Our Totally, Ridiculous, Made-Up Christmas Relationship (4 page)

“No Stace! I was just stopping by to pick up a few things. I have a five-hour drive with Richard starting in less than an hour to go watch my sister tongue the ex-love of my life. I can’t help this time,” I cry at my begging co-worker as I walk into the agency to see a room filled with hopeful male actors who are auditioning for the new Fresh toothpaste commercial. “P.S. I’m still pissed at you for ignoring the picture of Richard I sent you last night. He looked super hot.”

Stacey’s eyebrows arch. “You didn’t send me a picture.”

“Right. Lie about it. Whatever, I gotta get going.”

“No! Please, Jules! We are hours behind, Grace went home with food poisoning, Claire is knee-deep in audition applications, and I’m eight-and-a-half months pregnant, hungry as fuck, and annoyed as hell.” Stacey wobbles into my office—well, my boss’s office, which I am using until his vacation is over—with her large puppy-dog eyes staring me down. No lie, Stacey makes a super cute preggers woman, but her begging isn’t going to help. I still have to pack! Plus there’s supposed to be this crazy blizzard moving in.

“Sorry, babes.” Shrugging my shoulders, I reach into my pocket, pull out the engagement ring, and exclaim, “Richard has a big weekend planned for us!” Expecting an excited response in return from my friend, my high-pitched pronouncement is met instead with a silent stare at the ring box.

“What is that?” She asks, narrowing her eyes. “Where’s the diamond? And why are you even considering marrying him? Everyone knows you’re only taking him up to your family’s cabin to show Danny that you’re over him. Which in turn makes it quite obvious that you are
not
over Danny.”

A huff falls from me and I pull the ring away from her viewpoint. “You’re a mean pregnant woman. Did you know that? Anyway, I’m leaving now, and the next time you see me, I will be back as a fiancée! Happy holidays!”

Picking up my paperwork, I turn away from my rude co-worker, and head out of the room, still staring at the diamond ring. It’s gorgeous! It’s pretty. It’s nice.
Sigh…it’s decent.

Walking through the agency in my own world, I envision my future wedding—the colors, the flowers, the look of shock on my family’s faces, Danny’s nonexistent body because he’s not invited—and I am shaken from my daydream when my body slams against a wall…a moving wall, with
abs
? My eyes look up to an outrageously handsome man standing in front of me, who I almost plowed over. My papers go flying everywhere, and the engagement ring lands across the room, yet I have to force myself to break contact with his green eyes, which are firmly locked with mine. I shake my head back and forth, repeating Richard’s name in my mind.
Richard, Richard! I’m engaged to Richard!

“Oh no!” I overreact, looking at my papers and the soon-to-be-on-my-finger ring resting on the carpeted floor.

The handsome guy helps me, apologizing for not paying attention; but, now I’m a little worried about my ring that went flying. That’s a five thousand dollar ring! Okay, maybe one thousand. Five hundred? Hell, okay I saw the same one for two hundred and fifty dollars at Walmart during Black Friday, whatever.

Bending down to pick up the ring, handsome guy beats me to it; and I am lost in the moment as he’s down on one knee, holding the ring up to me. My mind melts, forcing me to lose all my common sense. “
I do
!” I scream. His brows raise, and my hands fly over my lips, “I mean
I do
need to get going with that.” Awkward laughter starts now, but I don’t know if it’s coming from him or me.

When he hands it to me, he smiles this stunning grin; he must definitely be an actor auditioning for the toothpaste commercial. “Congratulations on your engagement.”

“Oh, I’m not engaged, yet. But he did this really cute thing this morning; it’s a pretty darn adorable story actually...” I laugh, and the stranger stares at me with a blank expression, waiting for me to share. “Okay, well, I woke up, and found out that he left the ring under my bed for me to discover.”

A short laugh escapes his almost closed lips, “You mean he dropped it under your bed?”

“Ugh! What is it with people and all of these stupid technicalities?” I mutter, snatching the ring from his hands. His smile grows bigger, and I would almost hate his smugness if his eyes weren’t all sultry and dreamy.

“Well, good luck with that.” He turns away to walk back over to the lobby and my hands land on my hips.

