Odd Girl Out (50 page)

Some questions to get the ball rolling are, "What do you need, from me and each other, in order to feel safe and respected in this classroom?"
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You might also ask, "What are some ways that people can be disrespectful toward each other during class? What about before and after class?" Put students into small groups and ask them to create their own suggestions for how the class should conduct itself. Then, bring them together as a large group to hammer out the final contract. When it's done, create a poster of the contract and have every student sign it. When rules are broken, remind students this was a contract written by them, not you.

Create a prosocial classroom culture.
Develop classroom rituals that give students opportunities to be kind to each other. For example, establish a hand signal students can use to silently offer agreement or support during class discussion. Have students give "snaps" to each other when someone answers a tough question or takes a risk. This is not about making each student feel "special," a trend that has seen its rightful share of skepticism in recent years. Rather, it is a way to set a classroom tone of community and kindness, modeled by the teacher and made rewarding for students.

Maggie Bittel, a veteran elementary-school teacher, taught her students to offer each other a "put-up"
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(as opposed to "put-down"), a way to recognize someone's good character or personality. She began by giving the group detailed put-ups when they worked together well. Then she had students give themselves put-ups by creating a collage of characteristics or skills they admired in themselves. The class talked about the difference between bragging and knowing something good about yourself, and they discussed the difference between complimenting an external or internal quality of a peer.

Bittel read aloud from books with characters who had low self-esteem, and she asked students to reflect on the feeling of being lifted by another person when you feel sad. Finally, she made each student in the class responsible for noticing a teacher or peer for a full day. At the end of the day, with permission from the observed and the observer, students shared what they noticed in a card they wrote. Sometimes the assigned person was a secret; at other times everyone knew who was observing them. Finally, Bittel created a put-up wall in her classroom, where students could (with Bittel's permission) post a putouT up they wrote about peers. Bittel intervened and gently encouraged students to notice those with fewer put-ups on the wall.

In high schools, where classroom size and stress mushroom, it is especially easy to ignore student wellness. Alyssa Yff, a social studies teacher in Raleigh, North Carolina, makes it a priority. She asks each student to complete a "History of Me" project, which integrates methods and precepts of history with social-emotional learning. During each student's presentation, Yff praises student creativity and celebrates differences. She posts the projects for the rest of the semester and refers to them if students disagree or "don't all have the same opinion."

Yff believes it is vital for educators to get to know each student personally. She invites hers to lunch, attends sporting and fine arts events, encourages students to stay after school, and makes herself accessible. "When kids trust you they will come to you," she said. "You have to nurture them both socially and academically, listen and not just hear, always role-model positive behavior, and create a safe atmosphere." Yff understands that her students will not learn if they don't feel safe, and that respect is a two-way street. When a student answers a question wrong and others laugh, she will say, "Okay, I see how you got that." By creating a foundation for an emotionally safe learning environment, Yff's students can experiment with new ideas.

Develop a body language glossary.
Vigilance toward aggressive body language is important for social and academic safety. Angry glares or knowing looks can make a student feel anxious and threatened when she should be focusing on the lesson. In middle and high school, getting an answer wrong or expressing a strong opinion can be met with snickering or eye rolling. When such a pattern takes shape in a classroom culture, students take fewer intellectual risks. A sense that self-expression is not safe, or is circumscribed by unwritten rules set by a few aggressive students, can diminish a classroom's effectiveness.

It is always better to address the issue before it becomes a problem. Spend twenty minutes in your classroom asking students to come up with a list of ways kids can disrespect each other without speaking. Explain that even when we stop speaking, our body still communicates; like a muted television with captions, there are captions to our gestures. Have students make a list of gestures and, alongside each, the "caption" of what each gesture means:

Mean look—"I hate you."

Eye rolling—"You are annoying." "You are stupid."

Laughing—"You're an idiot." "I can't believe you just said that."

Silent treatment—"You're not worth my time."

Whispering and staring—"We're talking about you right now."
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Some of the named gestures may not be relevant to the classroom. That's okay. The point is for students to own what their bodies are saying. When you weigh in on this issue during class time, you send the message that not only are you not clueless, you take the safety of your students seriously.

Define gossip and rumors as a form of violence.
In a culture that has minimized psychological aggression, students need to understand explicitly that inflicting damage on a peer's relationships is a form of violence. One of the most common ways this harm occurs is through everyday gossip and rumors. Teach your students the connection between gossip and rumors and the loss of relationship. Explain that gossip has a ripple effect, and that what may begin as something between two people spreads until the target is excluded or harassed by others as a result.

To illustrate this process, draw three concentric circles on the board. In the smallest circle, write some fictional gossip, such as "Did you hear what she did at the party?" Ask students to imagine two people having the conversation, and then ask them to consider what realistically happens next. Fill in their response in the second circle. Continue on and add larger circles if need be, until you reach the point where the target of gossip suffers a loss or damage to her relationships.

The point of this exercise is to be clear that gossip and rumors are more than words. It's not just that calling someone a slut or gay hurts them personally; it's that the words cause others to mistreat the target. Perhaps peers will look at the person strangely, whisper and stare, harass them online, stop speaking to them, or insult them directly. All of this happens because two people, in that smallest circle, begin to talk. Bullying and aggression are not always direct.

