Official Book Club Selection (38 page)

KG: I think the gays should be happy with this book. It talks a lot about being who you are, and I certainly mention a lot of gay people. I would say it definitely has strong gay themes, and the gay community should know that frankly it has been a moral struggle for me even to acknowledge the heterosexual community in this book at all. But I am slowly reaching out an olive branch to the heterosexual community, even though I believe everything they do goes against the teachings of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. But I’m trying not to judge them.

RH: Please, one more Brooke Shields story.

KG: No. I think I have more Brooke Shields stories in my book than in hers. What was that one she wrote in the ’80s about being a virgin? The Brooke Book, I think? Well, hell, I’m a virgin, too. I’m real scared of vaginal intercourse, because I’m just not ready yet. And someday I’m going to get my menstrual period. Now will you fuckers at Wal-Mart sell this book?

RH: You’ve done such an amazing job describing the sights, sounds, and aromas of incredibly bad dates. What are your methods of recall?

KG: Well, I studied serious acting at the Lee Strasberg Theatre and Film Institute, and they have an exercise there called sense memory. It means I am a much more serious actress than Meryl Streep, or her brother Joe Streep, the little-known Streep no one talks about. And what I cannot recall through my senses, I make up. So I’m a believer in the truth, the senses, and then making some shit up if you think it’s funnier than the truth.

RH: Everyone might be a little concerned that you have nice things to say about Jessica Simpson. Does an act of reflection like book writing soften memories slightly?

KG: Writing this book has definitely distorted my memories of certain celebrities, so it may surprise you who I have fond stories about. But also, come on, I do a lot of shit-talking about Steve Martin, who I guarantee you will never remember meeting me. Nor should he. But I’m kind of proud of that paragraph or two because I think it’s really out of left field. I’m hoping someone in Camp Martin will call him at some point and say, “Uh, there’s this really weird part in Kathy Griffin’s book where she just talks shit about you, Steve.” And then he’ll harrumph and go to a gallery opening with Lorne Michaels, and it’ll all be better.

RH: If we were to call the incomparable Maggie Griffin and ask her for her take on the stories about her in this book, what would she say?

KG: Maggie Griffin will deny like it’s Watergate. Or she will say, “I don’t recall.” She may actually get Nixon advisor John Dean’s wife Maureen to sit behind her like she did for the Watergate hearings. My mother proudly says that denial is in fact a river in Egypt, and she is on a canoe.

RH: Who did you decide wasn’t worth writing about in this book?

KG: I decided it wasn’t worth talking shit about talk show hosts, because they’re the only people in the book who can actually fuck me by not having me on their shows to promote the goddamn book. So all you talk show hosts, you know who you are, you know what you did, and you’re off the hook for now. I’d like a muffin basket from each one of you.

RH: Voltaire once wrote, “Work keeps at bay three great evils: boredom, vice, and need.” Do you care what Voltaire had to say?

KG: For a model she sounds like a really smart lady, and I think it’s great that she had so many things to say. So she’s supercool. I’m gonna sext her later.

RH: Do you consider yourself an inspiration to women everywhere?

KG: If by women you mean drag queens, then the answer is yes. I am an inspiration to women, he/shes, the LGBTQI community, and if you can tell me what the “Q” and the “I” are for, you get a handjob. But I do inspire them. “Q” might be “Queer.” It could also be “Query,” like you’re asking about which sex you’re going to be. And I’m not sure, but “I” has to be “Interesting.” As in, “Check that one. Interesting!” But look, I’m not putting anyone in a box, so gays, stop your letter-writing campaigns right now. I think you’re all great. I don’t care if you have a penis or a vagina or a pagina, or a venis. You’re all great. You’re all fabulous.

RH: What do you say to those who think women aren’t funny?

