Night Sky (22 page)

She leans over anyway. “You look terrible.
What’s up?”

I lean toward her
slightly.
Can I just say it?
“Sky’s back with her family and…I’m not sure if
she’s coming back.”

“Oh…”
Sarah’s face looks confused. She’s still watching me too
closely. I can’t read her expression at all. And now I’m not sure
why I even try to understand girls.

“I’m fine.” I say, leaning back.

“So, did you break up?”

Break…broken…it all seems
so final. “I don’t know what we are right now.”
I
t sucks, but it’s the
truth.

Sarah reaches over and does the little
scratch on my back that she used to do before Eric. “Sorry,” she
whispers, as our teacher starts class.

Sorry? Yeah, me too…

***

The stands are packed for the state finals.
Dad’s in the stands, way off to the side. Mom is sitting right
behind the team, as usual. Sarah won’t even look at me. Apparently
I’m “just Jameson” and have to be ignored because I’m practically
naked.

Once I’m on the stand, ready to jump, my
brain is where it should be. My dive in is perfect. I feel it…I
know it. I get a good start, and it propels me forward. I don’t
think—I just swim. Nirvana plays in my head over and over. The
first turn is perfect, my body knows how to do this. I pull and
push harder than I ever have before. One more turn to go. I nail
it. I’m not thinking. My body is working, as hard as it can.

I touch the end. I pull
myself out of the water knowing that I won state. My two goals for
swimming are met. I broke the record…and now I see I’ve broken it
again…and I won state.
Shouldn’t I feel
lighter? Better?

Mom’s cheering and I give her a wave as I
stand up to grab a towel. I shake a few hands then look at the far
side of the stands trying to find my Dad.

“Great job, Jameson.” Sarah sticks out her
hand. She looks thrilled, but uncertain.

Her outstretched hand feels like an insult.
After three years, we should be closer than this. And just to
torture myself, I imagine what Sky’s reaction would be if she were
here. She’d be cheering me on waving her lean brown arms next to
Mom. I try to shake this picture before sliding a pair of shorts
over my swim gear.

“Nice job!” Coach slaps me on the back.
“Well done, Jameson.”

“Thanks.” It feels good to see the
excitement in his eyes over what I just accomplished.

“Honey! I’m so proud of you!” Mom wraps her
arms around me. I catch Dad in the background.

“Thanks, Mom.” I jerk my chin up toward Dad.
“I’ll be right back.”

She doesn’t look back. She
knows Dad is here.
“Okay,” she says,
sitting down in her seat to wait for me. A few people I don’t know
shake my hand as I weave my way through the stands to
Dad.

“Nice job, Jay.” He reaches out his
hand.

We shake, a good hard shake. “Thanks.”

And now we’re standing,
silent, staring at one another.
It feels
weird.

“I guess this is kind of odd, huh?”

“Yeah.” What’s funny is
that we just saw each other on the night of the Prom. But I
was
way
too
distracted to even
think
about talking to him. Now it feels weird because
he’s my Dad, and I have nothing to say.

“Well, I’ll let you get
back to your mom.”
Your
mom…there it is again
.
“It was nice seeing you, maybe you
could drop in on me at work this week?”

“Yeah, maybe.” I turn and make my way back
through the crowd to Mom. I don’t even really feel like
celebrating.

At the beginning of the year…no, just a
couple of months ago…I would have thought this would be the best
moment of my life, instead it’s just a reminder of how screwed up
everything is. I’m angry that I’m not able to enjoy my victory the
way I thought I would. Instead, I’m afraid to hug Sarah. I’m afraid
to show too much affection to either of my parents while the other
hovers in the background. I’m afraid to call Sky. This should have
been the pinnacle of my high school career—winning the state title.
But all I can think about is that Sky has a daughter she never told
me about, and that she thinks I have unresolved feelings when it
comes to Sarah.