“I don’t need your luck! I
am
getting engaged! It’s a done deal pretty much. So screw you, and the old people, and my mother, and my sister, and Danny, and all of your stupid technicalities which have nothing to do with me and my
soon-to-be husband
!” I shout.

When everyone in the room pauses and stares at me as if I grew another head, I know it’s time to leave. I rush outside toward my 1999 Honda, ready to hit the road to my apartment. “Keys keys…” I jumble my hands through my tiny purse—which I bought because I thought it would keep me from losing crap. What a lie.

The roads are a bit slippery, but the hardcore snow storm isn’t suppose to hit until midnight, which is exactly why I want to jump in the car with my honey, hit the road, and travel down the highway to hell.

I open my apartment door, ready to rub Richard all up in nasty Danny’s and Lisa’s faces. “Babes, I’m back! Stacey tried to get me to stay at the office but I told her how overly nervous I am about taking you back home with me to meet the folks. Did you pack our toothbrushes? That’s okay, I’ll grab them.” I see Richard moving around in the living room, fidgeting back and forth, searching through the sofa cushions. My heart smiles when I see him on the hunt for what I believe is in my coat pocket.

“I already know,” I whisper, and he turns toward me, crossing his arms across his chest. His eyebrow arches and he waits for me to explain. I smile, pulling out the engagement ring. “I think it’s sweet. I know this isn’t the way you probably wanted this to go, but that’s okay. I’m fine with this.”

A heavy sigh falls from his lips and he runs his hands through his hair. “Jules, I was having panic attacks here! I thought you would be so pissed! We both knew this wasn’t going anywhere, right? I mean, we met as I was leaving a strip club with my buddies.” He heads for the bedroom and I follow after him, all kinds of confused.

“Wait, what are you talking about?” I pause. “You said you were only at the strip club for your friend’s bachelor party.”

He gives me such a strong you-are-freaking-stupid look and I sigh. I
am
freaking stupid. Of course he wasn’t at a bachelor party.

“I’m leaving, sweets.” He rubs his chin and shoots his chocolate eyes my way. The same eyes that made me fall head over heels for him in the first place. The same eyes I got lost in every day for the past seven months. The same eyes that I gave a key to my apartment!

“I beg your pardon?” I say. Richard really has to work on his comedic timing, because this isn’t funny.

He sits on the edge of the bed and he gives me a halfway grin that pisses me off. “I just feel like I’m at the age where I’m ready to settle down, you know? And yesterday Hanna and I were talking about kids, and I think I’m ready for that next step.”

Hanna?

He pushes himself off of the bed and walks over to me. “I was freaking out when I realized I lost the ring, but I can always count on you.” He slugs me in the arm. No lie—
he actually slugs me in the arm!

“What the hell are you talking about, Richard?!”

“I’m asking my girlfriend of four years to marry me.”

A flood of witty remarks from my mom start flying through my head. The disappointment in Grandma’s face at her still single granddaughter, with no babies, paints pictures in my mind. Dad…he’s going to get drunk and laugh at me. Come to think of it, Grandma’s going to get drunk and laugh at me, too. And then there will be Lisa and Danny, holding each other, kissing each other…

“NO!” I hiss, rubbing my hands across my face, my blood boiling. I see Richard pick up his luggage and move toward the door. I block his only way out. “No, Richard!” His eyes fall on me, confused by my anger. Fuck him! He just ruined my life.

“Jules, baby…” he whispers, trying to edge his way around me.

I grip the sides of the door frame, shaking with such serious amounts of frustration. “You are
not
ditching me twenty minutes before we hit the road to meet my family.”

No. No! This isn’t happening. I reserved an extra plate for the table at the cabin
for my boyfriend
! I bought two hundred dollars worth of video games
for my boyfriend
! I spent over six hundred dollars on a new video game system
for my boyfriend
! God dammit I earned the right to tie this asshole up, drag the son-of-a-bitch outside, and toss him into my car trunk next to my unopened Pilates DVDs while playing loud Christmas carols and driving in absurd amounts of snowfall.

