No Regrets (22 page)

I thought back to that day we sat in her room, looking at Jamie's wedding pictures, and one truth rang out that I had never bothered to acknowledge before. We were kids. Julie and I were only fifteen years old when we made that stupid promise. I'd grown up since then, and if Julie were here, she would have too. No matter how hard I tried to recapture that moment in time, I'd never be fifteen again. I couldn't bring Julie back by putting myself in danger.

Tears filled my eyes and I had to stop. I took a few deep breaths, and once I was sure I wasn't going to fall apart, I said, “I should have told you not to get in that car. I relive that moment every day, and I always beg you to stay with me. Would you have listened? It plays out differently in my mind almost every time. Sometimes, you say okay, but other times I have to wrestle the keys away. Sometimes I call for help. But I always save you. Always.”

I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself, wishing I'd dressed warmer. I wasn't even sure why I was sitting there, though. No matter how long I shivered in the cold, Julie wasn't going to answer me. She wasn't going to tell me what to do. That was something I would have to figure out on my own.

Finally, I pulled myself up and walked back to the dorm. It took longer than I thought it would, and by the time I got back I was shivering.

Annie didn't come back to the room that day, which gave me more time alone than I would have liked. I could barely look at myself, but writing it all down helped. For once, I didn't address it to Julie. I wanted to move forward, to finally be happy and live for myself. It was going to be tough because the guilt I felt was still so strong it made my knees weak, but I had to try. I had to focus on making decisions that made
me
happy. And I really needed to go back to see Dr. Houseman.

 

When my phone rang the next morning and Liam's face popped up, my heart went crazy. I liked Liam. A lot. Enough to push him away because I'd been afraid he was going to interfere with my promise to Julie.

I didn't want to push happiness away anymore.

“Hello?”

“Cami. I didn't know if you were going to answer.” Liam paused like he wanted me to say something, but I didn't have a clue what to say. When I didn't respond he said, “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I'm okay.” It sounded like a lie even to me. “Kind of.”

Liam sighed. “You can't really be mad at them, Cami. They didn't do anything wrong.”

I shook my head, then realized he couldn't see me. “This isn't even about Ryan and Annie. There's so much more to it than that.” I squeezed my eyes shut and took a deep breath.

I'd never told Liam about Julie and I wasn't sure if Ryan ever had, either. I wasn't sure if I could tell him about the craziness that had taken over my life. I still wanted Liam to like me, and there was no way he could like some chick who talked to her dead best friend. There were plenty of sane girls walking around Charleston.

“Then what? I know something big is going on and I'm worried about you,” he said. “You can talk to me. About anything.”

The pleading in his voice made tears come to my eyes.

“Maybe . . .” The desire to give myself to him completely was stronger than anything I'd ever experienced, and I could feel myself giving in.

“Meet me for coffee,” he said.

“Okay.” The word was out before I could think about it, but I didn't regret it. Which was a good thing. No regrets. That was the goal I needed to focus on. Not being wild or crazy or living up to what Julie would have done, but being sure I was doing things that would make me happy.

 

I was in the middle of getting ready to meet Liam when Annie finally showed up. She slunk into our room with her head hung in shame, reminding me of a dog who'd been caught chewing on its master's shoe.

I didn't look away from the mirror as I applied my lipstick. “I was wondering when you would come crawling back.”

She sank into a chair behind me, but I couldn't see her. I needed to let her off the hook since I wasn't really mad about the whole thing, but I couldn't help playing with her just a bit. It was almost like the old Cami was trying to claw her way to the surface again. Plus, I was a little annoyed she hadn't just come out and told me what was going on. So she and Ryan liked each other? Who cared? Other than Chris, that is. If she thought I would try to keep them apart, she was the one who was nuts.

“Are you mad?” she said after a few minutes of silence.

I pressed my lips together and met her gaze in the mirror. Her honey-colored eyes were huge and full of worry.

“I was at first,” I said elusively.

Her eyes filled with hope and she leaned forward, like she was on the edge of her seat waiting for my reply. “And now?”

“I'm shocked, and a little confused.” I turned to face her, crossing my arms over my chest. All I could think about was the morning after that stupid Christmas party. I couldn't believe they'd been sneaking around for that long and no one caught on! “How long has this been going on?”

She shrugged and picked at her nails, suddenly unable to meet my gaze. “It hasn't, not really. We've liked each other for a while, but the whole thing with Chris made it complicated.”

