More Than I Wanted (5 page)

“What
exactly does that mean?”

“Why
don’t we see where this takes us? One step at a time, but let’s
try it out, see how it feels being a couple. What do you say?”

“I’d
like that,” I said, laying my head against him.

“I
like how soft your hair feels against me,” he said, wrapping
his arm around to pull me in closer.

“Austin?”

“Hmm?”

“Why
did you call? You didn’t seem interested when we first met,”
I kicked myself, but the words were out. “What changed?”

“Relationships
scare me, but Scott spoke highly of you. I just got back from a tour,
and I’ve got some emotional stuff to work through. It’s
hard to explain what that means, but I didn’t want to drag you
through it. It’s what hurt my past relationship,” he
spoke honestly, and from the heart. I appreciated the truth, but
hearing about a past relationship left me feeling a twinge of
jealousy. “I go off as one person, and come home as another,
and it takes awhile to adjust. That’s hard on both people, but
I’m hoping it’s behind me. This was my last tour.”

“Was
it scary?”

“Sometimes,”
he said, “but you’re there to do a job, and you trust
your team. Mostly, you’re focused on your assignment. I don’t
want to bore you with this stuff, and honestly, it’s hard to
share with people who haven’t been through it.”

“I’m
sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.”

“You’re
not prying, and I don’t mean to shut you out, it’s just
its own thing.”

“Was
it a long relationship,” what the hell am I doing? I kicked
myself, stop, stop, close your mouth, and stop doing this.

“I
was married,” he said. “It’s since ended.”

“Oh,”
this took me by surprise. He has an ex-wife. Shit. I didn’t
realize. I wonder if Heather knew and omitted that information, or if
she was unaware. I tried to wrap my head around the idea of him
having an ex-wife, but I didn’t like it.

“Why
don’t we change the topic, that’s in the past,” he
said, leaning over me, sweetly kissing my lips.

I
was married
played through my head over and over.
Shit. He’s
got a lot of baggage, hell, we all do, but he was married. Maybe this
is a mistake. Why? It’s an ex-wife, let it go. Take it one day
at a time, stop trying to dictate what this is, and just enjoy it for
once
.

I
let his lips melt away the thoughts swirling through my brain. I knew
they’d rush back later, but for now his mouth was all that I
cared about. Okay, well if things stirred below, I’d care about
that too.

Making
love, is that what it’s called when we aren’t in love
yet? I don’t know, but there was a new softness and warmth, a
renewed interest between us. This time our hungry passion was tamed,
and we took our time exploring each other’s bodies slower,
getting to know one another on a very intimate level.

Worn,
but deliciously satisfied, I curled in next to Austin. I could smell
and taste my essence on his lips, after an incredible orgasm.
Sprawled between my legs, he slid back up beside me, holding me, and
now in the afterglow I licked his lips, which tasted of me. His
tongue and fingers had done amazing things to my body, and I was limp
from exhaustion.

Such
an intimate pleasure shared between two new lovers, and for a moment
in time it felt like he belonged to me. I hoped that feeling would
linger, but I knew my own bits of jealousy and insecurity would crop
up and block my way.

I
woke to Austin kicking, wrestling with the sheets, and didn’t
know whether to wake him or let him go. It was obviously a nightmare,
but I didn’t know what to do. He was sweaty, fighting,
something – I couldn’t tell.

It
was the first time I’d seen him go through this. Was I supposed
to wake him, let him go? I knew he’d been struggling with
nightmares time to time, as he’d talked about it at the tavern.
He didn’t go into detail, but said it’s been rough
getting back to a regular sleeping pattern. He’d mentioned that
when he does finally sleep, sometimes bad dreams haunt him.

I
gently nudged him, hoping to soothe him out of it. He looked so
vulnerable in his sleep, and my heart broke for him wondering what
plagued him. Was it something he saw when he was away? I nudged a
little harder, finally pulling him from it.

“Huh?
What?” He sat up, looking around. Turning he looked at me,
getting his bearings back. It took him a second, but he realized
where he was.

“It’s
okay,” I said, stroking his arm, trying to calm him. I hope I
did the right thing by waking him.