Be the teacher who "gets it
" As a teacher I was taught that even when under the gun, taking five minutes to play a game that focuses stressed or tired students can make the remainder of the class more effective, even if you lose valuable teaching time. Likewise, taking time to talk with students about their social culture fosters the safety and community your class needs to thrive. There are three conversations I have found successful with students. The first explores our social obligations to each other, and the exchange allows students to talk about norms for dealing with social challenges:

Does every girl (or student) have to be friends with every other girl here? Is that a good or bad thing?

What does respect mean to you?

What does respect look like in the cafeteria? How should you act if someone sits down next to you who is not your friend?

How do people really act?

What does respect look like in class?

What should you do if you hear someone talking about your friend behind her back? Is it better to tell her?

What is the best way to have a conflict with someone?

What should you do if you are bullied?

The second conversation focuses on psychological aggression and the behaviors that often go unnoticed by adults:

Are there differences between the ways girls hurt each other and the ways guys do? (List the behaviors and similarities.)

How can people be hurtful without speaking?

What percentage of the time when girls (or people) say they are just kidding do you really think they are just kidding? If your number was low, why?

When someone says "no offense, but," what kinds of statements come next? What is your opinion of the way people use that phrase?

What gives girls power and status? What do you think about that?

How can friends hurt each other? How is that different from being hurt by someone you don't know that well?

How do people hurt each other electronically?

Would your friendships be easier or harder without technology?

The third conversation measures students' insights about bullying.
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How often do students report bullying?

How do students feel about bullying?

How responsive are adults to bullying at school?

What are the places where bullying or aggression is most likely to occur at school?

How do students feel about the reliability of classmates intervening?

In North Carolina, a high-school teacher asks these questions via e-mail or the website Survey Monkey. She randomly surveys her students with questions such as "Is this a safe environment? How am I doing? What can I do?" Students can e-mail her privately or answer the survey anonymously.

It is still remarkable to me how many girls believe adults are clueless when it comes to girl drama. Do not underestimate the power of devoting "official" class time to these issues. In doing so, you send the message that you are a teacher who "gets it." Take the time, at the end of these discussions, to let students know you are available to talk, or direct them to the individual who is.

Some educators open the channel by asking students to e-mail their concerns, or by placing a "suggestion box" where students can anonymously report problems. E-mail is always preferable after elementary school. Julia Taylor, the high-school counselor, advises educators to introduce the option by saying, "If you do not feel emotionally safe in my classroom, or you need help, e-mail me. I promise to keep what you write confidential unless you're in danger of harming yourself. We can talk about it and come up with strategies to help you deal. Don't spend thirty-six weeks in my class feeling like you're not safe." This approach can be effective as long as students who are "nominated" as bullies or aggressors are carefully investigated. Some students go after peers by falsely claiming they were hurt or attacked. To avoid this situation, seek different perspectives on an accused student and do not jump to conclusions.

Be a sounding board.
When girls are young, it is much easier to intervene successfully in their social crises. Moments of glory are far more rare for middle and high-school educators. Adolescence brings a tangle of relationship problems and conflicts that are not easily repaired. As a teacher, being the sounding board who listens, brainstorms, and empathizes can make the most lasting and immediate impact. What most teens want is to be seen and heard for who they are. They also want to know that life is not completely out of their control.

The GIRL decision-making tool I introduced to parents in chapter ten is an excellent strategy to use with struggling adolescents. GIRL helps students sort through their options for dealing with a social problem so they can identify the most effective strategy. In some ways, GIRL can be used even more effectively by educators because they are usually more dispassionate than parents. As you work with the student, you help her take charge of finding a solution and let her know you care. These are nourishing moments for a student who is suffering.

Set limits with parents.
It is not a failure on your part to ask an administrator to join you in a meeting with a parent. Know when to ask for help. Having another person in the room, especially one senior to you, will underscore your authority to the parent and provide you with support in case the conversation goes south. It also gives you a witness. Be wary of parents who try to question your version of events, and do not second-guess yourself. Although parental denial is well intentioned, and usually stems from a desire to protect kids, trust yourself and stay the course.

Know, too, when to end a conversation. If you feel disrespected, unsafe, or uncomfortable, you are entitled to say, "I think it would be best if we ended this conversation for now and talked again at another time. I'm not comfortable with the tone of this discussion and I think we should take a break. Let's reconnect tomorrow." Your job description does not include service as a punching bag.
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Evaluate the example you set.
After my workshops for educators, I am often taken aside by a teacher or two. "You know that assembly on bullying that you just gave to the students?" they ask. "You should be giving it to the educators." We laugh a bit, but the point is serious: educators are not exempt from aggression, and their behavior can swiftly undermine a school's message of kindness and respect. Educators can form exclusive cliques, gossip about colleagues, and reject newcomers outright. Some of this behavior is easily observed and overheard by students. A colleague at a school where I once taught advised me that it was okay to break a school rule after the principal had walked by the room, because she was so uptight. We were standing in front of twenty ninth-grade girls at the time.