Our Favourite Indian Stories (18 page)

'Fine! This evening we'll welcome the New Year in your home as all the
burra sahibs
do in big hotels. Singing and embracing each others' wives at the midnight hour. Can I also invite Gupta on your behalf?' Gupta was the second typist. He sat in another room which he shared with the two other clerks. Gupta was incharge of receiving and sorting out the mail; the other was responsible for the despatch.

'Sure!' replied Kapoor expansively.

Kapoor came home a little earlier than usual carrying the bottle of Scotch in his attache case. He was not prepared for the tongue-lashing his wife gave him. 'Did you have to bring this destroyer of families in our own home? And drink the evil stuff in the presence of children! New Year? What the hell is this New Year? Today is the thirty-first and there is neither a vegetable nor a scrap of biscuit nor anything else to eat in the house. I am ashamed of asking the grocer for another loan. Only yesterday I told him I would not be buying anything more this month and asked him to make out our bill so that I could clear his account by the first. We already owe him hundred and eighty-three rupees. If we took another loan your guests will eat it up. They will go back merrily to their homes but what will we live on? You want us to eat at the free kitchen in the gurdwara all of the next month? New Year indeed! These fads are for the idle rich, people who frequent five-star hotels. We have barely enough to fill our bellies and never a paisa to spare. Only I know how I count every paisa to spread it out over thirty days!'

What was poor Kapoor to do? If you put your head in the jaws of a crocodile you cannot hope to escape without a scratch! He tried to explain in his softest tone: 'My good woman! This New Year is an English festival exactly like our
Baisakhi
or
Diwali
.' But the good woman was beyond reasoning and refused to understand.

Exactly at quarter to eight the two men arrived accompanied by their wives and their brood of children. The women and children went into the inner room. Normally, children could be expected to create an uproar, but being clerks' offsprings they clung to their mother's aprons and whimpered like little pups. In any case it was a very cold evening, and their mother could not get rid of them by ordering them to go out to play.

In the sitting-room the men were gathered around the bottle of Scotch. With it they nibbled salted peanuts. Inside, their women folk compared the prices of potatoes.

'In any event Kapoor
Sahib
owed us a feast for his promotion, ' remarked Vashisht. Kapoor expanded like an inflated balloon. However, he pulled a long face and replied, 'What kind of promotion,
yaar!
Promotion is when there is an increase in one's salary. All I have got is increase of work. I used to get to the office at 10.30 in the morning and leave at 4.30 in the evening. Now I have to report at the Minister's residence at 7.45 and stay upto 8 or 9. I don't have to tell you all this. '

'To hell with the work, Mr. Kapoor! Your sphere of influence has increased, your status risen to new heights!' remarked Gupta. 'Lots of things happen to people who occupy your chair. You recall that fellow called Sood? Narinder Sood was his full name. He used to sit in the same chair. It must have been about eight years ago when a licence applied for by a Bombay firm got stuck somewhere in the files of the Ministry. The firm's chaps had been going round and round for weeks but the Minister was like a duck which would not let a drop of water stay on its back. Utterly defeated, these Bombay Johnnies came to Sood's house and fell at his feet. This Sood fellow performed such jugglery that before the months was over, the licence was cleared. It was entirely Sood's handiwork. The Bombay people worked out that each visit to Delhi cost them five to six thousand rupees. So why not employ Sood to do the work for them? They persuaded him to resign his job and made him their Resident Executive Director in Delhi. They gave him an air-conditioned office and a spacious apartment. Now Mr. Sood and his pretty private secretary travel in a chauffeur-driven car. They make the rounds of different offices handing out invitation cards for dinner. He dines out every night with officials at swanky hotels like the Oberoi, the Taj or the Maurya. Every month lakhs of rupees pass through his hands; everyday he wears a new suit made of imported textiles.' Vashisht narrated the story of Sood's achievements as though they were blood-brothers.

'And
banda parwar
(protector of the poor) you must know that every currency note has a little glue stuck to it. As they are passed along from hand to hand some get stuck to one hand, some to another. You are a man of the world, you must know all this,' said Gupta.

