On the Edge (14 page)

“What do you mean?  I was at my parents’ packing my stuff,” I cry.

“Bullshit.  You were out fucking around, weren’t you?  Don’t fucking lie to me!”

“Tommy, I swear, I was with my parents.  See,” I point to my bag, “I brought my bag.”

Before I know it, he has his hands on my shoulders and I’m pinned against the wall.  His face is right in front of mine, our noses touching.  “You better listen and listen well; I’m not playing games with you.  You are my woman and you listen to me.  When I leave, you are to follow behind me.  Your dad disrespected me and you allowed it by staying behind.”

“I didn’t mean to give the impression that I didn’t respect you, Tommy.  I just wanted to stay so I could get my stuff so I could finish moving in with you.  That’s all, I swear,” I say as I begin to sob.

Tommy presses his lips against mine, hard.  He kisses me so hard that his teeth make my lip bleed.  He begins to take my clothes off at an extremely fast pace.

“Tommy, no, please, I don’t want to make love.”

I push him away and he steps back.  His eyes are wild and full of something I’ve never seen before.  This side of Tommy scares me.  He doubles up his fist and I place my hands over my face praying he doesn’t hit me.  I hear the wind pass by my head as his fist goes through the drywall beside my head.  He turns and grabs his car keys and leaves.  I’m left holding my stinging face and wondering what the hell happened to my Tommy.

Chapter
Eleven

 
I stand under the shower head as water pours down on me.  The warm water feels so good against my body.  Tommy is still gone and isn’t answering his phone. His mood swings not only scare me but they leave my body hurting.  Could he just be freaking out because of the babies or is he really on drugs like Jason and I suspect.  I don’t know how to please him if he won’t talk to me.  My tears blend in with the water that falls down my face. 

My hands are wrinkly and the water is becoming cold.  I turn the shower off and wrap my body in a towel.  I look at myself in the mirror.  I have a hand-shaped bruise on my face.  “Ouch,” I breathe as I place my hand over it.  It hurts.  I don’t understand why he hit me.  Am I that horrible of a fiancée?  Did I really disrespect him?  I glance down at the countertop and see a powdery substance on the edge.  What is this?  It wasn’t there this afternoon before I left for my appointment.
  Damn it!  There’s my answer; Tommy’s on drugs.  What else can this be if not residue from drugs? 

How do I bring this up to Tommy without him flipping his gourd on me?  I need to find out when he’s high and when he’s not and talk to him.  I have to be a grown up and give him the benefit of the doubt to change, even though all I want to do is go home and leave Tommy for good.
 

I dress in a pair of pajama shorts and a tank top and make my way out to the living room.  The house is too quiet; it’s an eerie silence.  I can’t call anyone.  Calling my parents would admit that I was wrong and I can’t handle that right now.  Katherine will open her mouth to Michael and then my parents would find out.  I’m utterly and hopelessly alone except for these two babies growing under my heart.  I turn the television on for the picture and turn my iPo
d on for sound.  ‘Brokenhearted’ by Karmin begins to play as I lay on the couch with a throw blanket over me.  I finally let my tears flow as freely as they like as I drift off to sleep.

I’m awakened by the closing of the front door and the sound of Tommy emptying his pockets.  I have no idea what time it is but an infomercial is on television.  He walks over to where I lie and kneels to the ground.  He pulls the hem of my shirt up and puts his lips on my belly.  He’s mumbling something to the babies, but I can’t make out what he’s saying.  He continues to talk and gently rub my exposed belly.  He gives it one final kiss and turns his head to face me.  His eyes are filled with tears but they are the eyes of my Tommy and not the monster I saw earlier.  I love this man.  This is the man that loves me and our babies and does everything he can to keep us safe and cared for. 

“I’m so sorry, angel,” he cries, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

I place my hand on his face, “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me.  You’re just under stress.”

He shakes his head, “You’re under stress too and you haven’t behaved as I have.  Abigail, I am so sorry.  Please, forgive me.”

“Tommy, I forgive you.  I lov
e you more than you can imagine but we need to talk.”

He looks at me but doesn’t say a word.  I continue to talk.  “Tommy, after my shower tonight I found white residue on the counter in the bathroom.  Are you doing drugs?”

He looks confused and angry at the same time.  “No, Abby, I’m not on drugs.  That was baby powder.  I use it to keep from chaffing when it’s hot.”

I
don’t know why, but I believe him.  I know a lot of people that use powder to prevent rashes when it’s warm outside.  “Ok, Tommy.  Thank you for clearing that up.  I’m sorry I suspected drug use.”

