Odd Girl Out (43 page)

Silence is not the only option when your daughter witnesses something that makes her uncomfortable. If she feels helpless or confused, she can change the subject, make a joke, or walk away. She might say, "You might not mean to be hurting this person, but you are." If she wants to, practice these strategies by role-playing. Remind her of the power of two; explain that if she can find one other person in her group to stand with her, the bully is likely to stop.
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Telling an adult is also a way to support a target without having to take the heat yourself. Make sure your daughter knows the difference between "telling" and "tattling." Tattling is about trying to get someone in trouble. Telling, on the other hand, is about getting someone help. Reporting a situation where someone is unsafe means you're following the rules of your school and community. It is also your ethical obligation as a human being.

When it comes to talking with girls about standing up for others, there is one exception: ganging up, or alliance building. Conflicts among girls are often settled according to loyalties; "hating who she hates" can be interpreted by a girl as standing up for someone. In fact, this kind of behavior makes conflicts much harder to resolve and thrusts girls into drama that has nothing to do with them. It cloaks aggressive behavior in the mantle of loyalty, suggesting a true friend sticks up for you by going after someone else.

 

dads

Each year I address thousands of parents in cities and towns all over America. Not surprisingly, most of the auditorium seats are filled by women. Some dads come, sure, but most of them defer to moms when it comes to "girl stuff."

This is a mistake. A dad's unique perspective can be exactly what a girl needs. It is precisely a man's distance from the ins and outs of a girl's social universe that make him the perfect wingman in the jungle. As I have shown, many mothers are triggered by their daughters' experiences because of their own histories. The emotional response can, at times, be limiting. Some fathers, on the other hand, may find girls' social universe unfamiliar and somewhat less threatening. Their perspective can be refreshingly different.

Many fathers question girls' avoidance of conflict, the tendency to hold a grudge, and taking problems too personally. As frustrating as these insights may sometimes be for girls ("Daaaaad! You so don't get it!"), it's a respected voice with a different perspective. Whether or not your daughter agrees with or buys into your opinions, especially during the eye-rolling years, should never be a reason to remain silent.

 

what if my daughter is the bully?

There is a small group of parents who attend my presentations, whose hands creep up gingerly toward the end of my Q & A. Their voices are halting and sheepish. "What if," they ask me, "your daughter is the mean one?" I can see the other heads swivel, craning to see who these brave souls are.

Everyone has a daughter who has been the "mean one"—yes, even you. As I showed in chapter six, we all have the capacity for aggression. And I have yet to meet a girl who has not done something she is sorry about. You are not a bad parent if your daughter is a bully or aggressor. In fact, the courage to admit your daughter's capacity for aggression is exactly what you need to parent well through this period. Give yourself a pat on the back for even owning up to this.

A parent's insistence that her daughter would never be rude or mean to another child may actually end up making her rude or mean to another child. Research shows that when parents ignore alternative aggression, their children are more likely to engage in it. It makes perfect sense: when parents do not discourage the behavior, girls are free to act that way to get what they want.

For example, many preschool girls use relational aggression constantly. They disinvite their parents from birthday parties or say they "won't love you anymore" when they are upset. When girls threaten to withdraw friendship, even at the age of three, it is the equivalent of biting or kicking. When the behavior is not disciplined, the child learns it is an acceptable strategy to get what she wants or express negative feelings.
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Parents may not take alternative aggressions seriously because, like their daughters, they live in a culture that has defined the behavior as a rite of passage or "girls being girls." Others simply do not want to see anything "wrong" in their children.

Many parents are stumped by how to deal with their daughters' psychological aggression at home. The answers are closer than you think. Begin by taking stock of how you respond to more obvious or conventional acts of aggression, like hitting or name-calling. Without being conscious of it, you probably use a protocol for disciplining your daughter: perhaps you tell her to stop, explain why she shouldn't do it, foster empathy for the target, and name some consequences. You'll need a similar intervention plan for the behavior that challenges you now.

When you observe your daughter engaging in alternative aggressions, activate your protocol. As an example, imagine a girl who rolls her eyes at her sister and ignores her at dinner. Here's how you could handle it:

"Jennifer, it is not okay for you to ignore your sister." (Stop the behavior.)

"Ignoring someone is not an appropriate way to express yourself when you are upset. And when you roll your eyes, you're sending a nasty message, even if you're not speaking." (Name the behavior.)

"How do you think your sister feels when she tries to speak to you and you pretend she's not there?" (Foster empathy for the target.)

"You need to find another way to express yourself. Even if you're angry, I expect you to be respectful toward your sister and acknowledge her." (Suggest an alternative.)

"If you can't change the way you're acting right now, you will have to eat dinner later or in your room." (Create a consequence.)

"I know you're capable of more than this." (Communicate positive expectations.)

If the phone rings and it's your daughter's school calling with news that she has been involved in bullying, get all the information you can. Do not inform the caller that your daughter "would never do" what they are calling to inform you she did. Do not downplay or interpret the incident as "kids being kids"; if the school took the time to call you, it's likely more than that. Instead, apologize and thank the school for calling.

Ask your daughter, who may have beaten the school to the punch with her own story, to respond to the school's description of her behavior. If she patently denies it, let her know that you will follow up either way. If there is evidence of her guilt, tell her she will be punished more severely for lying to you. Give her another chance to revise her story. Ask her what the other person would say if she was asked to tell her side of the story. Refusing to "let it go" is not about signaling distrust of your daughter. It sends a larger message to her that you are vigilant about her behavior toward others. It also affirms your respect for her school's authority.

