More Than I Wanted (13 page)

It’s
the most he’d ever said about what happened. I reached down and
squeezed his hand as we reached the car. “That must have been
horrible, and to be trapped with the memories, I can’t even
imagine.” It was a lot to take in. I couldn’t fathom what
it would be like to live with those kinds of memories.

“Anyway,
I don’t do hospitals well,” he said. “I’m
just not ready.”

“It’s
okay. If you ever want to talk about this stuff, I’m here. I
can listen or discuss it, or whatever you need.” I tried to be
sympathetic, but what do you say to something like that? I hated that
he had to go through that, and wondered if it would haunt him
forever. Would time heal those kinds of psychological wounds?

“I
appreciate it, but I prefer not to talk about it too much. I’ve
said a few things to Scott and had a psych evaluation after my last
tour, but I keep most of it inside.” I could tell it was hard
for him to talk about it. I didn’t want to push for more
details, but wanted him to know I was here for him if he needed to
talk.

“I
don’t know what to tell you. I’d think getting it out
would help, but I’ve never been through what you’ve been
through. I hope time heals some of it for you,” I said,
wondering if I’d have to give birth at home if I got pregnant.
Would he come to the hospital then, or would it still be too much? He
had a good reason to react to hospitals, though I wondered how long
something like that lasts.

I
felt selfish even randomly thinking of other things like that. I
didn’t know how not to sometimes. I couldn’t even fathom
having to see things he saw, and be forced to remember them. It
explained the nightmares though. I almost didn’t want to know
what else he saw.

Driving
home, it was late, and with the adrenaline rush coming down I was
ready for sleep. Curling up in bed, I drifted off quickly. Morning
came way too fast. Stretching, I rolled over and saw Austin still
fast asleep. I could still get a run in, but decided to blow it off.
Most of the heavy rain had dissipated, and it was now only a mist.

Watching
him sleep for a moment, I realized how lucky I was that he not only
forgave me after my massive mistake of letting go, but took the time
to come back. Most men would have sulked and walked away, so that he
was even back was an incredible thing. I couldn’t imagine my
life without him. It was going to crush me when he went away, but I
had faith he’d come home to me.

My
stomach twitched, realizing the months were slipping by so quickly.
We still had time, but I knew it would go by fast. I cherished every
moment we had left together, but soon it would run out and he’d
have to leave. My stomach knotted thinking about it.

I’d
been tossing around the idea of introducing him to my folks, but with
the uncertainty of our future, I held off earlier. I was pretty sure
we were going to stick together, and knew it was long overdue. My
parents kept bugging me to bring him around, and I’d make
excuses as to why we couldn’t make it. I guess it was now or
never.

I
lived a couple of hours from them, which was close enough for
emergencies, but far enough that they couldn’t just drop by and
dabble too much in my life. When I first moved farther away, it was
for a job I took, but I liked the area and stayed. I missed having
them so close at first, and then started to realize I liked having
some distance between us.

I
guess I should warn him about my mom’s nosy nature. I all ready
dreaded the visit, but realized I’d put it off long enough.
Maybe I’d bring up the topic, and I guess he’ll probably
want to do the same, introduce me to his folks before he goes away.
Am I getting ahead of myself? He never mentioned introducing me, but
on the other hand, I hadn’t either.

I
groaned and knew what our conversation would entail. I knew my folks
would be thrilled to meet the guy that’s stolen my heart, but I
still felt like a little girl. Since I’d moved, I hadn’t
brought anyone home, and they let me know. Boy, did they let me
know…You never bring anyone around; we want to be involved,
blah, blah, blah. Maybe I should wait.

Mom
would ask way too many embarrassing questions, and Dad would be all
suspicious wondering what his intentions were. Ugh, maybe I’ll
put it off a little longer. I kept going back and forth, trying to
decide. It’s not that I didn’t think it would go over
well, I think I was more embarrassed at what might get said. Mom
would probably dig out my old photo albums, she loved to do that.
It’s horrific seeing all my pictures from my awkward phases,
and they’d sit and laugh together. It blew up bigger and bigger
in my mind, until I convinced myself it wasn’t time yet.

