Of Loss & Betrayal (Madison & Logan Book 2) (12 page)

I shook my head. “Like I always tell you, it’s a good kind of hurt.”

Logan shifted so he was on his back, taking me with him so I was splayed across his chest. I nuzzled against his neck, breathing in his scent. For the first time since the accident, I felt completely happy.

That happiness was quickly shattered when I heard his cell phone ringing. He had taken it out of his pocket and put it on the bedside table some time during the throes of our lovemaking. When he grabbed it, I saw a phone number with an L.A. area code flashing across the screen. I knew it had to be Kristina.

“Are you going to answer that?” I asked tersely.

Logan shook his head and silenced the phone before putting it back on the bedside table. “I’m pretty occupied by a beautiful, sexy woman lying on top of me. Especially since she’s naked.”

I wanted to laugh, but my mood was ruined by Kristina’s intrusion. I didn’t say anything as Logan lightly traced my earlobe, pausing to touch the earring.

“I don’t know where I bought these earrings, but they were definitely worth whatever I paid for them.”

I tried to muster up a smile, but it was half-hearted at best. I tensed when his fingers trailed down to touch the chain around my neck, following its path to the heart pendant that was resting on his chest.

“I guess earrings aren’t the only thing you’re wearing. I could get used to you wearing nothing but jewelry.”

Without thinking, I pulled the heart pendant away from him. “It was Cassie’s. I gave it to her for her twentieth birthday. Right before she killed herself.”

I felt an irrational anger that I was the only one who carried the memory of Cassie. I knew it wasn’t his fault, but I felt myself growing resentful that Logan had a clear conscience because he didn’t remember the past. I had gotten to the point where I had resolved my guilt and come to terms with what had happened, but Logan losing his memory seemed to reignite a lot of those old feelings. I knew that my anger over Kristina being thrust into our lives again only added fuel to the fire.

“I’m sorry, Maddie,” Logan said softly. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I shook my head, telling myself that it was unfair to be upset with Logan. He hadn’t purposely forgotten Cassie. I tried to smile at him. “No, there’s plenty of time to talk about the past later. Right now I’m just happy to be here with you.”

Logan gave me a slow smile. “I must be an idiot to not be able to remember you. I’m sure my memory will come back, but I’m more than willing to create new memories with you.”

I laughed, pushing the thoughts of Cassie and Kristina aside. “That’s so kind of you. How about we create a memory of me sucking your cock?” I suggested brazenly.

Whatever Logan had been about to say in response was cut off, as I did just as I proposed, giving him a memory he wasn’t going to forget anytime soon.

Chapter Ten

By the time we finally made it out of bed, it was early evening and we were both starving. Not wanting to leave the apartment, we ordered Chinese food and had a lazy dinner in the living room. It was sometimes easy to forget Logan’s memory loss, because we were so at ease with each other. If it hadn’t been for the random question every now and then that took me aback, like him asking me where I grew up, I would never have known that Logan didn’t remember me.

We were sitting on the couch when Logan’s cell phone rang again, flashing the L.A. number I had seen earlier, and it put a damper on things once again. His gaze flicked to it before reaching over to silence it.

“How come you’re not answering your phone?” I couldn’t resist asking.

“I don’t feel like talking to anyone except you,” he replied with a grin.

Instead of being flattered, I was annoyed that he was avoiding the question. I told myself I shouldn’t push more, but my mouth seemed to have a mind of its own.

“Is that Kristina?”

Logan hesitated before answering. “Yeah. I told her I would contact her if I had any more questions. I’m not sure why she’s calling me.”

I was silent for a moment before speaking. “You said that she told you about your relationship with her. Considering how badly she wants to get back together with you, I’m pretty sure she embellished a lot of it. Don’t get me wrong. We weren’t exactly in the right by being together while you two were still in a relationship. But we’ve moved beyond that now. I hate to ask this, but are you sure you’re not leading her on by keeping the lines of communication open with her?” I paused for a moment before continuing, saying what I feared most. “Unless there’s a reason you want to keep in touch with her. Are you considering getting back together with her?”

Logan’s arm was around my shoulders and my stomach lurched when he moved it away. I was relieved when he took both of my hands into his and shifted so he was facing me.

“Maddie, I meant what I said yesterday. Even though I can’t remember our past, I know that we belong together. I can’t explain it, it just feels right.” He gave me a rakish grin. “And what happened between us today just reinforced that feeling.”

I told myself to be content with his answer. It would probably just take time for me not to feel so threatened by Kristina. Distance wouldn’t hurt either. I fervently wished she would just get back on a plane to California and leave us to live our lives in peace.

