off.’

‘. . . four, three . . .’

Linda feels her heart spluttering and stuttering again.

Dunk, de-de-dunk, dunk, de, dunk. She sees the edge coming closer.

‘. . . two, one, zero . . .’

They fly into the air, and the moped disappears from beneath them. Linda shuts her eyes. Her heart is juddering like an old engine.

Chapter 13

Linda shoots through the water like an otter. She tries to come to the surface, but there’s a hand clutching at her foot. Linda backs away, trying to get loose. Then she sees Axel’s face in front of her. His lips are moving. Although she can’t hear him, his words reach her: I’ve missed you.

‘Hi!’

It is Zak’s voice. Linda opens her eyes and looks up at him. There are snowflakes floating down from the sky, gently hitting her face and melting, but otherwise she’s completely dry and still in one piece. They haven’t landed in the water after all. Zak has snow in his hair, and he is caressing her cheek.

‘Am I dead?’

‘What do you think?’ he answers.

He plonks himself down so hard that the wooden surface beneath them rocks. They’ve landed on a floating jetty below the quay. Did Zak know it was here? Had he planned this? Linda feels her body all over. It doesn’t hurt anywhere. Zak gets up and stretches out a hand to help her up. She pretends not to have noticed and scrambles up on all fours.

‘Where did the moped go?’ she asks.

Zak smiles, and tosses his head back towards the water.

‘My God, you’re crazy. I was sure that was the end,’ says Linda, creeping to the edge of the jetty, and looking down into the sea. She breathes in the faint smell of salt and seaweed, but can see nothing other than her own reflection in the still water.

‘It was only a moped,’ says Zak.

He stands behind her on the jetty, legs wide apart and hands on hips.

‘You scare me,’ says Linda, sitting back down on the jetty.

‘Good.’

‘Good?’

‘Yes. That means you’ll forget to be afraid of all the other stuff.’

‘You mean, that I’m going to die.’

‘Well, strictly speaking you’ve already been through that.’

‘What do you mean?’ asks Linda, tucking her knees up under her chin.

‘In the swimming hall, of course.’

‘I don’t really remember much. But I suppose that might be true,’ she says hesitantly, before falling silent and resting her chin on her knees. Even though it’s snowing, she isn’t shivering. ‘But it was as though I saw everything from a bird’s-eye view. And I saw you too. I saw you running towards me, and I saw you smash your fist into my chest. It was that punch in my chest that saved my life,’ says Linda, looking up at him.

‘You just left your body,’ Zak says matter-of-factly, as though that was a daily occurrence.

‘Was that why you looked up at me? You were the only person who looked up. Everybody else was busy looking down at my body,’ says Linda, aware of her growing curiosity about Zak.

‘That’s right. But how did it feel to leave your body?’ he asks enthusiastically.

‘It was . . . peaceful. As though everything down there, all the drama, was meaningless and unimportant.’