Kapoor's third eye was beginning to catch a glimmer of light.

'My good friend, all I know is one basic fact. These eighty-four lakh species of lives that our holy books talk of are in fact one that of a clerk. A clerk goes through all the incarnations: cat, dog, scorpion, turtle, jackal, pig, and everything else. And just as a person goes through the eighty-four lakhs of incarnations before he takes birth as a human to rule the world, so once in a mellenia a clerk is fortunate enough to be appointed personal assistant to minister.' Vashisht was well-versed in the holy texts.

'That may well be so,' conceded Kapoor with a half hearted laugh, 'but there is no escaping from the fact that the work-load becomes much heavier. Your sister-in-law (my wife) has been going at me for the last ten days.'

'She is not sparing you!' sniggered Gupta.

'Why don't you put some sense in her head? Tell the good lady that by the grace of the chair you occupy all the four horizons will soon light up. Then she will cook
halva
full of dry fruits and glasses of milk laced with almonds before she sends you to your office,' Vashisht roared happily.

'This bottle of Scotch is the first ritual — the sort of gift you give a bride when she first unveils her face,' added Gupta.

The two men treated Kapoor like a neophyte about to have its ears pierced before he is accepted by a Guru as his disciple. 'When my wife looked at this bottle, it seemed all hell would break loose, ' said the new convert Kapoor.

Vashisht interrupted him by pleading in a mewling voice. 'Please, please explain all this to our
bhabi
. Put some divine wisdom into her head. '

Gupta added his voice in support. 'Tell her how everyone in the Customs Service is eager to be posted at Palam of Sant Cruz airport and get all sorts of influential people to speak for him.

Every traffic constable, every sales tax officer does his level best to be posted in the Chandni Chowk, Sadar or Chawri Bazar. How many shoes do they have to polish with butter before they get these postings? What is more, these big hospitals, when a doctor is put in charge of the wing reserved for V.I.Ps his colleagues are burnt up with envy. Such posts do not go abegging. The work load is undoubtedly doubled. But just think: the bigger the head, the bigger the headache.'

'Now take the case of the Prime Minister,' said Vashisht. 'the poor thing works 18 to 19 hours everyday. During the elections the PM runs from one village to another. What booby prizes does the PM get for all this trouble?'

'Quite right! All these Ministers and leaders of political parties do not run around for the heck of it. Time will come when your wife will be singing and dancing with joy. She will take your big head in her lap and kiss away all its aches,' said Vashisht laughing.

The bottle was nearly empty. The peanuts had been nibbled away. Gupta glanced at his watch. 'Friends, it is nearly 9.30. Let us have something to eat. We will not get any buses after 10.30. And we are not ministers who can order our cars....' Kapoor got up and went inside. A little later Kapoor's children trooped in carrying bowls full of lentils cooked in onion and potato curry. The three men ate in the outer room; their wives and children in the room inside. Kapoor's wife was busy baking chappaties; her children ran around the two rooms serving them hot to the guests. By 10.15 the guests departed.

Kapoor felt like a criminal. He started making the beds in the rooms. He could hear his wife grumbling away as she rinsed the cooking pots and plates. 'New Year indeed! To hell with such festivals in this biting cold. They may suit white people. We have our own
Diwali
and Baisakhi, both in fair seasons.
Only
Lohri is in winter and people light bonfires to warm themselves. And I have to rinse all this garbage with icy cold water. To hell with this New Year.'

At long last the lights were switched off. The children were fast asleep. But Kapoor's wife went on nagging and grumbling. After a while she said: 'This New Year be damned! Why doesn't it fall on the 2nd of January? By then you will have drawn your salary.'

Kapoor kept silent.

His wife's voice flitted about in the dark like a bat going round and round the room. And then found a perch on some wall.

At the hour of midnight when lights in all the five-star hotels were dimmed so that men could embrace and kiss other men's wives and burst into singing
'auld king syne'
to usher in the New Year, the Kapoors were fast asleep with their backs to each other.

Translated by
Khushwant Singh

Khwaja Ahmed Abbas

 

My name is Shaikh Burhanuddin.

