My Point ... And I Do Have One (18 page)

Celebrities can drive eight thousand miles without changing their oil. Plus, they get a 5 percent discount at participating Jiffy Lubes.

If a celebrity goes to a hospital for a major operation, any plastic surgery the celebrity desires is included for free. Or if you pay to get one lip injected with collagen, you get your second lip injected for free.

The sign
NO SHOES NO SHIRT NO SERVICE
never applies to celebrities.

At the supermarket, celebrities are allowed to take thirteen items into the ten-items-or-less lane. They can also pay by check if the sign says
CASH ONLY
. When they buy milk they can add five days to the expiration date.

Celebrities can go on any ride in any amusement park no matter how short they are.

If a celebrity is on a boat that is sinking—the rule becomes celebrities first, then women and children.

So when you’re walking down the street and you think you’ve spotted your favorite celebrity but you want to be sure, just remember this rule of thumb: A horse sweats, a man perspires, a woman glows—but only a celebrity twinkles.

your own
fantasy
conversation
with eilen
degeneres

I
received the cutest letter the other day. Here it is:

Dear Ellen,
How are you? I am fine. I hope you are fine, too. I mean it. You are my most favoritest celebrity in the whole world. I like you even more than that guy in the commercial who talks with a funny voice. (He makes me laugh. Ha Ha Ha!!!)

You seem very nice. I wish that I could meet you so that we could have a nice talk. Here is a picture I’ve drawn of you and me having a nice talk.

The dog in the picture with me is my dog. His name is Mr. Doggy. I named him. My wife thinks that it’s a stupid name. She says that a forty-two-year-old man who works as a High School Vice-Principal should be able to come up with a better name. I think it’s a good name.

Yours truly,
Bobby Munchloney

Actually, upon rereading that letter, it’s not all that cute. But, it does raise an interesting question: What would it be like to talk with Ellen DeGeneres?

I know that before I became a celebrity I always wondered what it would be like to talk to somebody famous like Carol Burnett, Stevie Wonder, Elizabeth Taylor, Zamfir, Punch, Judy, or Marlon Brando. Would they be nice, would they be interesting, would they lend me money?

Most of you will never get the chance to talk with me, unfortunately (or fortunately, in the case of Bobby Munchloney). So for your benefit, I’ve decided to provide you with a fantasy interactive conversation between yourself and myself. All you have to do is fill in your own dialogue in the space provided. My responses are 100 percent my own and exactly what I would say in reaction to whatever you would say.

For the purpose of this little fantasy, your character will be called Complete Stranger (later shortened to CS). I will be Ellen. Even if your name is Ellen, only say the lines you’ve written for Complete Stranger. Otherwise, we’ll have anarchy on our hands. (Anarchy, by the way, is very hard to get off of your hands. Again, you’d think club soda might work, but it doesn’t.)

Let the fantasy begin.
SETTING:
The housewares section of a large department store.

ACTION:
You are browsing, carrying a bag of clothes you just bought, when you see me looking at a selection of fry daddies and electric butter churners. You do a double take and then tentatively approach me.

Suddenly, you are lifted off the ground, your feet dangling in the air like the branches of a banana tree during a monsoon (I’m sorry—I couldn’t think of a better simile). Seeing that you mean me no harm, I motion for my 250-pound bodyguard to put you down. He does so in a surprisingly gentle way.

E
LLEN
: Hi, I’m Ellen DeGeneres. Who are you?

C
OMPLETE
S
TRANGER:
______ ______

E
LLEN:
And what do your friends call you?

CS.: ______ ______

E
LLEN:
Wow! That’s one of my favorite names. In fact, I have a goldfish named (your name). You’re not my goldfish, are you? Because if you are, I don’t think it’s safe for you to be out of the bowl for very long.

CS.: ______ ______ ______ ______

E
LLEN:
Well, thank you for saying that. It makes me happy that you find me very, very funny.

CS.: ______ ______ ______

E
LLEN:
I stand corrected, very, very,
very
funny. Say, (your name), what is it that you do for a living?

CS.: ______ ______ ______ ______ ______

E
LLEN:
That is such a coincidence. If I wasn’t doing what I’m doing, I’d want to be a (your job). I even thought of studying to be a (your job), but everybody said …

CS.:______ ______,“______”

E
LLEN:
(Laughing) That’s right! That’s exactly what everybody said. I guess being a (your job) makes you really understand people.

(Note:
. While we’re talking I’m looking at you and only you. You have my complete attention. I’m not staring around bored or planning some way to escape. I am genuinely interested in what you have to say.)

CS.: ______ ______ ______

E
LLEN:
Excuse me, but I think it’s you who are so cool. And I can tell that you have a great sense of humor.

C.S.: ______ ______ ______?

E
LLEN:
Sure, I’d love to hear a joke.

C.S.: ______ ______ ____________ ______ ______ ______ ______,” ______ ______ ______?” ______ ______ ______ ______,” ______ ______ ______ ______!” ______ (______) ______.

E
LLEN:
(Laughing hysterically) That’s hilarious. I usually don’t like dirty jokes, but that was very good. That was a great impersonation, too. I hate to be a bother, but do you know any other jokes?

C.S.:______ ______ ______?

E
LLEN:
Who’s there?

C.S.: ______.

E
LLEN
: Tomato, who?

C.S.:______ ______ _____ ______ _______ ______ _____ ____ ___.

E
LLEN:
(Laughing even harder than before) That is so clever. I never would have figured that one out in a million years.

C.S.: ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______.

E
LLEN
: You are absolutely right. But, I guess I’ve learned to see through the pain. You are very perceptive. Say, you know about me, I’d like to know about you. What are your dreams, your goals, your philosophy of life? I’d really, really like to know.

CS.: ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______! ______ ______ ______ ______ ______? ______ ______ ______{______} ______ ______ ______ ______ ______.

E
LLEN:
Uh-huh.

CS.: ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______

E
LLEN:
Yeah.

CS.:______ ______ ______? ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______: ______ ______; ______; ______!!!!!!______ ______ ______ ______ ______.

(Note:
I’m sure that you’d have a lot more to say, and I’d have let you go on for pages, but my editor insisted that Ihave more words. In his narrow worldview, your words don’t count toward the 60,000 words that I’m legally bound to provide for this book. And as much as I insisted that (your name) had some bold ideas that people ought to hear, he, obviously, felt otherwise. That’s life.)

E
LLEN:
I agree with every word you said. Also, just to change the subject slightly, I think you’ve got the coolest clothes I’ve ever seen. I think I’m going to start dressing just like you.

Just then I take a bite out of my sandwich and start choking. By the way, we’re both eating sandwiches. You’re eating a fried chicken sandwich—unless you’re vegetarian; then it can be a cucumber sandwich. If you haven’t been eating, I’m afraid you’re going to have to go to the beginning of our conversation, grab a sandwich, and start over again. Sorry, rules are rules.

You reach behind me and give me the Heimlich maneuver. A chunk of food flies out of my mouth.

E
LLEN:
You saved my life. For now on in I’m not going to call what you just did the Heimlich maneuver, I’m going to call it the (your name) maneuver. Honest. Is there anything I can do for you?

C.S.: ______ ______ ______?

E
LLEN:
Sure, how much do you need?

CS, $______, ______, ______.

E
LLEN
: That’s an awful lot of money, but … What the hey, you deserve it. Hey, are you thinking what I’m thinking?

CS.: ______ ______ ______.

E
LLEN:
Exactly. Let’s go right now. Time’s a wasting, my friend.

fin

And that is the end of the fantasy conversation. I hope that you enjoyed it as much as I did. Take care and see you next time.

experiments
in human
behavior