Well, I’ll show her. I’ll get my end all
taken care of. Then this distance between us won’t be my fault
anymore. It will be hers. Her transgression is way worse than mine.
Everyone likes more than one person, but not everyone has a kid
they’ve lied about.

Sarah’s bright smile catches the corner of
my eye, and I wonder how I’m supposed to go about telling a girl
that I used to like her without it sounding really bizarre.

***

I step into school on the Monday morning
after the meet. We’re in the final two weeks of senior year, and
schoolwork is the last thing on my mind. I swing into Mr. Carlson’s
room, but he’s gone. But Sarah’s in here alone. Perfect. I can do
this. I’ll straighten out my end of unresolved issues right
now.

“Hey, Jamesy.” She looks up from her
homework.

I sit in the seat in front and turn to face
her.

“What’s up?”

“I need to tell you
something.”
Best to just say it, right? My
nerves are raw from life in general. I still feel like I can’t
breathe. I might as well get everything out in the open.

“O-kay…” She sets her pencil down and her
large blue eyes look up at me.

How do I feel about them
now…about her?
Her sweetness hits me. My
feelings for her are still there, at least a little.
Is it just that feeling this way about her has
become normal, or is it something more?
“I’ve been in love with you for three years.”

She opens her mouth, but nothing comes
out.

I take a deep breath. “I
just felt like you should know.”
Wow, is
that lame.

“I…”

I shake my head. “No, don’t worry. I know
you don’t feel the same way, and it’s fine. It’s just that, for me,
it’s been kind of hanging out there for a while and I wanted to
clear things up before we graduated and everything. But I guess I
want to make sure that we’re still friends.”

“We’re still friends.” She looks shocked,
stunned. Her face is sort of blank, and her eyes are wide.

I stand up. “I’m sorry to
dump that on you just before school starts. I’m good. It’s all
okay.
”
That last
line is a total lie.
My conversation with
Sky is ripping out my insides, and telling Sarah how I felt didn’t
give me the relief I needed (or thought it would). Now it’s just
out there, and it’ll probably just make our friendship more awkward
than ever.

What I need to do is to call Sky and tell
her that I finally told Sarah. Maybe she has something she can do
to make up for lying to me. The fact that she didn’t trust me
enough to tell me she had a daughter still crushes me. She never
even tried to explain, or make me understand. Should I be this
angry about it? Am I overreacting? It just sucks. It sucks because
I shared my whole life with Sky. I laid it all out on the table,
and the girl who demanded honesty in all things kept the biggest
part of her life from me.

How am I going to get through the rest of
the day?

I step into third period English, well aware
that I’ll be sitting next to Sarah. But she never shows up. I don’t
see her at lunch and when I’m by the pool for the swim team’s last
get-together, she isn’t there either.

I know it’s not a coincidence that she
disappeared right after we spoke. I guess I really did lose my best
friend. It hurts, but no part of losing Sarah compares to the hole
left by Sky.

***

I’m not sure of Dad’s work schedule, but I
take the bus downtown anyway. I thought he could walk with me to
get a new phone. There has to be a million cell phone stores within
walking distance of the Paris Hotel.

It’s a sad commentary that
I feel like Dad and I needed a quest, or something to do, in order
to make being around each other tolerable. I walk in and Dad’s eyes
catch mine. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I can’t believe that
talking to my own dad suddenly seems like such a big deal.
I see him make a quick call, shake hands with
some guy taking his place, before walking over to me.

Dad doesn’t hesitate in pulling me into a
hug. I’m not sure what to do with myself. “I’m glad you came.” His
voice is gruff.

I’m not exactly thrilled
with the situation.
“I needed a new phone
and thought you could walk with me or something.”

He nods and follows as I head outside. “I’m
proud of your swimming, Jay.” His hand rubs my back.

“Thanks.” I nod.

“Are you getting excited about
graduation?”

What a generic
conversation.
It’s uncomfortable, but I
don’t know how to let down my guard around him. “I
guess.”

