Odd Girl Out (45 page)

Third, it is a myth that effective parenting in this area requires new, mysterious knowledge that only "techie" types possess. The same values you have been teaching your child—moderation, safety, responsibility, respect, good manners, and so on—apply to her on-line experiences. Remembering this point is vital to remaining grounded and sane while you parent through BFF 2.0. Giving up is not an option. Think about it this way: if you did not fully understand something your child was dealing with in the real world, you would not surrender to your own confusion.

Of course, not everything is the same in the virtual world, and some knowledge of social media will always be useful. But parenting is fundamentally about socializing a child: modeling and promoting healthy habits that help her thrive in the world outside your home. In this section, I outline how basic parental values carry over to the virtual world, and I also offer strategies to help your daughter navigate the dangers of cyberbullying and aggression. Please note that I do not explore the issues raised by predators, pornography, or other challenges posed by technology.

Set the example.
Children learn to say please and thank you because we tell them to and because we do it ourselves. Likewise, they learn to check their phones at meals and in the middle of conversations because we do it, too. I once taught a class where fifth-grade girls practiced asking a friend to put down her phone and pay attention. One girl raised her hand to suggest a strategy. "When my mom is too busy on her phone," she told the class, "this is what I do." The evidence is everywhere: sporting events where parents sit enraptured with their gadgets, parents who overdisclose on Facebook or who cannot resist texting while they drive. Clearly, kids are not the only ones who need to upgrade their technology etiquette. Your influence as a role model continues in the virtual realm. It is hard, not to mention hypocritical, to ask your children to adopt healthy technology habits at home if you have not embraced them yourself.

Be the parent.
There is no easy time to be a parent, but the twenty-first century has ushered in unique dilemmas. The onslaught of new media and gadgetry has confounded many. On top of this, with parents working harder than ever, there is less and less time to talk about the challenges of raising children. Kids exploit this isolation shrewdly. They tell their parents they will be losers, left out or worse, if they do not keep up with the latest technology privilege or gadget. Parents, fearful that their children's predictions are real, or simply wanting to avoid World War Three during precious family time, oblige. They go against their gut desire to protect their kids in favor of keeping the peace and helping their kids keep up.

When I travel around the country, I am taken aside by women who identify themselves to me as "mean moms," or parents who say "no." This is a troubling sign of the times. If using your authority is equated with meanness, then being a limit-setting parent is seen as marginal or deviant. I will not waste time in telling you that being "mean" is exactly what you need to be. In fact, if your daughter approves of your technology policy, you're probably doing something wrong. A sweeping statement, yes, but kids need limits on technology use, period.

I ask parents who struggle with not wanting to be "mean" two questions. First, can you remember the most permissive parents you knew growing up? How did you feel about them when you were a kid? What do you think about them today, as a parent? The permissive parents were probably heaven to your kid brain, but dangerous in the more evolved one you have as a parent.

Here's the second question: What is one thing your parents made you do, or forbade you from doing, that drove you nuts at the time but which you now see was exactly what you needed? Perhaps it was a family dinner on a certain night, or making you stick with playing an instrument. The point of these questions is to show that kids can't be behind the wheel on these issues. A girl's knowledge of technology does not mean she has the authority to define the terms of use. What she thinks is right—eating cupcakes for dinner, staying up all night, wearing a skirt that is more like a headband—is not necessarily going to be right for her. That is the challenge of parenting: setting limits and saying no, not because you will be thanked for it, but because it is what they need in the long term. The payoff comes later.

Getting told "no" and "not yet" is part of growing up, and some things are simply not negotiable. Anything plugged in or networked is included in this constellation of letdowns. Conflict—and there is plenty on this subject—is itself a form of connection, a way you communicate your love for your child. You hold the line because you care.

Define the use of technology as a privilege.
Like being able to stay up late, drive a car, or go out alone with friends, the use of technology is a privilege that must be earned—and one that can be taken away when it is abused. The award of a privilege is usually based on a contract you have with your child. For example, in order to stay up late, she needs to maintain her GPA. To drive a car, she must obey the speed limit and special laws for minors. To go out alone with friends, she must call you and let you know where she is going, or if her location changes.

To use social media, your daughter must also abide by a contract to be safe, responsible, and ethical online.
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It is up to you to communicate it. Rosalind Wiseman has a fantastic script for this:

Technology can be really fun to use and it gives us incredible ac- cess to the world. But it is a privilege, not a right. And because it is a privilege, you have a responsibility to use it ethically. What using technology ethically looks like to me is that you never use it to humiliate, embarrass, send personal information, misrepresent yourself or someone else, use passwords without the person's permission, share embarrassing information or pictures of other people, put someone down (elementary school), or compromise yourself by sending pictures of you naked, half naked, in your bra (junior high/high school). Remember that it is so easy for things to get out of control. You know it. I know it. So I reserve the right to check your online life, from texting to your Facebook page. If I see that you are violating the terms of our agreement, I will take all of your technology away until you can earn my trust back. This is my unbreakable, unshakeable law.
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Some parents elect to have their children sign a written contract outlining their obligations. Samples of ethical-use contracts are widely available online. However you decide to do it, the conversation is essential. If you have not had it with your own kids yet, it is perfectly fine to apologize for not doing it sooner, and even to acknowledge that you are still figuring out how to do the right thing as a parent. The bottom line is that you should never assume your child just "knows" how to act online, and she should know that her access depends on how she handles it.

