Of Loss & Betrayal (Madison & Logan Book 2) (15 page)

Moans escaped me and I bucked my hips, urging his fingers on. I could hear how slick his fingers were with my arousal and it just turned me on even more. His thumb on my engorged clit was almost too much to bear, the sensation so overwhelming that it was almost painful.

“Are you still planning on leaving?” Logan asked in a low tone as his fingers continued their assault. My head was moving from side to side as pressure mounted in my core.

“No,” I sobbed. “Please. Don’t stop.”

“I’m the one who gives the orders, not you,” he growled. I wanted to cry in protest when I felt his fingers slip out of me, but before I knew what was happening, Logan turned me around and pushed my back against the wall. “I want to see your face while I fuck you.”

Before I could respond, he slid off my jeans and panties in one smooth motion. I heard him undoing the buckle of his belt, and before my mind could process what was happening, he lifted me up and wrapped my legs around his waist, plunging up deep inside me in one brutal thrust. I keened loudly in pleasure and gripped his shoulders, holding on for dear life as he thrust into me again and again. There was no tenderness in the way he was fucking me, and I welcomed the harsh treatment that blotted everything else from my mind. I reveled in my back slamming against the wall with each hard stroke.

I was mindless with pleasure when the unwelcome sound of Logan’s cell phone ringing interrupted our grunts and moans. I wanted to ignore it, but it was in my line of sight because it was sitting on the side table right next to us, so close that I could easily grab it. I wanted to scream when I saw Kristina’s number flashing across the screen.

“Ignore it,” Logan said through gritted teeth. “It’s only us here now.”

An insidious thought grew despite his words. Kristina needed to know that she had no chance with Logan. She needed to know that he was mine. Without thinking it through, I reached down and hit the button on the cell phone to connect the call. Logan’s entire focus was on fucking me and he didn’t notice what I did.

I didn’t have to pretend as I moaned loudly as he pounded into me. The room was filled with the sounds of our raw sex, and I knew Kristina could hear it as well.

My thoughts about Kristina receded as pure sensation overtook me. My body bowed as the pressure inside me erupted and I was wracked with waves of unadulterated pleasure. Logan followed close behind me with a harsh shout, pumping his release into me.

His head dropped against me when he was done, his brow sweaty. I wrapped my arms around him, wanting to be this close to him forever. My gaze dropped down and I saw that the screen of his phone was lit up and the call was still connected. I had acted without thinking, and I felt my stomach drop as I realized what I had done. Sure, Kristina needed to be put in her place, but this had been too cruel.

I froze when Logan’s gaze dropped to see what I was looking at. He stared at the phone for a few seconds, the silence thick with tension as he absorbed what had happened. His gaze flicked back up to me, and I could see the revulsion in his eyes.

Even worse was the condemnation in his expression as he stepped back, slipping out of me. His furious glower told me he was beyond angry.

Logan reached down and pressed the button to disconnect the call. He stepped back, adjusting his clothing, and I quickly followed suit. He didn’t say anything. He just stood there, staring at me, waiting for an explanation.

I swallowed hard. There was nothing I could say except the truth. “I did it without thinking,” I admitted quietly. “I was just really upset that you were giving her feelings any sort of consideration. I also thought it would be an effective way for her to get the message.” I stared at his chest, not wanting to see the disappointment in his eyes. “I wish I could take it back.”

“I don’t know if this crap is typical for you to pull, but I won’t allow it. It was a ruthless thing to do. Kristina doesn’t deserve to be treated so callously.”

My eyes shot up to his. All the guilt I had been feeling evaporated, replaced by pure rage.

“Kristina doesn’t deserve to be treated so callously?” I repeated, seething with resentment. “She’s lying to you. She’s manipulating you. She’s taking advantage of your memory loss and trying to make you believe you’re engaged to her. And you’re telling me I shouldn’t treat her so callously?”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to leave before I did or said something I would regret, because the anger bubbling inside me was white hot and dangerous.