I snorted and rolled my eyes. It figured. “I'm sure. Chris is a baby and Ryan is a wimp when it comes to him.” I lowered myself into the chair across from Annie and narrowed my eyes. She still wouldn't look at me. “Before Christmas when there was blood in Ryan's bed?”

Annie nodded and I had the urge to slap myself on the forehead. Liam had totally suspected something was going on, but I had brushed it off. Self-involved, as always. Obviously that was something I needed to work on.

“I didn't have a clue, but looking back, I should have,” I said. “You were acting so weird. I just thought you were embarrassed.”

Annie nodded, and even though she still looked uncomfortable, all the misery she'd been carrying with her over the last couple weeks was gone. She looked content. Like she'd found her place in the world. Crap. How the hell hadn't I seen it before? The way Ryan acted around her, especially when she was staying at our house over Thanksgiving break. It was so obvious now!

Her eyes met mine and she squirmed uncomfortably. “What?”

“You love him,” I said.

Her lips twitched, but she nodded. “I tried not to, I really did. I didn't want to hurt you or Chris, but when it came down to it, I couldn't think about anyone else.”

Geez. She and Ryan really do belong together.

I flipped my hair over my shoulder and shrugged. “Well, I approve. I wish you'd just come out and told me from the beginning, but it's not a big deal.”

“It's not?” She acted like she had just been acquitted of a crime.

I jumped up and glanced at my reflection as I headed toward the door. “Nope. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm meeting Liam for coffee.” I did my best to sound casual, like it was no big deal and I wasn't on the verge of hurling.

“Liam?” Annie said skeptically.

“He called me about you and Ryan, then begged me to meet him. I decided to do him a favor.” God, I couldn't be honest with anyone about how I felt ever. Not even the people I was supposed to be closest to. Annie would be there for me if I told her all my shit about Julie, but I couldn't. I couldn't even let her know things weren't perfectly sunny in my life.

I was nothing but a giant fraud.

I
met Liam at the same Starbucks I'd broken his heart in a few weeks before. This time, he didn't have coffee waiting for me. He barely reacted when I sat down across from him, just stared at me with those intense blue eyes of his, like he was waiting for me to take off running or throw a glass of water in his face. With the way I'd been acting, I couldn't really blame him.

“I'm sorry about before,” I said. “About how I acted. Things have been weird with me.”

Liam nodded, then leaned forward. Almost like he'd wanted to be closer to me. “You've been different.”

“I've been having a rough time for a while now. Almost a year.” I swallowed and looked away. The idea of telling him all the details scared the shit out of me. I was afraid he'd be too freaked out. That he'd think I was too much of a mess to waste his time on. “My friend died in January.”

Liam reached out like he was going to take my hand, then stopped himself. “Are you okay?”

I forced myself to look up, and Liam's blue eyes searched my face. They were full of concern. Compassion. Understanding. It gave me courage. Hope that he'd stick around even when he saw what a big mess I was.

“She died before that, really, back in high school. But I couldn't let her go.” I swallowed, then took a deep breath and just went for it. I told him all about Julie and her protective parents. About her boyfriend and the party, and how she got in that car when she'd had too much to drink. “I've blamed myself this whole time. I should have done more, you know? And when we were younger I'd made this stupid promise to her, right after her sister got married. I promised I'd be wild and crazy and make sure I did everything I could to have no regrets. When she died, it was all I could focus on. I thought being with you meant I was letting her down.”

“Okay . . .” Liam leaned back and studied me for a few seconds. “That explains a lot.”

He didn't say anything else, and I knew he was waiting for me to tell him more, giving me the opportunity to explain everything. For the first time, I really wanted to. No matter how scary the whole thing was, I wanted Liam to know who I was. Not just the bubbly, closet nerd who loved a good party, but the broken girl who sometimes found it difficult to breathe. To think. Who hid how she was really feeling so no one could witness her crumbling to pieces.

I licked my lips and chewed on my bottom lip, trying to decide how much crazy to shower him with at that particular moment. I didn't want to scare him off.

“I talk to her,” I finally said, deciding to lead with the big one. The one that made me look like I needed to be locked in a padded room.

Liam's eyes got big and round. “What do you mean, you talk to her?”

“Out loud. I tell her about my day. The crazy things I've done. It started right after the accident. It made me feel better. But Mama heard me and freaked out, then insisted I get help. She thought I was going nuts. But I wasn't going nuts, not really. It's not like Julie responds to me or anything. I just want to feel like she's still here. Anyway, my therapist had me start writing letters to Julie instead. I guess it seemed a little less crazy, I don't know. I just know it made everyone else feel better, so I did it.”

