No Holding Back (16 page)

“
It was that guy you were living with, wasn’t it?”

Chris
’ nostrils flared and her eyes become like those of a psychopath. “How do you know about that? What did Joe tell you!?”

Wade remained calm. “He didn
’t tell me anything. I was listening in that day you were bein’ chummy with ‘im.”

Chris
clenched her jaw to the point of pain and forced herself to look out the window again, feeling as though her privacy was invaded outright.

“You had no business-!”

“Maybe not,” Wade confessed. “But it got me thinkin’: it wasn’t cigarettes you gave him, was it?”

For a moment, Wade thought he had gone too far, expecting a sudden outburst from Chris at any moment. But when she spoke, her voice was amazingly calm and distant.

“
Y’know…sometimes? If I closed my eyes and thought about the drums hard enough, I almost couldn’t feel him on top of me.”

Wade sighed
aloud but Chris didn’t seem to care. She locked eyes with Wade, dead set on trying to make him understand.

“
Don’t you see why it’s so easy to be a guy?”

In a way, Wade knew she was right. When he thought about it, he just got lucky when Mike had them sign their contract on the dotted line. Hell, he practically shoved the pen down Wade’s throat. But Chris? She gave away something else, all for her drums. Wade loved his music, but Chris was passionate about it.

“
That’s why you zone out sometimes, isn’t it?” he asked, peering out of the corner of his eye.

Wade was met with silence but he knew he was dead on when Chris’ head fell to her chest.

“
How long did you live like that?” Wade asked carefully.

Chris sniffed and wiped her face with her sleeve. “Almost five years.”

He winced. “Jesus.”

“It’s funny, y’know? All those years I was his personal whore and the only decent thing he did was put on a condom before he raped me.”

She laughed through her nose at the sickening irony, but Wade remained silent, giving Chris his rapt attention.

“You didn’t have to put up with that shit,” Wade commented. “Why didn’t you just leave?”

Chris scoffed and she palmed her forehead.
“And go
where
exactly? Back home? You don’t know my dad. If he ever got a hold of me, I may as well kiss my drums goodbye.”

The strangest feeling came over Wade just then. He wanted to comfort her somehow - to tell her that her gifts actually meant something to Heretic, their fans - to
him
. He had no idea what to say or even how to say it, but before he could decide, Chris interrupted his thoughts.

“
It uhm…might sound pretty stupid but, when I saw you on TV that one day - saying that you were auditioning for drummers?” Wade nodded, urging her to continue. “I thought I was dreaming. It was like this long, dark tunnel I was trapped in had a light at the end. And before I knew it, I grabbed what money I could from that hell-hole and left. All I had were my clothes and my sticks.”

But before either of them knew it, Chris broke down into a quiet sob.
“I don’t even know why I’m telling you all this-!”

Right away, Wade put his hands on her shoulders and jostled her slightly.

“Hey, hey - c’mon, now. Chris? Chris, listen to me,” he began, trying to get her to calm down. “You wouldn’t have left that place if you didn’t think you had a chance with us.”

Chris rolled her eyes. “I didn’t know you’d take a
girl
. Why do you think I tried to disguise myself?”

Wade wond
ered that, too, but Chris kept right on going.

“
All I know is that I had to leave that place. Hess may have done some shitty things but you have no idea how many times I wished I was him. Or how bad I wished I was in his place. I just didn’t think it would actually happen. Sometimes, I still can’t believe I’m here. Every time I go to sleep I’m scared to death I’ll wake up in that place again....with
him
.”

Wade felt a tremendous shift in the atmosphere, almost as if the weight Chris
had been carrying all this time had finally let go of her.

“Chris, no one’s going to hurt you here,” Wade stated with conviction. "You can play drums for free. Promise."

He shot a small smile and winked at her hoping to cheer her up. And it worked.

She
laughed like a drunken fool and wiped her eyes one last time before she looked back out of the window.

With his drummer breathing easy again, and his curiosity satisfied, Wade got up to leave a second time.

“
Wait a second.”

Surprised, Wade turned around and looked back down at her. “What?”

“I’m not the only one with a secret.”

Wade smiled out of the corner of his mouth. “We
all
have secrets.”

“But the one about you and your grades? Joe said you were the top of your class in high school. Did you seriously turn down a full ride to college?”

Wade chuckled under his bre
ath and sat back down on the bed next to Chris. Only a handful of people ever knew of his mountain-high GPA.

"
Where would we all be if I hadn’t?" Wade retorted.

At once, Wade wished could take back his smart ass response, but he could see Chris digest the question the best way she knew how.

“You could’ve finished college, got a degree-.”

