My Life Without Garlic
A Totally Bound Publication
My Life Without Garlic
ISBN #
978-1-78430-587-1
©Copyright Bailey Bradford 2015
Cover Art by Posh Gosh ©Copyright May 2015
Edited by Rebecca Douglas
Totally Bound Publishing
This is a work of fiction. All characters, places and events are from the author’s imagination and should not be confused with fact. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, events or places is purely coincidental.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form, whether by printing, photocopying, scanning or otherwise without the written permission of the publisher, Totally Bound Publishing.
Applications should be addressed in the first instance, in writing, to Totally Bound Publishing. Unauthorized or restricted acts in relation to this publication may result in civil proceedings and/or criminal prosecution.
The author and illustrator have asserted their respective rights under the Copyright Designs and Patents Acts 1988 (as amended) to be identified as the author of this book and illustrator of the artwork.
Published in 2015 by Totally Bound Publishing,
Newland House, The Point, Weaver Road, Lincoln, LN6 3QN
Totally Bound Publishing is a subsidiary of Totally Entwined Group Limited.
Warning:
This book contains sexually explicit content which is only suitable for mature readers. This story has a
heat rating
of
Totally Burning
and a
Sexometer
of
2.
The Vamp for Me
MY LIFE WITHOUT GARLIC
Bailey Bradford
Book one in The Vamp for Me series
Some things in life just might be worth giving up garlic for.
It was simple curiosity that led Augustin to the vampire dating site—he thought it must be a joke started up by a bunch of weirdos. Man, was he right—but it just so happens that those weirdos really are vampires, and when one shows up at his place, Augustin’s world is turned upside down.
First he’s got a psychotic vampire to deal with. Then he’s got one who is much more fun hanging around.
Except now that Augustin knows that vampires exist, he can’t be left alive. Or can he? When an alternative is offered up, Augustin doesn’t care for it, either. After all, he doesn’t want to be whisked off to some disgusting vampire den.
Tony’s the vampire next in line to lead the coven. He wants to be a fair man, and that means arguing against killing Augustin. If he’s also attracted to the sarcastic, adorable man, where’s the harm in that?
The attraction between Augustin and Tony is undeniable, but deny it is what they both try to do. Someone is going to have to bend or break.
Dedication
To the blog group—y’all rock!
Trademarks Acknowledgement
The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of the following wordmarks mentioned in this work of fiction:
Google: Google Inc
Sprite: The Coca-Cola Company
’Salem’s Lot
: Stephen King
Disney: The Walt Disney Company
Reddit: Reddit Inc.
Raid: S.C. Johnson & Son
Listerine: Johnson & Johnson
Scope: Procter & Gamble
Mensa: Mensa International
Mack: Mack Trucks, Inc.
Matchbox car: Mattel, Inc.
Haagen-Dazs: General Mills, Inc.
Craigslist: Craigslist Inc.
Prologue
Where to start…
I swear to God, boredom is the number one cause of people doing stupid things. Guess there’s a reason why someone came up with the saying about idle hands doing the work of the Devil. Add boredom to a twisted sense of humor, and yeah, okay, a dirty mind, and trouble is bound to happen.
That’s my theory, anyway.
It was that kind of thinking that led me to Googling vampire porn. I’d say don’t ask, but I’m going to tell you anyway. In fact, I’m going to tell you the whole long, detailed story about how my life has been totally turned around. No, no, I have NOT gone to rehab and become a new man. Sheesh, people, y’all read too many tabloids.
No, this is just a tale about a simple guy who had to choose between giving up garlic—my favorite of all seasonings, by the way—or the love of his life. Not a hard decision to make, right?
Yeah, well. You just wait and see if you’d have done the same.
Though I think you would have.
Chapter One
Augustin Carmichael sat down at his computer desk. He set his plate, piled high with spaghetti and cheese, right in front of him. He went back to the kitchen and got the thick slices of garlic bread and a glass of red wine. The wine was a newer addition to his mealtime. Augustin didn’t really like the stuff, but he kept reading about how it was heart healthy and all. Since his dad had died at forty-three from a massive heart attack, Augustin was willing to try anything to avoid the same fate.
