My Point ... And I Do Have One (14 page)

The piece is very funny. I start off saying how I feel that everything on this earth is here for a reason, that there are no mistakes. If you don’t understand why one thing is here, you find out later that it works with the ecosystem somewhere else. (In case you’re wondering, this wasn’t the funny part, this was just the setup.)

I went on to say that I don’t understand why we have fleas here, because fleas do nothing at all beneficial. I thought it would be great to be able to call up God and ask, “Why fleas?”

What followed was my imaginary phone call to God. I would say my lines and hopefully you’d be able to imagine God’s. God and I would chat, he’d tell me a few jokes (
e.g
., Knock, Knock. Who’s there? God. God who? Godzilla), and explain to me why there are fleas (to support people in the flea-collar industry). This was the funny part. If you’ve never heard it, take my word: huge laughs every night.

So why aren’t I writing it out here? There are two reasons. One, as funny as it is to see and hear (If you don’t believe me, maybe this note from my editor will change your mind. EDITOR:
She’s right, it’s very funny!)
it doesn’t read well on the page. So much of the routine depends on nuances of timing and my delightful facial expressions (EDITOR:
She’s right, they’re delightful)
. (Why, thank you.)

The second reason is that I got a letter from God, well, actually from God’s lawyers, saying that if I printed the routine, they’d sue my ass (their words, not mine) from here to Jerusalem.

So, that’s why I’m not even going to mention my phone call to God.

the ellie-gellie

I
f you know me personally, or watch my television program, then you know I love to dance. I really do, y’all. (Y’all is a New Orleans expression that I felt obliged to include at least once in this book to show that I haven’t “Gone Hollywood.” There, I’ve used it. Now no highfalutin’ critic can say that I’ve forgotten where I came from.)

Anyway, like I said, I love dancing. You know that expression, “Cleanliness is next to Godliness”? Well, I believe that, but
dancing
is next to cleanliness, and singing along to the radio in a convertible with the wind whipping through your hair is next to dancing, and walking down a country road at sunset is next to singing along with the radio with the wind whipping through your hair, and walking down a country road at dawn is next to walking down a country road at sunset. Actually one is virtually indistinguishable from the other, but the dawn one requires getting up really early, so I’d rather just walk down the country road at sunset, unless I had to be up anyway, say if I had to pick up an old friend from the airport or I had to take somebody to the hospital or even if I just couldn’t sleep. Then I guess I’d prefer walking down that country road at dawn and just getting it over with.

I have a good dance background. I’ve probably got a more extensive dance background than a lot of people, just to tell you something about my skills. I rarely missed
Soul Train
while growing up. And although I was never actually what you might call “on” the show itself, my friends all said that I “could’ve been” if I hadn’t been born quite so “white,” as they put it.

Since I feel blessed in this area, I think it’s only right that I share my gift with you, the people who may
not
have been born with the same sense of rhythm. I’m going to teach you a simple yet hip dance I invented. I call it the Ellie-Gellie.

Alrightee, first thing we have to do is get into our dance gear. That could be a leotard, sweats, glittery tights, whatever …

Hey, I like that. It looks good on you, accentuates your body in just the right way. It’ll work perfectly.

Next we need to do some stretching.… Good. You don’t want to overdo it.

And now you’ll need to send away for my song, “The Ellie-Gellie Song.” I wrote it specifically to do the Ellie-Gellie to. It works better than any other song for this dance, and although you
can
do the Ellie-Gellie to some other song, I can’t guarantee the results. And you’ll probably look rather silly doing the Ellie-Gellie to another song.

But if looking asinine doesn’t bother you, then, hey, it’s your life, you’re obviously Mr. or Ms. Big Stuff, so go right ahead. You probably can’t dance anyway, so it wouldn’t make any difference either way if you used “The Ellie-Gellie Song” or some other stupid song. I don’t even know why I bother trying to do something nice for someone like you. Even if I
could
teach you the Ellie-Gellie, which I highly doubt, you’d probably screw it up while dancing at some club and everyone would see you and say, “Man, the Ellie-Gellie is really a bad dance. That Ellen DeGeneres is sure a terrible dance inventor.” So, it’s just as well that you don’t send away for “The Ellie-Gellie Song.” And if you did send away for it, I’d send your money back. You couldn’t get my song now no matter
how much
you paid for it.

All right, everybody else except for that creep ready?… Good, let’s get started. Hit
play
on the CD player, tape player, record player, or whatever kind of player you happen to be using, and crank up the volume!

Not quite that loud. Turn it down just a bit.… There, much better. Now we’re ready to D-A-N-C-E!

First, throw your left arm up in the air and shake your head up and down, but not too much. Still too much … still too much … what are you, stupid? Stop all that ridiculous shaking! I said to shake your head
mildly!…
There, that’s better.

Next, with arm still up in the air, do something with one of your legs. There, very good. I like that.

Now, do a
different
movement with the
other
leg.… No, no! What’re you doing?! Is that supposed to be cool or sexy or something? You look like one of those big ol’ ostriches at the zoo, flopping around all gangly and everything! Just stop it and start “The Ellie-Gellie Song” over again.

You know what? Just forget it. You’ve got me too riled up to be able to teach effectively now. Maybe I’ll try it again in the next book. By then my nerves will be calmer, and I’ll probably have several more dances for you to screw up.

See you on
Soul Train!

things to do
if you’re stuck
in an elevator
to help you
pass the time

1. Don’t panic—being alone with yourself can be a healthy thing.
   
2. Try to whistle as many television theme songs as you can remember.
   
3. Think of your family—the ones you don’t hate—and all of the fun times you’ve had.
   
4. Think of your favorite foods and how they are prepared (try not to think of corn on the cob or other foods that would require flossing).
   
5. Make pancakes (this only applies if you’ve got a hot plate, pancake mix, and an electrical outlet).
   
6. Count your arm hairs.
   
7. Think about giraffes giving birth and how they don’t injure the baby when it drops.
   
8. Prepare your grocery lists for the year.
   
9. This is a perfect time to reflect on your childhood and who hurt you.
   
10. Scream.
    

ellen’s wild
kingdom

or
you can put high heels on a
poodle, but that won’t make it
a hooker

K
NOWN
H
ORRIBLE
E
XPRESSIONS

1. Curiosity killed the cat.
   
2. No sense in beating a dead horse.
   
3. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
   

L
ESS-KNOWN
H
ORRIBLE
E
XPRESSIONS