I
wondered if he hadn’t asked me to meet his parents due to the
same things. Would they embarrass him, share stories that would leave
him blushing, or scrutinize my every move, like if I was using the
right piece of silverware. Okay, I’m officially nuts and over
analyze things way too much!

I
obviously need to run. There was no faster way to turn off my brain
when it went into hyper mode like this. I stretched and threw on an
outfit and my running shoes. I grabbed my water bottle and tucked a
key into the elastic pouch around it. I figured two or three miles
should do the job and headed out the door.

Climbing
into the shower, I knew Austin should be waking soon. I wanted to get
a call into Heather and Scott and see how she was doing. Hopefully
she’d be on her way home this afternoon, and be back in the
comfort of her own bed. I made a mental note to send her flowers and
check on her later.

The
run was a smart move, and my thoughts were clear. Standing in the
water, washing off the sweat, I revisited our relationship in my
mind. In a short time we’d all ready been through so much. What
I learned more than anything is that my life was better with Austin
in it. There was no denying the fact; I was madly in love with the
guy.

Drying
off, I peeked around the corner and watched my lover sleeping. A soft
smile spread across my face, and it took everything inside not to
pounce on him. Looking so content and handsome, all I could think
about was climbing on him and feeling him inside of me. I toyed with
the idea of waking him up sensually, but decided to let him sleep.
There would be time to play later.

When
Austin got the news that his deployment was pushed up, he almost
didn’t want to tell me. They were sending the unit in sooner
than anticipated. I was heartbroken. I thought I still had time with
him, but that time was sliced up into little bits and pieces. I was
blindsided, realizing I’d have to work through my feelings
faster than I wanted.

I
wasn’t ready – not yet. This meant good-bye, and I wasn’t
prepared for that. We were in a really good place, and just like that
it changed. Our lives would be disrupted for an entire year. I was
angry, but knew more than anything I’d grieve the loss of him
being in my life here in the states.

How
am I going to convince him I’m okay, and keep a calm and
supportive face when I’m dying inside? It’s not fair,
I’m not ready for him to go, but the last thing he needs is to
worry about me. I was stunned that they could pull another fast one
on him. First pulling him back into deployment, and now this? How
does this even happen?

He
told me that things can shift by days, weeks, and months, it was just
the way it was. Nothing was certain. You either had to hurry up and
wait, or move now without warning. He seemed detached explaining it,
but I guess he had to deal with his own feelings about leaving again.
I wondered if he’d shut down on me or get more emotional. I
didn’t have a clue how I’d keep my feelings in check.

It
wasn’t if he would leave, but when. Not knowing only left me on
edge, knowing the date may shift again. I prayed if it did, it
shifted back, not forwards.

My
feelings were mixed up beyond belief. I didn’t know if I was
more depressed over the impeding loneliness or angry that he was
being ripped out of my life. I went back and forth and could never
settle on one feeling. It was tiresome, and felt like some damn
rollercoaster ride. In one moment I made peace with it, and the next
I would question everything, trying to find a way to outsmart the
system. It was pointless, he was going, and I’d have to deal
with that.

At
most I’d get a letter or some video chat time with him for a
few minutes here and there, and that would have to be enough, for an
entire flipping year. What is that?

Maybe
something will change, I mean, he got pulled in at the last minute.
Maybe they’ll find somebody else to fill the gap in the roster.
I mean, he was just over there; this has to be a mistake. If he
calls, asks, explains… I stopped myself. I was looking for
that loophole that just wasn’t there.

Maybe
there will be some R&R in there, and then I’ll see him
again. At least I’ll get to hold him, feeling him against me.
Shit, I can’t do this. I can’t do this…it’s
not fair. I desperately wanted my brain to turn off – but it
taunted me daily, dangling between anger and depression.

