Official Book Club Selection (33 page)

From: Woz

Date: August 31, 2007 1:14 AM

To: Kathy

Subject: Re: Better than the lnar eclipse

Kathy, you are a genius for this one. I probably wouldn’t do this if you had not brought me laughter in your comedy. I am truly honored. I have downloaded your D List shows. I will be straightforward at the event. My sense is that this will be successful, since I’m more of an unknown in the entertainment world. We are an interesting couple in that sense.

I like genuineness, or at least a feeling of it, so some (only a few) reality shows are the only ones I’ve watched in ages. My withdrawal from TV happened in the early days of satellite TV, before you could even buy it. You had to hand-make huge dishes. I discovered that movies delivered that way had much better acting than TV shows for the most part. Heck, the movies weren’t even encrypted or charged for when I got into it, in early Apple years.

As for my background, many know that I founded Apple but avoided running a company to stay in the laboratory. I generously gave lots of my stock to other employees who had none. I was the founder of the Children’s Discovery Museum and The Tech of Silicon Valley and The Silicon Valley Ballet and more. I wanted to give back to the city I was born in (San Jose). They named a street after me. I went back to college after Apple and finished my degree at Berkeley under the name Rocky Racoon Clark. I got my diploma in that name. I had always wanted to teach 5th grade and felt it was more important to donate yourself and your own time so I taught for 8 years with no press allowed except once for People Magazine. I don’t hang around with CEO’s or financial types. I prefer interesting creative people, starting small companies or doing other projects, sometime even homeless people. If they have interesting stories, that’s more important to me. Oh, I’m also well known in the San Jose for supporting animal causes and the humane society. That’s a short summary of my background.

This will be fun. I even bought a suit. What a great thing and it wasn’t even my own idea, which is unusual.

xoxo and smiles,

Woz

—tv is wake zone (anagram of my name)

From: Kathy

Date: August 31, 2007 11:45:11 PM

To: Woz

Subject: Re: Better than the lnar eclipse

—Yes, it’s Kathy Griffin here. Can you hear me? I downloaded, or I guess just listened to your interview on the Segway fansite ot whatever the fuck that was. Christ, talk about a niche market! I figured I should do some homework if you’re going to watch “My Life on the D-List” You are a very smart guy and that’s probably why whatever is wrong with you is wrong with you. I hope you can take my gentle ribbing, because honestly, I can’t get enough of it. I cannot WAIT to give you shit in person about staying at the Universal City Hilton. If you play your cards right, I might let you take me to a theme restaurant there.

I hope you know a few people will assume you’re gay just because you’re with me. Can’t help that. It will broaden your fan base. Speaking of, I find it so funny that at the mention of your name there are only two reactions. “Who” or “He’s a GOD!” Nothing in between. Congratulations on buying your first suit …

XXOO, KG (my initials)

From: Woz

Date: September 2, 2007 2:34 PM

To: Kathy

Subject: Type A

I mean Taipei …

I actually watched 6 D List shows on the flight over instead of sleeping.

I understand the stress of performing. The same goes for my own category. I just toured the world speaking for 20 years but it was phony because I did it all at my own expense, first class travel and all. I wanted to give back to the clubs that Apple came out of. But it got to be so much travel all the time that I started saying they had to pay my way. It’s still so full-time that I try to cut back more by asking for fees but I’m still overworked at this and thank god that I’m patient.

I used to carry long knives onto airplanes. In Tokyo I bought ceramic knives that fold up like switchblades. They are so health-driven there that many people don’t like metal utensils. I’d take everything metal off my body and walk through the metal detector in airports just fine. I’m sure it would work today as well but I haven’t tried this since 9–11. On the plane I’d rub the knife (metal back then) and comment to the stewardess that the knife was pretty dull and how I hoped the steak was tender. Then when the steak was served I’d pull out my ceramic knife, with about a 6-inch blade, and it worked great. The most a stewardess ever said was “wow, a plastic knife” but sometimes passengers had very upset looks across the aisle.

love to your whole crew,

oops, it’s been an hour and I’m hungry again here.

