More Than I Wanted (9 page)

I
wouldn’t be able to hold him, touch him, kiss him, or make love
to him. Austin wouldn’t be here. He’d simply be a ghost,
a memory, and I’d have to live like that for an entire year
hoping he’d come home to me. I felt like a coward, but it was
my truth. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to do this for
an entire year.

I
had to make a decision before I lost my courage. I went and pulled my
cell phone out of my purse. “Need to talk, can you come over.”
I texted the message before it was too late and changed my mind.

“It’s
kind of late,” I got back.

“It’s
important.”

“Give
me thirty minutes,” he answered.

I
hated what I was about to do. I hated myself for the cowardly
decision I was about to make, but when it came down to it, a year was
a year. I couldn’t put my life on hold and hope that things
worked out. We were a new couple, there were no guarantees, and I’d
be sick to my stomach daily for a year. I didn’t want to live
that way.

I
felt sick to my stomach; when the knock came at the door I didn’t
want to answer it. I knew if I did, I was going to follow through and
tell him it was over. My heart was breaking, and I knew the minute I
saw his face, looked into his eyes, I’d melt.

Only
this wasn’t just about today, tonight, or tomorrow. This was
about an entire freaking year, a year of torment, worrying, crying,
and hoping he would be okay. I needed to break this bond before I got
in any deeper. There was no turning back, I’d made my decision.

I
took a deep breath and opened the door.

“You
look somber,” he said. “Are you okay?”

I
sucked my bottom lip into my mouth, trying to hold back tears.
Shaking my head no, I caught my breath, desperately willing myself
not to cry.

“What’s
the matter, Kate?” He came in to hold me.

Oh
his arms, his solid strong arms, don’t let go. His chest, his
shoulders, firm and strong; I want him so badly, and yet it will only
lead to hurt and pain down the road. Be strong, you have to do this,
it’s better to let go now. It will be pure torture to miss him
and worry for an entire year.

I
couldn’t find my words, and let him hold me.

Finally,
he pulled back just far enough to tip my chin up and look me in the
eyes. “What is it, baby? Is it the fight from earlier today?
It’s okay, I’m not angry, it’s going to happen.
Arguments happen, don’t let that worry you. I’m not going
anywhere.”

I
felt like a heel. I broke down. I needed to tell him, but I couldn’t.
I wanted him, wanted to be with him, just one more time. It was
wrong, I shouldn’t, and yet I couldn’t see right from
wrong at this moment – I could only see Austin, my sweet,
handsome Austin holding me close.

“Shhh,”
he said, pulling me closer again. He kissed the top of my head, “It’s
okay, Kate.”

I
finally broke free, “It’s not all right.” I was
sobbing, ugly crying now, “I can’t do this. I’m a
coward. I can’t do this, not for an entire year.”

It
took him a moment to realize what I was saying. He walked away, paced
for a moment and then sat on the sofa looking at me. His voice was
soft, “What are you saying?”

“I
can’t do this. I’ll be sick to my stomach for a year
straight, worrying about you, hoping you’re okay, wondering
what’s going on, knowing I’m not a part of your daily
life. I won’t be able to see you, hold you, make love to you,”
I was rambling, talking fast. “I don’t know if I can go
an entire year. That’s a long time.”

“I
see,” he stood again, and put his hands in his front pockets.
He was shaking his head, trying to absorb the words.

Nothing
.
He didn’t say another thing. He just stood there.

“Say
something, anything,” I pleaded.

“What
do you want me to say?” He slowly walked towards the door.

“No,
don’t go, not yet. Talk to me, get angry, please do something,
say something…” but it was too late. He didn’t beg
me to change my mind, he didn’t hold me, he didn’t try to
make it better, he simply turned away.

Austin
pulled the door shut behind him and was gone. The room felt empty and
swallowed me completely. I felt small, and my chest heaved as the
sobbing started.

I
dropped to the floor, crying hysterically. I just let the best thing
that has ever happened to me walk out the door. I am a complete fool.
I wanted to run after him, tell him I changed my mind. Only, it
wouldn’t change the fact that he was leaving for an entire
year, and I’d be left with the same dilemma all over again.

My
heart broke and fell to the floor in little pieces.

