Odd Girl Out (53 page)

37. Racial disparity has grown significantly in recent years. According to the Kaiser Family Foundation, black and Hispanic children consume nearly 4.5 hours more media daily than white children. While the largest difference is in television viewing, there is less of a gap in computer and phone use. In 2009 white youth texted for an average of 1:22 a day, while black and Hispanic youth texted an average of 2:03 and 1:42, respectively.

38.
Teens, Cell Phones, and Texting.
Pew Internet and American Life Project (April 21, 2010).

39. Girl Scout Research Institute,
Who's That Girl
study (2010).

40. Girl Scout Research Institute,
Who's That Girl
study (2010).

41. This conversation has been published as it was delivered to me. Typos and other errors were in the original exchange.

42. National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy,
Sex and Tech: Results from a Survey of Teens and Young Adults
(Washington, DC: The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 2009). Two surveys in 2009 (by MTV and Cox Communications) found only 10 percent and 9 percent of teens, respectively, had sexted.

43. See Sharon Lamb,
The Secret Lives of Girls: What Good Girls Really Do—Sex Play, Aggression, and Their Guilt
(New York: Free Press, 2002).

44. Obviously, the sample of girls who submit requests for advice is not random. Girls who are looking for advice may already be struggling with insecurity.

45. According to the report, the complete definition of sexualization is when a person's value comes only from his or her sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics; a person is held to a standard that equates physical attractiveness (narrowly defined) with being sexy; a person is sexually objectified—that is, made into a thing for others' sexual use, rather than seen as a person with the capacity for independent action and decision making; and/or sexuality is inappropriately imposed upon a person.

46. APA Study (link
www.apa.org/pi/women/programs/girls/report.aspx
). Report of the APA Task force on the Sexualization of Girls (Washington, DC: American Psychological Association, 2007).

47. For example, see Jean Kilbourne,
Deadly Persuasion: Why Women and Girls Must Fight the Addictive Power of Advertising
(New York: Free Press, 1999); Deborah L. Tolman and Elizabeth Debold, "Conflicts of Body and Image: Female Adolescents, Desire, and the No-Body Body," in
Feminist Perspectives on Eating Disorders,
eds. Melanie Katzman, Patricia Fallon, and S. Wooley (New York: Guilford Press, 1994).

48. Peggy Orenstein,
Schoolgirls.

49. Patrick Welsh, "Bully-Boy Focus Overlooks Vicious Acts by Girls,"
USA Today,
12 June 2001, sec. A, p. 15.

50. Elizabeth Wurtzel,
Bitch: In Praise of Difficult Women
(New York: Doubleday, 1998).

51. A welcome exception to this rule appears to be athletics, where com- ODD petition among girls is embraced and encouraged. However, the freedom to compete openly has yet to move off the field.

52. Lyn Mikel Brown,
Raising Their Voices: The Politics of Girls' Anger
(Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1998).

53. Deborah L. Tolman, "Daring to Desire," in
Sexual Cultures and the Construction of Adolescent Identities,
ed. Janice Irvine (Philadelphia: Temple University Press, 1994).

54. Mimi Nichter and Nancy Vuckovic, "Fat Talk: Body Image among Adolescent Girls," in
Many Mirrors: Body Image and Social Relations,
ed. Nicole Sault (New Brunswick, NJ: Rutgers University Press, 1994).

55. Jill McLean Taylor, Carol Gilligan, and Amy M. Sullivan,
Between Voice and Silence: Women and Girls, Race and Relationship
(Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1995).

56. Nicki R. Crick, et al., "Childhood Aggression and Gender."

57. Perhaps this is because the memory of being victimized buffered these speakers against the feelings that may have deterred others from telling their stories.

58. Adrienne Rich, "From Women and Honor: Some Notes on Lying."

59. Wiseman's Empower Program group in Washington, DC, works to end violence of all kinds between teenagers, and her "Owning Up" curriculum can be found at
www.empowered.org
.

60. Lyn Mikel Brown and Carol Gilligan,
Meeting at the Crossroads.

61. Patricia A. Adler and Peter Adler,
Peer Power.

62. Carolyn G. Heilbrun,
Writing a Woman's Life
(New York: Ballantine, 1988).

63. Lyn Mikel Brown and Carol Gilligan,
Meeting at the Crossroads.

64. Ibid.

65. American Association of University Women,
Shortchanging Girls, Shortchanging America: A Call to Action
(Washington, DC: American Association of University Women, 1991).