“Jules, sweets…you’re a little scary right now. There’s like some weird wrinkles in your forehead.” Richard frowns at my appearance, and I can’t blame him. If I look as crazed as I feel, he should really rethink leaving.

“Listen, Richard. I am freaking out. I have pimples in places where pimples should never be. I am going home after three years of avoiding that fucking cabin. I’m pissy, I’m stressed, and I am
not
the person you want to cross right now. I get it. You’re a liar. You’re a cheater. You’re a bad lay. But right now? Right now, I don’t give a damn. You are getting in that car—
now
! I’m not kidding, you little shit. I.Will.Cut.A.Bitch.” I growl at him, watching his eyes fill with fear.

“Uh, just to be clear... The bitch in this situation…?” he questions.

“You. You’re the bitch, Richard.”I warn him with a look filled with death. He’s so lucky I don’t have superpowers, because he would be dead in an alley somewhere.

Swinging his way under my arms, he squeezes through. “I’m sorry, Jules. I really am. But I’m gonna give you some time to calm your nerves. Then I’ll pick up the rest of my stuff.”

Slam.

He’s gone. He’s gone and I am past due for a mental meltdown. Oh my gosh, how can I do it? How can I go back to that cabin to see my sister, my one true love, and their love child together?

So…ugly crying has been happening for the past twenty minutes, Hall and Oates
She’s Gone
is on repeat, and the gut-wrenching realization that I set myself up for yet another disappointing relationship is slowly sinking into my spirit. What’s wrong with me? Why do I fall for the ones who will never dive in for me?

Hearing my phone ring, I rush over to it, hoping to hear Richard say ‘December Fools,’ and tell me this is some kind of sick prank he’s playing on me and that he’s really loading the car up downstairs. Unfortunately it’s not Richard. Oh how I wish it
were
the cheating liar. I listen to the ringing phone for a few seconds more, debating if I really want to answer.

“Hey Mom,” I say in the most upbeat tone. If she hears a crack in my voice, she’ll know something is up and hold it against me for the rest of my life.

“Hey, honey! Just calling to see if you two hit the road yet…”

Glancing out of my kitchen window down to the street, I see where Richard’s car was previously parked. Nothing but an emptied space. “Uh—yup. Richard just pulled the car out of the parking structure.”

“Oh, he’s driving? Wonderful. You know how your driving gets on icy roads.” Insult number one: check. “Let me speak to him really fast. I want to know if he wants chicken or fish for Christmas Eve dinner. Tonight I think we’ll just have the homemade pizzas. So let me ask him.”

“Fish. He wants fish, Mom.”

“Any allergies? Let me speak to him.”

“Nope, no need to talk to him. He’s as healthy as a fox and allergy free!”

“Lord, Julie. You could have let me speak to him on my own. You do know that at one point he’ll have to talk to us, seeing how he’ll be standing in front of us in a few hours.”

No. He won’t.

“I know, Mom. It’s just, he’s driving.”

“Your sister and Danny arrived earlier. To tell you the truth, Lisa didn’t think you were really bringing a guy. For awhile, I agreed.” Insult number two: check.

“Gee, thanks. Well, for your information, we are on our way right now.” Oh my gosh. I don’t have a boyfriend.
I don’t have a boyfriend!

“Well, I’m glad. Little Olivia could really use a cousin sometime soon. Your eggs aren’t getting any younger, and I really hope you will look into that email I sent you about freezing them.”

Ding ding ding! We have a winner! Three insults in less than three minutes! Somebody get the lady a prize!

“Oh?! What’s that, Mom?! I’m losing you!” Covering the receiver I make the best static sounds known to mankind. “We—in—tunnel. See—later. B—y—e.” Hitting end on a telephone call never felt so good. Then it sets in. I told Mom that Richard wanted fish, which he doesn’t. He doesn’t want anything other than Hanna and her nonexistent babies. I hate Hanna and her nonexistent babies.

“Breathe… Just breathe…” I fall to the floor and do some major rocking back and forth, gasping for air, grasping for answers. “What am I going to do? What am I going to?” My eyes move to the paperwork I brought in from the agency and I pause. And this wave of energy rocks through my spirit, sending me powerful bursts of a plan. Maybe I
am
Einstein!