I
was in shock. Did I really just do that? How? Why? This is wrong, I
need to fix it. I have to call him back, text him, go to his house. I
can’t let him go like this, I love him. It’s wrong…so
many thoughts swirling through my mind, and yet I was frozen to the
floor, crying, sobbing, unable to move or function.

I’m
an idiot, how could I do that. It was a mistake; I should have stood
by him. He has to go back there, and he’s going to be alone. I
should have been strong. I’m a bad person, fuck, what did I do?
What the hell? It’s not fair; he can’t expect me to do
this, not for an entire year. It’s too much, I can’t
handle it, it’s not fair. The tears wouldn’t stop.

I
know, I’ll work with him, maybe we can write, stay in touch as
friends. If we still want to stay together when he gets home, we’ll
have forged a stronger bond by staying in touch. That’s it, I
can still be his friend, but we’ll hold off on the relationship
aspect. I’ll call him in the morning, we can work this out.

He
won’t want to work this out, what did I just do. I’ve
just pushed Austin as far away as I possibly could. I’m weak,
I’m a fool, and he’s gone…I can’t live
without him. I need him. What did I just do? This is a mistake…it
was a mistake.

My
breathing slowed as I stared at the wall. I had to do it. I’d
be sick to my stomach for an entire year. I love him, I do, but I
don’t know if I can live that way. I just don’t know. I
don’t know how long I sat there staring ahead, but I couldn’t
move.

I
couldn’t focus as much as I wanted to. My mind jumped from one
thought to the next. My face was wet from tears, but the crying
finally subsided. I looked at the pattern in the rug, and finally
after what felt like ages, stood and made my way to the bedroom.
Climbing into bed, I cried myself to sleep. What’s done is
done.

My
eyes were tired, sore from crying. I woke and didn’t want to
get out of bed. How could I? I’d just destroyed my life. I’m
nothing without Austin. I felt so dramatic, and yet I was broken. We
were new, enjoying each other, still crazy in love, and I shattered
it with a sledge hammer, breaking us apart.

I
worried about him, and wondering how he was doing this morning. I
wanted to call him, stop by, see him, tell him we’d be okay,
but the truth is, we wouldn’t. We were no longer a couple, and
it wasn’t my business to know how he was doing. We severed our
bond last night, and I was no longer a part of his life. I cried
again realizing what I’d done. I felt shell shocked, wondering
what I was thinking. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I wanted
to pull the covers over my head and stay there all day – and
that’s exactly what I did.

I
didn’t have it in me to call Heather, I knew what she’d
say, and how disappointed she’d be. I refused to answer my
phone when it rang later. I looked at the caller ID. It wasn’t
Austin. He wasn’t calling and begging me to take him back, in
fact it was way too silent. I wanted to talk to him, talk about it,
needed to talk to him, but he wanted no part of talking. He made that
clear when he walked out. I didn’t have the strength to discuss
anything with anyone. I only wanted Austin back, and yet I was the
one who pushed him away. I hated myself, hated myself so much, and
yet knew deep down it had to happen.

I
could only avoid Heather so long, since I’d see her at work. I
dreaded that first look between us. Usually a best friend would hug
you, comfort you, tell you it would be okay, but I all ready knew
where she stood. She made that clear, and she’d take his side.
I felt alone, and had no one to talk to. I could always call my
folks, but I hated to involve them. I had other friends, but they
wouldn’t understand, couldn’t know what this was about.
How could they know, understand the idea that their boyfriend would
be leaving for a year…sure in theory, but how could they
really know? There was emptiness inside of me.

Walking
down the corridor at work, I looked at the floor. I had to walk
directly past Heather’s cubicle to get to my own. I was afraid
to see her eyes, the look of disappointment. She made it clear when I
called her the other day where she stood. I ached for understanding,
but I wasn’t sure if I’d get it.

She
watched me walk by, gave a little wave, but didn’t say
anything. Maybe she didn’t know. Oh my gosh, I didn’t
tell her yet. Austin probably didn’t say anything, why would
he? He’s probably dwelling in it by himself. No wonder…I
dreaded telling her, and knowing we’d have to discuss it during
lunch. Maybe I could put it off, tell her after work, or even just
wait until tomorrow.