KG: I know you’re talking about Jerry Lewis, so I say, “Bring it on, old man. And don’t forget your meds.” Look, all female comics battle the chicks-aren’t-funny stigma, all day and all night, and mostly at night. All I can tell you is that no one makes me laugh in my life more than my girlfriends. When I think about those times as a kid when I was in my pjs at a girl sleepover—I’m talking to you, Patty Sapienza—they would have me on the floor in stitches, everything from making fun of the popular girls—I’m talking to you, Mary O’Hanrahan—to impersonating the meanest of nuns. (I’m talking to you Sister … I’m still too afraid to say your name.) So I don’t know where that bullshit about women not being funny came from. Whoever says chicks aren’t funny has not seen my aunt Irene on Christmas Eve with a few Tom Collins in her singing “Danny Boy,” because that’s some hilarious shit.

RH: Describe your ideal, make-a-wish day of personal experiences with batshit celebrities.

KG: Well, it would start with some sort of a fit in the hair-and-makeup trailer on a set. I heard a story that when Sharon Stone was working on Casino, she got into such a fight with her hairdresser, that after he spent four hours doing this beautiful bouffant hairdo for her, she got up and walked to the sink and put her head under water. I have no idea if that’s true, but I hope it is, cause that’s some awesome shit I would love to see. Then it would go right to lunch, where I could witness an eating disorder. Maybe a Lohan is purging in a bush somewhere with her finger down her throat. Or perhaps there’s an Olsen twin on a scale crying because she finally tipped 100. Any outburst over weight I would cherish. Also, it would be great to see an actress have a workload meltdown. So maybe at 2 p.m. some A-lister saying, “I can’t handle this shit anymore.” Because I love when actors can’t deal with a normal workday, and they think two in the afternoon is like midnight, so I would love to see somebody storming to their car, exhausted because they’ve put in a grueling four-hour workday of saying three lines and texting their nanny. Then it’s maybe off to an illicit affair. At the top of my wish list would be following a rapper or a football player over to his baby mama’s house where a screaming match ensues to the point where someone, maybe me, has to anonymously dial 911, and then I take a couple pictures, and I become an unannounced star witness later at the trial, entering Joan Collins–style in a smashing hat. And then at the end of the day it’s a healthy round of clubbing with Janice Dickinson, and then on the way home we go to the Beverly Glen pharmacy and run into Paula Abdul. All three of us secretly take our small white-paper pharmacy bags and put them behind our backs and make uncomfortable small talk. And then we go back to Andy Dick’s house and Janice, Paula, and I fuck the shit out of him.

RH: Everyone from Mac-heads to Dancing with the Stars fans want to know, what was up with your relationship with billionaire Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak?

KG: Turns out I was banging Steve Jobs the whole time, but I have a really good reason for it, which I’ll have to go into in the next book.

1. Kathy’s Irish Catholic grandfather left his wife when she wouldn’t bear any more children for him. What other ways is organized religion completely fucked?
   

2. Kathy grew up in a home where drinking was prevalent, encouraged, and embraced. How many of you are drunk right now? Did you know Two Buck Chuck is for sale at Trader Joe’s today? Can you pick up Maggie on your way there, please?
   

3. Catholic school was a source of emotional pain and fear for Kathy, but she rose above it by talking shit to mean girls’ faces. Did Jesus start weeping for Kathy then? Or much later, after he was told to suck it on national television? Or is Jesus too busy dealing with Lindsay Lohan—not to mention Ali—to care about what Kathy says?
   

4. Kathy watched a lot—I mean, A LOT—of television growing up. If the average American child watches eight hours of television a day, how is it that Kathy managed to watch twenty-seven hours a day? Could Kathy have a superpower? Is there anything you used to do for hours on end that’s made you who you are? Besides masturbating?
   

5. When she was in high school, Kathy gravitated toward gays. Did you go to high school? Are you gay? Have you experimented? Are you what Oprah would refer to as “on the down low”? How often and why?
   

6. Kathy openly discusses a binge-eating disorder that plagued her for years. Have you ever struggled with such a disorder? Do you want to go to Costco later?
   

7. Kathy has a thing for donuts: hot, sugary donuts. And a thing for donut fryers, as unpleasant as that sounds. Would she have become nearly as famous and successful if she had been really into tofu? Or arugula? Or sushi? Would she have fucked a sushi chef?
   

