Of Body And Soul (21 page)

“
Hi Grayson. Sorry it's so late. We'll be leaving shortly. What! No, I didn't realize it was snowing. I'll call you back and let you know. Yes. I promise. Good-bye."

Kurt approached her as she turned from the phone. "Have you checked what's  going on ou
tside?" he asked, worry emanating from his voice.

“No, I hadn’t realized it was snowing until I talked to Grayson. She feels
we shouldn't attempt to make it back to Wyndemere. She said it had started to snow about an hour ago and the roads are treacherous."

"I agree with her. I just talked with the hotel concierge and he also said not to drive back to
Taos. So . . .  what do you want to do, get rooms here, and spend the night? Or do you want to chance the drive back?"

"Room," she said
, in a sultry voice.

He looked at her and knew this situation would lead to a confrontation. He wanted her so, but he must have control.

“I said  ‘rooms’.”

Kurt
was unable to get rooms on different floors. The only rooms available were adjoining. He smiled as he walked away from the desk, tossing the keys in his hand. Not too long ago, he would have paid anything to have adjoining rooms. He laughed at the irony of the situation.

“What’s
so amusing?"

"Oh, nothing."

"Where's your room?" she asked.

"Would you believe, adjoining yours."

“Is that what the laugh is all about?"

"Go." He shoved her into her room and closed the door. "Lock it, Andrea."

He scrutinized his room as he entered. The king size bed brought back memories of hot flesh and warm lips. Stunned by his reaction, he quickly turned on the TV to take his mind off Andrea and their life as it used to be. He was so engrossed in his thoughts, he never heard her enter his room through the adjoining door.

She stood watching his back. His hand automatically ran through his hair. She noticed he did that when he was in deep thought. The magnetic pull of his masculinity embarrassed her. She groaned as her feelings took over.

He turned and saw her staring.

"I hope you don't mind that I let myself in?"

"No. Of course not. Make yourself comfortable. I was just about to call housekeeping, to see if we could get toothbrushes, toothpaste, and bathrobes."

“Thanks.
I didn't think about that." She smiled that wonderful smile. "But I did think of dinner. I ordered room service."

"Why don't we just go down to the restaurant?"

She turned her eyes away, knowing they each sensed a reserve in the other. "I'm extremely tired. I just want to take a relaxing bath, have dinner, and watch some TV." She looked at him for a reaction.              

He eyed her with a look of amusement. Shaking his head, he turned, not sure of what she really
meant and not trusting himself to be with her in such an intimate way.

After she'd gone back to her room, he thought about their
earlier conversation. It had been easy to talk to her. Why didn't he tell her the truth from the beginning? All this could have been avoided. Their lives would have been free of this mess.

CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT

When
he entered her room, the dinner cart had already been delivered. She sat at the table in front of the fireplace, in a plush, white terry robe. Her hair, still damp, was pulled back in a ponytail. A few golden hairs escaped the band and curled around her face.

The fire cast a golden incandescence over her and the entire room glowed in the warmth of the fire. The dinner cart was laden with an assortment of seafood, and the table was set with china and crystal. He looked around the room and saw magnificent pots of Phalaenopsis, De
ndrobiums, and Cattleyas. He felt weak as he walked toward her. She remembers.

"You look startled. Is something wrong?"

"No, I'm surprised to see orchids this time of year. How did you find them?"

"I saw them when we were having tea and asked if a few plants could be brought up for
us to enjoy during dinner. Why? Don't you like orchids?"

"I love them. In fact, I plan to raise them someday."

She looked at him, perplexed. They both sat in silence for a moment. "Look at this," she said,  pointing to the wineglasses.

"Glasses but no wine.
They must have forgotten to put it on the tray.”

She rose from the table to call
room service. She felt his hand on hers.

"Don't bother. Thanks anyway."

“Do you know, I haven't had a glass of wine, except for that sip of champagne at the Wyndemere, since the accident and I really miss it. I guess that means I used to like it before," she chuckled.

Silence fell upon them as they ate. He couldn't take his eyes off her, or she off him. Every now and then their hands touched as they passed one thing or another across the table. It was like a jolt of ele
ctricity passing through them, a tingling that neither one wanted to let go.

"Kurt, I'm falling in love with you and your eyes tell me you have the same feelings."

“Andrea, please. I want you to get your memory back before you make such a positive statement."

“I don’t
care if I ever get it back. The only thing I know is I'm happiest when I'm with you."

“I feel the same way.
I'd hoped, by being together so much, you would remember. I believe you have begun to remember. The orchids, for one thing, and when I mentioned I had a sister named Emily, you showed recognition. Am I right?"

