Nothing Changes Until You Do: A Guide to Self-Compassion and Getting Out of Your Own Way (2 page)
Read Nothing Changes Until You Do: A Guide to Self-Compassion and Getting Out of Your Own Way Online
Authors: Mike Robbins
Tags: #Self-Help, #General
Chapter 27:
Remember that You Are Much More than What You Do
Chapter 29:
Speak Your Truth (Even if Your Voice Shakes)
Chapter 30:
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Chapter 32:
Allow Things to Be Easy
Chapter 34:
Be Real and Compassionate about Money
Chapter 35:
Stop Should-ing on Yourself
Chapter 36:
Take Good Care of You
Chapter 37:
Focus on What You Can Control
Chapter 39:
Let Your Light Shine
Chapter 40:
Live like You’re Going to Die (Because You Are)
This book is about one of the most important and challenging aspects of life—our relationship with ourselves. What I’ve noticed in my 40 years of living, especially in the past 13 as a coach, speaker, and author, is that it doesn’t matter our level of success or the specific circumstances we face in life—the most essential human relationship we have is the one with ourselves. Sadly, many of us don’t have a very healthy or empowering internal relationship and there seems to be an epidemic in our culture of self-criticism, self-doubt, and thinking that our inherent value is directly connected to what we do, the status of our relationships and family, the money we have, our appearance, or any other number of external factors. None of which is true.
The more unhealthy and critical our relationships are with ourselves, the more it manifests in various negative ways in our lives. We sabotage our success; turn to addictions of all sorts (food, work, alcohol, drugs, sex, technology, and so on); treat the people close to us in unkind ways; damage our bodies; and create drama, conflict, and suffering in many areas of our lives. These behaviors are inconsistent with self-compassion, self-acceptance, and self-love, which are the core themes of this book.
Making peace with ourselves is fundamental to everything that truly matters in life. When we genuinely feel good about who we are, and when we treat ourselves with kindness and love, everything flows from there. Regardless of how “good” or “bad” the circumstances or situations in our lives may be, our ability to deal, respond, succeed, and ultimately thrive has everything to do with how we relate to ourselves.
I’ve been speaking and writing about these important themes for over a decade, and I am passionate about them. They are also things that I have found (and continue to find) difficult in my own life. I subscribe to the philosophy of “we teach best what we most need to learn.” In that spirit, I’ll start by sharing some of my own journey, which led me to write this book specifically.
I haven’t written a new book in five years. My first book,
Focus on the Good Stuff
, came out in 2007 and my second book,
Be Yourself, Everyone Else Is Already Taken
, in 2009. In the span of just three years, I wrote two books and my wife, Michelle, and I had two daughters (Samantha, who is now eight, and Rosie, who is now five). It was an incredible and exciting time for us in so many ways—filled with many of the things Michelle and I had dreamed about when we first got together. However, by the end of 2009, I felt exhausted and confused. As I reflected on the previous three years, in particular that year of 2009, I was disappointed, disheartened, and overwhelmed by life, work, and fatherhood. And most painful and insidious of all was that I felt awful about myself. Here I had all these things that I said I wanted, but I wasn’t happy—in fact, I was pretty miserable.
Somewhere along the way I had lost touch with my passion, purpose, and inspiration. I had fallen into the traps of both survival and ego-edification. I was trying to keep up with the various demands and pressures of my expanded life and trying to prove to others (and myself) that I was good enough, worthy of attention and recognition, and legit as an author, speaker, coach, husband, father, and man.
That was a particularly rough year for both Michelle and me. Although we had a lot of “good” things going on (at least on the surface) and we expected it was going to be a monumental year of success and growth for us, it ended up being filled with disappointment, struggle, and definitely some growth (but not the kind we wanted). Due to a variety of factors, by the end of the year, we found ourselves $105,000 in debt and more than $300,000 upside down on our house (having “bought” a home we really couldn’t afford, which we financed 100 percent, near the top of the market in an area that went down in value significantly when the housing bubble burst).
In addition, parenthood was kicking our butts big-time, and while we never expected it would be easy, we weren’t prepared in any way for how relentless, all-consuming, and fundamentally life altering it would be. We love our girls deeply, but being parents was really hard at times, and it was taking a big toll on each of us individually, as well as on our marriage.
I had lost my way and was in a state of deep emotional pain and confusion—questioning just about everything about myself, my work, and my life. I’d gotten so caught up in trying to keep up, achieve, and produce that at some level I felt like I’d forgotten who I was and why I was doing the things I was doing in the first place.
That difficult year, as painful and humbling as it was, turned out to be a beautiful catalyst for growth, healing, and change. I remember saying to Michelle at one point toward the end of 2009, “What if we stop trying to
look
happy and successful, and actually focus on
being
happy and successful? I bet if we actually
are
happy and successful, we’ll look like it, too.”
Since then, life has taken some interesting, intense, and miraculous twists and turns. There’ve been some huge highs and some incredibly difficult lows, and I’ve learned an enormous amount—about myself, my work, my life, and the world around me.
Some of the most difficult challenges have been dealing with the death of my mom from lung cancer, our financial difficulties, and our two miscarriages. I’ve also had some deep and painful struggles with my own self-criticism and self-loathing—often focused on my appearance, as well as being constantly challenged by the competing demands of my business, my family, and my personal growth and desires. Sometimes I feel as though I’m letting down the most important people in my life, including myself, because I don’t know where to focus my time and attention.
