Odd Girl Out (42 page)

Unless you just cut a fat check to your school's PTA or endowment fUnd, the I'll-huff-and-I'll-puff approach is generally ineffective. School officials are used to upset parents—that's part of the job—but unhappiness is never an excuse for rudeness. What pains teachers and counselors most in their interactions with parents is the loss of civility. Parents who drop by offices for intense conversations without making an appointment, who call excessively without leaving a message (yes, most schools have caller ID), who send lengthy e-mails and are outraged when there is no instant response, create discomfort and resentment in the very people whose help they need. Some parents go further, becoming verbally abusive and threatening.

Although parents who act this way comprise a small percentage of a community, they can absorb a disproportionate amount of a school or teacher's time. They can also bruise a teacher's self-esteem and professional confidence. When teachers become skittish about difficult parents, they play it safe, avoiding situations where they may encounter an aggressive parent—and possibly hanging back when certain children act out.

When a child is in any kind of danger, it is easy to let anxiety and fear overwhelm you. This comes through in how you communicate, interpret information, and react to others. Emotion can be an asset or a weapon; as the latter, Gatens says, "While it may get a lot of attention, it isn't that good in getting a lot of results because it automatically creates an adversarial relationship." For this reason, remaining as calm and respectful as you can is crucial.

There is no easy way to say it: getting labeled your school's "crazy parent" can complicate the path to a solution. Be prepared to offer clear, factual details about the situation. Using the information you gathered from your daughter and conversations with other adults in her life, share the evidence. Describe behaviors and incidents. Steer clear of personal judgments about children or adults.

That doesn't mean being a robot. Gatens explains, "The parents who are the most effective lose their minds, but then they find them again." Before you call, take your emotional temperature. Can you control yourself if the conversation does not go your way? If you feel a need to call that is so urgent you can't do or think about anything else, it may not be the right time.

There are two things to avoid: First, try not to wait until the moment you're boiling over to act. Some parents watch from the sidelines and catalogue aggressive incidents, only to explode when the situation becomes untenable. Waiting too long usually means that you are overwhelmed by the time you approach the school.

Second, do not begin a conversation from a place of anger. Accusing the school, from the first moment, of doing nothing and allowing your child to be bullied will obviously make it difficult to work together to address your problem.

"I respond much better to a parent who calls and tells me on the phone or asks to come in, thanks me, and trusts that I will do everything in my power to help her and her daughter," Julia Taylor told me. "Also," she added, "sometimes parents just need to vent, and that's okay, too."

Avoid attacking the other child.
When you report what has happened, stay focused on the behavior, not the character, of the aggressive child. Do not label her or question the way she was parented; any professional worth her salt will refuse to engage on that level anyway. Stick with what is happening to your child and how you and the school can help her.

Be strong for your child.
Your child goes to school every day because she knows you believe it is a safe place where she is recognized and nurtured. If you question or challenge the school excessively in your daughter's presence, her confidence in the school will falter, and along with it her faith in herself. Unless you are pulling her out of the school tomorrow, no matter what you really think, show your child that you are working in partnership with the school. If you go to a meeting with her at school, give her the space to communicate on her own behalf. Do not mirror her emotions or editorialize about the incident at length. Where possible, echo the concerns or suggestions of the professional. When you do this, Gatens said, "it strengthens the ability of the school to resolve the matter in the eyes of the child." Do not confuse criticizing the school with advocating for your child. Save your strongest feelings to be conveyed when she is not present.

Ditch incompetent adults.
As in all other places of business, schools will have their share of incompetent employees. Having your complaints dismissed, your response questioned ("Perhaps you're overreacting a bit..."), or the incident ascribed to "girls being girls" is a sign you may be dealing with one. Move on to another person at the school who can help you. That said, it is easy to mistake a disappointing response for a sign of incompetence. It's okay to express dissatisfaction, but be careful when you accuse an otherwise well-regarded professional of incompetence. It can ultimately affect your reputation at the school.

 

calling another parent

This is potentially dangerous territory, but it doesn't have to be. Caution, however, should be exercised. These conversations can go swiftly and woefully awry. It's rarely easy for the approaching parent to conceal her discomfort and anger. Parents on the receiving end often see comments about their children as a personal affront to their parenting skills, or worse, to themselves. Their responses can be angry and defensive as a result. It's also not unusual for the parent to deny the problem altogether. Rosalind Wiseman, coauthor of
Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads,
⁸¹
tells a great story about a boy throwing sand at her son in the sandbox. She is indignant and outraged. When her son, moments later, does the same thing, she defends him by saying he is tired. You have a blind spot for your child. Every parent, even one as accountable as Wiseman, will struggle to see the rougher edges of her child's behavior. It comes with the territory.

In the area of dealing with other parents, there are some absolute, 100 percent no-no's. As I said earlier, the example you set as the parent is key. Never confront the other child directly, no matter how close you are to the other family. Do not ignore or give dirty looks to the other child when you encounter her in hallways, carpool lanes, and cafeterias. Do not confront a parent publicly without warning, or slander the other parent or child in front of your daughter.

When you call another parent (and you should call; this is rarely a conversation for e-mail or, God forbid, texting), make sure it is a good time for the other person to talk (avoid calling at dinnertime or late at night), or e-mail to set up a time to talk. Explain that you want to discuss a problem involving your children, and acknowledge up front that you know you have only one part of the story. Jot down some notes ahead of time so you can take extra care with your words.

As dispassionately as possible, describe the facts. Stick closely to the behaviors that were observed or experienced, and name the emotions your child felt as a result. Do not discuss the other person's parenting style and try not to label her child's behaviors ("rude," "unfair," "hurtful"). Allow the parent to respond, and invite him to work with you on a solution together.