That had meant cutting down on the pasta and sugar and carbs and—well, too many of the good things in life, but then again, he wouldn’t have a life for much longer if he wasn’t careful. At thirty-five, he felt like he had a ticking time bomb in his chest instead of a heart.
His doctor chided him about it, too. Augustin was overweight, and his cholesterol was high. His blood pressure was borderline. It was scary shit, so he was making changes.
But he wasn’t giving up his pasta completely, and garlic was healthy as far as he knew. The marinara was home-made and sugar-free, so that had to count as a good thing to eat.
Augustin sat at the desk once he had everything together. He’d done his daily hour-long workout that morning. There was no need to feel guilty as he wound pasta around the fork.
He was not going to choke on that unnecessary guilt either, and waste a wonderful meal. The sauce hit his tongue and the strong flavor of the garlic overpowered the tomatoes and onions. It was
perfect!
Augustin moaned happily and promised himself another tasty reward in a week.
After he’d eaten a few more bites, forcing himself to do so slowly when he’d really rather have chowed down and shoveled the food in one bite after another, Augustin opened up his web browser. Surfing the ‘Net was as addictive as food was, so he tried to monitor that, too.
The news site he had as his home page came up. Augustin read a few headlines and muttered to himself. He was going to stop reading the news, damn it. It was all bad, and who needed that kind of downer?
Under the ‘Odd News’, though, he found some entertaining articles. By the time he’d read through most of them, he was munching on the last piece of garlic bread. He took a sip of the wine and fought against gagging. Maybe he’d get used to drinking the stuff warm, but he really,
really
wanted to add some ice and Sprite to it to make the drink palatable.
Obviously he was never going to be a wine connoisseur. He snorted. “Well, whatever. At least I’ll maybe not keel over any time soon.”
He gulped down the last of the liquid then set the wine glass down. An article he’d missed caught his eye and he chuckled. “Seriously?” Augustin clicked on the link. The page loaded and he laughed. “A vampire dating site? What the hell is wrong with people…?”
He chuckled some more as he read the hook, as he thought of it. “Blood-sucking singles, huh? Sounds dangerous to me.” It irked him when all he saw were pictures of women on the main page. “What about guys? Or gays? Are y’all excluding us?”
Then again, maybe the gays had more sense. Augustin thought of his friends Tommy and Georgie. “Okay, maybe not.” The rest of his friends, whatever their sexuality, were definitely above snooping around such sites.
Augustin moved the cursor over the ‘Sign Up’ button. It’d be a great prank to sign up Tommy and Georgie. No, that’d be a dick move, and he was trying to cut down on the number of those he made.
All the featured profile pictures were of women. Augustin pursed his lips. “Do you even
do
gay vampires?” He groaned. Not only was he talking to himself, he was going on like vampires were real.
He clicked on the ‘Sign Up’ button just out of curiosity. They didn’t really ask for much information. Was that all there was to a profile? What about the zillion questions real dating sites had?
“People really fall for this shit?” He opened a second page and went to a website that issued temporary email addresses. They were only good for ten minutes so he had to hurry.
It was curiosity that had him filling out the profile form. It was boredom, too. Mainly boredom. He had no idea what he’d do, or if he’d ever use the account for anything more than a comparison dating site. He’d been intending to sign up at GayLove4You.com since his love life had been abysmal for— Eh, he wasn’t going to count the months. At least it wasn’t down to years yet.
And, he could write about the whole comparison on his blog. Maybe he’d get a few more followers so he’d have a nice half-dozen. Apparently he just wasn’t that interesting.
“If I was, I wouldn’t be single, duh.”
So far the site didn’t ask for much, just a username, email, what gender he was and what gender he was seeking, birthday, password… He hit ‘Enter’. After a few seconds, he got an error message. “What do you mean something is wrong? I filled it out right, morons.”
He did it again and received a message that the website was over capacity. Mind boggled, Augustin leaned back and frowned. “You have
got
to be kidding me!” Paranoia prickled under his skin. “Is it because I said I was male seeking male?”
He bent back over the keyboard, typing in his information again, except altering his search from male to female.