The more I talked, the bigger Liam's eyes got, and the bigger his eyes got, the more I talked. I couldn't seem to make myself stop, no matter how uncomfortable it made me feel. The story poured out of me like a waterfall.

“When I started spending time with you I felt happy for the first time since she died, and she started to slip away. I didn't talk to her anymore and I stopped writing the letters. It felt good in a way, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. But I felt guilty too. I thought I was abandoning her. Despite the guilt, I made up my mind after the Christmas party that I wanted to be with you and move forward. I was happy about it too. Ask Ryan. When we got home, you were all I could talk about.”

“What changed?” he asked, not even trying to hide the pain in his eyes. “One day everything was fine, then the next you stopped answering my calls. It bloody hurt, Cami.”

Tears filled my eyes and I found myself wishing the table wasn't between us. I wanted to hold his hand, to kiss him. There was so much pain in his expression, and I hated that I'd been the one to do that to him.

“Julie's parents decided to turn off her life support. Knowing she was gone for good crushed me. I don't know how else to describe it.” A sob shook my body, but I swallowed it down. I needed to keep myself together long enough to make things right with Liam. “I'm so sorry I hurt you, Liam. I really am. I should have just told you what was going on with me, but I was so scared you wouldn't be able to handle all the craziness in my head.”

The corner of Liam's mouth turned up. It was a tiny smile, but it was there. It made my heart beat harder. Faster. Fed the tiny sliver of hope inside me.

“Don't you know by now that I like that you're a little bit crazy?”

I laughed and shook my head when tears filled my eyes. The fact that he could joke around gave me hope that we could start over.

Liam exhaled and ran his hand through his adorable imitation sex hair. “It's not like I've been completely honest. I know this whole turning over a new leaf thing had you totally floored, and I should have explained it better. You remember the day I yelled at you?”

At first I had no idea what he was talking about. I shook my head, then stopped mid-shake when it came back to me. “You were on the phone with your mom. You sounded upset, but you yelled at me when I asked about it.”

“Then we watched that stupid movie and you blathered on the whole time. It totally cheered me up.” He grinned. “You have a knack for that.”

“That movie wasn't stupid!” I protested.

Liam laughed, and even after the laughter had faded away the smile stayed on his face. “See. You can't keep your mouth shut, but it's bloody entertaining.”

I smiled wider, and so did he. Then we sat there like two idiots grinning at each other for about three minutes. It probably seemed awkward to anyone passing by, but to me it meant a lot. It meant he could forgive me for being a fool and he could like me even though I was a little nuts. No. He liked me
because
I was a little nuts. There were very few people who had seen the real me. The girl who liked comics and loved superheroes, who talked to her dead best friend and went to therapy once a week.

“So what was the phone call about?” I asked after a few minutes.

Liam blinked, then laughed and ran his hand over his imitation sex hair, which looked particularly sexy at that moment. “Right. Forgot what we were talking about.”

“Be honest,” I said. “Was it because you were thinking about me naked?”

He chuckled and shook his head. “You're a mind reader.”

We laughed together, just like we had when we first started hanging out. I loved his laugh. It made my heart do crazy things that couldn't even be described with words.

When we settled down, Liam said, “My mum was worried about my sister. Elisabeth had been seeing this guy. I only met him once, but he was a total wanker. Didn't like him. Anyway, he kind of screwed her over. It's a long story, but basically it made me take a good look at myself and how I'd been acting. Then it got me thinking about my dad. How he'd treated my mum like rubbish.” The corner of his mouth turned up. “Ironically, it's something you said that made me really decide to do something about it.”

“Me?” I was horrified that something I'd said had led Liam to make the decision
not
to sleep with me. That had not been my intention.

“At the beach house that first night, I told you I couldn't sleep with you because Ryan was my mate. You pointed out that every girl I shagged could be someone's sister. That was a bloody wakeup call, Cami. All I could think about was some guy treating Elisabeth the way I'd treated girls in the past. Made me feel like a total arse.”

“I barely even remember saying that, but I'm pretty sure I wanted it to have the opposite effect on you,” I said with a laugh.

Liam smiled, then scooted his chair around the table so we were next to each other. He took my hand and laced his fingers through mine, then just stared at our hands. Together. They fit so perfectly.

“Now what?” I asked.

“Well, I was hoping you'd go out with me.”

I bit my lip and grinned. “Are you asking me to be your girlfriend?”