I changed the topic, not wanting to give Kristina any more headspace. “Do you think you should call your parents and tell them what happened? I think they’d want to know that their son was in an accident and is suffering from memory loss.”

Logan shook his head as he leaned back against the couch, settling his arm around me again. “It would only worry them. They’d probably cut their trip short to rush home, but there’s nothing they can do.” He paused before continuing. “You mentioned before that your dad was going to Florida with his girlfriend. What happened to your mom?” He grimaced. “I’m sorry that I don’t remember.”

It had been a long time since someone had asked me about my mother. It was something I avoided thinking about because she didn’t deserve any headspace.

“She left when I was little. My dad said it was because she was unhappy with her life. She had never imagined being a wife and a mother, but they had gotten married because she got pregnant.” I shrugged. “I guess she decided that it wasn’t the life for her. One day my dad came home and she was gone. I vaguely remember getting birthday cards for a few years, but then even those stopped. She’s never tried to contact me since then.”

Logan rubbed my shoulder. “I’m sorry. That must have been difficult for you.”

“It was when I was younger, but I guess you can get used to anything.” I leaned my head back so it was resting on Logan’s arm. “My dad tried as much as he could to be both father and mother to me, but it wasn’t easy for him, especially since he’s not naturally an affectionate person. But he tried. I never doubted that he loved me. More importantly, I knew that he would never abandon me, like my mother had. That might not sound like much, but for a little girl who was left by her mother, it meant everything.”

“Do you ever think about trying to find her?”

I frowned. “No. There’s no reason for her to be in my life now. Cassie’s mother was more of a mom to me than anyone else.” I sighed. “That’s why it’s so hard for me to know the state she’s in. I haven’t seen her in a long time because I can’t handle her delusions anymore.”

Logan raised his eyebrows. “What’s wrong with her?”

I tightened my mouth, not wanting to talk about such an awful topic, but maybe it would help Logan regain his memory. “She had a really tough time with Cassie’s death. I mean, what parent wouldn’t? But she pretty much had a nervous breakdown, and her way of coping was to pretend that Cassie was still alive. Her husband lets her live in her delusions. I think he believes it’s the kindest thing to do for her, but I disagree. She’ll never be able to really live until she faces that Cassie is gone.” Just talking about Mrs. Brooks made me unbelievably sad. “I owe her a lot. Cassie and I became best friends in fifth grade and her mother took me under her wing. I wish there was more I could do for her, but I can’t just sit by and watch her sink deeper into her sickness while I’m not allowed to do anything to help her. I haven’t seen her since last year.” I sighed heavily. “I know she was really upset that I didn’t go to their house for Cassie’s birthday this year. She celebrates it like she’s expecting Cassie to walk through the front door at any minute. I just couldn’t do it this year.”

Logan dropped a kiss on my head. “I can’t imagine how awful that must have been for you. I wish I could remember, if only so that you don’t feel so alone with the memories.” He gave me another kiss. “Can you tell me about the good memories with Cassie?”

My heart squeezed with emotion at his request. It touched me that he wanted to know about Cassie. About me. Memory loss or not, Logan cared about me.

We spent the rest of the night talking about Cassie. I pulled out a photo album that dated back to elementary school and spanned all the way to college. Logan looked at all the pictures with interest, especially the college ones where he was included. It must have been disconcerting to see himself in pictures that he couldn’t recall being taken, but Logan took it in stride. As if in silent agreement, we carefully avoided talking about our cheating and Cassie’s death. We only talked about the good memories, and it was both nostalgic and cathartic to relive the past.

It was late when we finally went to bed. I was happy that it was assumed that I was going to stay over. We were both exhausted so we didn’t do much more than cuddle. I had no problems falling asleep in Logan’s warm embrace.

The next morning was sunny but bitingly cold. I made Western omelets for breakfast and Logan was effusive in his praise. We nursed our cups of coffee as we talked about what to do for the rest of the day.

“Do you want to go to the aquarium?” Logan asked.

I paused with my mug halfway to my mouth. “Do you remember our trips to the aquarium?” I asked hopefully. My hopes were dashed when he shook his head.

“No. Did we used to go a lot?”

I swallowed my disappointment and smiled at him. “I used to drag you all the time. I have a slight obsession with sea otters and you used to humor me about it. We would usually go to the Half Pitcher afterwards for their massive plate of nachos.”

“That sounds like a good plan to me,” Logan said, returning the smile. I felt a little flutter of excitement at the way he looked at me. His gaze was full of affection and humor, the way it always used to be before the accident.

We got ready quickly and headed to the aquarium. I turned up the music in the rental car that Logan had gotten after being discharged from the hospital. I felt upbeat and happy. Logan and I were together and we had a day of fun ahead of us. I couldn’t ask for anything more.

