My Life Without Garlic (2 page)

Another error message came up, but he figured out his ten minute email address had expired. “Shit.” He set up another one and created another profile. It got an error message too. “Well, at least I know y’all aren’t bigots, but come on. There can’t be that many people on there!”

He could be a little obsessive. Augustin knew that about himself. An hour of creating false email accounts and trying to sign up at the vampire dating site and he began to question his own sanity. Why was he even bothering? He sure as hell didn’t want to date anyone from a site like that.

Finally Augustin gave up and closed the page. He was making himself all kinds of stressed over a stupid website that he wasn’t interested in, all because he was a stubborn, bored, nosy bastard.

Tomorrow he’d set up a real account at GayLove4You.com. He piddled around a little longer, finding that there was actually more than the one vampire dating site. He was tempted to Google for a werewolf one but decided that was just too pathetic for even his bored ass to do.

Augustin couldn’t find anything else to occupy himself with. He eventually shut the computer down and stood up. After a long, bone-cracking stretch, he took care of the dirty dishes. When he looked out of the kitchen window that was above the sink, he thought he saw movement out in the yard.

“Don’t go out there,” he murmured to himself. “Every dipshit in every horror movie goes out or up or down or wherever the hell the boogie monster is. I’m not getting a hatchet to the nuts.”

He settled for narrowing his eyes and trying to see whatever it was he’d thought he saw in the first place. When nothing else moved, he put it down to his own head messing with him, and by the time he went to bed, he’d forgotten about it.

Chapter Two

Maybe he should cut down on the garlic, Augustin mused as he tossed onto his stomach and stared at the wall. He kept waking up, and there was a niggling in his mind, a teasing glimpse of weird dreams that he couldn’t quite bring into focus.

It was probably due to the stupid vampire dating site. He thought there was a hint of fangs and glowing red eyes in his dreams. Then again, he could just be making shit up as he went along. Sleep usually wasn’t an issue for him—Augustin was out of it ten seconds after his head hit the pillow. A sleepless night was going to throw him all out of whack.

Work was going to suck big time. He had an account to go through, a tedious task that he sometimes enjoyed but more often hated. This particular client was a cranky business owner who had fired his last accountancy company because he’d had to pay more in taxes than he’d liked.

So far, Augustin had found nothing that proved that his tax amount had been incorrect. He wasn’t looking forward to presenting his results once he’d finished his audit.

But that wasn’t what was interfering with his sleep. Augustin huffed and closed his eyes. “Meditate,” he mumbled, as if that would happen magically just from saying the word.

Well, it didn’t. He thought about the account, about the stupid dating site, about his bills and where he wanted to go on vacation and all the places he’d never be able to afford to visit.

He thought about getting a cat, or a dog, or both. A boyfriend would be preferable, but…

Augustin rolled onto his back and blinked his eyes open. He could see a little in his room. It wasn’t pitch-black, thanks to the laptop light that was flashing and the printer light that was doing the same. Plus, he’d left the bathroom light on in case he woke up at crap o’clock and had to pee. It happened sometimes.

Which he did—have to pee. Grumbling, he tossed the sheet back. It was warmer in his room than he liked it to be, but he was trying to cut down on his electric bill and carbon footprint and all of that. Trying to be environmentally responsible meant he hadn’t yet lowered the thermostat so the air conditioning wouldn’t kick on until the temperature hit eighty. It was strange that even though he was hot, when he put his feet on the floor, he shivered as a thought flashed through his mind—something with long, dark claws grabbing his ankles. He’d always been worried about a monster under his bed as a kid, and sometimes as an adult the idea came back to life. Usually in the middle of the night when he had to get up to pee.

“Whatever.” Augustin stood and stretched. His back popped and he almost purred because it felt so good. He ran a hand down his chest to his belly. That was still soft and bigger than he’d like, but it
was
getting smaller. He shuffled to the bathroom, bumping his hip on the corner of the dresser.

“Ow, ow, ow, what the fuck,” he muttered. It wasn’t like he didn’t know the dresser was there. It’d been in the same spot since he’d moved into the house five years ago.

Just before he left the bedroom, a chill went down his spine. He blinked, suddenly very awake and close to being scared. Augustin wanted to scoff at himself, but his heart raced and the urge to run was nearly overwhelming.

