No Regrets (Bomar Boys #1) (36 page)

“No.” She started to move towards him and then stopped herself when he turned back to face her. “No. That’s why I couldn’t tell you. God, no!”

Cash blinked, stared at her and then shook his head, “That fucker hurt you, threatened you, was going to ruin all of our lives and you don’t want me to do anything? What the fuck, Jemma? He deserves to be hurt for what he did to do.”

“And he is hurting, trust me.”

“That’s rich considering all of this.” He snarled and she winced.

“Fine, don’t trust me but trust your brothers. I don’t have any idea what Remy actually did but I trust him that it’s over.”

“I wouldn’t trust Remy as far as I can throw him.”

She blew out a heavy breath, “Fine! Trust Colt. He handled it.”

“And why was that?” He only narrowed his eyes at her, “Why did you trust Colt to help you but not me huh? Something there I need to know about? Because I thought you were my girl but if it’s him you want…”

“Jesus.” She recoiled from the accusation, “No, of course not. It’s not like that.”

“How would I know? Nobody’s talking to me. I don’t know what else you two have been doing behind my back.”

“Damn it Cash, don’t you get it?” She stomped, her own temper lighting with his disdainful innuendo, “We were trying to protect you! Both of us. All of us. We just wanted to protect you.”

“I wasn’t the one in trouble Jemma!” He yelled right back at her.

“Yes, you were, you just didn’t know it.”

“That’s the point!”

“We were trying to protect you! I was trying to protect you! I knew if you saw those pictures of me, if you knew that he threatened to release them, that you wouldn’t even think twice about jail or prison. You’d have been angry…”

“Damn right I would have been angry!”

She continued, “You would have been angry and you would have let it loose. You would have gone after him and you would have killed him and I couldn’t let that happen.”

He opened his mouth, closed it again, and she thought, for just a second that she had gotten through to him. Everything she’d done, she’d done for him. To protect him. Because she loved him. But then he jerked his head up and cursed at the ceiling again, cursed at her, and her tiny bubble of hope popped.

He finally dropped his gaze back to her and there was a new look in his eyes. It wasn’t just anger this time. There was defeat there too and that chilled her to the bone. He couldn’t be done fighting with her because if he was done, it meant she’d lost.

His voice was calmer when he spoke too, as if he’d resigned himself to this, “So I guess it was all bullshit huh?”

“What?”

“Us. All of this. It was bullshit.” He shrugged, “All the stuff you said about believing in me, believing I was a better man, that I could be better than my last name, it was all complete bullshit. The first sign of trouble and you thought I’d turn into Decker.”

A sharp pain sliced through her chest, “No.”

“Yeah. You did.”

The pain was sharp and intense and she knew that it hurt so badly because it was true. She never would have said it that way but he was right. She’d worried he would lose his mind, lose it completely, and go after Hoyt. She’d been scared that he would beat him to within an inch of his life and just keep going. She hadn’t truly believed Cash could kill someone… but in the heat of the moment, when she’d made the decision to keep it from him, she’d worried and that meant that he was right.

She’d expected the worst from him.

Tears stung the back of her eyes. He had every reason to be angry with her. She’d expected that. She’d thought she could talk him through that. But this was worse. That terrible look of defeat on his face scared her more than anything because she’d seen it on his face before… the day he’d walked out on her.

He’d looked at her that day with a dozen different emotions on his face. Guilt and sorrow. Pride and indignation. Hurt and despair. The one that had confused her the most then was the determination because she hadn’t known what he was really doing. She’d been the one in the dark that day but no more. He’d been determined to walk away from her, to leave her behind, and he was wearing the exact same look right now.

“I was trying to protect you.” Her voice trembled, “I was only trying to protect you.”

He sighed, “Sounds familiar doesn’t it?”

She didn’t answer but it didn’t matter. It was a rhetorical question anyway. He ran a hand through his hair and she bit her lip to stifle another flash of tears. She’d been so sure that if she told him about the threats, she would lose him. She’d kept him in the dark and here they were, only days later, and she was losing him anyway.

“I said the same thing when I lied to you. I was trying to protect you. I was trying to save you. I took your virginity and then I lied and broke your heart. Is this your way of getting back at me?”

“What? No!” She stepped towards him but he stepped away again and she winced, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry Cash. I don’t know what else I can say. I didn’t want you to get hurt and I thought I was protecting you.”

“I thought I was protecting you too but it didn’t fuckin’ work did it? You still ended up hurt. Damaged because of me. That’s why you ended up with that sick fuck. That’s why you let him hurt you. Hell, he even fuckin’ looks like me Jemma!”

She shook her head, “Those were my choices, not yours.”

“Maybe, but you made them because of things I taught you. Hurt and destroy, it’s the Bomar way. Do as much damage as possible.” His jaw clenched, “You would have fit right in.”

She swallowed hard. Past tense. He’d just used past tense talking about them.

Oh God… she had to fix this. She had to make him see that she hadn’t understood at the time but she did now. She’d been trying to save him. She’d thought she was doing the right thing. But from his point of view, now and in this moment, she could understand why he saw only betrayal.

It was everything he feared turned back on him. She’d expected the worst of him. She’d left him out of her life when it was truly important. When she should have turned to him and trusted him, she’d gone to someone else instead. Worse she’d used his brothers, his own family, to do the dirty work she couldn’t do herself and wouldn’t let him do.

“Cash, I love you.”

“I love you too.” He met her gaze, not a flicker of emotion behind his mask now, banked fire into nothingness, “I loved you when I broke your heart and now you’ve broken mine. I guess we’re finally even.”

“No.” She shook her head, “Don’t do this.”

“I didn’t do this. You did. You ruined us this time.”