Wade shrugged.
“Wasn’t my thing.”

Chris laughed out loud, but Wade could tell his answer didn
’t set well with her.

“
Yeah, well, being a cum receptacle wasn’t my
thing
either.”

Wade sighed and rubbed the tired from his eyes.
“If you’re lookin’ for an answer, then I guess I’m here for the same reasons you are.”

“
And what ‘reasons’ would those be? You’re no dropout.” Chris spouted sarcastically.

Wade
smiled and shook his head.

“
No,” he said. “But like you? I love this shit. And I can’t see myself doing anything else.”

“
And your claustrophobia?” she pressed.

Wade
’s head dipped back and he seemed to talk to the ceiling. “I swear I’m gonna kill Joe and take away his weed.”

“
He said you hate crowds. So, how did you even find me?”

Wade
’s head dropped and he searched the floor for answers. He never had the best poker face, but managed to find the right words without sounding completely stupid.

“
Well, there was a lot at stake,” he explained as he rubbed the back of his neck. “When things got outta hand, I just put everything else aside and focused on what was important.”

Chris looked away and whispered
, “Thanks.”

Wade stuffed his hands down his pockets again and it was then that Chris heard the familiar jingling sound. But she canned her own curiosity for the sake of sleep.

“
So, will you go already?” Chris urged. “It won’t look right if anyone saw you coming out of my room in the middle of the night.”

Wade couldn
’t agree more.

“
Uh, yeah,” Wade laughed nervously, running his hands through his hair. “Take care of that wrist and get some rest. Let me know if you need anything.”

She nodded.
“Okay.”

Wade opened Chris
’ door and closed it behind him without trying to make a sound. His room was only a few steps away, but he made the trek as silently as he could without waking anyone.

However, an abrupt click from the bathroom door came from
out of nowhere and soon, Wade stood face to face with his brother. It may have been dark, but he could clearly make out his sneering grin and already, Wade wanted to wipe it off with his fist.

“
How is she?” he asked, but Wade knew Chris’ condition was the last thing Os cared about.

“
Fine. No thanks to you.”

“
Easy, man,” he said, carefully avoiding Wade in the hallway. “You better get in your room before Joe finds out.”

“
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” he growled.

“
C’mon, man.” Os stepped closer to his brother and hissed into the air like a snake. “You know how much they hang out together. Joe’ll be crushed if he finds out you’re spoonin’ his girl.”

Wade closed the gap between them both in an instant, but he caught himself ready to scream. He suddenly became mute and froze, finding a ring of truth in Os
’ slimy words.

Os didn
’t move a muscle, or even flinch underneath Wade’s mounting anger as his younger brother’s eyes moved over Joe’s door.

There, his friend
’s soft snoring could be heard clearly just above the hum of the highway underneath them.

Right away, Os pounced on his hesitation
and smiled.

"Goodnight, Wade."

Os left his brother speechless while he crept back into his room, leaving Wade standing in complete silence. Wade couldn’t help but notice that, for once,
he
was lost for words.

Wade
took one of his balled fists and pressed it against his forehead.

He should never have slept with Chris - innocent mistake or not. He had to be careful or it would cost him dearly. The last thing he wanted was to hurt Joe.

Finally, he turned and went into his room and managed to close his door without making a sound.

Wade never liked cutting things so damn close. He knew he should have gotten Chris a pair of sticks sooner, but it completely slipped his mind ever since that night of her near-reveal. He was still reeling from that little episode, but as their next concert ticked down to mere hours, Wade found himself in the middle of another headache.

“
Joe!?” Wade barked.

“
Yeah! What’s up, man?” he asked, bounding from his room all ready to go in full concert gear.

“
Stay here while Chris and I run and see if anyone’s inside,” he said, motioning to the seemingly vacant music store.

Meanwhile, Os remained seated and silent in his
chair, strumming at his guitar without a care in the world. But Wade’s anger was hardly cooled from his brother’s stupidity from the night before.

He grabbed Chris by the sleeve, but just before he was about to walk off, he turned and looked back at his brother.

“Oh and uh, Joe?” As soon as Wade got his attention for a second time, he nodded to his brother. “Keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn’t do anything
stupid.
”

Os rolled his eyes in disgust, but Joe seemed delighted in his newly assigned task. He looked down at Os and smiled while he cracked all of his knuckles in a menacing fashion.

“You got it, man.”

Chris sighed as she was allowed little choice other than to be drug off the bus after Wade. After Pete closed the doors behind them, Joe cracked a smile.

“I got my eyes on you, douche-wad.”

Os smiled in kind.