Don’t turn around. Don’t be stupid. There’s nothing there.
He wouldn’t give in to his screwy brain’s paranoia.

A scratching sound started up on the window, or at least he thought it was the window. Another shiver hit him, and he whimpered before slapping a hand over his mouth.

He couldn’t even tell himself it was a branch scratching at the glass as the sound got louder. There were no trees on that side of the house. And he was on the second floor.

Oh my God, it’s like ’
Salem’s Lot
! If I turn around and there’s a floating dead guy or a kid tapping at the window, I’ll drop dead of a heart attack!

The sound grew louder.

Augustin’s flight stomped the shit out of his fight, and he ran.

* * * *

“He seemed very persistent,” Claude said, staring at the computer. “Who did you send to see if the guy was legit?”

Tony buffed one fang on his shirtsleeve. He almost moaned. Fangs were definitely an erotic hotspot for him. Normally he wouldn’t have messed with them while around anyone else, but he’d thought he had a speck of blood still on it.

“Radney,” Tony answered when Claude turned to give him an aggrieved look.

“Radney?” Claude repeated, that look turning into a scowl. “Why the hell did you send him? You know he gets his rocks off on scaring humans!”

Tony shrugged. “Yeah, well, that human tried to join the site looking for men, then women, then he changed his name and stats. I don’t think he’s interested, I think he’s nosy as fuck, and I hate nosy people. They aren’t good for us.”

Claude’s heavy eyebrows came down until his eyes were almost totally overshadowed by them. “Tony…” he growled. “Has Radney had his supply this week?”

Tony would have paled had he not already been as white as possible. “Er, I…um. I don’t know.” He cringed and ducked when Claude threw a paperweight at him. “Hey! That would have hurt!”

“Like it’d kill you.” Claude hissed, as if to emphasize his irritation. “You’re already dead! Although if I could kill you again…”

Tony sniffed and turned his nose up. “Killing me once was enough.”

“Well, it was me or that illness you had,” Claude said.

Tony’s pique faded. “Yeah, it was, so thanks for that. I wouldn’t have been alive much longer.” And the dying part before Claude had shown up and killed him,
that
had been pretty agonizing.

“Yes, well.” Claude turned back to the computer. He never did handle thanks well. “Anyway, Radney is also a bit of an asshole about anyone who isn’t straight. Did you think of that when you sent him off after this…this human?”

Tony sighed. “Yeah, okay, I did actually. Since the guy tried to sign up as male for male, then male for female, then female for female, then female for… Well, I didn’t think he was gay. I thought he was just sticking his nose where it didn’t belong.”

“And you were willing to bet on being right about that?” Claude tapped on the keyboard. “When Radney hasn’t had blood for a few days, he’s unstable, and he’s a bigot? Granted, he’s a few hundred years old and set in his ways, but—”

“Shit.” Tony rubbed his face. “I fucked up, didn’t I?”

“You think?” Claude retorted sharply. “What would you rate Radney’s impulse control at?”

“He hasn’t done anything crazy that I know of,” Tony offered in defense of his actions. “He only cracks the occasional comment about me now since I took him out back and whipped his ass.”

Claude shook his head. “Tony, Tony, Tony. I thought I’d raised you better than that. Not the whipping part, but the being stupid part. Radney’s likely been waiting to release some pent-up rage from getting his ass kicked by a gay, thirty-year-old vampire.”

Tony was already getting his coat on. “Shit. I’ll fix it.”

“You bet you will. I’ll be right beside you to make sure of it.”

Chapter Three

Augustin considered himself lucky to have made it to the bathroom without pissing himself. “It’s a nightmare. Wake up, wake up,
wake up!
” He pinched himself then did it again. “Shit, that hurt.” So had bumping the dresser. But maybe he was asleep anyway, and he was just dreaming it all—like the time he’d dreamed he was in an elevator and it had started plummeting down forty stories. He’d told himself to stop the elevator, because it was just a dream and he knew it.

Of course the elevator had stopped—and the floor had dropped out of it and he’d plummeted to his death. Augustin knew for a fact that dying in your nightmare didn’t mean dying for real because he’d splattered all over the damn place then, and had woken up to laugh about it later. He’d given up on the concept of dream control, too.