8. When Kathy discovered stand-up, she found her calling. Do you think you’re funny enough to do stand-up comedy? Well, you’re not. Bye now.
   

9. Kathy blew her audition for Saturday Night Live and ruined her shot at being a neglected female cast member on a famous TV sketch show. When have you blown your big chance? Have you ever wondered what it is that makes Lorne Michaels cast people like A. Whitney Brown?
   

10. In the chapter “Brooke Shields, Don’t Read This,” Kathy tells stories about television and beauty icon Brooke Shields. Do you have an icon of beauty and perfection in your life who you try to learn from? Are you Brooke Shields? If you are Brooke Shields, did you go ahead and read this, even though you were told not to? How often and why?
    

11. Kathy was once unwittingly privy to the sight of Rodney Dangerfield’s balls. Have you ever been scarred by the accidental sight of someone’s genitals who wasn’t a member of Young Hollywood? Is Congress doing enough about this issue?
    

12. Kathy writes that, to this day, Jerry Seinfeld is the A-lister who’s taken her jabs with the most grace and humor. Is this because Jerry is secretly in love with Kathy, and obviously miserable in his sham of a marriage, going so far as to have children with that woman simply to make Kathy jealous? Has this ever happened with you and Jerry Seinfeld?
    

13. In the chapter “Nip/Fucked,” Kathy Griffin details her many experiences with plastic surgery, including a near-death occurrence from liposuction. Have you had any work done? Did it help you advance in your chosen field? Would you like me to ask again, Nicolette Sheridan? I mean, Arnold Schwarzenegger? I mean, Barack Obama? Okay, it’s just a hunch. I’m pretty sure he only gets a little Botox now and then.
    

14. Kathy felt really good about herself when Howard Stern told her on his show that he’d bang her. Who makes you feel positive and uplifted by declaring they’d like to nip/fuck you every which way?
    

15. Kathy has been banned from many talk shows. How do you feel Barbara Walters has managed to hide her pain about dealing with life without Kathy day in and day out? Have you seen Barbara send secret messages to Kathy over the airwaves, begging her to come back on The View? And even go so far as to signal Kathy through various hand gesticulations, hoping that Kathy will come to Barbara’s apartment one evening and spoon together in her big bed?
    

16. While many reality stars complain that they were “edited” to come off like horrible people, Kathy maintains that she has been edited on My Life on the D-List to look nicer than she is. Can you imagine what a bitch she must be in real life? Have you ever known such a big old bitch as Kathy Griffin?
    

17. Kathy coined the phrase “the D-list,” and happily claims it’s where she resides. What lists are you on and why? Are you honest about it? Come on, girl. Are you happy with your list? Do you really want to be on the A-list? Because if you do, Kathy can send someone over to rifle through your trash, take a picture of you with no makeup on, and videotape you banging the nanny. How do you like your A-list now?
    

18. Kathy has vigorously campaigned for the right for gay people to be married. However, since her own divorce, she is vehemently against heterosexual marriage, and feels it should be made illegal. Do you think these two beliefs are at odds?
    

19. When Kathy told everyone that Dakota Fanning was in rehab, she sparked a shitstorm, even though she was making a joke. When will it be okay to say that the Octomom’s children are in rehab? Soon? Please? Do you know someone who you’d like to be in rehab whether they need it or not just because they annoy you?
    

20. When Kathy says she doesn’t drink, she’s fucking serious. She doesn’t drink, so quit offering her one. What do you avoid because it tastes disgusting, ruins lives, and turns loved ones into raving lunatics? But also, what do you abuse? Because nobody’s perfect. Have you seen Kathy with a cake?
    

KATHY GRIFFIN, a multi–Emmy Award–winning and Grammy-nominated comedian and actress, is best known for her Bravo television reality show Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, her multiple stand-up comedy specials on HBO, Comedy Central, and Bravo, and her four-year stint on the NBC sitcom Suddenly Susan. She has hosted several award shows and appeared on numerous talk shows including Late Night with David Letterman, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and The View. She has been nominated for a Grammy for her comedy CD, For Your Consideration, and performs to sold-out audiences at venues worldwide.

www.kathygriffin.net