Official Book Club Selection (34 page)

I hope you are floating and very happy as you fall asleep tonight. Just being close to this whole EMMY thing as it happened is one of the greatest things in my own life.

I feel a lot of the significance of the award with you and it’s almost overwhelming. I look forward to sharing fun times.

XOXO,

Steve

From: Kathy

Date: September 11, 2007 12:25:04 AM

To: Woz

Subject: Re: Fwd: Kathy Griffin comment request

I just had the crew from D-List over tonight for a poker night. It was really fun. A great group of guys. I regaled them with stories about how I’m making you alphabetize my favorites on Sunday. They want me to break all my gadgets and make you rebuild them. Your hotel number has to be a prime number stories are freaky. When I tell my friends, I tell them I’m trying to get you to like a whole new hotel number. Four, as in Four Seasons. Oh, my Steve Wozniak chunk is coming along nicely. I’m excited that you know who Britney is. I imagined Sunday would be me translating everything that’s happening around us, like you’re my foreign exchange student or Starman. I do not have any honorary doctorates. I only went to Jr college for 6 months and started working in commercials.

Do you understand, I guess it’s physiology? I have some very embarrassing questions for you. Not questions, so much, but a really weird thing to tell you. I started menopause a few months ago and I’m completely fascinated by the whole thing. I know, creepy. I have this cream that I put on my arms once a day. It’s called bio-identical hormone therapy. My hot flashes went away and my skin is clearing up and my period came back. I should delete that whole section, but I think you can handle it. I’m on the “Ellen” show tomorrow. I don’t know what time it’s on in Florida … I loved your email, as always. Have a funnel cake for me tomorrow. XXOO, KG

From: Woz

Date: September 11, 2007 1:10:16 AM

To: Kathy

Subject: Re: Fwd: Kathy Griffin comment request

I do plan on bringing you a small gift. It’s pre-made origami but with a nice wood stand. I hope you can appreciate origami.

I write all my dates as 2007.10.11 because it’s the only way they sort alphabetically into date order. You have to have all 4 year digits and 2 digits for the month and day, even if they are less than 10. It’s also logical to put the slowest changing part, the year, to the left. We put the slowest changing parts of numbers to the left.

Computers are so good for things like sorting. They can do millions of things a second. A human can only count about one number a second but a computer can do maybe a billion. (I can count from one to a million in less than a minute but I have to count by hundreds of thousands). Well, the first program I ever wrote was a chess problem and no answer came out and then I did a calculation which showed that I’d get an answer in ten to the 25th years, longer than the universe has been around.

Now what is the embarrassing question you had? It should be something that I even have a clue about.

As for bio-anything, very few people recognize that DNA is a stereoscopic isomer that can twist light and repolarize it, changing the color. A minor example is that a red laser spreads thorughout your finger but a green or yellow laser doesn’t. I can do a demo for you of how passing laser light through my body can change its color. I do this sometimes in speeches and it leaves the audience aghast. They sometimes ask if it well work on them as well and I hand them a laser and it does work. Beware of my lasers as they are used for sterilizing cattle and removing tattoos.

What the heck is a funnel cake??? I’m in Florida. is that at all like Key Lime Pie? Is it in the shape of a funnel? I will not be able to sleep now.

XOXO,

Steve

From: Kathy

Date: September 11, 2007 7:43:10 PM

To: Woz

Subject: Re:

You know how to send pictures from your iphone???

Kathy Griffin

From: Woz

Date: September 11, 2007 8:07:43 PM

To: Kathy

Subject: Re:

Experimental Prototype Community Of Tomorrow.

One of the worst acronyms ever.

The worst may have been PCMCIA cards for computers. Everyone just called them PC Cards in the end. Nobody knew what PCMCIA stood for. Two possibilities were Personal Computer Manfacturers Create Impossible Acronyms (I remembered that one) and People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms.

praying for you,

Steve

From: Kathy

Date: September 11, 2007 11:20:19 PM

To: Woz

Subject: Re: Re:

You didn’t have a funnel cake? Fried dough with powdered sugar on top? You are soulless.

Are you and Julie driving to LA Sat night or Sunday morning? You’re supposed to be at my house at noon. How fast can you type? If you can’t fix anything, maybe you can do some light dictation. XXOO, Kathy (big Jesus hater, but EMMY winner) Griffin

From: Woz

Date: September 12, 2007 1:43:45 AM

To: Kathy

Subject: Re: Re:

Sunday morning, departing at 5 AM.

