No Regrets (15 page)

Once we were a good distance away, Liam jerked his arm out of my grasp and glared down at me. “Is this how it's going to be? You pick up a new guy every time you leave the house? I don't like it, Cami.”

“I only did it because you had that blond Hooters waitress draped all over you! You were totally doing that on purpose and you know it, so don't act all innocent.”

Liam pressed his lips together, but he couldn't completely hide his smile. “You jealous?”

“No!” I crossed my arms over my chest, totally aware that doing it pushed my boobs up. I grinned when Liam stared right at my cleavage. “So what do you want me to do? Stop seeing other guys?”

Liam ran his hand through his hair and shrugged. “How the hell did this happen?”

So he was as clueless about this whole situation as I was. We were a totally ridiculous pair.

I laughed and said, “I guess you just find me irresistible.”

Liam didn't smile at my little joke the way I thought he would. He swore and shook his head. “I like you, okay? That's all I'm going to say.”

“You like me? Seriously? What does that even mean? Are you asking me to be your girlfriend?” The whole thing felt oddly similar to the time a boy in my fourth grade class told me he liked my
Power Puff Girls
backpack, then tried to kiss me on the playground.

Liam threw his hands up as if he didn't know what the hell was happening. That made two of us. “I don't know. I just know I like spending time with you. I know you're seeing that other guy too, but I'm not out shagging anyone else. Got it?”

I rolled my eyes while my stomach jumped. Why was I so freaking happy to know Liam wasn't sleeping with anyone else? It's not like he was sleeping with me.

“I'm not sleeping with anyone either, okay? Mike and I . . . We haven't. That's all I'm going to say about it. We haven't. I'm not even sure if we're going to see each other anymore, to be honest. It was just something to do. To pass the time.” I couldn't quite bring myself to admit I had called things off with Mike over Liam. It was just too much, too soon.

Liam exhaled, but he seemed to relax after that. He shook his head and looked over my shoulder, and I turned to see what was happening. Ryan was giving Annie a lecture and it looked serious. Surprisingly, she seemed to be giving it right back. I'd never seen her so emotional or heated. What was it about Ryan that brought that out in her?

“I should go save Annie,” I said, turning back to face Liam. “I like you, but I can't give you more than I'm giving you right now.”

He nodded slowly while he sucked in a mouthful of air. “Just promise me you'll let me know if you start dating somebody else. I didn't like seeing you out with some other guy, Cami. It made me feel like rubbish.”

“I promise.” I gave him a smile and nudged him with my elbow. “See you tomorrow maybe?”

Liam snorted and shook his head. He acted like he still couldn't figure out what was going on. “Tomorrow, yeah. Brilliant.”

I headed over to where Annie and Ryan were still arguing, leaving Liam alone. There was a little part of me that hated myself for turning my back on him. It kind of felt like I was throwing happiness away, which was just dumb.

Annie was packing up by the time I got to her, and Ryan had stomped off.

“I want to get out of here,” she said, shoving her towel in the beach bag.

I couldn't argue with her. “Okay,” I said, helping her gather up our stuff.

Annie and I got an earful from Ryan on the way home from the beach. I was pretty sure my dad had given him lessons on what to say when he lectured me that would make me feel as young and stupid as possible.

“You need to stop this, Cami. This wild streak is going to get you hurt, and you're going to end up taking Annie with you.” His hands were wrapped so tightly around the steering wheel, it looked like he was trying to pull it out of the dashboard.

“You're being unreasonable,” I said, crossing my arms and pushing out my bottom lip.

I wanted to smack him upside the head for treating me like a baby. We were on a public beach in broad daylight with dozens of people from the college twenty feet away. There was no way anything was going to happen to us.

“Ryan's right,” Annie whispered.

My mouth dropped open as Ryan and Chris both turned to look at Annie. It felt like a total betrayal to me. Now I knew how Julius Caesar had felt.

“What?” Ryan asked, staring at Annie like she'd just spoken Klingon.

“I said, ‘You're right.' I'll be more careful, make better decisions.”

Even though I was super pissed, I couldn't help remembering how I'd felt lying in Mike's bed that first night. How awful the situation could have turned out.

Ryan had a good point, so even though I hated to give him any more control in my life, I said, “Fine.”

Ryan laughed like he'd just won some epic battle.

I wanted to take him down a few pegs, so I said, “Liam doesn't want me to date anyone else anyway.”

Ryan's smile didn't fade even a little. “Who would have guessed that my little sister would be the one to finally make that guy stop whoring it up?”

That made me shut up and think. Had I really played a part in changing Liam? It seemed strange considering he was keeping our relationship totally PG-rated. Okay, PG-13, but still. There had to be more to it than he was admitting.