Give age-appropriate access.
Most parents award privileges gradually, as a child is able to handle them. This is never more appropriate than in the realm of technology. Giving a fifth grader an iPhone is not a sign of your affection as a parent. Her first cell phone should be able to call her family or 911. It should neither text nor take photographs. You can roll out more privileges as she demonstrates her ability to use her phone safely and responsibly.

Keep in mind that a cell phone is a computer, not a cell phone.
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Most girls use their telephones to text far more often than speak. They also use phones to take and send photographs, and log on to the Internet. Parents who give their children cell phones often do not appreciate the range of options they give kids to interact. Make sure you understand what your child's phone can do, and talk to your phone company about how to supervise her use and activate age-appropriate restrictions.

Elementary-school girls do not need computers (or televisions, for that matter) in their bedrooms, nor should they, or middle-school girls, ever be on Facebook. I recognize that it is now considered "normal" for middle-school girls to have a Facebook account, but that certainly does not mean it's appropriate. It is no coincidence that bullying peaks between the ages of ten and thirteen; self-consciousness, insecurity, and an inexorable desire to fit in (along with the crippling fear that you might not) are pervasive. As I show in chapter four, sites like Facebook can make girls feel they fit in, but they also inspire intense feelings of anxiety and insecurity, not to mention online conflicts that quickly spin out of control.

If your elementary or middle-school girl is already on Facebook, increased supervision is essential. You should have her password, be her Facebook friend, and check her page once a week. If she appears inactive, she may have a private page she is hiding from you. Keep in mind that middle school (and early high school, for that matter) is a period where extra parental vigilance around social media is crucial.

Set limits.
When young people have carte blanche access to electronic devices, they are more likely to get involved in drama and look at content they shouldn't see. Saying no to tech use is one of the biggest wars you may have as a parent. While it's true you have to pick your battles, this is one fight worth having.

Parents who do not permit their children to watch, eat, or wear anything they want need only extend this healthy sense of moderation to technology use. It may help to stop thinking about this world as "technology," which can seem intimidating and foreign. Instead, call what girls are doing online and with their phones "social media." In fact, social media is no different from the other media in your daughter's life that you have long regulated: you have overseen her gradual access to certain books, television shows, movies, and magazines. The same incremental approach applies with social media. Access to social media and its toys must be given gradually. It must be
earned.
And if it is not used appropriately, there must be consequences.

Of course, there is one major difference between social media and, say, watching a television show. Unlike the one-sided act of watching something, a child uses social media to connect with other people. In some ways, it is the difference between playing soccer and riding a horse. You can kick a soccer ball as many times as you want without regard for the ball. When you ride a horse, you must always be sensitive to the creature you are sitting on and working with. It is a relationship. The same is true of social media. Being allowed to use a device or website can never be a simple "yes" or "no." As a child gets access to new privileges, it is not just to push buttons but to interact with others. There is a higher obligation to this sort of recreation, and a different measure of responsibility that must be met.

Explain your choices.
The expectation of safe, responsible, and ethical social media use should come with a clear explanation of why. It is rarely effective to set limits or say no "because I say so." Engaged parents explain to their children
why
they are saying no, in a way that respects the child as an individual who deserves to know the reasons why decisions are being made. Knowing why also gives your daughter real reasons to care about following the rules. That said, explaining your reasons for a rule does not mean it is open to negotiation. Once you have explained, you need not have the same conversation again and again. Yes, you may be the only parent who is setting these particular limits. That's okay. Your family is yours and no one else's—and this is where, finally, "because I say so" may be the last word.

To explain limits, you might say, "Too much of anything is never good. Healthy living is about balance. That's why we eat dessert occasionally, not at every meal. We try not to work all the time so we can make time for rest, or hang out with friends all the time so we have no time for ourselves. The same thing is true for our lives online. We're going to do that, too, in moderation, as part of a balanced life."

To explain your commitment to online civility, you might say, "We embrace respect as a core value in this family. Respect is the foundation of a safe, humane community—in this house, at school, at my workplace, and online. Without respect, people cannot learn, grow, or be themselves. Online, you are also a member of a community, and I expect you to be the same principled person I see you being in the real world. Every person's behavior in a community counts."

The dangers of social media are another reason to set limits on use, and these are also important to explain to girls. Internet safety expert Lori Getz is only half kidding when she advises parents to explain to teens that their brains' frontal lobes are not fully developed, rendering adolescents incapable of mature reason, logic, and impulse control.

Ongoing conversation will affirm your commitment to the limits and make them an organic part of how you parent. Use one of the many embarrassing electronic situations celebrities fall prey to as an opportunity to talk about the perils of social media. You can also start a conversation with your daughter about the way people act on-line, and don't forget to talk about what she loves about social media! Ask her how fast she can text or finger type. Have fun with it. Here are some excellent conversation starters:

• "What is your favorite thing about [choose a form of social media you know she loves]?"
  
• "Do you think people act online the same way they act in real life?"
  
• "Why are people more inclined to be mean or rude online?"
  
• "Technology can bring friends closer together. Can it also make you more insecure in your friendships?"
  
• "Does technology cause misunderstandings?"
  
• "Would your friendships be better or worse without technology?"
  

 

Once you have had these conversations, it is easier to introduce restrictions. Below are some ideas for keeping technology use moderate in your home.

Keep the computer in a public place.
This practice creates natural limits on use. It allows for some degree of privacy while making sure you are close enough to know what's going on. Although it becomes more challenging as kids get older, no elementary-school child needs a laptop in her room. If you approach your child while she is online and she minimizes the screen, she may be doing something inappropriate. You are absolutely entitled to ask her to show you the screen.