Necessary Heartbreak (35 page)

“Mr. Stewart, please stop,”the nurse said, touching his shoulder. “Please. I'll have to call security. Please, sir, I don't want to have to do that to you.”

Michael looked at his hands pounding against the glass. Suddenly exhausted and embarrassed, he covered his face and slid to the ground.

The nurse looked at him for a few moments before reaching down to lift his arm. “Mr. Stewart,”she said gently, “it's time to get up.”

Michael found his feet again but couldn't feel his legs. He stood up and smiled at the nurse oddly. Then, turning back to the window, he looked again at Elizabeth.

She's so small.

“Oh, Elizabeth, I'm so sorry,”he said under his breath, pressing his face dejectedly against the window. “I'm so sorry. I'm not sure I can take care of you now. I don't know how I'm going to do this. I don't know how.”

Michael began banging his head gently against the glass but saw Elizabeth start to cry. He turned to the nurse.

“Is she okay?”

“She was born a few days too soon but she'll be fine.”The nurse touched Michael gently on his right arm. “I'll be back in a couple of minutes to take you inside. If you need me, I'm at the nurses' station. Would you like to see a priest?”

“No.”

Michael watched the nurse walk away. He turned back to look into the NICU window. Michael could see a sticker on the baby's tiny chest, monitoring her heartbeat. Her eyes were bright blue and her cheeks were puffy and red. She continued to cry.

“Oh, Elizabeth, please stop,”he said, starting to cry, too. “Please, I'll be strong for you. I promise you I won't ever leave you. You'll be
the only person in my life now. The only person. No one will ever get between us. I promise . . . I promise.”

“If you don't want me to go, I won't.”

He lay there, surprised at his own words and thinking about the consequences of his statement. He remembered falling into a deep sleep, but now, in the early-morning hours, he was surprised to find her next to him.

“Well, maybe you can come back with us, Leah,”he whispered, not wanting to wake her. He held her hand more tightly, pulling it up slightly so he could kiss it. It was intoxicating lying there, so close that he could feel her every breath. His heart beat rapidly.

“I don't want to be alone anymore, Leah. It's been too long. Elizabeth has grown up so quickly. She's become such a beautiful person. Each day that comes is one less day she needs me, or, in some cases—wants to be around me.”

He laughed quietly, unaware that Elizabeth had woken and was standing at the foot of the ladder to the roof.

“For the longest time I didn't know how to love again, Leah. You taught me that love is worth having. I just didn't think I would find it here—in Jerusalem—in this time.”

He shook his head in disbelief. He couldn't believe he'd just uttered those words.

Michael kissed the back of her neck. “What do you think about going back to Northport with us? It's a beautiful town, Leah. The people are friendly. The neighbors do care about one another. We're by the Sound, the beach. You can smell the ocean during the winter some nights where we live. We could take walks at night there, watch the sunset. I promise to be as romantic in our old age as we can be now. I promise I will never forget to say I love you.”

Elizabeth's mouth dropped open. She'd never heard her father talk like this. She knew that he spent most of his time dismissing any
romantic possibilities, using her as an excuse—which she found both humiliating and annoying. When she was younger, she used to wonder if he would ever marry again, and the thought upset her. But here, on this warm evening in a small town outside Jerusalem, she felt nothing but happiness.

He shook his head again, thinking about all the times he'd thought about going down to the beach to look at the sunset, but never did. “If you don't know how to swim, I could teach you,”he promised into the darkness. “I'll teach you to ride a bike. I'll even go to the mall with you.”

The last promise made him pause. He actually hated the mall. “Well, I'll have to think about that one.”He tightened his hold. “I can teach you to play baseball. I tried it with Elizabeth but she was more interested in playing the piano.”

Elizabeth winced at the memory. She had kept holding up the mitt, turning her head, and shutting her eyes whenever the ball came near her. Michael had finally given up, afraid that she would get smacked in the face, and she'd skipped happily back into the house to practice “When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again”on the old upright in the den.

“I promise always to let you into my heart. I promise. I really do.”

Suddenly Leah stirred. His body quivered with excitement. “Hey, Leah. Good morning.”

She turned over and lay flat on the bedroll. Her eyes fluttered and she moved her lips as if seeking some water. “Yochanan? Yochanan?”she mumbled drowsily.

Elizabeth turned away quickly and ducked back toward the dining area. Michael lay there for a moment, stunned. Then he jumped to his feet, tripping on some of the tangled blanket. He fumbled his way down the two ladders and into the kitchen. He braced himself against the wall as if it were a life raft. He looked down stoically at the worn floor, letting his tears fall freely.

After a few minutes, he took a deep breath and straightened. He knew now the important thing was to get his daughter back home
safely. He repeated that to himself for several minutes until he felt composed enough to check one more time on Elizabeth.