When violence and murder became the order of the day in Delhi and the blood of Muslims flowed in the streets, I cursed my fate for having a Sikh for a neighbour. Far from expecting him to come to my rescue in times of trouble, as a good neighbour should, I could not tell when he would thrust his
kirpan
into my belly. The truth is that till then I used to find the Sikhs somewhat laughable. But I also disliked them and was somewhat scared of them.

My hatred for the Sikhs began on the day when I first set my eyes on one. I could not have been more than six years old when I saw a Sikh sitting out in the sun combing his long hair. 'Look!' I yelled with revulsion, 'a woman with a long beard!' As I got older this dislike developed into hatred for the entire race.

It was a custom amongst old women of our household to heap all afflictions on our enemies. Thus for example if a child got pneumonia or broke its leg, they would say 'a long time ago a Sikh, (or an Englishman), got pneumonia; or a long time ago a Sikh, (or an Englishman), broke his leg.' When I was older I discovered that this referred to the year 1857 when the Sikh princes helped the
ferringhee
—foreigner — to defeat the Hindus and Muslims in the war of independence. I do not wish to propound a historical thesis but to explain the obsession, the suspicion and hatred which I bore towards the English and the Sikhs. I was more frightened of the English than of the Sikhs.

When I was ten years old, I happened to be travelling from Delhi to Aligarh. I used to travel third class, or at the most in the intermediate class. That day I said to myself, 'Let me for once travel second class and see what it feels like.' I bought my ticket and I found an empty second class compartment. I jumped on the well-sprung seats; I went into the bathroom and leapt up to see my face in the mirror; I switched on all the fans. I played with the light switches. There were only a couple of minutes for the train to leave when four red-faced "tommies" burst into the compartment, mouthing obscenities: everything was either "bloody" or "damn". I had one look at them and my desire to travel second class vanished.

I picked up my suitcase and ran out. I only stopped for breath when I got into a third class compartment crammed with natives. But as luck would have it it was full of Sikhs — their beards hanging down to their navels and dressed in nothing more than their underpants. I could not escape from them: but I kept my distance.

Although I feared the white man more than the Sikhs, I felt that he was more civilised: he wore the same kind of clothes as I. I also wanted to be able to say "damn", "bloody fool" — the way he did. And like him I wanted to belong to the ruling class. The Englishman ate his food with forks and knives, I also wanted to learn to eat with forks and knives so that natives would look upon me as advanced and as civilised as the whiteman.

My Sikh-phobia was a different kind. I had contempt for the Sikh. I was amazed at the stupidity of men who imitated women and grew their hair long. I must confess I did not like my hair cut too short; despite my father's instructions to the contrary, I did not allow the barber to clip off more than a little when I went to him on Fridays. I grew a mop of hair so that when I played hockey or football it would blow about in the breeze like those of English sportsmen. My father often asked me 'Why do you let your hair grow like a woman's?' My father had primitive ideas and I took no notice of his views. If he had had his way he would have had all heads razored bald, and stuck artificial beards on people's chins... That reminds me that the second reason for hating the Sikhs was their beards which made them look like savages.

There are beards and beards. There was my father's beard, neatly trimmed in the French style; or my uncle's which went into a sharp point under his chin. But what could you do with a beard to which no scissor was ever applied and which was allowed to grow like a wild bush — fed with a compost of oil, curd and goodness knows what! And, after it had grown a few feet, combed like hair on a woman's head: My grandfather also had a very long beard which he combed...but then my grandfather was my grandfather and a Sikh is just a Sikh.

After I had passed my matriculation examination I was sent to the Muslim University at Aligarh. We boys who came from Delhi, or the United Provinces, looked down upon boys from the Punjab; they were crude rustics who did not know how to converse, how to behave at table, or to deport themselves in polite company. All they could do was drink large tumblers of buttermilk. Delicacies such as vermicelli with essence of
kewra
sprinkled on it, or the aroma of Lipton's tea was alien to them. Their language was unsophisticated to the extreme, whenever they spoke to each other it seemed as if they were quarreling. It was full of
"ussi, tussi, saadey, twhaadey"
, — Heaven forbid" I kept my distance from the Punjabis.