Augustin turned on the sink and his bladder cramped. A quick splash of water over his face, then he turned the faucet off. He hurried to the toilet. “No way I’m wetting the bed at my age. Oh, gawd,” he drawled with relief.

Then he heard it. Augustin jolted, making a bit of a mess as he started to turn to look out of the bathroom window. He caught himself before it was an utter disaster, but it was a close thing.

Getting his dick pointed in the right direction again, he carefully turned his head just enough to see the window via his peripheral vision.

“Eek!” So he screamed like a girl, so what? The sight at the window scared the piss right back up to his bladder. Augustin shrieked again. If he was having a nightmare, he needed to wake the fuck up because there was a leering, fanged fucker clawing at the window—with long, sharp, black claws and long, sharp, white canines.

Augustin didn’t even give that last shake or tuck his junk away as he spun to gawp. The thing at the window had glowing red eyes and skin so pale it almost sparkled. There was something dark streaming from one corner of its mouth, and stringy blondish hair swirled around its head.

“No fucking way,” Augustin rasped.

Then the bastard started laughing. Augustin could hear it through the window. His heart pounded so hard he couldn’t get a decent breath. He clutched at his chest. He was going to die, going to have that heart attack he’d always feared.

That’s when it got worse.

The creature pointed at him and cackled louder.

No, not at him. At his dick.

Augustin’s cheeks flared hot and he quickly shoved his dick in his briefs. “Fuck you, asshole!” he shouted. “I’m a grower, and of course it shrinks when I’m scared! And cold!” he added because he’d gone from hot to chilled to the bone. He was dreaming, he reminded himself. That creature couldn’t hurt him. The reminder made Augustin braver… Or more stupid. “At least I’m alive! And I’ve got blood in these veins that can make this”—he grabbed his crotch—“big enough to shut you up!”

That got him a sneer and an eye roll.

“Oh no you didn’t.”
This is just a dream, just a dream.
The reminder didn’t help his temper. Augustin took a couple of steps toward the window. Jesus, his heart could not possibly beat any faster. “You’re not real. Go away before I toss some holy water on you.”

The thing’s face contorted and Augustin realized it was laughing at him! “Oh yeah?” he huffed. He dumped his toothbrush out of the cup he kept it in, turned on the tap and filled the cup with water. “Bless this water and make it kill vampires, in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and every other deity that may or may not exist, because I don’t freakin’ know.”

Now he could hear that fucker howling with laughter. Augustin turned the faucet off. He held up the cup. “It’s as holy as any other water, you douche munch.”

That got the creature to stop laughing.

“Vampire,” Augustin mumbled. “This is what I get for snooping around that stupid site. Nightmares about idiotic, fugly vampires.”

The vampire didn’t like
that
description at all. Augustin could tell by the way it started smacking the window and snarling, its fangs hitting the glass, spittle flying from its mouth. And the stupid monster flipped him off!

“Oh, fuck you back, you rotting hunk of dirt,” Augustin snapped. He wasn’t scared now. He was totally convinced he was asleep, and since he knew he could die in a nightmare and not really die in life, what was there to fear?

Still, he hesitated before taking the last couple of steps to the window. Even in a bad dream, he wasn’t exactly eager to keel over. “You can’t come in here. You’re not welcome here,” he muttered, spouting off the first—well, second—thing he remembered about vampire folklore. The holy water was the first. “I’ve got garlic! Lots of it!” he said exuberantly. “And I can make a crucifix—” Augustin did so with his fingers and sloshed water all over the floor and himself. “Shit!”

The vampire cackled and shook that middle finger at him.

“Oh yeah? This doesn’t count?” Augustin had always wondered when he’d watched those cheesy vampire movies why crossing your fingers to make a human crucifix didn’t work. He didn’t have an answer now, but apparently whatever stupid rule applied in those movies also applied in his nightmares. “Fine,” he huffed. He settled for tossing the rest of the water at the window.

To his surprise, the vampire howled and shot backward. Then it was Augustin’s turn to laugh. “Like it’s going to touch you through the glass.” But he understood the reaction. It was like someone turning the hose on you when you were looking out of the window. You jumped just out of instinct.