He
sat staring at the wall across from the foot of the bed. Beads of
sweat ran down his face, though the room wasn’t overheated. He
looked at me and got up. Pacing in the bedroom, he said nothing, and
then walked to the bathroom. Was it a mistake? Should I have let him
sleep?

I
heard quiet crying from the bathroom. I climbed out of bed and went
to the door frame. “Do you want to talk?” I hadn’t
seen a grown man openly cry in ages, and it tore my heart out.

“I’m
fine,” he said, sniffling. “I just need a few minutes.
I’ll be out shortly.”

I
sat in bed, wondering what I’d gotten myself into. I felt
selfish for wanting everything to be perfect out of the gate, but
this wasn’t going to be a regular relationship. I knew that, I
could feel it deep, and yet, I wanted to hold him, comfort him, and
make it all better. I knew I’d weather the storm with Austin,
whatever it might be.

When
he emerged from the bathroom, he quietly slid back into bed and
stared at the ceiling.

“Are
you okay?”

“Just
par for the course,” he said. “You should go back to
sleep.”

I
reached over and ran my fingers over him tenderly. My feelings were
growing, but I wasn’t sure where to place them, not just yet. I
didn’t know how to help him, and felt lost. I wanted to help,
but it wasn’t something he was ready to share.

Austin
laid there in silence, his arms tucked behind his head, as he stared
at the ceiling. I fell asleep at some point, but it pained me knowing
he was struggling. On waking I saw he’d finally fallen asleep,
and got out of bed as quietly as I could. I stood watching him sleep
for awhile, before quietly leaving the room so he could rest.

When
I spoke to Heather the next morning, she told me about Scott going
through some stuff when he got back from his past tours. She hadn’t
told me a lot of this stuff before, and I realized there was more
involved to hooking up with Austin than just sex. She promised me it
would work itself out, and he’d be worth it, just to give him a
little time.

I
broached the topic of his marriage asking if she was aware, and
Heather meekly admitted she knew that kernel of truth. She was afraid
I’d form an opinion before getting to know him. She told me
over and over again that he’s divorced. It was awhile ago and
she’s no longer in the picture. I guess after enough times of
hearing it, I finally believed it.

I
scanned the internet after he went home, and searched for pictures
and information on Austin and his ex-wife. I didn’t have a lot
of time; I still had to get a run in and get to work. I knew it was
prying, but I was curious and needed to see what I could find. It
took me a little while, but I finally dug up an old picture that was
online, some bridesmaid from the wedding had their picture up with
their names and was blogging about what went wrong. Seriously?
Friends do that shit? Note to self, watch who your friends are.

My
stomach hurt seeing his wife, ex-wife. She was gorgeous, a brunette
with red highlights, long hair past her shoulders, petite features,
and obviously prettier than me. I suddenly felt small, not good
enough, and hated myself for having looked for things in the first
place. It’s not my business; I shouldn’t be digging for
information. Be careful what you ask for, because you just might find
it… and there I sat, disgusted with myself, and realizing his
ex-wife was prettier than I am. Not a great place to be.

Her
name was Emily, and her friend was obviously bitter against Austin.
Screw her. How dare she do that to her supposed friends, and say mean
things about him. It made me bitter, but I couldn’t stop
reading, trying to glimmer any detail about my new guy that I could
pick up.

Apparently
he wasn’t himself, not the man Emily first married, and after
he went away things changed. It wasn’t some long expose, but it
was a few paragraphs – sort of like, hey you know that wedding
I was in, well, this is where they are now kind of post. It pissed me
off, knowing my Austin was being talked about that way, but I was
more upset sitting there looking at the picture of the once happy
couple. I wished I’d never looked. Now that I’d opened
Pandora’s Box, there was no going back. What would Austin think
of me, if he knew I was snooping like this?

I
couldn’t think clearly. I knew it was my own fault, but I was a
mess. After pacing around my living room, I went and laced up my
running shoes. A few miles into my run, I let it all go. Coming home,
I was exhausted, but knew the miles I put in was better than any
therapy I could pay for.