I
tried to keep a positive outlook when he was around; he had bigger
things to worry about, like his life. He’d need focus, not some
weepy girlfriend. He was putting himself out there, risking it all,
and I needed to suck it up and present a strong front.

The
weirdest part of it all was that my life would continue on exactly
the same. Time wasn’t standing still. I’d go to work,
have a birthday (alone), run, eat dinner; only he wouldn’t be
doing it with me. Distraction was going to be crucial if I was going
to get through this.

I
beat the topic to death in my mind and wished I’d stop
obsessing over the details. But it was hovering a good deal of the
time.

Heather,
Scott, and Austin helped me with the questions I had. As the days
closed in on us, Austin would be scheduled to leave his home base and
head out. It was excruciating, realizing he wouldn’t be here
with me.

Every
minute was precious, and I dragged him to bed every chance I got. My
insides were a mess, and just as we thought he had to leave, his
orders were pushed back for a couple of days, and we went through our
feelings all over again.

Heather’s
pregnancy was moving along, and thankfully other than some bruising
after the accident, both her and the baby got a clean bill of health.
The airbag saved them from more severe injuries. I realized Austin
would be gone for the birth of their child. It made me sad, but
realized military life means you can’t guarantee you’ll
be there. I was grateful Heather would have Scott by her side, and
prayed he wouldn’t get called back to active duty overseas.

The
time was here. The moment had arrived and I couldn’t deny it
any longer. Soon Austin would be walking out the door. I refused to
believe anything would happen to him, and knew he’d come home
to me. He was laying his life on the line, but I kept faith he’d
be back in my arms one day.

I
took off from work the two days before he left to spend every second
with him.

I
wanted everything to be perfect, romantic, and special. I wanted to
give him memories to hold onto. I needed him to know I’d be
waiting when he returned. I also needed him to know how much I love
him, and that I wanted nothing more than the two of us to remain a
strong and bonded couple not only before his tour, but after as well.
He could count on me, and at least I could give him that tiny peace
of mind.

When
Austin came by, there were so many unspoken words between us. I
walked around lighting the small candles I’d set up all over.
“I want to spend the next two days in bed,” I whispered.
“We’ll call out for pizza, whatever, but I need to absorb
every single detail about you that I can.”

Austin
reached up, stroking my cheek, “Thank you for making this
special. I’ve got so many mixed feelings right now. I’ll
be honest, after knowing what happened during my first tour, I was
almost glad to be single for my second. And here I am about to go
back over, hoping a woman won’t betray me. Don’t get me
wrong, I trust you, but it’s bringing up a lot of old feelings
again.”

He
apologized for going there, discussing this when I was ready to get
romantic. It was important though, he had to get it out, talk about
his feelings. He’d clammed up about it the last bit of time, so
for him to finally open up again, I knew it was the right thing for
him.

“I’ve
worked through my feelings. I’m going to be okay. I’m not
going anywhere, Austin. You’re worth it, and I want nothing but
a future where you and I are together.”

“I
know, I just can’t help but think back to when you said you
couldn’t. I can’t go over wondering if you’re going
to decide after three months, four, or even six months that you’ve
changed your mind. I need to know you’re in it for the entire
year, not just for the first few weeks.”

I
looked at the floor, embarrassed how easily I let go last time. I
mean, it was far from easy, but I was quick to turn away from
possible pain. How could he trust my words now – what had
changed? I understood his concern, and knew I couldn’t promise
anything above my word.

It
was odd how quickly our emotions were bouncing around. In one
instance I went from feeling sexy to serious.

“Austin,
I don’t know what words you need to hear to make it better, but
my actions over this next year will hopefully be enough. I can’t
change your past, I can’t make you trust that things won’t
change, but I can tell you I’m fully committed to a future
together, and I’ll be waiting here when you come home.”

He
nodded, not saying much.

“If
something happens…” I stopped, choked up, trying again.
“If something happens, your folks will let me know?”