“
I understand why you would think it was drugs, Abby.  But I wouldn’t do that.  I wouldn’t do anything that would risk you leaving me.  I don’t know what I would do without you.  You’re my world,” he says before placing his lips against mine and lifting me in his arms.  He carries me to the bedroom, never taking his eyes off of mine.  He lays me on the bed and trails kisses from my neck to my chest.

“Abigail, I love you more than life itself and I promise to keep you and our babies safe as long as I live,” he says before making love to me.

             
            
 
*   *   *

The sunlight is beaming in through the blinds in the room.  I reach over looking for Tommy but my arms don’t find him.  All they find is an empty spot where he’s supposed to be.  I start to get up when the bedroom door opens.

“Lay back down, angel,” Tommy says, “I brought you breakfast in bed.”

He brings over a wooden tray with a plate of pancakes, bacon and eggs on it.  Behind the plate is a glass of orange juice and a vase with a single red rose in it.  He places the tray over my legs and gives me a sweet kiss over the bruise on my cheek.

“I’m so sorry about hurting you last night, Abigail.  It will never happen again.  I promise.”

“I believe you, Tommy.  You didn’t mean to do it.”

“No, I didn’t baby.  I would never set out to hurt you.  Honestly, I think the stress of hearing that we created two babies and then your dad’s overreaction to the situation just set me off.  I really do love you and I am determined to protect you guys,” he says as he reaches out and rubs my belly.

I begin to eat my breakfast, though my stomach is turning, while Tommy gets ready for work.  He is such a beauty in his raw form.  Walking around the room, naked, as he collects the items he needs for his morning shower.  God, a girl could get used to waking up to this every morning; breakfast in bed and a strip show. 

After Tommy leaves, I get up to wash the dishes from breakfast.  He didn’t have time to get to them before he had to leave for work.  Just as I am putting away the last clean dish, my cell phone rings.  I see that it’s Michael calling.  I quickly dry my hands and slide the screen to answer it.

“Hey Michael,” I say excitedly.

“So, when were you going to tell me that you got yourself knocked up?” He sounds a little upset.

“Well, I was going to tell you yesterday but things sort of blew up at Mom and Dad’s house.”  Who told Michael that I’m pregnant?  Who cares, it doesn’t really matter anyways. 

“Yea, I heard that the little punk decided to disrespect Dad.  Abigail, we have always been a close family.  How, in God’s name, have you gone so far off the path?”

“Michael, I don’t need this shit now.  My life has been flipped upside down the past few days and I can’t take another verbal beating by someone in my family.”

“What do you mean?”

“Dad has screamed and yelled at me twice this week.  Not to mention Katherine and I had a bit of a misunderstanding.  I don’t need to hear shit from you too.”

He sighs, “I’m sorry, sis.  You need someone to talk to not lecture you.  I’m sorry.  So, will you be here on Saturday for my graduation?”

Shit, his graduation.  Will my face be healed by then?  I need to come up with an excuse for not being able to make it.

“I’ll try to be there, Michael.  Right now, I’m really sick most of the day and I may not be able to make the drive there and back without being sick.  Did Mom and Dad tell you that I’m having twins?”

“Yes, I heard that there are two little Abby’s in there.  When do you find out if they are boys or girls or both?”

“I’m not sure.  Right now, they look like little blobs with arms and legs.”

“Well, I would love to be with you and Tommy when you guys find out the gender.  I’m sure Katherine would want to be there too.”

“I’ll let you guys know when we know.  I have to go now.  I need to get ready and go shopping for some new clothes.  I love you.”

“I love you too, Abby.  You know you can call me anytime you need anything, right?”

Those damn tears start to fall again.  Why is it that I seem to cry all the time?  How can anyone find pregnant women attractive when all we ever do is cry? 
“Yes, I know Mike.  I’ll call if I need anything.”

“Okay, have a great day, sis.”

I hang up.  I feel a little guilty about not making it to his graduation this weekend.  Maybe my face will heal enough and I’ll be able to drive up there, I think, as I walk toward the bathroom to put some make up over the bruise.  My pants are getting too snug and I need to go shopping for that belly band that my mother told me about and some stretchy sleep clothes.

I only spent half the money Mom gave me on clothes and
having my prescription filled.  I take the other half of the cash and put it in the back of my wallet so that I have it in case I need anything else in the future.  I head back to the kitchen to start dinner.  On the menu tonight is spaghetti, bread and salad.  I’m just draining the spaghetti noodles when Tommy walks in the front door. 

“Hi baby, how was your day?”

“Eh, it was another day and another dollar.  Something smells good.”

“Thank you.  Why don’t you go wash your hands while I finish up in here and your plate should be ready by the time you’re done.”