I’m probably very slow now, like 40–50 wpm. But in high school, when almost no boys typed, I even took typing 2 and beat the girls. I was so motivated that I once typed a page of “the” and one of them was tne (with an ‘n’) and it was very hard to find. One bright kid used a piece of paper along each row and actually did find the tne rather quickly. But never does a boy beat the girls in typing on a real typewriter in typing 2.

best to the best, xxoo good (ssoo good in computer talk) Steve

From: Woz

Date: September 16, 2007 9:29:00 AM

To: Kathy

Subject: on the way

I’m trying to guess how long it takes to get there. Traffic should be pretty good on a Sunday but I’m afraid of speeding after my 104 mph ticket.

Just kidding. Besides, I drove the first leg and Julie is driving now. I’m using my laptop in the car. I have used my laptops to get online from the first laptops and cell phones, even before there was an internet to get onto. I’d just phone in and join my home network, which was interesting but there wasn’t much to do with only that. I love to do tethering but it’s not some weird sex thing. Tethering is getting your computer onto the internet anywhere through your cell phone. When the first cell phones came out with bluetooth (Sony Ericsson T68i changed the world for me!!!) I could take my laptop to a park and connect it to my phone with bluetooth (no tethering wire) and get through that phone to the internet. That was one of the biggest tastes of technical freedom in my life. No wires, online anywhere anytime.

In other countries, I get to the internet through my normal phones, RAZR or Blackberry or about any modern cell phone except the iPhone which doesn’t do tethering.

Except Japan never allowed the cell phone system of the rest of the world so no cell phones from other countries work there. Ugh.

We’ll check into our hotel first and brush and dress and all. I did the morning stuff at home. The morning stuff is mostly “sh” stuff—shower, shave, shampoo, shit, shirt, shorts (and socks, shoes, skirts …).

The best foods start with C. These are the foods sold at C food places, Convenience sores. Chocolate. Chips. Cookies. Cakes. Crackers. Cokes. Coffee. Caffeine. Cholesterol, Cheese, Cheetos, Cheese-Its, Caramel, Chardonnay, Chablis, Cerial, Coffee Cakes, etc.) Everything except PePPeroni Pizza.

xxoo steve

p.s. the planets are named after the days of the week. Or is it the reverse?

From: Kathy

Date: September 25, 2007 5:29:59 PM

To: Woz

Subject: Re: question …

I’m so thrilled that you are coming to Vegas, we are going to have a blast!

Are you going to bring Julie? You know I don’t think you can function on your own right? I’m just picturing you wandering around aimlessly in the San Jose airport in the Southwest Terminal wearing your orange tie, handing out 2 dollar bills.

I’ll have my girls coordinating with Julie regarding your insane room number request as I am sure you will have to have Room 2225 across from Room 4445 or some random mathematical bullshit. I have two shows that Friday night, 8:00 PM and 11:00 PM. You can come to either or neither, it’s up to you. I’ll probably invite 4 or 5 friends for the weekend. We can plan a few meals together, but in Vegas no attendance is ever mandatory so you can ultimately make your own schedule of course. I assume you watched the Ahmadinejad speech from Columbia yesterday. I hope you saw the part where he said there were no homosexuals in Iran. Upon hearing that I canceled my tour dates in Tehran, Tehran Heights and Tehran City at the Chuckle Hut.

Oh, by the way, I told People magazine, regarding our “engagement” that you did in fact give me a ring, that it was NOT an engagement ring, but it was a lovely gesture from a lovely man. I think that’s why they killed the story. Next week, I’ll tell them I’ve had my vagina pierced with the engagement ring and that it’s one billion carats. As if you can afford it.

XOXO

Kathy Griffin

From: Woz

Date: September 27, 2007 2:44 AM

To: Kathy

Subject: Re: hello

I’m not going to vote next year. I came to a conclusion during the Viet Nam war that voting didn’t help, that the bad results came from much more powerful forces of, basically money, and not from who was in office. Those forces acted on everyone who did get elected. I don’t hear much in the way of moral leadership anyway. If I accidentally register and vote it might be for someone weird. The few times I did vote I only voted for president and marked Libertarian for everyone else.