In addition to these painful experiences, which have been growth inducing and transformational in many ways, there have been some amazingly exciting and wonderful things that have manifested in my life during these years. We were able to do a short sale on our house and exit with integrity in a way that felt good and responsible to us, all things considered. Miraculously, within an 18-month period, we not only got out from underneath the mess of our house situation but also paid off our entire debt and set up a responsible, reality-based financial plan. Our girls have been thriving in their new school, and parenthood has gotten easier and more enjoyable. While it still kicks our butts all the time and Michelle and I sometimes look at one another as if to say
What were we thinking?
we’re having more fun and doing things that create greater joy, adventure, and excitement for our girls and our family.
My speaking business has grown in wonderful ways, giving me the opportunity to travel around the country and the world, sharing my thoughts and ideas with some pretty cool clients like Google, the San Francisco Giants, Gap, Twitter, Charles Schwab, eBay, and many more. And, thanks to the success of my business, our continued commitment to our financial health and awareness, and the sale of my mom’s house, not only have we remained debt-free, but we’ve been able to save and invest a significant amount of money (for the first time in our lives), as well as move into an amazing new house in a community that we love!
More important than any of these external successes and accomplishments is that I feel like I’ve been able to go deeper into myself, my growth, my healing, and my own transformation over the past few years. I’ve made my own self-care, personal growth, and spiritual connection more of a commitment in my life. I also feel like I’ve started to live and embody more of what I’ve been speaking and writing about over these past many years in terms of self-appreciation and self-love.
As I’ve gone through all of these twists and turns, and as I’ve continued to work with people from all different walks of life, I’ve been constantly reminded that everything comes back to our relationships with ourselves. And, no matter what it is we’re facing, the most important and difficult aspect of it is always how we relate to ourselves.
If we can figure out a way to be authentically gentle, kind, and loving to ourselves as we attempt to do whatever it is we attempt to do, our chances of success and fulfillment increase dramatically. If we don’t, it can make the smallest task, action, or desire seem like a mountain we can’t even begin to climb. In other words,
Nothing Changes Until You Do
!
As excited as I am to be writing this book and sharing it with you, the scariest and most challenging part of it is dealing with that negative voice in my head, my gremlin (aka my inner critic), who constantly tells me all the reasons why I can’t or shouldn’t. This is how the gremlin works: It’s critical. It’s mean. It’s judgmental. Its only goal is to convince us that we’re small, weak, and unprepared. The gremlin, which is the voice of our negative ego, lies to us about who we really are and tries to hold us back. Unfortunately, we listen to and believe the gremlin too often.
This book is about how to take back your power from the insidious and negative impact of your gremlin and be gentle with yourself in the process. In the chapters that follow, I share stories from my own life and from the lives of others—with insights, questions, suggestions, and ideas about how you can be more kind, forgiving, and appreciative of who you are and how you are, right now. Not after you’ve figured it all out, lost some weight, made more money, found the right person, or somehow become the “perfect” version of yourself.
I’ve learned a lot through various experiences, and from many teachers, counselors, mentors, friends, and others. I have figured some things out and struggled to make sense of many other important aspects of life. My intention in writing this book is to share some of these experiences and insights with you in a way that can help you on your journey of growth, discovery, and fulfillment.
This book is designed to give you deeper insight into yourself and the most important aspects of your life—to help you get out of your own way, keep things in perspective, and focus on what truly matters to you. But most of all, it will help you to have more compassion, more acceptance, and more love for yourself—thus giving you access to more compassion, more acceptance, and more love for the people (and everything else) in your life.
While the stories in this book focus on me and people I know, the most important person in this book is you. Your relationship to yourself gives you the context for how you relate to everyone and everything around you. Unfortunately, most of the feedback you get about how to live your life comes from the expectations of others and/or of the culture or environment in which you live. And while these things and people are important and essential to life and growth, what’s most essential is how you relate to and feel about yourself. Hopefully these stories will help you see your life in a new way.
I acknowledge you for picking up this book, which, in and of itself, is an act of self-love. I feel grateful, humbled, and honored to be embarking on this journey with you. Here we go …
My mom, Lois Dempsey Robbins, was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer in early March of 2011. The disease spread very quickly and on June 13 of that same year, she passed away. I was with her through her dying process, and it was both horrible and beautiful at the same time.
It was difficult for me to see my mom’s physical deterioration and how much pain she was in. I also struggled with the realization that she was going to die and that at 37 years old I would be without either of my parents (my dad died in 2001), and my girls would grow up without their grandma, who absolutely adored them.
However, there were some amazing moments as well. About a week before she died, my mom and I were sitting on her bed talking. She was already starting to fade in and out, but in a clear and lucid moment, she looked at me and said in a hushed tone, “I’m sorry I didn’t teach you more, Mike.” I was a bit surprised to hear her say this; my mom wasn’t big on apologies or vulnerability, although in that final month or so she really softened and opened up in beautiful ways. “That’s okay, Mom,” I replied. “You taught me more than enough.” After a pause I added, “Sorry I was such a pain in the ass sometimes.” She looked at me and said, through a laugh, “It’s okay; that’s what you were supposed to do.” We both laughed and cried a little, but mostly laughed. Our relationship had its challenges over the years, but in that moment, we connected in a very real way.
This type of closeness, and the family connection, deep conversations, healing, insights, love, forgiveness, and support were some of the most wonderful things I experienced in the days and weeks before and after her death.
My mom’s diagnosis, illness, and passing caused me to look more deeply at the things and people in my life that matter most—as is often the case when we go through a traumatic event. Through this challenge, I was given perspective and awareness.
What I noticed is that, sadly, I don’t focus on what and who truly matter to me as much as I’d like. I often get distracted by fears, ego-obsessions, drama (in my own life and in the world), ambitions, and all sorts of survival instincts and emotional reactions. While I understand that this is all part of being human, I also recognize that when I get distracted like this, I’m not able to fully engage in the most important parts of my life.