Call the school for an appointment if possible. It is always better to speak face to face about these issues than by phone. Do not begin e-mail correspondence on the subject. Electronic conversation about any sensitive matter can be easily misinterpreted.

Perhaps you are not sure if your daughter is acting aggressively at all. It's not easy, but there are ways to find out. First, just ask: talk to her school counselor, teachers, coaches, and other adults who see her in different contexts. Let them know you are sincerely open to their feedback. Second, start hanging around your daughter when she's with her friends. If they are in the kitchen, do the dishes quietly. If they are watching TV, straighten up the room. Drive carpool: kids have this weird ability to forget an adult is driving them, and they will say all kinds of things in the back seat. I once met a mother who asked me if it was okay to slam on the brakes when she heard her daughter and her friends sniping about their peers. I said it was at least a start.

Joking aside, you are entitled to let the girls who sit in your car or eat in your home know how you feel about gossip and other aggressive behavior. Be sparing, though: your daughter's embarrassment could derail the teachable moment. Save your strongest feelings for a private time with her.

 

when it isn't bullying

Is every time a child feels socially rejected a moment of victimization? What makes a girl the "odd girl out"?

In a world without bullying, there will always be exclusion. Exclusion will happen naturally as relationships grow more intimate. Exclusion does not necessarily constitute bullying, even when we account for alternative aggressions. It would be wrong to read this book as an argument against exclusion.

Every case of exclusion is as unique as the child in question and must be evaluated on its own terms. If a child is being left out here and there, or from a certain group, then she is being left out here and there, or from a certain group—nothing more and nothing less. If she is failing to forge close relationships with others, it bears further investigation before deciding she's been bullied. If her exclusion bothers her or her parents, interrogate the disappointment. The desire to see a child become popular can color the way we view her social universe, can make the everyday rise and fall of friendship look like something else. If the child needs help with social skills, she should get it, but it's not other children's responsibility to compensate for what another girl lacks.

That girls sometimes use relationship as a weapon does not mean that every time a relationship is not offered, the girl is behaving aggressively. We must distinguish between intentional acts of meanness and the reality of children's social order. Like exclusion, popularity will outlast us all, and to cry foul at it will only make a parent appear overinvested and ignorant.

To expect girls to play nice with everyone, despite what they may really want, is to enforce upon them precisely what we are trying to stop: a "tyranny of the nice and kind"
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that will stifle girls' voices, shuttle them into idealized, alienating relationships, and impress upon them the belief that their own needs should be subverted to others' at any cost. A common situation is one girl who silently trails after another, copying her behavior and appearance as though to absorb by osmosis what she is unable to take independently for herself. The followed girl is annoyed and embarrassed. Is she obligated to spend time with the follower, who has done nothing but hover quietly? I don't think so.

Only when a child has been shunned by most of her peers or suddenly dropped by the friends she once had does exclusion look less like social ordering and more like relational aggression. And even then, discipline may not be appropriate. This isn't to say that when one child lets go of a friendship with another to get popular, she isn't being mean. She is. But could someone have "made" me talk to Anne? Probably not. There will always be cases where we have to let girls negotiate their own social lives. What we can do is provide them with as much emotional support as possible, and let them know that life will get easier.

"I'd love to hear my daughter come up with some really strong responses," one mother told me. "I don't want to see her be weak. We want our children to be stronger than we were." In spite of this, most parents find themselves at the doorstep of the age-old question, At what point do we let our children fight their own battles, and when is it time to intervene? I always tell parents to trust their gut. If after a few days of unrest your daughter's behavior begins to change—if her eating and sleeping patterns shift, if she grows quiet, if the phone stops ringing or vibrating—something is wrong and she needs you. When parents ask me what the right thing is to do, I ask them to imagine doing nothing at all: Is the school aware of what is happening? Will someone there step in when things go too far? Does the school take these behaviors seriously?

The hidden culture of girls' aggression subsists on silence and isolation. As Mary Pipher has written, "We need to politicize, not pathologize, families." Part of this means that in order to fight the forces that prey on children outside our homes, we must first step forward to publicly acknowledge our questions and fears within them. For it is not just the girls who think they are suffering alone when they are bullied. So do parents. When families don't talk, parents can't learn from one another and it becomes easier to blame themselves for their children's problems. Blaming parents means we focus less on our daughters' peer cultures. It prevents us from realizing collectively as a society that there are systemic and social patterns to be resisted and corrected.

 

for girls especially (but not only):
everyday truth telling and conflict

Girls have a critical role to play in changing the culture of their cliques and friendships. After all, most of us hate this way of life. I can't count the number of girls who told me they'd rather be beaten up than ignored or cut down spiritually by their peers. We need to abandon the belief that doing this is natural or unavoidable. It isn't. We can change.

It's like riding in the passenger seat of a car when you're young. You hardly ever pay attention to what the driver's doing. You don't have to. But one day, you get your learner's permit and switch seats. You're going all the same routes, only this time you have to relearn each part of the way. All the turns someone made for you, you now have to make yourself. You have to make sure the wheels don't jump the curb, that you come to a complete stop, that you check your blind spot.

It's the same thing with our relationships: we have to get in the driver's seats and relearn healthier ways of taking the twists and turns. We don't have to give in to the autopilot urge to tell someone else we're angry instead of the person who made us angry in the first place.

The biggest reason we don't talk to each other is because we're afraid we'll lose the friendship with the person we're confronting, or worse, that the person we're talking to will turn everyone against us. The fear throws up a wall that prevents us from speaking our hearts and minds to each other. As we also know, it also leads to a ton of gossip, rumor spreading, and resentment that mushroom into other kinds of nastiness.