“Sounds good babe,” he says as he kisses my cheek and heads toward the bathroom to take a quick shower before dinner. 

                          
 
*   *   *

T
ommy comes out wearing his sleep pants and a black t-shirt.  His hair is wet and messy looking.  He takes his place at the nook just as I’m placing his plate on the mat.  I place my plate on my mat and take a seat next to him.  I finish eating in silence but Tommy only ate half of his portion.

“Do you not like it?” I inquire.

“No, I’m just not hungry.  It’s probably just stress and nerves.”

“Ok, I’ll clear the plates and start dishes.  Why don’t you go relax on the couch and watch television and unwind.”

“Are you telling me what to do?” he questions my intentions angrily.

“No, I was just suggesting you rest.  You’ve had a busy day today and you should prop your feet up and enjoy being home.”

“Fine, I’m going to go to the living room,” he snaps.

I think about his mood swings as I clean up the dinner mess.  He
was a total monster last night; sweet this morning and now he’s grouchy.  I just don’t understand what’s going on with him.  He says he’s not on drugs but I’m beginning to doubt him.  Can I live my life with a man whose temperament is like a rollercoaster ride?  I push the thought out as I glance down at my growing belly.  I have to try as hard as I can for the sake of these two innocent lives.

I walk out to the living room to find Tommy asleep on the couch.  I gently shake him awake.  “Baby, why don’t you go crawl in bed?” I suggest to him.

“Why do you always bother me?  I was sleeping just fine here,” he barks at me.

“I’m sorry.  I just thought you would be more comfortable in bed.”

“Fine, I’ll go to bed and you can sleep out here for all I care!” And he storms off to the room.

What the hell is his issue?  It’s probably better for me to just sleep on the couch tonight.  I watch television for a bit before going to the bedroom for a pillow.  I just don’t understand Tommy.  What the hell am I supposed to do?  I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with this man.  Maybe I should reconsider moving back in with my parents or, at least, taking a break from Tommy and go stay with them for a few nights. Unfortunately, I can’t go anywhere until this bruise heals.  I can’t risk my dad seeing and flipping out on me and hurting Tommy.  If my face has healed by Saturday, I will go to my parents and ride with them to Michael’s graduation and stay with them for a few nights to give Tommy a break from me and all my wrong-doings.

Chapter Twelve

The week passes with no more outbursts from Tommy.  He’s tired most nights, but his mood has been stable.  We finally have a routine here.  We’re up at six o’clock and I cook us breakfast and he leaves at a quarter to eight for work and I clean house and plan dinner for the night.  When he comes home, we eat and talk about our day, watch a little television and are in bed by nine o’clock.  I love routines since I am a creature of habit. 

Tommy comes through the door a little after five o’clock.  I have dinner prepared and his plate on his mat by the time he’s done with his shower.  He gives me a passionate kiss before sitting down to eat.  I take this time to inform him that I will be going to my parents’ tonight so I can attend my brother’s graduation tomorrow.  “Tommy, I’m going to stay with my parents this weekend.”

He drops his fork and looks at me, “Why are you going to do that?”

I swallow. “Well, Michael is graduating tomorrow and I want to attend it.  This is a big achievement for him and I want to be a part of that day.”

“Is that Jason guy going to be there?”
he questions me suspiciously.

Oh shit, he just had to bring Jason up.  “Well, Jason is graduating tomorrow too,” I say in a small voice.

“Fuck!  I know what you’re doing.  You’re seeing him on the side, aren’t you?  Are those babies even mine?!” Tommy questions aggressively.

“Oh my God, Tommy, are you really questioning whether these babies are yours or not?  Is that where our relationship is now?  Of course these babies are yours.  You are the only man that I have ever been with.”

“I’m out of here!  Do whatever you fucking want to do.  I don’t care anymore!” He shouts as he stands up to leave.

“Tommy, please don’t go.  I’ll stay home if you like and we can have a weekend together.”

He puts his wallet in his back pocket and is grabbing his jacket, “No, fuck you.  I’m going out,” he says as he opens the front door and storms out.

I sit there pleading with the tears to stay put.  I grab our dirty dishes and take them to the kitchen.  I decide on using the dishwasher tonight because I just want to get out of here.  I hate being here alone and I don’t know when Tommy will be home or if he’ll be angry or not.  Since I have clothes at my parents there’s nothing to pack. I grab my purse, phone and keys and head out. 

I pull in the driveway a little after seven.  My dad is home since he took the weekend off for Mike’s graduation.  I sit in my car praying that he is in a better mood than he was on Monday.  I really don’t want to go from one hostile environment to another.  I finally find my strength and make my way to the front door.  I use my house key to let myself in.