66. Niobe Way, "Between Experiences of Betrayal and Desire," in
Urban Girls: Resisting Stereotypes, Creating Identities,
ed. Bonnie J. Ross Leadbeater and Niobe Way (New York: New York University Press, 1996).

67. bell hooks,
Bone Black: Memories of Girlhood
(New York: Henry Holt & Co., 1996).

68. Dorothy Allison,
Two or Three Things I Know for Sure
(New York: Dutton, 1995).

69. Lyn Mikel Brown,
Raising Their Voices.

70. Jill McLean Taylor, Carol Gilligan, and Amy M. Sullivan,
Between Voice and Silence.

71. Janie Victoria Ward, "Raising Resisters: The Role of Truth Telling in the Psychological Development of African-American Girls," in
Urban Girls: Resisting Stereotypes, Creating Identities,
ed. Bonnie J. Ross Leadbeater and Niobe Way (New York: New York University Press, 1996).

72. Ibid.

73. Patricia Hill Collins, "The Meaning of Motherhood in Black Culture and Black Mother-Daughter Relationships," in
Double Stitch: Black Women Write about Mothers and Daughters,
ed. Patricia Bell-Scott, et al. (Boston: Beacon Press, 1991).

74. Lyn Mikel Brown and Carol Gilligan,
Meeting at the Crossroads.

75. Jill McLean Taylor, Carol Gilligan, and Amy M. Sullivan,
Between Voice and Silence.

76. Tracy Robinson and Janie Victoria Ward, "'A Belief in Self Far Greater Than Anyone's Disbelief': Cultivating Resistance among African American Female Adolescents," in
Women, Girls, and Psychotherapy: Reframing Resistance,
ed. Carol Gilligan, Annie Rogers, and Deborah Tolman (New York: Harrington Park Press, 1991).

77. Ena Vazquez-Nuttall, Zoila Avila-Vivas, and Gisela Morales-Barreto, "Working with Latin American Families," in
Family Therapy with School Related Problems,
ed. James Hansen and Barbara Okun (Rockville, MD: Aspen Systems Corp., 1984).

78. Janie Victoria Ward, "Raising Resisters: The Role of Truth Telling in the Psychological Development of African-American Girls."

79. Jill McLean Taylor, Carol Gilligan, and Amy M. Sullivan,
Between Voice and Silence.

80. Madeline Levine,
The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids
(New York: HarperCollins, 2006).

81. Rosalind Wiseman and Elizabeth Rapoport,
Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads: Dealing with the Difficult Parents in Your Child's Life
(New York: Three Rivers Press, 2007).

82. An article by Judith Jordan was particularly helpful to me on this point. J. V. Jordan, "Relational Resilience," No. 57. Stone Center for Developmental Services and Studies, Wellesley, MA, 1992.

83. Consult the work of Stan Davis for more information on how to empower your child as a bystander, especially
Empowering Bystanders in Bullying Prevention
(Champaign, IL: Research Press, 2007).

84. N. E. Werner, S. Senich, and K. Przepyszny, "Mothers' responses to preschoolers' relational and physical aggression,"
Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology
27 (2006): 193–208.

85. Lyn Mikel Brown and Carol Gilligan,
Meeting at the Crossroads.

86. Internet safety expert Lori Getz uses this phrase to describe the three ODD most important values of digital citizenship.

87. Rosalind Wiseman,
Queen Bees and Wannabes
(New York: Three Rivers Press, 2009).

88. Ibid.

89. Kaiser Family Foundation, "Generation M2: Media in the Lives of 8–18 Year Olds" (January 2010).

90. Ibid.

91. Internet safety experts widely recommend this protocol.

92. I got this exercise from materials distributed by the Girl Scouts of Nassau County, New York.

93. Rosalind Wiseman,
Queen Bees and Wannabes.

94. Peggy Orenstein,
Schoolgirls.

95. Dan Olweus and Susan Limber,
Olweus Bullying Prevention Program, Schoolwide Guide
(Center City, MN: Hazelden, 2007).

96. Ibid., 59.

97. Ibid., 70.

98. Website of the Collaborative for Academic, Social and Emotional Learning (CASEL),
www.casel.org
. In addition, there are several excellent curricula that specialize in developing girls' skills in these areas. "Girl Meets World," the curriculum of the Girls Leadership Institute; "Full of Ourselves" by Lisa Sjostrom and Catherine Steiner-Adair; and GIRLS by Julia Taylor and Shannon Trice-Black (Champaign, IL: Research Press, 2007).

99. I learned about class contracts from Rosalind Wiseman,
Owning Up: Empowering Adolescents to Confront Social Cruelty, Bullying and Injustice
(Champaign, IL: Research Press, 2009).