When he reached the second floor, he saw her lying peacefully on the mat in the far corner. In the moonlight, he noticed that her eyes were closed, and he stood there listening to her rhythmic breathing. Then he quietly left the room. A moment later Elizabeth's eyes opened and she dabbed them with the blanket.

Michael wandered back down to the kitchen and stood for a moment. Perhaps she was just dreaming, he thought hopefully. After all, hadn't he had dreams about Vicki, too? Yes, that must be it. It was just a dream. He turned resolutely and headed for the ladder.

Michael awoke to find Leah's head resting on his chest and his arms draped around her body. The sun had yet to make an appearance, but in the gray early-morning light, he could see everything so clearly.

Last night as they sat together on the roof, he thought something had changed. She was so near, her shoulder touching his and her hip against him. When he put his arm around her, she didn't resist. Instead, she leaned her head against his shoulder and her hair brushed his cheek when he breathed in deeply. What he remembered most clearly was how when he kissed her on the forehead, she had turned to him, placing her hands on his face.

But then she had called for Yochanan during the night.
Was it just a dream or her deepest wish?
He shook himself free of the blanket and struggled to stand up. Awaked by the sudden movement, Leah opened her eyes.

“Sorry, Leah, I fell asleep. I should have brought you back downstairs.”

Leah stood up silently, placing her hand on his cheek. “Michael, I chose to stay.”

“Really?” Michael whispered to her.

“Yes,” she said, cradling his face now with both hands.

He looked around shyly. “Would you . . .”

Leah looked puzzled. “Would I what?”

Michael paused. He gently removed her hands from his face and turned away. He walked to the other side of the roof. He took a deep breath, watching the sun break over the mountains.

What are you doing, Mike? Especially after last night . . .

He could hear Leah's footsteps approaching behind him. Turning to face her before she got too close, he whispered, “This is all so confusing. You know I've got to get Elizabeth back home, right?”

“I know,” Leah said, leaning forward and touching his arm.

Michael pulled her close to him. “Leah, if I could . . .”

“I know.”

She wrapped her arms around him, and he held her tightly. His head was now down on her shoulder as he breathed in the scent of her hair and neck.

She started to rock back and forth, a simple dance between them.

“Have you ever done this?” she asked, reaching down to hold his hands.

He smiled. “Many, many years ago.”

Michael held her hands up to his chest and leaned lower so that their foreheads touched. “How long have you lived here?”

“For as long as I can remember.”

“Do you want to live here the rest of your life?”

Leah stopped slowly and pulled back from him. “Why, Michael, why do you want to know?”

He paused, releasing her hands from his. “Oh, Leah, it's a crazy thought . . . I'm sorry. I really should go get Elizabeth up.”

“Of course,” she whispered back, heading toward the ladder. “Let me get you some clean garments.”

Michael followed her down the ladder. He could see to the right that Elizabeth was still peacefully sleeping.

Leah handed him a fresh robe. “I will get Elizabeth up for you.”

He smiled warmly at Leah before descending the ladder with the fresh garment in hand. Before he headed to the back alley, he could
see a flickering of sunlight coming through the fig leaves in the courtyard.

Another morning, another day.

When he closed the door behind him, he paused to look around at the washing tub and the toilet beyond. He shook his head in amazement.

This seems so normal now
. He stopped abruptly, uncertain if he could laugh on a day like today.

He took a chip of soap from the bowl and lathered it up on his chest with the water from the tub.
Am I really here? Nobody would ever believe this
.

After he finished, he put on the clean robe and walked quickly back inside. As he climbed the ladder to the second floor, Michael could see Leah sitting beside Elizabeth, rubbing her back.

“Come on, Elizabeth. Wake up. Daddy wants you to wake up.”

Michael smiled. “Come on, sleepyhead,” he called up to her. “It's time to go.”

“Huh?” Elizabeth said as she stretched out of her blankets. “Go where?”

“Go home.”

“Oh . . . really?”

Michael walked closer to her. “Yes. C'mon. Get ready now. We need to leave soon.”

“Okay, okay.”

“I'll be back in a few moments,” Leah said, patting Elizabeth one last time on the back.

Elizabeth watched Leah climb down the ladder before turning to Michael. “Daddy, why are we leaving now? What about the soldiers? What about Jesus?”

“What about him?”

“Well, we can see if he really rises from the dead, right? If we stay another day, we would—”

“I don't need another day to know what I saw. What I need is to get you home.”

Leah made her way back up the ladder and stood behind them now with a white shirt in her hand.

“Michael, perhaps you're right to leave now. With Passover finished, Pilate has gone back to his palace by the sea. There won't be any of his soldiers around.”