“Hey guys, I’m home,” I yell as I enter the house.

“Hey princess, how have you been?” Dad asks.

Wow, he’s no longer mad at me.  It’s the relief that I need.  No more walking on eggshells or being yelled at.  This is a safe haven for me.
  “I’ve been alright, Dad.  I’ve missed you and Mom.”

“We’ve missed you too, baby.”

“Where’s Mom?”

“I think she’s taking a shower.  Why don’t you sit here with your old man and shoot the breeze?”

“Ok Dad, what do you want to talk about?”

“College, when do you plan on enrolling?”

I can’t go to college and care for two babies.  This is going to end in a fight, I know it!

“Dad, I have babies coming at the beginning of next year.  I can’t manage school and raising two babies.”

“Yes you can, Abby.  Hear me out.  You can get one semester of college in before the rug rats are born and then you can take a semester off to recover and adjust.  You can go back next summer and your mom and I will babysit the kids and help you out while you do what you have to do in order to finish college.  I’m still willing to pay for school for you.  You have no excuses to not go to college and better yourself so you can provide more for those babies.”

The tears begin to swell.  If I talk they will fall over the dam and I don’t know when they would ever stop.  I get up and wrap my arms around my dad’s neck.  He surprises me by hugging me back and whispering, “I’ll always love you; nothing you do will ever change that, little princess.”

              I feel my mom’s arms wrap around me as the dam opens and the tears start to flow.  I am so lucky to have such amazing parents.  They never hold a grudge for long and they always remind me how much I am loved.  Dad continues to hold me as Mom leaves for the kitchen.  I sit in my dad’s lap and just cry while he holds me.  His touch lets me know that I am safe and loved. 

             
When Mom walks back in, she’s carrying a cup of cocoa for me.  I get up and sit on the couch and drink my cocoa that has just the perfect amount of mini marshmallows on the top.  Mom sits next to me and puts her arm around my shoulders.

             
“You know we can’t stay mad at you for long, baby girl.  We’ve had time to think and we’ve talked to Michael.  We want to turn your brother’s room into a nursery for the babies for when they visit and, when they get older, we will turn your room into a play area.  We want those babies to be a part of our life.  And, Abby, we are keeping your room just as it is because we want you and those babies here in our home where you have help.  You can stay here part of the time if you want to continue to stay with Tommy too.”

             
“Oh, Mom, that would be great!  I would love for you guys to be active in their lives.  They are going to need their grandparents just as much as they are going to need their parents.”

             
“I’m so glad you agree.  We already love those babies just as much as we love you.”

             
I give my mom a hug, “I’m going to head to bed Mom.  I love you and I’m glad I’m still welcome here.”

             
I walk in my room and it’s just the way I left it.  This room gives me peace and that’s exactly what I need right now.  I grab some clothes from my drawer to sleep in and begin to undress.  I stand in front of my mirror in just my panties and bra.  My belly has definitely grown in the past few weeks.  It’s round and hard.  I run my hands over it and imagine what my babies look like in there.  These little ones were not expected but are definitely wanted. 

             
I finish changing and crawl into bed.  I think of Tommy and all of the stress I’ve been under this week.  Maybe we need our time apart.  Life has changed dramatically for the both of us and he doesn’t seem to be handling it well.  I think of my babies and tomorrow’s festivities as I drift off to sleep.

                                        
 
*   *   *

              I am awakened fairly early by my phone vibrating across my nightstand.  I reach over and look at the locked screen.  I have 2 missed calls and a text message from Tommy.  Why the hell is he calling me?  He sure acted like a jerk last night.  I figured I wouldn’t hear from him for a few days.

             
I wish you would answer your phone. 

             
I check the times that he called.  No wonder why I didn’t answer the calls.  Both calls were after two in the morning.  Does he really think I’m up waiting for him to call all night long?  He’s sadly mistaken.  I decide to respond to him. 

             
I didn’t answer my phone because I was sleeping like a normal person does at that hour.  I’ll come over tomorrow evening.

With that, I’m up and starting my day.  Since I’m up so early, I decide to call Katherine and see if she wants to head to Bayford earlier so she can spend time with Michael before graduation.

              “Hey, are you awake?” I ask her as she answers the phone.

             
“I am now,” she grumbles. “ What’s up, Abigail?”

“I was just wondering
if you wanted to go to Bayford earlier.”

“Oh, yes, definitely.  What time do you want to leave?”

“Well, I just woke up and have to shower, but I can be at your house about nine o’clock.”