Every word hit like a blow and she struggled to breathe. There was nothing to fix. He was already pushing her away, shutting her out and leaving her behind.

“I made a mistake.”

“Yeah, you did. You told me that I had to talk to you, that I had to let you in and tell you what I felt but you didn’t do the same. As soon as trouble hit, you hid it from me. You didn’t believe in me, in us, to get through it and now we haven’t.”

For a man of so few words, he destroyed her with the ones he was using now. She’d ruined them, he said. She hadn’t believed in him or them. And now she was going to pay the cost. She was going to lose him.

A tear streaked down her face, “I’m sorry.”

“Goddamnit Jemma!” His mask cracked as he screamed at her and she winced, “I know! I know you’re sorry but it doesn’t fucking matter. I don’t know what to say to you!”

“Say you’ll forgive me like I forgave you. You lied and I forgave you. Do the same for me. Please.”

He shook his head, “I can’t. I can’t say it because I don’t know that I can right now and I don’t want to lie to you.”

“Cash…”

“I’m not a good man, Jem. A good man would say it and find a way to make it true but I just can’t right now. I’m so goddamned angry at you. I want to put my fists through something. I want to scream and yell and tear everything apart but that just proves you were right not to trust me doesn’t it? I would have killed him. You were right about that.”

“No, you wouldn’t have.”

He didn’t argue with her. He just stood there, looking at her, for a long time. She wanted to go to him. She wanted to cross the room and throw herself into his arms but she wasn’t sure he would catch her anymore. She wanted to fall at his feet and beg him to forgive her, to understand her side the way she was only just beginning to understand his, but she didn’t. He’d said it wouldn’t matter and it wouldn’t. She’d already lost him. He was already gone even though he was standing right in front of her.

She swallowed hard, “So that’s it? You’re just going to give up on us?”

He raised his shoulders, a shrug that was far too heavy, “I don’t know. I can’t even think straight Jemma. I’m so mad at you, at Colt and Remy. I’m so fucking angry I can’t see anything but red right now.”

They fell silent again and she wiped another tear from her cheek, “I love you.”

“If I didn’t love you I don’t think I’d be so pissed off.” He sighed, running his hand through his hair, “But I can’t do this right now. I can’t. I need to be away from you right now. I can’t even stand to look at you. It hurts too much.”

She knew the feeling. It was the same thing she’d gone through when he broke her heart. She’d dealt with it by leaving too. She’d stayed gone for five long years. But in the end, she’d never really dealt with her broken heart, not until she’d come back to him.

She knew then what she had to do. She hated it, but she knew. It took every ounce of her strength to pull herself together. She pushed away the tears that streaked her face and tried to stand tall even though she felt seconds away from crumbling. She met his gaze and then she did what she had to do… and stepped aside.

“Go then.”

He frowned.

“Go. Go and be alone. Go and think about this, about us. Just go, Cash.”

He stared at her and the tears started again. She angrily wiped at her cheeks. She could barely see him through the blur of them now but she raised her voice and pointed at the door.

Go! Leave me! If I’m that terrible that you can’t stand to look at me then go! I love you and I don’t want you to hurt so go! Please! Go!”

She was sobbing by the time she heard him move. She had to listen for the rustle of his clothes because she could only barely see him. She couldn’t make out his expression. She could only feel him as he moved past her, taking his warmth and safety and comfort and leaving her, maybe for good this time.

Maybe this was just how they were always destined to part. They hurt each other. They loved each other so much but neither of them saw how strong the other one truly was. So they lied and omitted instead of trusting and believing. And as long as that was the case, this was the only way it could ever have ended.

Outside the apartment she could hear voices yelling again. Male voices. The same voices from earlier. Voices that belonged to men she loved. They were screaming at each other again but she couldn’t make out the words over her own sobs and she didn’t try to go and break it up this time. She barely made it to the nearby couch before her legs gave out and she curled herself up in a ball to cry.

There was the sound of shuffling feet nearby but she didn’t look up. She could still hear the male voices outside raised in an argument. A soft hand touched her shoulder and only made her cry harder because she realized she wasn’t alone at all.

Skylar had come home at some point during the fight. No doubt, Colt had stopped her outside so she didn’t interrupt them. She’d been standing out there listening to them scream at each other just as she knew Cash’s brothers had been. They’d heard everything.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay.” Skylar slid onto the couch next to her, wrapping her slim arm around her back and offering a comforting stroke.

“N…n…no. It’s… not.” She sniffed softly.

Not this time. It wasn’t going to be okay. Nothing might ever be okay again.

Because this time she was the one that had hurt him. She was the one at fault. She was the one that would have to wait, have to hope and pray that he came back to her. And she knew that if she’d lost Cash for good, it would hurt forever.

“Shh, okay, just… let it out.” Skylar soothed instead of offering more platitudes.

Her friend rubbed her back and Jemma sobbed into her lap. Ugly crying until she was hiccupping and couldn’t quite breathe. She wasn’t sure how much time passed before she felt Skylar stiffen next to her.

“What do you want?”

Jemma looked up through her swollen eyes to see who she was talking to and only cried harder. Colt stepped into the apartment and moved towards her. She couldn’t fight with any more of them tonight, particularly not the one that looked so much like the man she loved. She shook her head but he didn’t stop until he knelt in front of her and took her tear soaked hand.

“Don’t give up on him, Jem.”

“I…I…I didn’t. He… gave up… on me.” She hiccupped.

“He’s angry but he’ll cool down. It was smart of you to tell him to go and give him time. He’ll come around. Don’t do anything stupid in the meantime okay.” He squeezed her hand and then released her, his attention turning to the woman at her side, “Keep an eye on her would ya?”