E
ven with Mike out of the picture, I wasn't totally sure what I wanted to do about Liam. He wasn't seeing anyone, I wasn't seeing anyone, and we liked each other. I liked him so much I'd stopped trying to get Annie to go out to bars with me and found myself spending more and more time with Liam. Then there was the whole notebook issue. I hadn't written to Julie in so long, I couldn't even remember the last thing I'd told her.

Annie, Ryan, Chris, and I took a road trip to Atlanta the first weekend of October, which gave me a chance to think things through a little more. It was a nice distraction, but more than anything I couldn't deny how much I missed Liam and wished he had come with us.

I was really losing it.

When we got back, Liam and I started spending more and more time together. It felt like we were in a real relationship. We went out on weekends, had dinner, and then found ourselves back at his place where we made out. No sex. He still wasn't giving in on that one, which was driving me wild.

By the time November rolled around, I had settled into the routine. What's more, I was enjoying it. Relaxing. Being with a guy I liked and not having to worry about living up to someone else's crazy expectations. The guilt inside me had only lessened a little bit, though.

 

“You still writing in your journal every day?” Dr. Houseman asked, just like he did every week.

I squirmed on the leather couch. I was already feeling uneasy because I'd lied about missing my last session, and here he was bringing other lies I'd told to mind. Like when I said I was still writing in my journal, which was a load of crap. Not like it was going to do me any good anyway. I mean, I knew I needed to talk about my issues, but telling Dr. Houseman I'd given up on Julie just felt wrong.

“Not every day,” I said elusively.

“How often?”

Once in the past month. “A couple times a week.”

He nodded and typed something into his iPad. “Are you still talking to Julie?”

Tears stung at the back of my eyes. No. I wasn't. Not for a long time. It was like I was moving on or forgetting her and I hated it.

“No,” I whispered.

Dr. Houseman pressed his lips together and narrowed his eyes on my face. After a few seconds he said, “You feel bad.”

It wasn't a question, but I answered anyway. “Yeah. I feel like I'm forgetting her.”

“What about Liam? Are you two dating?”

“We're seeing each other, yes.”

“And that makes you feel guilty?”

“Why do you ask questions you already know the answer to?”

“Because I want you to admit how you're feeling. To me, and to yourself.”

“I don't know how I feel. I'm so confused by this whole thing with Liam, and then there's the promise I made to Julie. I realize she'll never know if I don't keep it, but I'll know. I'm not sure I'll be able to live with myself.”

“You need to forgive yourself for what happened to Julie.”

I sighed and got to my feet even though we still had fifteen minutes left. The whole thing was starting to feel like I was watching the same episode of a TV show over and over again. Every week. Only I never got to see the end.

“I think this is a waste of time,” I said, walking toward the door.

Dr. Houseman didn't try to stop me, which wasn't really a surprise. After all, it was all up to me. Wasn't it?

 

On Friday night Liam and I caught a movie, then headed back to his place. As usual, Ryan was out. My unsuccessful therapy session was making me crazy, and I really wanted to push it out of my mind. I thought doing something big would help, and I was pretty sure Liam could help me with that. I'd done a few crazy things: skinny-dipped in the ocean, had a fling with two guys at once. If I could bag the British guy, Julie would be proud. Right?

I was on Liam the second we set foot in the apartment, shoving him against the wall as I pressed my lips to his. He grinned against my mouth and kissed me back, but it wasn't desperate the way I wanted it to be. I wanted to feel like he needed me. Like he couldn't wait another second to take me into his bedroom and rip my clothes off.

I pressed my mouth more firmly against his, moving my lips faster. Pushing my tongue into his mouth while I ran my fingers through his hair. Pulled him closer. Finally, he responded the way I wanted. His hands ran down my back to my ass and he squeezed, then lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he turned us around. My back hit the wall and he kissed me harder, almost violently, like he wanted me to know he owned me.

After a few minutes, he carried me into the living room. We fell on the couch and Liam ended up on top of me with my legs tangled around his waist.

My head was still spinning with thoughts of Julie and Dr. Houseman, and I couldn't make them stop. I needed them to stop.

I grabbed his hand and shoved it under my shirt. His fingers tickled my bare skin as they slowly worked their way up, then he pulled my bra aside. My entire body jerked as he rolled my nipple between his finger and thumb. I moaned against his lips, grinding my body against his. His fingers teased me and his mouth devoured mine, and all the other thoughts began to fade from my mind.

I reached between us and grabbed the button on his jeans, undoing it in one quick move. When I pulled his zipper down, his lips froze. He moved back an inch, and his blue eyes held mine as I slid my hand inside his boxer briefs. Then I wrapped my fingers around him, and his eyes closed. He groaned.

I kept my eyes on his face as I moved my hand up and down, loving the way he bit his bottom lip, and how his jaw clenched when I touched him just right. I was thinking of how amazing he would feel sliding into me. God, I needed it. He'd been teasing me for way too long.