“That’s only an hour from now.  Don’t you realize it takes an hour just to do my make-up and I still need to shower and do my hair?”

“Well Katherine, I’m leaving in about an hour.  You can shower and do your hair before I get there and do your make-up in the car or you can wait until my parents leave tonight.  The choice is yours.”

She sighs, “Fine, pick me up on your way out.  I’ll deal with make-up that looks like a child did it because you hit every pot hole in the road.  I swear, you do that shit on purpose, Abigail!”

I giggle and hang up.  She’s the same old Katherine.  I miss her and can’t wait to see her.  I go to grab clothes from my closet and realize that I forgot my larger shirts at home and all I have is the shirt I wore last night.  I open my closet to grab a clean pair of jeans and realize there are maternity shirts hanging in there.  My mom must have picked them up this week because she knew I wouldn’t remember to bring a change of clothes.  I love my mom. 

After my shower, I realize that I’m ready in less than thirty minutes.  I told Katherine one hour and I can’t leave before then without hearing a bunch of drama from her so I make my way to the kitchen for something to eat.  Mom and Dad are at the dining table eating their breakfast.
  “Hey baby, why don’t you join us?” Mom says.

She’s made a breakfast casserole with egg, ham, potatoes and biscuits in it.  It smells amazing and, since I started taking my prescribed medications, my morning sickness has subsided.  I decide that my mom’s breakfast casserole is a much better choice than a yogurt and banana.

              Mom is filling my plate while I grab a glass of milk.  It feels so good to be eating with my parents again.  I missed them.  “So what are you doing up so early?” Dad asks.

“I couldn’t sleep so I thought I would get ready and head to Bayford to see Michael before graduation.”

“Are you taking Katherine with you?” he almost pleads.

“Yes Dad, I called her and she’ll be ready to go soon.”

“Good!  I love that girl but she’ll be the death of me.  What is it with her and screaming the words to every song, Abigail?”

A giggle escapes, “I don’t know Dad, just something weird that she’s done as long as I’ve known her.”

He rolls his eyes and a grunt comes out of his mouth and Mom and I both laugh.  Dad is judgmental sometimes but it’s funny. 

When breakfast is done, I decide to help Mom with the dishes.  As I stand my dad looks at me with a little twinkle in his eye.
  “Abigail you’re already starting to show,” he says.

“Yea, it seems that way.  None of my old clothes fit anymore and the belly just keeps getting bigger.”

“Well, I think your mom and you need to go shopping tomorrow for some new clothes.  We can’t have you wearing clothes that don’t fit, now can we?”

“Are you sure, Dad?  I don’t want you to feel you have to take care of me and the babies because I know how hard you work for what money you have.”

“Abigail, knock it off.  You’re my baby and you’re carrying my grandbabies.  It’s my job to care for you guys until you and Tommy figure things out and get on your feet.  I’m not going to make you three suffer when I can easily help.  I prefer that you leave him, but it has to be your choice and I’m not going to make you or the babies suffer while you figure life out.”

I go around and hug my dad, hard, around his neck.

“Ok Abby, if you strangle me then I can’t help you guys.”

I laugh as I release him from my hug.  I’m out of the house fifteen minutes later than I expected to be.  I’m sure Katherine will enjoy the extra time she has to finish making herself proper for Michael.

Katherine is standing outside, ready to go, when I pull up in her driveway. 

“You’re late,” she says as she climbs in the passenger seat.

“I know.  I ate breakfast with my parents.  Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.  It gave me enough time to put my face on so I didn’t have to do it in the car.  I’ll need a touch up before Mike graduates tonight, but it looks good right now.”

“Katherine, you’d look good with nothing on your face and wearing a paper bag.  You need to quit beating yourself up over how you look.”

“Aww thank you Abigail, y
ou’re a great friend.  Oh, I see your belly is growing.  I can’t wait to see the babies next year.  You’re going to be a terrific mom.”

I give her a smile as we head toward the freeway.  Katherine is twiddling with my iPod looking for the song she wishes to screech to.  I am a bit scared when I hear
the music for ‘California Gurls’ by Katy Perry start playing.  Katherine always screeches
and
dances to this song.  I glance over as the lyrics start and, sure enough, she’s sitting in her seat moving her butt around while dancing with her arms and belting out the lyrics.  Yes, I am sure that she will never be a famous singer, maybe a comedian, but definitely not a singer.

We pull into the apartment complex thirty minutes later.  The guys live off campus in a nice, two-bedroom apartment.  Katherine is so excited to see my brother that she tries to get out of the car without unbuckling her seatbelt.  A giggle escapes my lips.  She shoots me a playfully evil look and whispers, “No one better ever hear about that.”