"Yes." She squinted her eyes. "
Some of the things I remember I think are dreams, and some of the dreams I think are fact. I'm confused. Are you or are you not a part of my past?"

"Yes, I am. A very important part."

CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE

She went to him and kissed him, letting her lips linger a moment. "I knew it."

“Knew what?”

“That you love me.”

He
tried to pull away from her, but lost control. He picked her up and carried her to the bed. He removed her robe and kissed her breasts and then her stomach.

S
he reached out and stroked his back, lifting his shirt and feeling his flesh. She urged him on, kissing his neck, his eyes, and his throat. Whispers of sheer need escaped her lips.

“I
told you once before I play for keeps," he groaned.

Suddenly,
she heard roaring in her ears, shapeless and immense. Through her darkness a stab of light painfully emerged. There was only one conclusion.

She must think. Thought was the only possible way of dealing with this, making some sense, finding an escape back into reason and an understandable world again. She needed to e
xamine this situation piece by piece . . . but, it couldn't be,
he can’t be my husband.

She slapped at his hands and chest.
She couldn't get away from him fast enough. She dropped her legs over the side of the bed.

He
grabbed her and pulled her back. An ugly and dangerous thought came to her. "Don't, don't touch me," she shouted and grabbed her robe and pulled it tightly around her. She rubbed her hands on her arms as she paced back and forth. "The tables are turned now, aren't they, Kurt? Do you find this amusing? Are you using your body to entice me now? I remember you said that to me the night you walked out."

"No. No
, I'm not." He lifted his hand with caution. "Let me explain."

"Why should I listen to you?
You walked out on me, remember?"

"Ask yourself why I walked out." His heart thumped against his rib cage. "Would you care for me to account for everyday of my life?"

"Don't be ridiculous." She looked at him carefully, but couldn't see any sarcasm in him. 

"Andrea, please." H
e took a step toward her.              Her hand shot out as if to protect herself. She nodded her head. “No. Go. Please go.”

"Let me tell you why."

"No, not now. I can't take any more truth."

CHAPTER SIXTY

“Why?
Why?" It was a senseless charade. Andrea sat in the armchair, staring out of the window. Heavy snow lined the streets. Even though the fireplace roared, the chill captured her. Minutes turned into hours, dragging through the night. At first she paced nervously, back and forth, back and forth, until her back ached, then she threw herself on the bed and methodically massaged her stomach.

Her body became frigid and still as the realization of t
his senseless nightmare grew.  She felt tormented by her memory, remembering the visions of their last night as they tumbled from their hiding place. Struggling, she reflected on every detail, every word of that night.

Finally
, night turned into morning and the realization of her love for Kurt hit her fully. She was prepared to see him when the gentle knock came to the door.

"Andrea, let me in. I need to make you understand, and then, if you never want to see me again,
I'll disappear from your life.”

Andrea opened the door,
then walked directly to one of the love seats in front of the fireplace. She pointed to the other on the opposite side. When she looked at Kurt, she saw a pained and wounded man.

He covered his eyes and felt her gaze on his hands, steady and judgmental. He dropped his hands and met her eyes. Eyes that had cried all night. Even pregnant, she was more beautiful and v
oluptuous than ever.

"When you and I talked during tea, I was telling you about my life. Emily and I had a horrif
ying childhood. I had treatment when I was very young, and I thought I was all right. I never dreamed I would react the way I did. I thought I had left that all behind me.

"When I met you, my life changed. I thought I could adjust to having a family. I thought that in a few years I’d be ready for fatherhood. But when you told me we were expecting
, I became extremely frightened. I freaked out. I just freaked out."

He reached over and took her hand. "During your recuperation, Andrea, I talked with
a doctor at the hospital. Dr. Correo made me aware I'd broken the cycle of child abuse when I moved out of my parents’ home. No other doctor had told me that.

"All my life I felt like I've been living a lie. It
’s horrible not being able to talk freely about something that affected my life so strongly. How could I get over the pain of something if I couldn't talk about it? Sure, I can talk about it in therapy, but I could never  discuss it with you. Dr. Correo made me aware the only way for me to achieve my goal was to totally commit myself emotionally, to you and our baby.

"During therapy
I realized that just because I didn't receive love and nurturing from my parents didn't mean I wasn't able as a parent to give it to a child of my own.  

"I have taken all the steps I can in healing myself. Please believe me. Honey, I want chi
ldren, I just had trouble believing what the doctors have been telling me right along. Just because my father was a child abuser, doesn't mean I will be one.

“I f
ully understand that now." He got up from the sofa and sat down beside her.

"I've done things that have hurt you a lot and I'm ashamed. I had no right to accuse you of l
ying to me. You didn't do anything to deserve that. You're wonderful, Andrea. It was me, all me."

