Passing It On: Growing Your Future Leaders (32 page)

You may feel as if the mentor is ignoring you at times, but remember mentors are busy. Just follow the mentor around and watch.
Tell the mentor, “I want to see how you handle pressure, people, and stress.” The mentor will not come to you to teach you
five points on how to handle stress. You have to watch to see how they deal with pressures. Mentoring is more by observation
than by instructions, so pursue the mentor. That is what Elisha did.
In the end, he went to Elijah. That was what the disciples of Jesus did. They forsook their fishing businesses and followed
Jesus wherever He went. They ate with Him and went to little villages with Him. The very word
disciple
means perpetual student, from the Latin and Greek for “learner” or “one who learns.” This implies that it is a continuous
thing. Although it has come to be associated with the twelve associates closest to Jesus during His ministry on earth, it
is not a religious word. It is someone who keeps learning. The instructor will teach only those who are hungry for education.
The one who wants to learn should pursue the teacher.

Should harness the power of questions
. As an emerging leader, you must ask questions of the mentor, accessing one of the greatest mechanisms of mentorship. The
protégé pursues the mind, the methods, the mechanisms, and the mission of the mentor by initiating questions. Ask questions
of the mentor. Nothing is more powerful as a tool for learning than asking questions. Mentors always know more than they tell
you. Mentors can always do more than they show you. They can always take you places you have never been, but you have to initiate
the journey via questions. A mentor is like a reservoir, full of knowledge and information, experience and wisdom—all wonderful,
powerful substances—and you need to pull it out of them. A question is like putting a hole in a dam. The more questions you
ask, the more holes you poke. If you ask enough questions, a torrent of wisdom will gush forth.

Good students do not talk much. They ask questions. When a mentee is in the presence of a mentor, he or she must speak little
and let the mentor talk. This is usually by the mechanism of questioning. When I studied the process Jesus used to teach the
disciples, I was shocked to discover that most of His lessons resulted from a question someone asked. The gospels are full
of examples like these:

Luke 17:20
Once,
having been asked
by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, Jesus replied, “The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation…”

Mark 13:4 “Tell us, when will these things happen?
And what will be the sign that they are all about to be fulfilled?”

Jesus shared His wisdom with those who asked for it. To draw out information from the mentor, you have to ask for it. I always
tell my students wherever I am around the world that when you are in the presence of a wise or great person, ask questions
and be silent. Whenever I meet anyone with much more experience and wisdom and with great accomplishments and success, I start
asking questions. Questions automatically give you the ability to be the student. Mentees must ask questions. He who speaks,
learns only what he knows; he who listens, learns what the other knows. Through listening, you become wiser. In this way,
mentees initiate their own learning.

Sometimes you may be so determined to impress the mentor that you talk too much. If you are always talking, the mentor can
become very irritated. If you want answers, do not tell the mentor what great things you do and how powerful you are, how
anointed you are, what a good manager you are. How can you learn if you are talking?

Invests personal resources in pursuit of the mentor
. Some mentees expect the mentor to pay for their development. Frequently people ask, “Will you mentor me?” and I reply, “Okay,
fine, let us agree that I will mentor you. As part of my mentoring program, I offer the elite privilege of allowing you to
travel with me to experience my environment.” I find it very strange when someone responds, “Great! Can you send me a ticket?”
Who is supposed to be pursuing whom? If you want to learn from me, you must be willing to invest your time, money, and resources
in pursuit of that knowledge.

We need to understand the power of pursuit. If you want to learn from me, then invest your time, your money, and your resources
in pursuit of me. You will have to invest in your own life. I have books, CDs, DVDs, and seminars. If you are my mentee, I
expect you to buy all of those books because you need to know my mind, my heart. Forty years of my experiences are in those
books. When you buy the mentor’s book, you are not just buying the book. You are buying the person.

On occasion, a mentee has asked me a question, and I have refused to answer it because I have answered that question in a
book I wrote. I tell them to read the book. Invest that twenty dollars to find the answer for yourself. As your mentor, I
do not want your money, but I want you to invest in your own development. Always remember this: the job of a teacher is not
to give answers but to stimulate the students to go find the answers themselves. Nothing is yours until you understand it.

Must never compete with the mentor
. The mentee must be very aware that he is not in the relationship to compete, but to learn. First, this deals with motive.
A mentee is one who wants to learn, who wants to become like the mentor in many different aspects, who would like to benefit
from the mentor’s knowledge, experience, and wisdom. You cannot easily learn from someone when you are attempting to compete
with him.

You will find that mentors will resist the spirit of competition from a mentee because it reveals a spirit of pride or arrogance.
It also reveals a spirit of distrust.

Must never take the mentor’s advice or criticism personally
. If the mentor says things in a moment of anger or corrects you, it is to prevent harm from coming to you or to teach you
a lesson. When Elijah told Elisha, “Go back… What have I done to you?” (1 Kings 19:20), it must have sounded harsh, but it
was necessary. When Jesus told Peter that he was full of the devil, the words must have stung (see Matt. 16:23). Whatever
the circumstances, when the mentor speaks in the heat of the moment, the person on the receiving end must be cautious not
to take the words personally.

The mentor might say, “Son, why are you dressed like that at this location? Go home and change into your suit.” Do not take
that personally. He is trying to protect you because he knows that people at this event will be dressed in a certain way,
and they will judge you or even refuse to admit you if you are not attired in a similar fashion. The invitation said “black
tie,” and you are in tennis whites—nice clothes, but not the right ones.

A mentor might say, “Do not come in here right now. Please wait outside.” Do not take it personally. Perhaps it is a matter
of protocol. Only people of a certain rank or members of a fraternal group are allowed in today. Maybe he is discussing a
confidential personnel matter.