Liam squeezed my hand and I forced myself to look up. He was grinning at me, showing off those perfectly crooked teeth of his. “Exactly.”

I let out a deep breath, and a sense of ease slowly returned to my body. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was taking control of my life, and it was a good feeling. Like waking up after a bad dream. Then something I hadn't even considered before hit me. I owed it to Julie to be happy. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

The following Friday I headed to Ryan and Liam's apartment, all ready for my first date with Liam since we'd worked everything out. Even though we'd done all this before, my stomach buzzed with nervousness like a five-year-old on the way to her first day of kindergarten. Part of it was the anticipation, though.

Ryan buzzed me in when I got there, then answered the door when I knocked. He grinned down at me like all was right with the world, and I was pretty sure he wasn't too far off.

“Liam isn't ready. He's still primping.”

“Okay,” I said, following him into the apartment. My nerves were trying to get the best of me, and I couldn't stop fiddling with the zipper on my jacket.

I lowered myself into the chair as Ryan flopped onto the couch next to Annie. She smiled and blushed just a bit when his hand landed on her thigh. Their relationship may have been all out in the open now, and I may have given them my blessing, but Annie still acted like she didn't want to advertise the whole thing. Ryan squeezed her leg and she leaned into him. When their eyes met, I wondered how I had ever missed the connection between them. Self-centered, just like Chris had said. It was something I was working on, making a concentrated effort to be less selfish. More involved in other people's lives. It would take time, though.

Annie gave my cousin a quick kiss, then stood up. “I need to use the bathroom.”

Ryan watched her walk away, never taking his eyes off her until she disappeared down the hall. Then he turned to me and shuffled on the couch. We hadn't been alone since the whole episode last weekend, and he looked like he was waiting for a lecture.

He wasn't going to wait long.

“You're an idiot,” I said. There. Short, sweet, and right to the point.

Ryan rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged like he didn't have a clue what to say. I was sure he didn't. “Sorry?”

“You could have just told me about Annie, you know. I wouldn't have cared. I mean, I would have given you shit, but I wouldn't have cared. Do you have any idea how many times I've thought you two would be perfect together?”

“Seriously?” Ryan grinned and shifted awkwardly.

“Starting with the moment you guys met. It's so obvious I'm surprised I didn't see what was going on before.” I knew it was because I'd been focused on my own shit, but I didn't say it. I didn't really plan on discussing all that with Ryan right then.

Ryan chuckled and relaxed. He shook his head after a few seconds, though. “Chris will never forgive me.”

“He'll get over it,” I said, waving my hand at him. “He just needs to find someone else to distract him and he'll be good.”

“I don't know, Cami. He really loves Annie.”

“He doesn't love her. Chris does this with every girl he dates; you know that. Every chick he meets is
the one
. Until she isn't.” I arched an eyebrow at him. “You shouldn't let him dictate your life so much. You may be friends, but you can't put your happiness on hold because of him.”

The words rang true for me as much as they did for Ryan. I'd been telling myself the same thing every morning since Liam and I talked, repeating it like a mantra. Trying to remind myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong. It still wasn't easy to think about moving forward, but every day it got a little better. I'd always miss Julie, but with time I knew I'd be able to embrace happiness.

“It's easy for you,” Ryan said. “You don't live your life for anyone but yourself. You want to do something, you do it. To hell with what I think or what your parents say. You don't give a damn what anyone thinks of you. I know I give you a lot of crap, but I admire that about you, Cami. I'm always trying so hard to make everyone else happy I sometimes forget that I need to be happy too.”

My stomach clenched and I leaned back against the couch. It was all bullshit, of course, and I hated that I hadn't been honest with Ryan. He and I had always been so close.

“What's wrong?” Ryan asked. I shook my head, but he wouldn't let it go. “Cami?”

“I just . . . I have so much guilt inside me.”

“What are you talking about?”

I looked up so I could focus on Ryan, but my eyes were so full of tears that his face looked distorted. Like I was standing too close to a Monet painting. I'd done that before. Gotten so close to one of his beautiful garden scenes that the colors and brushstrokes had blended together until they lost all meaning.

“Are you talking about Julie?” Ryan asked.

Annie came out of the bathroom and stopped about four feet behind Ryan. He didn't take his eyes off me. She had told me her secrets, but I still hadn't been honest with her. Now was my chance to make things right with both of them. To make up for all the lies I'd told over the last few months and just put it all out there. The real, crazy Cami.