"Do you want to talk about it to me, now?"
Andrea asked.

"Yes. You see, my fathe
r was a total maniac, and this particular night haunts me. It was early afternoon when he came home after being on the road for three weeks. My mother had planned a nice dinner for all of us. Em had just gotten home from a friend’s house. When dinner was ready she called to my father, to shut off the television and to come and sit at the table with us.

"As he walked to the table
with a glass of bourbon in his hand, nothing revealed his mood. He sat down and slammed the glass on the table so hard some of the liquor spilled on the tablecloth. I couldn't see his eyes, but I saw his back stiffen. He shouted at my mother not to tell him what to do. He got up from the table and walked into the kitchen. My mother following him.

“We
could hear my mother begging him not to hit her.”  Kurt paused and took Andrea’s hand. “My father dragged my mother into the dining room, and Em and I watched as my father hit her over and over again. He grabbed her hair and pulled until a handful came out in his hand. He looked at us, daring us to say something or do something. When he dragged her back into the kitchen shouting at her to put the food on the table, I went to find his gun. I didn't make it back to the table before him, so, in his fatherly way, he started on Emily.

“When I
returned to the table, with the gun tucked in my belt, I saw my sister, in a corner, rolled into a fetal position, with blood oozing from her mouth.

"My mother ran to her and the two of them wept in each other's arms.
I pulled Emily away from my mother and whispered for her to run. I told her to go back to her friend’s house and call the police. I stood in front of her and watched her run.

“My
father looked at me and demanded to know where I had gone. I told him I was in the bathroom. ‘Liar, liar,’ he screamed. He started towards me, his eyes glazed with alcohol. He told me to get Emily and bring her back home.

"I asked him why he acted the way he did. Why a man would even consider hitting a defens
eless woman and child. He continued to move toward me. I retreated and in the retreat, drew the gun and aimed it at his chest.

"I heard my mother
scream, and I heard myself begging him to stay away from me.

"My father looked at me and laughed in my face.
‘You wimp,’ he yelled over and over again. When he finally took the gun from me he hit me in the face with it. I fell to my knees as he continued to beat me. He picked me up and threw me onto the coffee table, breaking it into pieces.

"By this time
my mother was clawing at my father, trying to make him stop. I found the gun, and pulled the trigger. It didn't hit him, but it scared the hell out of him, enough to stop the beating. By that time, I dropped to the floor unconscious.” Kurt looked at her bewildered, "             

"Do you know, Andrea,
my mother didn't even take me to the hospital. She told us this was a family secret and not to tell anyone.  

"From that day, my father never touched my mother or sister.  I was the challenge for him now, not them. The last time I saw him, my rage was irreversible. I tried to kill him. When I didn
’t succeed, he beat me severely and I was in the hospital for weeks. I can go on for hours with different stories of being battered, humiliated, terrified, belittled, and blamed for my own pain.

"Andrea, I needed you to know why I walked out on you and our baby. I never realized how much anger I kept bottled up. And now that I've let it go, I have the power to change my destiny.
I freed myself of this legacy of guilt, and with that freedom, I'm able to give you and our baby a future. For me breaking the cycle means for me to stop thinking that I'm a victim or that I'd be an abusive parent.

"My life didn't really began until I got the cour
age to forgive my father. Dr. Correo made me realize that." He took Andrea in his arms, and kissed her gently. "I need you, Andrea, and I want nothing more than to become a father. I know my life would be worthless without you and our child," his said, his voice choked with sincerity.

Her eyes left his face a moment. She shuddered at the impact of his story. "Kurt, my da
rling. I was the one who was wrong to run away. I should have been honest with you from the beginning. Can you forgive me?"

"There is nothing to forgive. I should have told you the truth about my childhood. I see now that together, we have no fears. I am responsible for what happened. Not you."

"Then you have no doubts?"

"None." He reached into his pocket. "I have a surprise for you." He handed her a small box. "I've been carrying this with me ever since Valentine's Day. But today is even a better day to give you this. Happy Anniversary."

“Anniversary?"

“Yes.
One year today," he said as he placed a necklace around her neck.

"Let me see." She jumped up from the love seat and ran to the bedroom mirror. She touched the two hearts, which had been looped together with an arrow of diamonds. "This is us," she said, as she caressed her necklace. He took her hand and led her to the bed. He gently laid her down and r
emoved her robe and nightgown. Andrea shuddered.

"Are you cold my love?"

"No, my darling."

Silently he touched her face, her breasts, and her stomach. He bent and kissed her stomach. He watched her face as he undre
ssed. He rose above her, and surrendered to her his body and soul.

THE END

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