“I think we should spend some time apart.” I grabbed my bag and stalked towards the door. “Call me when you get your head out of your ass.”

I got as far as opening the front door before Logan pulled me back. I opened my mouth to berate him, but he spun me around and hugged me hard. My body was tense at first, not wanting to give in, but it was a losing battle against Logan’s hard, warm body. I felt the rigidity melting away until I was nestled against him, my face buried in his neck.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, stroking my hair. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I forget how hard all of this must be for you. But I’m not choosing Kristina. I’ve already chosen you. It’s just hard to tell someone I don’t even know that they’re a liar. It’s totally different having your past told to you, instead of having lived it. I can’t help but feel detached from it all. The one thing that’s been grounding me is you, because I know without a doubt we’re supposed to be together.”

Logan’s words had its intended effect, and my anger evaporated. I confessed my greatest fear since realizing that Logan didn’t remember me. “I just don’t want to be left behind,” I said quietly. “I’m afraid you’re going to leave me. I don’t know what I’d do if that happened.”

Logan shifted his head to kiss my temple. “That will never happen, I promise.” He lifted my chin so that I met his gaze. “Do you believe me?”

I nodded, although there was a small part of me that would always be doubtful until he regained his memory. But now wasn’t the time to bring it up.

We were both exhausted by the emotional upheaval, so we went to bed. Not much was said. I think we were both afraid that words would just lead to more fighting. We held each other as we fell asleep, and I prayed that morning would bring a better day.

Chapter Thirteen

I only slept a few hours before waking. I tried to go back to sleep but I was restless, my mind overwhelmed with worries and fears. It was barely dawn when I finally decided to give up on sleep. I got out of bed as quietly as I could, since Logan was sound asleep, and padded out of the bedroom, softly closing the door behind me.

It was still dark so I flicked on the small lamp on Logan’s desk before sitting down in his chair. I turned on his computer, intending to email my boss to tell him that I would be able to start work again the week after Thanksgiving. Logan’s computer was in sleep mode instead of being off, like I had expected. I had been the only one to use it earlier in the day before Mack came over for dinner, and I had turned it off after I was done.

My stomach dropped when I saw that a folder was already open. It was the folder that I had snooped through previously when I had learned about Kristina visiting Logan in the hospital. It was the folder full of happy pictures of Logan and Kristina looking like the perfect couple. Why had Logan been looking at these? And when had he looked at them? He hadn’t been on the computer any time tonight while I had been awake, so he had to have looked at them while I was sleeping.

The realization left a bitter taste in my mouth. While I had been asleep, Logan had been looking at pictures of Kristina. What had compelled him to go onto his computer in the middle of the night? Had he accidentally stumbled upon her pictures, or had he already known that they were there, and purposefully gotten up to look at them?

I wanted to delete them all, but I told myself I couldn’t act recklessly again. The fact that Logan had been looking at these pictures didn’t mean anything. He had probably gotten on the computer because he couldn’t sleep and discovered them. Any other explanation would crush me.

I turned off the computer and padded into the kitchen to make coffee. It had just finished brewing when Logan walked in.

“Why are you up so early?” he asked sleepily. He walked over and pulled me into a hug. “I know it’s a Monday, but I thought we were both still playing hooky from work this week.”

“I just couldn’t sleep,” I said, returning the hug. I pushed my worries aside. Bringing up the pictures would just alienate Logan. I needed to focus on our relationship and forget about Kristina, as difficult as that was. “Don’t get up on my account.”

Logan kissed me on the neck. “Come back to bed. You don’t have to sleep.”

I laughed and playfully hit him on the arm. “It’s too early for that. I might not be able to sleep, but I’m still exhausted.”

He grinned. “You have a dirty mind. I just meant that we can cuddle.”