“What happened to your old phone?”

Such an innocent question, but it really
sets me on edge.

“Did I strike a nerve there?” Dad chuckles.
Such a typical Dad response—normally it would loosen me up so I
would feel comfortable enough to tell him anything, but I still
don’t even know if I want to be here.

We’re in front of the Aladdin Hotel. “I
thought we could check here.” I open the door.

Dad steps in front of me to go inside, but
he’s quiet now. His face looks sad, but I’m not sure.

“How’s your mom?”

I sigh. “Okay, I guess.” This is where I
kind of want to scream at him. Instead I walk at the most normal
pace I can.

He nods. “I’m not seeing that woman anymore,
Jameson. I just wanted you to know that.”

“So, that sort of takes
away your reason for leaving doesn’t it?”
My voice sounds hard, mean even. Definitely more grown up
than I ever thought it could.

He lets out another breath, as if deciding
what he’s going to say next. “I just, I guess I didn’t want you to
feel like…”

“Like what?” I stop. “Like
you walked out on us? Like you found someone better and wanted to
trade up? How the hell am I supposed to
feel
?”

He rubs his forehead with his hand. “I don’t
know.”

“Dad, just…just go back to work. We’re not
getting anywhere. My whole life has gone to shit. I was stupid to
come here and think things between us would be normal.” I’m not
sure if I make sense or not, but talking to Dad isn’t what it used
to be, and I shouldn’t have expected anything more.

“Jameson…” But he doesn’t
know what to say either.
“Thanks for
coming to see me.” He pulls out some cash and holds it out to me.
“For your phone.”

“Don’t worry, I got it.” I turn and walk
away.

Do I still feel like we’re
on opposite sides? Like his money’s dirty, just because he doesn’t
live with us anymore?
I realize as I step
into the store—yeah, that’s exactly how it feels. The realization
sucks.

TWENTY-FOUR

It’s Tuesday morning, and I still haven’t
seen Sarah. Matt walks to my locker while I’m dumping my pack
before class.

“What did you and Sarah talk about?” He
keeps his voice low and leans against a locker.

“What? Why?”
Did I sound weird just then?

“It’s not a big deal, but Kaylee said that
you two talked and then Sarah went home. She’s home sick again
today.” His voice isn’t accusatory, just curious.

The problem is that I like Matt, but I’m not
positive he knows how to keep things to himself. “I have no idea,
just school stuff.” I shrug.

I know I should probably call Sarah to make
sure there’s no weirdness between us, but I’m not sure how to start
that conversation. Making up with people obviously isn’t one of my
strengths—Dad and I have nothing but awkwardness, and Sky still
hasn’t called me back.

***

When I get home from school, Mom’s already
there. “What’s up?” I ask as I drop my pack by the kitchen
door.

“Jameson, you have enough problems of your
own right now. I don’t want to burden you with anything else.” She
smiles pulling lemonade from the fridge.

“So, something’s going on,
and I’d honestly rather just know about it than wonder what it is.”
I lean against the counter watching her fill a glass.
Seriously, what else could go wrong?

She sighs. “Your father wants to come
home.”

“Oh…” I mean, it’s lame,
but I should say
something
, right? A few weeks ago, I
would have been thrilled, but now Mom and I are doing okay. I
already figured, instead of going to college I could stick around
for a year or two, and get a full-time job to help pay the
bills.

“Yeah,
oh
…my thoughts exactly.” She stuffs
the lemonade back in the fridge.

I want to ask her more, but this is really
the kind of thing that she should be talking to her sister about,
or a friend—not her son.

“How are things with you?” she asks.

I’m tempted to tell her about Sky’s baby,
but I keep it to myself. “I just can’t believe high school’s almost
over.”

“You’re right. It went by way too fast.” Mom
smiles.

“Maybe for you…” I push myself off the
counter and head for the pantry.

“Dad said the two of you talked
yesterday.”