From: Kathy

Date: September 2, 2007 10:33:57 PM PDT

To: Woz

Subject: Re: Type A

I’ve never been to Taipei. Do you explore a city much when you’re there? When you’re here will you please explain Greenwich time to my in a way I can understand. In fact I’d like it if you’d pretend I was one of your fifth graders when answering most of my questions. When you ask me a question about Hollywood or celebrities, I will, however, look at you like you’re a complete moron. It just makes me feel better.

If I ever see you in an airport or fly with you I’m going to act like I don’t know you. Do you really like to travel for work this much? I get road burn out sometimes. On those days I cry for no reason. That’s why I’m such a hotel JAP (Jewish American Princess. I’m not Jewish, but I’m jew-friendly.) Unlike you, I must have the largest suite possible in the nicest hotel in town with the best room service. If I don’t, I have trouble relaxing. I also like to do lots of online research about the food. I refuse to do chain restaurants on the road. No Cracker Barrel, no Coco’s, no fast food. I love Mom and Pop places. I watch the food channel and take notes! I can’t cook at all, but it’s the best place to find the good places to eat all over the U.S. I really like basic food, but very well prepared. Sometimes my Gays and I have a “tuna meltdown” and search for the best new place to get a really good tune melt. Promoters and hotel manager’s usually want to send me to someplace to get duck confit with a raspberry reduction or some shit. God, I would so like to talk to you about money. My mom is staying over at my house tonight. I have depression parents. My Dad actually passed away last Feb. My whole life, their depression ethic has been drilled in to me. Anyway, she has convinced me once again that if I spend one more penny, I’m going to lose everything, live in my car and eat dog food. I don’t spend that much money, relatively speaking, but I believe her none the less.

You probably figured this out, but I’m not interested in you for, nor do I need your money.

Why don’t you speak at Comdex(sp?) and functions like that where you will be treated like a god and your jokes will kill? I know, you’re not in to that, but c’mon, once in a while. Let the geeks love you.

XXOO, Kathy

From: Woz

Date: September 3, 2007 9:10 AM

To: Kathy

Subject: Re: Type A

I hate it when hosts book my travel and it’s not non-stop, etc. So every trip that’s contracted we have them pay us an estimate for travel, an estimate for food, etc. They often write in the same for Steve’s assistant, Julie. For the last trip to Las Vegas they paid us $3700 each for travel I think (maybe $3700 total) and we drove Prius’s which get there and back for about $150 each. We have them pay estimates for travel first class and then I can use my credit card for tickets and take advantage of 2-for-1 ticket deals. I don’t have to save any receipts this way and submit them. I’m so bad at that. I don’t think I’ve ever done it once because I just don’t want to. But Julie is a type A person and she has been pulling some data from my AmEx bills to get me recompensed. ugh.

You are lucky you have the time. I love Dunk’n Donuts because there are about none in California anymore. In foreign countries I like to eat foreign food, which means McDonalds when there. Not exactly but sometimes. It’s usually room service. I love mom and pop places but I’m usually alone and not willing to take the risk. God, I took the risk in New Orleans last March and wound up unable to move for 2 days with food poisoning.

Tuna salad sandwiches and Tuna melts are my favorites. When I’m not eating red meat, you can get this at Subway and Togo’s and I have my favorite places at home. So I have one thing in common with you or your Gays.

We’re different. I never think about money. That goes back to before Apple. We had no money when we started. No savings, no car, no house, no nothing. I had to pay cash at my apartment because of bounced rent checks. We would make computers with 30 days credit on the parts and then sell them to a store for cash after 10 days. We made our first $10K that way. I don’t like money.

I had philosophies against having too much money, how it changes you and your ethics. I also had determined at a young age that nothing would change my strong sense of who I was or corrupt me. So when we had so much more money than anyone could need I resented it. I had not sought it. I had started the company reluctantly and only after first giving my computers away without any copyright or patents. I was not even 30. I started giving to every needy cause and started various museums and the like and put on some huge rock concerts and got divorced 3 times so you can trust that I don’t have all that much. I talked to friends at Apple about this after it went public and told them that my goal was to give to worthy causes until I had enough to be comfortable but not more than could ever be explained. I’m still in that mode although my accountant doesn’t like it. Frankly, I don’t think about money. I avoid it. I’m not frugal but I’m not excessive. I don’t think I’m excessive. But you can’t compare yourself to anyone else or it gets to be like a pissing contest.