Well, I just got my wakeup call. I awoke 5 minutes before it and waited and waited and waited and they finally came through. I’m off to a speech an hour’s drive away. It’s a happy last day here.

xooooo steve woz

From: Woz

Date: October 3, 2007 8:52 PM

To: Kathy

Subject: Re: competition

I did major bedroom pickup the last couple of days. When I’m home for 2 days I rest heavely but if I get a 3rd or 4th day I’m ready to get into work mode. I picked up clothes that had been washed 2 years ago. So many of them were in bags (bachelors here) that they were totally wrinkled and have to be washed again. I got my closets sorted (I’ve expanded to using both walk-in closets and I have about as many saved pairs of shoes as any woman) but now that I’m filling them, I have to go through and have a serious throw-out/give-away action.

I also have to go through bathroom drawers that filled up with hotel soaps and toothbrushes and shavers and all. I used to criticize my friend Jim and his wife who took salt and pepper shakers from every restaurant and event, even non-replaceable fancy ones. But I can’t seem to pass up taking soap home from every hotel. I’ve probably taken 100 or more home this year and can truthfully say that I actually used one such bar, part way anyhow.

I’m off to pack and then leave at 5:30 AM for New York. I have no idea how long I’ll be gone but I think I have to get back for something coming up mid-month, like in Las Vegas. Oh, now I remember. Just kidding. People ask me if I’m serious when I say weird made-up things and I tell them “yes”. After a while I say “I’m always serious when I’m tricking someone.”

XOXO steve

From: Kathy

Date: October 4, 2007 1:44:08 AM

To: Woz

Subject: Re: competition

NY? I’m taking a red eye to Philly tomorrow night to do two shows in AC (that’s tour lingo for Atlantic City) Friday night. Then 2 shows Sat night in Storrs (sp?) Conn. What brings you to NYC? Are you going to throw shares of Apple stock from the roof of the Empire State building? Ah, spring cleaning. I envy you. I love organization of all kinds. Jesica and Tiffany are organizational whizzes, and it comforts me like a hug from Allah. I think you should give away all of your hotel soaps. Maybe Camp Woz? People who don’t get to stay in hotels go ape shit for hotel soaps. Wait, I just remembered, I haven’t Googlo news-d you today. Be back in a minute …

Jesus, you sure are on a lot of boards, and congratulations on making the Buffalo News. Ok, where were we? I wish you watched Oprah. It’s a television show, in a talk format where an omnipotent being, named Oprah solves everyone’s problems, as long as you play along with the premise that she is better than you. Anyway ahe did several shows about “hoarders” and I think you may be one. I’m thinking you were driven to be like this because some man did you wrong and one of your 87 cats died.

Oh, I did a photo shoot today for one of my favorite magazines. It’s called “Radar” and it’s very sarcastic and clever. I’m getting some sort of ironic award, which is a gold plated urinal, so we did a shoot with me acccepting it in a beautiful evening gown. So I was all done up in fancy hair and make up so I went to a fancy schmancy restaurant so as to not waste my beauty. There were lots of paparazzi, and crews. One of them is called TMZ.com and I’m pretty proud of a joke I came up with about us. They were asking m where my boyfriend Woz was, and if we were going to release a sex tape. So I said we were going to, but Steve Jobs offered us a billion dollars not to. Hope you likey.

XXOO, KG

From: Kathy

Date: October 28, 2007 1:15 PM

To: Woz

Subject: Re: At SFO

Pasadena this week??? Wanna get together, dinner of somehing? Xxoo KG

From: Woz

Date: October 29, 2007 12:27:05 AM

To: Kathy

Subject: Re: At SFO

Back to Pasadena, let’s please get together for dinner or anything. I’ll call you when I get down there. I don’t know our judging schedule but it’s pretty much all-day for a few days. I’m going to read the binder of submissions that I have tomorrow and make notes so I’ll be ready. Each year new members are inducted into the National Inventors Hall of Fame (people like Steve Jobs can’t qualify but ones like me can—you have to have done the real work and have patents) and we also select a Collegiate Inventor who wins some money. My judging is for the collegiate inventor. These collegiate researchers do some cutting edge stuff in genomics and other fields. I can’t even understand some of the quantum physics stuff they do.