A few minutes later, Liam grabbed my wrist and made me stop. “We should go into the bedroom. Just in case Ryan comes home.”

My breath caught in my throat as I thought about Liam and me. Naked. Together. Exploring every inch of each other. It sounded like heaven.

He led me back to the bedroom and shut the door behind us. It was the first time he'd ever allowed me into his room—part of that whole turning over a new leaf thing—and we only made it two steps before his mouth was on mine again. We stumbled backwards until my legs hit the bed, and then we were down. Liam's pants were still unzipped, but we were both fully dressed. I wanted to do something about that as soon as possible, so I pulled away and lifted my shirt over my head, then reached back to unclasp my bra, tossing it aside.

His blue eyes swept over me as he moved his hands up my stomach to cover my breasts. He brushed his thumbs across my nipples, and I moaned. Then his hand moved away from my breast and was replaced by warmth when he closed his mouth over my nipple. Liam rolled his tongue around the hard little point, making me gasp. The throbbing between my legs grew with each flick of his tongue, until I was nothing but a writhing mess under him.

When I couldn't take it anymore, I grabbed his hand and pushed it down my stomach. Liam undid the button of my jeans with one hand, then rolled away from me long enough to pull them off. He yanked his shirt over his head before rejoining me on the bed. His hand rubbed up my inner thigh and over, then down my other leg. He repeated that move, over and over again. Teasing me. Making me hot and wild with lust.

I couldn't wait any longer.

“Condom,” I said against his lips.

His hand froze and he pulled away, holding my gaze. Then he laughed. He actually laughed!

I stared at him with eyes the size of the Death Star. “Why are you laughing?”

Liam sat back and ran his hand through his hair. He shook his head and chuckled a little more as I stared, waiting for him to give me a logical explanation as to why he would burst out laughing at the mention of having sex with me.

“Bloody hell,” he said. “I don't.”

I blinked. “You don't have a condom?”

“I got rid of them all. Turning over a new leaf, remember?” He rolled his eyes, then threw himself back and stared at the ceiling.

I couldn't move. What the hell? How was it even possible that Liam didn't have any condoms in this apartment? I mean, he was Liam! Shouldn't he be buying them at Costco?

“I can't believe this,” I muttered.

At that point, I was pretty sure I was never going to get laid.

Liam sighed, but didn't look my way. “I was trying to be a gentleman.”

“I don't want a gentleman! Would it turn me on when you pulled my hair if I wanted a gentleman?”

Liam burst out laughing and rolled his head toward me. “You're something else.”

He turned onto his side and propped his head up on his hand, watching me silently. It would have made me self-conscious since I was practically naked, except I looked damn good without my clothes on. So I just let him stare at me while he processed whatever thoughts were going through his head. Hopefully he was trying to figure out where he could find a condom.

After about a minute he said, “Tell me something about you. Something no one else knows.”

Wow. That was . . . terrifying.

I swallowed and thought of Julie and the notebook and Dr. Houseman, but I couldn't make myself say any of that. I tried, I swear I did. Twice, actually. But both times the words stuck in my throat until I thought for sure I was going to choke on them. No. I couldn't share that part of me with Liam. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

“I'm a huge nerd,” I blurted out. Liam let out a little laugh and shook his head as if he didn't believe me, but I raised my hand. “I'm serious. I like superheroes, the X-Men especially, and sci-fi. I love a good science fiction movie.”

He grinned like I'd just said something that made me even more attractive. “Seriously?”

“Yup. I know it's not a cool thing to like, but I do. I can't help it. I even have a few comic books.”

Liam laughed harder, then leaned forward and kissed me. It was so sweet and unexpected, I almost didn't kiss him back.

“What was that for?” I asked when he'd pulled away.

“Because I think you are adorable.”

I smiled even though something inside me clenched with fear.

Liam let out a big sigh as if he could somehow read my mind, then sat up. “I don't want to be casual.”

I sat up slowly. “What?”

“Bloody hell! I don't know how it happened, but I like you, Cami! I haven't liked a girl like this since Bernadette Driver, and that was when I was ten!” He ran his hand through his imitation sex hair and shook his head, then looked back at me. “I don't want you shagging anybody else. I think I'll go mad if I run into you and some other bloke.”

I licked my lips while I tried to figure out exactly what to say. Damn Liam for making this so complicated. I knew I'd regret it if I walked away, but I couldn't commit to him. Could I? Wouldn't that be the ultimate betrayal of Julie? Me settling down the very first semester of college. I wasn't even nineteen yet!

“I don't know . . .”

Liam sighed again, then looked away. “Just think about it over the holiday. Then you can tell me.”

“Okay.” I nodded and tried to smile, but it felt forced and I was pretty sure my skin was going to crack if I kept it up for too long. Liam barely looked at me.

Damn. Why the hell did he have to decide to turn over a new leaf?