100. Maggie Bittel is not credited with creating the term "put-up."

101. I created this exercise following a conversation with Maggie Bittel about her use of a similar glossary in her classroom.

102. Olweus and Limber,
Olweus Bullying Prevention Program, Schoolwide Guide,
pp. 34 and 37.

103. For more insight on how to talk with challenging parents, see Michael Thompson and Alison Fox Mazzola's
Understanding Independent School Parents: An NAIS Guide to Successful Family-School Relationships
(Washington, DC: National Association of Independent Schools, 2005), or
Dealing with Difficult Parents
by Todd Whitaker and Douglas Fiore (Larchmont, NY: Eye on Education, 2001).

104. Anne Campbell,
Men, Women, and Aggression.

105. Gail Evans,
Play Like a Man, Win Like a Woman
(New York: Broadway Books, 2000).

106. Neela Banerjee, "Some 'Bullies' Seek Ways to Soften Up; Toughness
Has Risks for Women Executives,"
New York Times,
10 August 2001, sec. C, p.

107. For example, see Lyn Mikel Brown and Carol Gilligan,
Meeting at the Crossroads;
Mary Pipher,
Reviving Ophelia.

108. Audre Lorde, "The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action," in
Sister Outsider: Essays and Speeches
(Trumansburg, NY: Crossing Press, 1984).

Adler, Patricia A., and Peter Adler.
Peer Power: Preadolescent Culture and Identity.
New Brunswick, NJ: Rutgers University Press, 1998.

———. "Dynamics of Inclusion and Exclusion in Preadolescent Cliques,"
Social Psychology Quarterly
58, no. 3 (1995): 145–62.

Allen, LaRue, et al. "Acculturation and Depression among Latina Urban Girls." In
Urban Girls: Resisting Stereotypes, Creating Identities,
edited by Bonnie J. Ross Leadbeater and Niobe Way. New York: New York University Press, 1996.

Allison, Dorothy.
Two or Three Things I Know for Sure.
New York: Dutton, 1995.

American Association of University Women.
Shortchanging Girls, Shortchanging America: A Call to Action.
Washington, DC: American Association of University Women, 1991.

Angier, Natalie.
Woman: An Intimate Geography.
New York: Houghton-Mifflin, 1999.

Anzaldúa, Gloria.
Borderlands—La Frontera: The New Mestiza.
San Francisco: Aunt Lute Books, 1987.

Atwood, Margaret.
Cat's Eye.
New York: Doubleday, 1988.

Banerjee, Neela. "Some 'Bullies' Seek Ways to Soften Up: Toughness Has Risks for Women Executives."
New York Times,
10 August 2001, sec. C,
[>]
.

Bell-Scott, Patricia, et al., eds.
Double Stitch: Black Women Write about Mothers and Daughters.
Boston: Beacon Press, 1991.

Bjoerkqvist, Kaj, Kirsti M. Lagerspetz, and Ari Kaukiainen. "Do Girls Manipulate and Boys Fight? Developmental Trends in Regard to Direct and Indirect Aggression."
Aggressive Behavior
18 (1992): 117–27.

Bjorkqvist, Kaj, and Pirkko Niemela, eds.
Of Mice and Women: Aspects of Female Aggression.
San Diego: Academic Press, 1992.

Borg, Mark G. "The Emotional Reaction of School Bullies and Their Victims."
Educational Psychology
18, no. 4 (1998): 433–44.

Bosworth, Kris, Dorothy L. Espelage, and Thomas R Simon. "Factors Associated With Bullying Behavior in Middle School Students."
Journal of Early Adolescence
19, no. 3 (1999): 341–62.

Brook, Judith S., Martin M. Whiteman, and Steven Finch. "Childhood Aggression, Adolescent Delinquency, and Drug Use: A Longitudinal Study."
Journal of Genetic Psychology
153, no. 4 (1992): 369–83.

Brown, Lyn Mikel.
Raising Their Voices: The Politics of Girls' Anger.
Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1998.

Brown, Lyn Mikel, and Carol Gilligan.
Meeting at the Crossroads: Women's Psychology and Girls' Development.
Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1992.

Brown, Lyn Mikel, Niobe Way, and Julia L. Duff. "The Others in My I: Adolescent Girls' Friendships and Peer Relations." In
Beyond Appearance: A New Look at Adolescent Girls,
edited by Novine G. Johnson, Michael C. Roberts, and Judith Worell. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association, 1999.

Brumberg, Joan Jacobs.
The Body Project: An Intimate History of American Girls.
New York: Vintage, 1997.