We had a great time at the aquarium. Logan seemed to enjoy it as much as I did, not seeming to mind that we spent a long time at the sea otter exhibit. It was late afternoon by the time we got to the Half Pitcher, and the bar was already crowded with patrons watching a football game, but we managed to snag one of the last tables.

I took a sip of the beer we had ordered, looking around at the crowd. I turned back to Logan.

“Does any of this seem familiar to you?”

“I remembered the aquarium, although I don’t remember going there with you.” Logan quirked his mouth. “Sorry. But this place I don’t remember at all.”

“We come here pretty regularly,” I said, not taking offense that he hadn’t remembered going to the aquarium with me. I was used to it by now. “Usually on the weekends, but every now and then we would come here on the weekdays after you got off work.” I took another sip of my beer before continuing. “Speaking of work, do you know when you’re planning on going back?”

“Probably the week after next. My firm told me to take as much time as I need, but I know the work is piling up. I think it’ll be good for me to go back to work. Getting back into the routine of my life might help me regain my memory.” He reached across the table to hold my hand. I felt a thrill at the simple touch. What was once an ordinary, routine touch of affection meant so much more now because it meant that despite his memory loss, Logan wanted to be with me.

“What about you?” he asked. “You mentioned that you told your boss you were taking time off work, but there’s really no need to.” He gave me a wry grin. “You don’t have to coddle me. I won’t wander off into the street by myself.”

I laughed. “I know. I just want to be here for you, to answer any questions you may have. I’ll probably start writing again after Thanksgiving. I’m lucky to have such a flexible boss.” I squeezed his hand. “You’re handling your memory loss unbelievably well. I would probably be having a nervous breakdown if I were you.”

“It’s not always easy,” Logan admitted with a slight frown. “It’s unsettling, to say the least, to know that there are gaping holes in my memory. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that I can’t remember some of the most important people in my life. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t worry that I have some sort of permanent brain damage, regardless of all the tests at the hospital coming back normal. And sometimes I wonder if I’ll start losing more memories instead of regaining the ones I lost.”

I was surprised by his admission. Except for when he had first woken up from being unconscious, Logan had seemed to take his memory loss in stride. Maybe I had been too engrossed in my own emotions about his amnesia to see what he was going through. I felt guilty for being so self-involved.

“I guess you seemed so self-assured that I took it for granted that you weren’t having a hard time handling all of this.” I frowned. “I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” he said, rubbing his thumb back and forth against my hand. “You’ve been there for me every step of the way. I’d be lost without you.”

I tried to not get teary eyed by his words. Luckily, the waitress appeared with our nachos, so I had something to distract myself with before I started bawling.

“Holy plate of nachos,” Logan said with disbelief as he eyed the plate. I laughed at his incredulous look. The nachos were pretty awe-inspiring. The plate they were on was actually a metal pizza pan that could barely contain the massive amount of chips, ground beef, cheese and other assortment of toppings that made up the nachos.

“I told you it was big,” I said as I started to dig in. “It could feed a family of six.”

“I can see why we came here all the time,” Logan commented as he started to eat as well. “Although I can feel my arteries hardening just looking at it. How much of this do we usually actually eat?”

I didn’t answer. Instead, I watched him as he pushed all the jalapenos to my side. He looked up when I didn’t reply.

“What’s wrong?”

“Why are you doing that?” I asked.

Logan looked at me confused. “Doing what?”

“Pushing all the jalapenos to my side.”

He frowned as he looked down at the nachos. “I’m not sure. I didn’t realize I was even doing it.”

“It’s just…” I faltered before continuing. “You always used to do that because I love jalapenos.”

Logan furrowed his brow. “Maybe my body remembers even if my mind doesn’t. I was doing it without thinking.”

“Maybe this is a good sign,” I said with a hopeful smile. “Maybe this is the beginning of you regaining your memory.”

“I hope so.” Logan looked at me intently. “As much as I want my memories back, as long as I have you, I’ll be okay. We can make a lifetime of new memories together.”

My heart melted at his words. Although I desperately wanted him to regain his memory, he was right. As long as we were together, everything would be okay.

We spent the rest of the afternoon at the Half Pitcher in easy conversation, as we drank and ate our fill of the nachos. When we got back to his apartment, we made passionate love and then held each other in bed for the rest of the night, content just to be together. I wanted to tell Logan I loved him, something I was so used to saying to him all the time, but despite his profession of wanting to be with me, I didn’t want to scare him away. I decided to wait until we had spent more time together to say those words to him. After all, there was no rush.