I
was a few minutes late for work, but nothing my boss would chew me
out about. We had pretty flexible schedules, as long as you put your
time in. It had been a rough night and morning, and all I wanted to
do was get lost in my work. Heather stopped by my desk and gave me a
quick hug.

“We’ll
talk during lunch,” she said before heading back to her
cubicle.

“Yes,
I know Emily,” Heather started, “Austin and Scott go way
back. It wasn’t anybody’s fault at first; it was just the
stress of military life that made the first crack in their
relationship. Then it got ugly. After awhile, Emily started fooling
around because she got lonely. She stopped the affair when Austin
came back home, but they were fighting a lot, she said he wasn’t
the same person she married, and eventually things came to blows. She
filed for divorce, and it wrapped up pretty quickly, since there
weren’t kids involved.”

I
sat transfixed, listening to the details about the man I was dating.
I wanted every shred of detail I could get, and asked way too many
questions. When it came down to it, she moved on before he did, and
when he found out later she’d been fooling around on him, he
was livid. He didn’t contest the divorce, and held less than
stellar opinions about his ex-wife, the one willing to sleep with
another man while her husband is off at war. He was crushed though in
all honesty. What man wouldn’t be? You think you’re doing
your part, and your partner is off doing somebody else.

Sitting
in the lunchroom, Heather and I hashed over the details of his past.
I admitted that we’d decided to carry on as a couple, but that
I’d snooped on the internet after he left. I was embarrassed
to tell her at first, but being a woman, I knew she got that. I just
wish I hadn’t looked at the picture, because I kept seeing her
face and how pretty she was. How could I compete with that? I was
simply average, okay maybe a little above average in looks, but she
was downright stunning. Obviously a bitch, but a stunning bitch at
that.

I
hated Emily, hated her with a passion. I didn’t even know her,
but that she hurt him so deeply, I was crushed. I wanted to wrap him
in my arms, tell him I knew the details and that I wouldn’t
hurt him that way. Only, I couldn’t tell him any of this. He
couldn’t know I’d snooped, or he’d be pissed and
wouldn’t trust me. I made my own bed, and had to deal with it.

Austin
and I dated about twice a week, and continued getting to know one
another. On the weekends, I either slept at his place, or he slept at
mine. I had a little more room at my place, so we settled there more
often. We were currently following a pattern of Tuesday nights we’d
have dinner out and snuggle a bit, maybe watch television together,
but then go our separate ways at the end of the evening. Saturdays
were all day lust filled fun, and we’d pick an activity or two.
Whether it was lunch out, a movie, a walk, a wine tasting, it didn’t
matter, it was time with Austin.

Work
was work, and Austin had his own stuff going on. The military had
their own schedule of training, rules, and we worked around those
things as well. Sometimes he was around, sometimes he wasn’t. I
grew used to it, but counted down the days until he would be free of
this lifestyle. I looked forward to a normal life and schedule.

Things
were pretty calm and moving along smoothly. We connected emotionally,
and while I’d like to claim it was love, I didn’t know if
it was. Well, I knew I’d fallen in love with Austin, but I
didn’t have a clue what his feelings were. He didn’t
express them deeply, and while I felt cared about, and we shared a
deep intimacy in bed, I just didn’t know where he stood in our
relationship. I wanted to believe he loved me, but maybe it was too
soon.

After
a Saturday night of mind blowing sex, I went out for my usual run
while Austin slept in. Coming home, I quietly climbed into the
shower, wanting to freshen up before my guy woke up. The water felt
good, and standing in the water I relaxed.

The
hot water sprayed over me, washing away the salty grime from my
sweaty body. My head always felt so much clearer after a run. I was
enjoying a leisurely wash up when the shower curtain opened.

“Mind
if I join you,” he asked with a schoolboy grin. Austin stood
there smiling and naked, ready to get in.

I
smiled and watched him as he joined me. His body was a thing of
beauty, strong, and masculine. I loved his chest, solid and muscled,
and his broad shoulders. I picked up the soap and ran it over one of
his tattooed arms. “Hey, good morning,” I whispered,
before leaning in to kiss him.