I have keynoted at many shows like Comdex. I can’t remember I if did Comdex ever but I might have. One big appearance was in the ’90’s to the the national education computer conference, EduComm. It was to an audience of about 5,000 live. This was in Seattle, near Microsoft. But Seattle was a Macintosh school region. Bill Gates gave one keynote and was boring and got a polite applause when done. I got a standing ovation before and after my speech. They respect me but they won’t after my prank book, ha ha.

12 days before something (it’s Tuesday here),

—steve

—ok a new size tv

p.s. I got to ride a Segway on stage today!!!! This lady who used to be the CEO of HP in Taiwan had one there. I have to talk them into forming a Segway polo team but she said only about 6 people have Segways in Taiwan.

From: Kathy

Date: September 5, 2007 2:03:17 PM

To: Woz

Subject: Re: hi

Last year I wore this dress to the Creative Arts EMMYS that I’m going to “recycle” and wear to the primetime EMMYS this year in hopes that one of the magazines will do a “what was she thinking” picture. In Hollywood, it’s unheard of to be photographed in the same dress twice. What I didn’t realize was that I gained 10 pounds from last year. So now Entertainment Tonight doing a “can she get in to the dress by EMMYS” piece, so when we go talk to them on the red carpet, I’ll be in that fucking dress. As of 5 days ago, I could zip it up, but not sit in it. The point is, my work is much more important than yours.

The girls (Jessica and Tiffany) and I are very excited about the list of duties we have for you to do when you come to the house, while I’m getting hair and m/u done. Please bring your A game, because you have never quite seen a challenge like this. One of them is to put my favorites on my laptop in alphabetical order. Good luck, and just be yourself. I have been Google news-ing you every day lately. After I do my own name, of course. Some of the articles and interviews are so heady, I just laugh. To me, it’s almost like you speak another language, but a dead one like latin or Gaelic. Because it’s not just foreign, but difficult to me to even find a translator. I especially like the one about your crazy pine house that you’re building. But I like to sleep in 65 degrees, not 71. I mean, honestly, Steve. Sometimes I forget that I’m the brains of the operation, and you’re just some bimbo on my arm. XXOO, KG

From: Kathy

Date: September 8, 2007 10:28:07 PM

To: Woz

Subject: Guess what?

I won! I won! I won! Oh wait. Today I won the Creative Arts EMMY. What we’re going to next week is the primetime EMMYs. Hope this isn’t confusing. Xxoo, K

From: Kathy

Date: September 10, 2007 7:20:11 PM

To: Woz

Subject: Fwd: Kathy Griffin comment request

Steve-Oooh, I’m really in trouble now. Can you handle a real social outcast on your arm? XO, KG

From: Woz

Date: September 10, 2007 10:32:38 PM

To: Kathy

Subject: Re: Fwd: Kathy Griffin comment request

Short answer: yes

You are hardly a social outcast. You did get one-upped by Brittney Spears today.

Whenever I sense everyone going one way, I always try to oppose them with logic and facts, if there are any. I even signed a petition to the governor to pardon Paris Hilton because everyone was so upset that they wanted her punished just to hurt her and not out of logic as to whether it was fair and equal.

You entertain and you are at times irreverent? I totally love it. You had a good joke, even comment, about Jesus. I hate it when you tell a joke and people take it too seriously. That happens all the time.

The more I learn about you yourself the more I like it! I’m into genuine and that means saying things as they are. For the sake of art that offends at times. I’m also of a shy background and that means quiet and polite, which goes the other way.

Anyway, I may not be at your level but you will be surprised at what you find in me! I make sure it’s never predictable. If someone could predict what you’d say or do in any circumstance, then I’d change and try to do something else. Except that I’d eat a Big Boy Combo at Bob’s Big Boy.

I got the room I wanted here at Disney World. I wanted something near room 4404 and I got 4406. That’s HARD to do since it fills up on a first-come first-serve basis. I suspect that my assistant got the word to my hosts and the held the closest room they could. I never could reserve the rooms I wanted here in the past. I’d usually fly out a day or two ahead of my family to play games and switch rooms as other people departed and I’d sometimes get the right rooms. This time I think the Disney people, my hosts, helped. It’s late here but I’m still on CA time I told them.