“
And yet it still won’t be enough…”

“
It’s Sunday,” Chris pointed out for the hundredth time. “Nothing. Is. Open.”

Wade ignored her
and continued to drag her down off the bus to the only music store left they could find.

This was their last option. It was the only place
left within miles that they would be able to acquire a new set of sticks before their next performance. And they only had a few hours left.

He forgot that hardly anything was open on Sundays - except for th
e venue in which they’d be appearing. After her injury, he was more concerned with ensuring that she iced it down every chance she got, so he didn’t even concern himself with a few pieces of wood.

Now, he was kicking himse
lf in the ass for throwing all of Hess’ personal items into the dumpster after he was thrown in jail. He remembered tossing an entire pack of unopened Vic Firths, but he got rid of them without a second thought.

“
Then I guess it won’t matter if I tried knocking to see if anyone’s home.”

Wade stopped just short of the two-story building and pressed his faced to the glass, cupping his hands around his eyes as he strained to
see the inside of the store and through darkened rows of music equipment.

Chris skidded to a halt in the gravel and crossed her arms like a disappointed child while Wade pounded on the glass doors with all his strength.

BOOM. BOOM. BOOM!

“
Hey!” he yelled. “Anyone in there!?”

Chris rolled her eyes under her hoodie. Wade had made her dress up like a guy in the event that they were actually lucky enough to find a store that was open.
And he wanted to avoid the public as much as possible. But after their fifth stop, even Chris was beginning to see that their efforts were fruitless.

“
HEY!” Wade screamed again.

BOOM!
BOOM!

“Wake your ass up and get down here!”

Chris stared up at the sky and at the rain-soaked clouds that took form overhead.
The sky looked gray and sickly and as thunder rattled off in the distance, her gut sank.

They never admitted it to each other, but neither Chris nor Wade slept after their innocent tryst in her room. And now they were exhausted. Chris had never tried coffee before in her life, but she could have used one just then.
And as a lonesome drop hit the tip of her nose, she sighed.

Frustrated that no one had yet to answer Wade
’s cries, he pounded his fist one last time on the door before he spun around in defeat.

He ran his hands through his hair and leaned back against the glass doors of the building.  He balled his fists and screamed,
“FUCK!” before his head fell back, creating a dense thud.

Then, the rain began to fall in sheets.

They stood in complete silence while the rain came down on them both. They knew that if Chris couldn’t find a set of sticks strong enough to take a beating, they couldn’t perform. But neither was willing to say so.

Chris dropped her gaze to the gravel road and kicked at a few loose rocks when suddenly, a
nother loud bang from behind the glass doors.

“
Hey! What the
fuck
, man! I was dead asleep! Can’t you read the sign?!”

While pointing at the sto
res’ hours, a heavyset guy appeared from behind the doors startling them both. He didn’t look any older than thirty, and judging by his badly wrinkled and disheveled clothing, he looked like he had just rolled out of bed.

Wade
melted with relief before he pointed to the inside of the dark building.

“
Hey, let us in, man! We need some sticks!”

The employee appeared put off and
reached into his front pocket as if he was trying to find his wallet.

“We
’re
closed
, ass-hat! Get the hell off my property before I-!” The employee screamed while he squinted, but after he pulled out a pair of eyeglasses and put them on, his face lit up like a Christmas tree.

“Holy sssshhit!” H
e screamed and pointed at Wade through the glass, leaving greasy fingerprints behind. “You’re Wade Griffin – from Heretic! Fuck me, man! I
love
you guys! I-I-I wouldda come to your concert tonight, but they were all sold out and-!”

The employee’s
excitement level mounted and as he continued his verbal infatuation, Wade tried to get his attention.

“Hey – hey, man! What
’s your name?!”

“I-I just…I just can
’t believe this! Heretic’s front man is at
my
store-!”

“Dude, hey-!”

“Huh, what?”

“Your name, man! What
’s your name?” Wade repeated.

“Huh? Oh! Uh-uh…Ed! My name
’s Ed!”

“Ed! Ed? Does this mean you
’re open?” he urged gently.

“Open? Oh! Open, yeah – yeah, hell yeah, man, just gimme a minute!”

Wade didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, but after he brought his keys out from another pocket and opened the door for the two of them, he was just glad to be out of the rain.

As
they filed in behind, Ed remained slack-jawed at the sight of Heretic’s bus. But when he laid eyes on Chris, he looked on the verge of a heart attack.

“No way, man. Tell me I
’m fuckin’ dreamin’, right?
Chris…Rebman!?
”

Ed
practically lunged forward to shake Chris’ hand, but Wade immediately stepped in and gave him his own hand instead.