Be prepared to hear a response like, "I think you might be overreacting here. Shouldn't we just let the kids work it out for themselves?" Another: "Hey, isn't this just girls being girls? Not much you can really do. They'll figure it out!" When that happens, take a deep breath, watch your tone, and continue:

"
I appreciate that, and I agree it's important to let the kids work things out when they can. I also think we have given them some chances to work it out already. [Your child's name] has done what she can [give an example if you can] and she is still having a hard time. I am asking for your help in resolving this. Can we talk about what we can do to resolve this together?
"

You might also say, "
I'm letting you know because I would have wanted another parent to tell me something like this. I know how involved you are with your child, and I figured you would want to know this was happening. If my daughter is involved, please let me know.
"

If you are told the situation is simply a matter of "girls being girls," try this response: "
It's true. This does seem to be how some girls girl act. But just because it happens to a lot of girls doesn't mean they don't
need our help, or that the behavior is okay to begin with. If they've done everything they can to deal with it on their own, and they still need us, I think we need to step in.
"

Wiseman's
Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads
is an excellent resource guide for navigating conflict with the adults in your child's life.

 

switching schools, changing relationships

Does she want to switch schools? Several girls and women I met transferred to make a fresh start and never looked back. The change may seem disruptive, but it can make a huge difference. Like a storm, girl bullying is often little more than different social elements swirling together in a particular climate. There's a reason why tornadoes touch down in Kansas more often than in California, and social chemistry among girls is often the same way. Unless a girl is consistently controversial and has struggled across different contexts, changing schools may be the right answer. The stories I heard confirm that girls who are whittled down in one environment can thrive in the next.

If changing schools is a financial burden, there are other options. Elizabeth entered a weeklong youth program at the low point of her suffering in eighth grade. Angry, suspicious, and defensive at the time, she was practically dragged in by her parents. To her great surprise, Elizabeth recalled, "These perfect stranger kids would walk up and give me a hug and say, 'It's nice to meet you. I'm so-and-so.' And I was like, 'Oh my God. Are you for real? Are you serious?' But by the end of the week I skipped out of there ... They wanted to know me and there was no catch. They weren't going to stab me in the back."

That experience, she remembered, "turned my perspective around totally." When Elizabeth went to high school that fall, she was "high on acceptance, totally high on [the fact that] it doesn't matter because, whatever, these people [from the youth program] love me for who I am." For Elizabeth, the scars may not have disappeared, but her wounds did begin to heal.

Reparative relationships can make a world of difference to girls. I will never forget the day I realized this. I co-founded and ran the Girls Leadership Institute summer camp for many years. Every day, I taught middle- and high-school girls workshops about assertiveness and healthy friendships. I am not embarrassed to admit that I believed the workshops were what brought girls back year after year. They weren't. It was the friendships. The girls were emboldened by the trusting, honest, and unselfconscious relationships we had given them a space to create. It was these connections that gave them permission to make new leaps in their development.
⁸²

There is no question that a new activity can mean the world to an ostracized child. Ideally, you should choose activities where kids are valued more for the contribution they make than for what they're wearing, saying, or watching. The shift in scrutiny, away from what makes a girl popular and on to what makes her a good player or writer or horseback rider or babysitter, can make the difference. So get your daughter on a team or in a club, on the school newspaper or in an afterschool writing workshop. Get her singing, dancing, throwing pottery, tumbling, volunteering: get her with other people who are disconnected from her social misfortune.

Be thoughtful: don't put your kid on the soccer team if she's got two left feet or in a gymnastics class with a razor-sharp power clique. Take the social temperature before you enroll her by talking to the adult in charge or to other parents. Set your child up to succeed, or at least blend in and enjoy herself.

Activities are exciting gateways to finding a childhood passion, and like falling in love, passion often makes the rest of life bearable. I know that no matter how bad my day was, once I got on the basketball court, it was pure focus and meditation. Nothing could touch me.

speaking truth to power: raising a courageous bystander
girl

Your daughter lives in a peer culture with its own rules and rituals. As a parent, you can still communicate your family's values relative to that culture, regardless of your ability to change it. Your voice and perspective matter, even as your daughter may roll her eyes or inform you that you are clueless. It's her job to do that, just as it's yours to persist in telling her what's right. By questioning the terms of her social world, you introduce her to the possibility that its rules are neither right nor permanent. You give her words and permission to question it herself.

Ask your daughter if she has ever watched her friends do something that she felt guilty about, but did not challenge. Why didn't she? Let her speak and try not to judge. If you listen, she will likely say that she feared the consequences. It can be social suicide to question a peer with power. As a result, most kids don't stop bullying or aggression. They fear for themselves.

You can be sensitive to this. You should be. Would you, back in the day, have stood up to bullies in your social network? Hindsight may be 20/20, but it's not fair to relive those moments in childhood with what you know today. Keeping in mind how torn she may feel, speak with your daughter about what it means to resist silence and defend someone with less power. There are many examples in history and even today's headlines where men and women fight injustice against all odds. Point out that bystanders are everywhere: every day, moments crop up where individuals stand up and protect others.

If you can remember your own experiences as a child, share them. Can you remember a time when you wish you had intervened, but didn't? Talk about your regrets and what you wish you had done. Today, if you have an opportunity to model bystander behavior for your child, take it. Remind your daughter that even walking away from a bad situation takes a lot of skill and courage. But as hard as it may be to stand up and fight back, the bottom line is that no one is invisible in the face of cruelty. Remaining silent in the face of bullying, as justified as it may feel, still means playing a role.