A
little later, she was standing at my cubicle, “You okay?”

“What?”
I looked up from my computer screen. I didn’t want to look her
in the eye, not yet.

“You
don’t seem like yourself, you’re quieter than usual.”

“I’m
fine, just a lot on my mind. Can we maybe go out for lunch today,
instead of eating here? I could really use someone to talk to.”
I didn’t want to have this conversation, but I couldn’t
avoid it forever. She’d hate me when it was over, and there’s
not a damn thing I can do. I made my decision and now I have to live
with it.

“Yeah,
sure,” she said. “Let’s go a little later, so it’s
not crowded. Want to do Pablo’s, say maybe two? We can stretch
our lunch break a little bit, since things are slower.”

“Do
you have something to hold you over, Momma?”

She
smiled, patting her belly, “Yeah, I have some crackers in my
drawer.”

I
knew she’d hate me after lunch. It made me sad. I had to tell
her though; it wasn’t fair to leave her hanging. I mourned the
loss of our friendship before it happened. She’d made herself
perfectly clear on the phone the other day.

As
lunch approached, I had knots in my stomach, knowing I couldn’t
avoid the topic. I glanced at the clock easily a hundred times, and
as the minutes ticked closer I dreaded the impending conversation.
What’s done is done, and I had to face the consequences.

“Ready?”
She said, standing at my desk.

“Yeah,”
I was feeling somber. I didn’t know how I’d find the
words. She’d be so disappointed in me, and would shut me out.
My heart broke, knowing what was about to happen to our friendship.

Let’s
be honest, Austin was all that I wanted, even more than I needed, and
suddenly we hit a little bump and I bailed. I felt like a lousy
person, a terrible girlfriend, and more than anything I was
miserable. I wanted him back in my life, but for what? For what? A
few more months, and then I would have to spend an entire year
crying… every time I convinced myself it was a mistake and I
should try to mend our fences, I also convinced myself it was time to
let go. It was a no win situation.

Driving
over to Pablo’s, I asked about Heather’s pregnancy
wanting to avoid the other topic a little longer.

Heather’s
tone got warm and she talked faster, excitement in her voice. “We’re
going for an ultrasound, sonogram, whatever you want to call it,
anyway, we’re going soon, and I can’t wait! We get to
hear the heartbeat now, and it’s amazing, so fast and
sweet…she’s like a little bean in there. Well, we don’t
actually know if it’s a boy or girl, I just say she, but you
know what I mean. I wasn’t too sick, and believe you me, the
way people talk I was expecting to have horrible morning sickness,
but really I just had some motion sickness time to time, like in a
car.” She barely took a breath, and continued.

I
loved seeing her so happy, so excited, and I realized I wouldn’t
get to share in the rest of her pregnancy, the tiny details, going
shopping, being there when the baby was born. My heart shattered into
smaller pieces, if that was even possible.

“I
think I go in a couple of weeks, and we might be able to tell if it’s
a boy or girl, but we don’t know if we are going to find out. I
mean, I want to know, he doesn’t want to yet, so we’ll
see. We haven’t decided yet. We are discussing names, but
nothing is confirmed yet. Amber is my favorite for a girl, and of
course we’d like Scott Junior for a boy, but it’s not set
in stone yet.” She started to laugh, “Oh my goodness, I’m
just going on and on, I’m sorry about that.”

“Don’t
apologize, it’s wonderful. I love to see you so excited, and I
do want to hear every tiny detail.” I meant every word of that.

Pulling
up to Pablo’s, I parked the car and took a deep breath. It was
now or never. “I have something to tell you,” I said as
we walked up to the hostess station.

She
looked over, “Is it the fight you guys had? Is everything okay?
Did you smooth it over, or is it still going on?” She showed
obvious concern.

After
being seated and placing our orders, I finally exhaled and started
the processing of letting it out tiny bits at a time. I knew
everything would be different when we left here today. I hated what
was about to happen, but it was time.

“I
broke up with Austin.” My voice was flat. I looked right at
Heather, watching her expression.

“Over
your fight, seriously? Honey, you guys can get past this. Emily means
nothing to him at this point in his life, don’t let your
insecurities get the best of you.” She was trying to comfort
me.