I laughed and obliged his request, following him back to bed. He wrapped his arms around me, his chest against my back, and the warmth of his body radiated through me. We were silent for a while, content just to be together. Logan was the one to break the silence.

“What are you thinking about?”

“Just how crazy all of this is,” I replied truthfully. “Amnesia and a love triangle. I feel like I’m in a soap opera.”

I was joking, but Logan’s voice was serious when he responded. “There is no love triangle. It’s just you and me.”

His words were as comforting as his warm body, and before I realized what was happening, I was drifting off into a peaceful sleep.

The next thing I knew, a phone was ringing loudly. I groaned, reluctant to rouse. It was so warm in bed next to Logan, I wanted to just stay in bed with him for a week or two.

I heard Logan fumbling for his phone on the nightstand, and then mutter a grumpy hello. I turned over to look at him, and his sleepy countenance disappeared as he abruptly sat up in bed.

“What happened?” he asked, sounding wide awake. I sat up as well, watching him with trepidation as his glance flicked over to me.

He was silent for a while, listening to whoever was on the other end of the line. I felt myself tense as I stared at him. He wasn’t talking to Kristina, was he?

“Thanks for calling me,” Logan finally said. “I’ll be there as soon as possible.”

“What’s going on?” I asked when he disconnected the call. “What’s wrong?”

Logan took a deep breath before answering. “That was Mack. Apparently Kristina took too many sleeping pills last night and is currently at the hospital, where she had to have her stomach pumped.”

Shock went through me. “Oh, my God. She tried to kill herself?”

He paused. “She’s claiming it was an accident, that she didn’t realize how many she took. But according to Mack, she swallowed nearly the entire bottle.”

I felt nauseous. As much as I disliked Kristina, I had never wanted anything like this to happen. Had she done it in response to hearing Logan and I make love last night? It had been a cruel and vicious thing for me to do, but I never imagined in a million years that she would try to hurt herself.

I felt myself starting to tremble. It was like a nightmare that was repeating itself. First Cassie, and now Kristina.

Logan rubbed my back soothingly, seeing how upset I was. “It’s okay. Mack said Kristina is doing well, considering the circumstances.”

I shook my head as guilt weighed down on me. “I never meant for anything like this to happen. I just wasn’t thinking.” I took a long shuddering breath. “This is my fault, isn’t it? Do you think she did it because she heard us last night?”

“I don’t know, Maddie,” he said quietly. “But you’re not responsible. It’s not your fault. You can’t drive someone to kill themselves.”

It was like déjà vu. Logan had said those exact same words to me after Cassie’s death. But this time I knew for sure I was responsible.

I tried to rein in my emotions as we got ready to leave. It was never discussed, but we both knew we were visiting Kristina at the hospital. We were silent on the ride over, although Logan held my hand the entire time.

Mack met us in the waiting room. He looked tired, and his face was strained.

“How is she?” Logan asked.

“She’s okay. They were able to get the pills out of her system. It seems like they’re buying her story that it was an accident, because they’re discharging her tomorrow.” Mack shook his head. “There’s no way this was an accident.”

I swallowed past a lump in my throat. If Mack only knew what I had done last night, he would have confirmation that it was no accident. “How did you find out?”

“She called me. I assume she felt like she didn’t have anyone else to contact here, and she didn’t want to be alone.” Mack glanced at Logan. “I guess she felt like she couldn’t call you.”

I felt sick. Of course she didn’t feel like she could call Logan. Not after what had happened the last time she had called him.

“I guess we should go see her,” Logan said.

I shook my head. There was no way I could face Kristina. For all the lies she had told and all her manipulations, they seemed minor compared to what I had done to her. And I still hadn’t forgotten that I had taken Logan away from her in the first place. I hadn’t set out to steal him from her, but maybe she was justified in trying to do the same.

“You go ahead. I’m probably the last person she wants to see right now.”

Logan looked at me questioningly. “Are you sure? You’re okay with me going to see her on my own?”