“
Hey-hey! We really appreciate this, man. Look, all we need are some sticks and we’ll get outta here.”

As Ed and Wade exchanged hearty handshakes, Ed
’s eyes widened in growing excitement.

“
Sticks? Oh hell yeah, man! I got all kinds,” he said, striding to the glass check-out counter. “What’ll it be? Vic’s, Vators, Pro-Marks? You name it: I got it!”

Wade
looked behind him and at Chris, whose face remained hidden in darkness, but he wanted her to speak as less as possible.

“
Line ‘em up on the counter. Let’s see what you got.”

“
You got it, man.”

As Ed went to turn on several store lights, Wade motioned for him to stop.

“Wait - wait! Stop!”

Confused, Ed sto
pped mid-switch and spun around. “Huh? What’s wrong?”

Panicked, Wade tried
to come up with an excuse while he shielded Chris from view.

“
Uh…uh n-nothing! Nothing, it’s just that…he’s hung-over as fuck, man,” Wade laughed while gesturing to Heretic’s drummer.

Ed
snickered. “Heh, I
know
the feelin’!”

Turning on only the counter lights, the three of them huddled over the numerous brands of drumsticks
behind the glass. Ed unlocked the counter doors and took out several slender boxes and laid them side by side. Afterwards, Wade gestured to Chris.

“
Alright,” he said with a slight nod. “You’re up.”

Chris sighed and approached the counter, but kept her head carefully averted from Ed
’s ogling stare.

Wade watched as Chris picked up a single stick from a Vater brand
box and held it at a delicate angle in between her fingers. She weighed it in her hand, tossed it about a foot up in the air, and watched it come back down again in her palm.

“
Well?” Wade asked impatiently.

“
The wood’s no good,” she said, throwing her voice perfectly.

Ed scoffed.
“Whadd’ya mean it’s no good?! That’s solid-fucking-oak!”

Chris turned her head and
while she peered at Ed, she took the other drumstick out of the box and began to free play on the side of the glass counter - all while never taking her eyes off of him.

Wade studied her little
demonstration and noticed that on her final stroke, she bore down as hard as she could, cracking the very tip of the stick, and sending it flying directly into Ed’s forehead.

Stunned, Ed barely reacted to the flying piece of wood until he bent over and picked it up.

“Holy shit,” he whispered, studying the splintered piece of wood like a priceless diamond.

“
Like I said,” she sneered. “No. Good.”

Wade sighed aloud while Ed stuck the broken piece of wood into his pants pocket as casually as he could pull of
f, eager to keep the ‘souvenir’ to himself.

Meanwhile, it was all Wade could do to keep his temper. He palmed his face, but then redirected Chris to
a pair of Vic Firth drumsticks. And using her same weighing methods, she balanced one of the sticks in her hand but then promptly placed it back into the box.

“
What’s wrong with
that
one?” Wade protested.

Without looking back at him, Chris was already handling the next pair.
“It didn’t sit right.”

Wade rolled his eyes and tried to
argue but she was already going down the entire line of drumsticks giving vague reasons about why they wouldn’t be right for her.

Too heavy, too light, not the right kind of wood, wrong texture,
‘I don’t do nylon tips’, and towards the end of the line, Ed held up a pair of sticks that glowed when he struck them together.

“
Do I look like the fucking Blue Man Group to you?” she growled. Finally, she threw down the last pair and made straight for the door. “This isn’t gonna work-!”

“
Whoa, whoa, whoa!”

Wade ran and stepped right in front of the doors, essentially blocking Chris from escaping.

“What’er you doing?!
Move!”
she hissed just out of Ed’s earshot.

“
What’er
you
doing??”
Wade retorted. “Just pick a pair of sticks and let’s get the hell outta here!”

“
I-Is everything okay, man?” Ed’s meek voice interrupted.

"
”Yeah! Yeah - everything’s cool, man. Just give us a second!” Wade said with his best fake smile, but even away from the light glow from the counter lights, he could clearly see Chris’ eyes began to water.

“
What the hell is wrong with you?” he asked. “Get it together!”

“
I-I can’t!” she whispered.

“
Why the hell not? What was so damn important about the ones you had?!”

Chris let out a long, drawn-out sigh and her shoulders slumped. She faced away from Wade and crossed her arms, standing in silence for the longest time.
Despite their dwindling time table, Wade remained patient.

“
Three years ago, I spent my entire months’ salary to buy ‘em off a guy who got them at a concert. They were so damn expensive.”

Wade took one careful step in her direction. He was almost afraid to ask but he heard his own low voice penetrate the encompassing darkness of the store.