My Point ... And I Do Have One (11 page)

I
’m sometimes—by which I mean most of the time—insecure about the way I look. But, then again, I believe most people are insecure about their looks (though I’m not sure enough of myself to ask them). I’d bet even supermodels sometimes look at themselves in the mirror and say, “Oh, look. There’s a part of me that’s less perfect than the other parts of me that are more perfect.”

I know that I’m being too critical. I know that I should just accept the way I look. I know that my appearance isn’t as important to me as my thoughts and creativity and energy and relationships with people: that’s what I thrive on. But none of this knowledge stops me from spending hours in front of the mirror looking for what I’ve been told (by the people waiting in line behind me at the Gap) are imaginary imperfections.

Doesn’t it seem that when you look in the mirror, the tiniest imperfections seem huge? And you know that that’s all people are going to be staring at all day: a blemish, a rebel strand of hair that refuses to behave, a flaming arrow in your forehead (this may not be a good example of a tiny imperfection).

So that I don’t spend most of my day looking in the mirror consumed with self-doubt, I’ve developed some basic grooming and fashion tips that help me get started each day. And, on the small chance that they may help you, too, here they are.

There is only one rule: You’ve got to have nice shoes—that’ll get you by. (Remember the saying: “I felt bad because I had no shoes, then I saw someone with really ugly shoes?”) Well, unless you’re wearing ratty old socks with holes in them. That would be stupid. So, nice shoes
and
nice socks are all you need.

And, of course, there’s your hair. That’s important, too. It should be well-groomed—be it long or short. Here’s another tip: If you’ve ever had spaghetti in your hair, you know it’s hard to tell because, of course, it’s long and stringy. Now if your hair
isn’t
long and stringy, it’s easier to tell. But, just in case, always check your hair every morning for spaghetti.

Any type of pasta aside, your hair should be trimmed regularly and have a clean, fresh appearance. Well, that goes for your overall body really—it should be clean and fresh. You should try to not have any perspiration (or very little) and smell good. Nice odor is important.

Now makeup, in my humble opinion, is optional. But that’s just me. I’ve
never
understood the concept—except in movies and TV, where without makeup you look like a zombie; though, not enough like a zombie to get away without wearing any if you’re playing a zombie in a movie. It’s what we in L.A. call a vicious circle. Or maybe it’s something else we call a vicious circle. Either way, makeup is optional.

Why must women wake up and paint their faces? Who came up with this idea? What’s wrong with washing and moisturizing? So, if you wash and moisturize, if you care to wear makeup, go right ahead. No one’s stopping you. I only suggest reconsidering. Is it totally necessary? If you are a man the same rule applies. Also if you care to shave, go ahead and shave.

So, now that the grooming part is taken care of, we’ll move on to clothing. I won’t go so far as to pick out your outfits, but they should be stylish—not trendy—classic clothes. They should be comfortable, not stifling or too conservative. Hats are optional, although it’s a risk. It is definitely making a strong statement that others may react negatively to. So bear that in mind, won’t you? Also remember, you’re eventually going to take off your hat. And, there’s no telling what your harr is going to look like. It may have given up hope and be lying dead on your scalp. Or, craving oxygen, it might be jutting out in surreal spikes. There may also have been spaghetti in your hat before you put it on. In that case, go back to the earlier tip.

Speak clearly and directly in an even tone, loud enough to be heard but not so loud as to be annoying. Have you put on those good shoes? Now you’re ready for the day.

And remember, don’t let anyone—not me, not even the great pasta chefs of Europe!—tell you how you
should
look.

chapter 13

S
ee
Chapter 14
.

chapter 14

R
egarding
Chapter 13
: I realized it’s bad luck to have a thirteenth anything. Most hotels don’t even have a thirteenth floor—they just go from twelve to fourteen. But you realize that fourteen is actually thirteen, so what good does it do? You can’t eliminate the actual floor—it is, after all, thirteen—but they call it fourteen. So we all know that this is really
Chapter 13
even though it says Chapter 14. I think I’ll skip this one, too, and go on to
Chapter 15
, which will really then be fourteen.

the scariest
thing

W
hen you’re a grown-up and you’re up really late, it’s still scary, isn’t it? No matter how much you try to convince yourself it’s cool, it’s okay, you’re imagining those little noises. It’s scary. Whoever started all those boogeyman stories is a horrible person. It had to be started, obviously, by one guy—one guy telling a little kid a bedtime story. He just threw in the boogeyman. Clearly it caught on. I doubt there are royalties involved—if there are, he’s probably feeling ripped off. Who knew it would turn out to be such a big hit? Maybe he could try to sue K.C. and the Sunshine Band. Although it’s a different boogeyman, the song still scares me. Don’t get me wrong—I danced to it just as much as the rest of you in 1975—but come on, someone sat down and wrote those lyrics. But I digress. My point … and I do have one, is that I still get scared at night. Every tiny creak, every little noise, I open my eyes real wide and listen with them. Have you noticed that? When it’s dark and you can’t see a thing, you open your eyes really wide and glance back and forth, like your eyes become your ears? Maybe it’s just me.

You can tell a lot about a person by looking at the things that scare her or him (actually, I’m not really sure that’s true, but since it’s the premise of this story, I’ll write it down and hope that nobody reads it too carefully). Sometimes what a person fears is actually the thing that they desire. For instance, if somebody is afraid of ice cream it could mean that they desire ice cream (hence the saying, I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream). However, if that person is allergic to ice cream, it probably means that they desire hives or some other type of rash.

S
ome people believe that it’s a good idea to face your fears. I usually feel that it’s much healthier to tie them up in a bag, drive out to the country, chuck them out your window, then drive home as fast as you can. But at the moment, I’m lying in bed in the middle of the night. I’m too tired to take a long drive. So, I will try looking into my heart to see what frightens me.

Ghosts. I’m afraid of ghosts. Do I really believe in ghosts? Sometimes I do. I watch these supernatural phenomena shows about people who have seen doors and windows open and close and furniture move around the room. Sometimes I think, “Cool, I’d love to see that.” But, most of the times, I wouldn’t. I’d get kind of freaked out if a coffee table started dancing around, even if it was a goofy dance like the hokey-pokey.

The house I live in now might have a ghost. I think I’ve seen the guy. When I first moved into this house, strange things happened. I’d lock a door and a few minutes later I’d see that it was unlocked. A sliding door opened. It could’ve been the wind, you say. Well then, my skeptical friend, explain why there was a man standing in the middle of my bedroom dressed in some turn-of-the-century attire. Actually, it turns out that the man was my neighbor who got lost coming home from a costume party at Ernest Borgnine’s house. But it could have been a ghost.

I’m also afraid of space aliens and spaceships. I’m scared that I’ll be abducted by some UFO and then poked and prodded, which, from what I read, is what space aliens mostly do. Or what if they put some sort of chip in your brain that made you kill at their command or, even worse, made your favorite radio station the easy-listening one? What would be frightening, then, would be to come back and know that if you told anyone what happened to you, they’d think you were a nut. The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren’t any space aliens. We can’t be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we’re not all there is. If so, we’re in big trouble.