I nodded my head. “It’s fine. Go ahead.”

“I’ll stay with Madison,” Mack offered. He frowned when Logan hesitated. “As a
friend
,” he added, stressing the last word.

Logan grimaced. “Sorry. I’m not trying to be a jackass. Thanks.”

I watched his retreating back as he went down the hallway to Kristina’s room, my emotions jumbled and confusing.

“Why don’t we sit down,” Mack suggested, guiding me to a row of empty chairs in the waiting room. I followed him and sat down, staring at my clenched hands. There was no way I could tell him about what had precipitated Kristina’s suicide attempt. I didn’t want him to know how depraved I could be.

“Who found her?” I asked, my voice strained.

“Housekeeping. She’s been staying at a hotel not too far away from Logan’s apartment. When she didn’t answer, they came in to clean the room and found her on the bed with the almost empty bottle of pills next to her. When they couldn’t wake her up, they called an ambulance.”

I didn’t want to hear anymore. It was too distressing. I didn’t say anything else while we waited for Logan. Mack seemed to sense my need for silence and just sat next to me without speaking.

It seemed like forever until I saw Logan walking back towards the waiting room.

“How is she?” I asked when he sat down next to me.

“She looks pale and weak but she’s okay,” Logan said. “She tried to tell me it was an accident, but when I really pressed her, she admitted that she took too many on purpose, but only because she was desperate to sleep. Not because she was trying to kill herself.”

I wanted to ask Logan if she had mentioned hearing us have sex, but I couldn’t in front of Mack. For some reason, I just couldn’t stand to have Mack find out what a repulsive thing I had done.

Logan studied me for a moment before speaking again. “She asked if she could spend some time with me. I told her I would talk to you about it, but even if you agreed, it would only be with the both of us. I think she’s afraid to be alone right now. She told me she doesn’t have much family in California to go back to for Thanksgiving. Her father died in a car accident while she was in high school, and she’s estranged from her mother.”

What the hell was I supposed to say to that? As guilty as I felt, I wanted to scream no. She would just try to manipulate Logan into being with her.

“I…I don’t know,” I said hesitantly. “I need to think about it.”

“Why don’t you guys go home,” Mack interjected. “I’ll stay here with her. They’re releasing her tomorrow and I’ll make sure she gets back to her hotel safely.”

“Thanks, I appreciate it,” Logan said. “Call me if you need anything.”

My emotions were a jumbled mess on the drive home. Guilt and fear warred with each other. Could I refuse Kristina’s request after what I had done? But wouldn’t that just be giving her an opportunity to get her hooks back into Logan?

When we got back to Logan’s apartment, I collapsed on the couch. Logan sat next to me and put his arm around my shoulders.

“Let’s not talk about it for a while,” I said wearily, when he turned to me. “I can’t take any more stress. I’ll think about her request and make a decision by the time she’s discharged from the hospital tomorrow.”

“I was just going to ask what you wanted to eat,” Logan said with a rueful smile. “Everything else can wait.”

Logan made a concerted effort to keep things light for the rest of the day, which made me feel even guiltier. I was the one who had done a despicable thing, yet he was the one trying to cheer me up.

Emily called, and I couldn’t even fathom trying to explain to her everything that had happened. I felt bad lying, but I was physically and emotionally exhausted, so I told her everything was fine and I would call her back later when I had more time to talk.

Mack called us once in the evening to let us know that everything was fine, and that he would call us again the next day when Kristina left the hospital. Logan thanked him again for looking after her, and said he would talk to him tomorrow.

Logan and I didn’t make love that night. We just held each other until we fell asleep. For the first time in a very long time, I had dreams about Cassie that had me waking up in the middle of the night, gasping to catch my breath. I wished I had my sleeping pills with me, then shook off the thought as I remembered how Kristina had tried to kill herself.

It was a long time until I was finally able to fall back asleep, only to be met with nightmares about Cassie’s death again.