He might say, “You can’t come to this reception with me. The president or prime minister will be there, and security is tight.
You don’t have clearance. Just wait in the lobby.” At times, the mentor may not be able to or may not be inclined to give
an explanation. Do not take that personally. He knows things you do not know.

A mentor will give you instructions that might make you feel uncomfortable. He may say things that hurt your feelings. Just
trust that this too is for your benefit. “I will figure it out later. It hurts right now, but it is for my own good.” After
Jesus told Peter that he was full of the devil, the disciple still
showed up at the next meeting. He did not take it personally. In a moment of anger, a mentor will say things that sting. Jesus
Christ was angry because Peter had said, “You will not die” (see Matt. 16:21–22). Peter was attacking the vision. Jesus was
correcting Peter, and He did not say it nicely.

Anger is part of the mentoring process because the mentor sees you in your future and attacks the danger that threatens you.
It is not personal. It is love. The leader wants to teach you a lesson. When a mentor speaks in the heat of the moment, you
have to handle it. Be mature, suck in your stomach, come back and say, “Thank you.” Later on you will say, “Wow! Now I see
why she did that.” Do not despise the anger of your mentor. It too is for your good.

Must never be jealous of the mentor’s success
. Often a young, emerging leader sees the life of the mentor and assumes or presumes that he could achieve instantly what
the mentor has spent years of effort—a lifetime of work—building up. In some cases, the mentor has experienced mistakes, failures,
loss, disgrace, depression, or bankruptcy and come back out again to overcome them before achieving what he or she has. The
most important question a mentee should ask a mentor is not, “How can I have what you have?” That is the wrong question. Rather
ask, “What did it cost you to achieve that? What is the price you paid to achieve that?” The student needs to learn the process
and the experiences necessary to achieve the goal.

The mentee must be very cautious not to cultivate jealousy regarding the mentor’s observed achievement. If you sought out
a mentor, it is because that person is successful. You cannot learn from someone if you are jealous of her. Often emerging
leaders see the life that the mentor has and desire it. Mentees have a temptation to want instantly what the mentor gained
over time.

The CEO has a jet, a luxury car, a beach house, and more money than you ever dreamed of having, but you do not know what it
cost him—fifty years of tough living. Do you covet the aircraft? Why not ask him what it cost to get that private jet? The
answer is liable to be: “Oh, twenty years of criticism, five years of depression, two years of ostracism, and ten years of
bankruptcy. Then I finally got back on my feet and spent another ten years building my business to the point that I could
afford all this. Now I travel three hundred days out of the year and hardly ever see my gorgeous wife and my darling children.
I haven’t had a home-cooked meal or slept in my own bed in weeks.” Never mind. It is not worth the price. Never be jealous
of anyone, especially your mentor.

Must follow instructions even if it demands personal sacrifice
. Many times a mentor will give the mentee an assignment, an instruction, or a project that may require a sacrifice of time,
resources, energy, or relationships. The mentee must trust the mentor to the point of obedience. That is a frightening word,
but you have to obey the mentor because he knows more than you do. He has been where you plan to go and has done what you
intend to do. If the mentor gives you instructions, just obey them. This is hard for some of you to do because your pride
is so tall that God cannot even get above it. Mentees also have to believe in the mentor’s belief in them. It is scary to
do something for the first time. The mentor may give you an opportunity that you never experienced before, but the fact that
he gave it to you is evidence that he believes in you, even when you do not. That is the mentor’s way of developing your belief
in yourself.

If you want to be mentored, you have to sacrifice. Now, be careful because some people who say they want to mentor you actually
want you to buy them things—rings and clothing, for instance. They are not mentors. They are fleece artists. Good mentors
make you spend money on yourself, not on them. Be careful about the person who professes to mentor you but wants you to make
them rich. That is not a mentor. If so-called mentors take from you, they are not mentors. If they demand that you enhance
their lifestyle or that you do anything against God’s Word, the Bible, it is not mentoring. It is abuse.

Must be honest in the relationship with the mentor
. No pretense, misrepresentation, or lack of integrity should enter the mentoring relationship. The mentor cannot afford to
have the precious time he devotes to the relationship misused or devalued. The two parties must demonstrate mutual respect,
integrity, and honesty. Do not try to be something before the mentor that you are not. The mentor will dismantle you. Do not
lie to a mentor. The mentor will eject you. Be open, transparent. Do not try to misrepresent yourself to impress the mentor.
You must have integrity.

Tell the mentor your vulnerabilities, your weaknesses, and your struggles. Be honest about what you do not know. This person
can help you. If you are perfect, why do you need a mentor? The mentor can handle your secrets. The mentor knows how to manage
your frailty. Mentors can help fix the cracks in your character. Mentors do not use your private information for personal
gain. They are there to improve you, so be honest with them.

The mentor cannot afford to have the precious time he or she spends on you abused. Perhaps I have been preparing you for a
certain position, and I find out later that you are not available or disqualified because of something else going on in your
life or in your past. Both of us have wasted time. If I spent five months mentoring you, and I find out that what you are
doing in secret has cancelled everything I did, you have abused my time. Mentoring demands honesty.

Submitting to a mentor is a smart decision. It is not demeaning. It does not make you less. It makes you more. Mentorship
is critical. The mentor is not in it for gain. The mentor is in it to help you gain. Cherish the privilege and never abuse
it. If you do not choose to benefit from the privileges extended by the mentor, the mentor never loses. The mentor knows what
he knows, is who he or she is. If you choose not to benefit, you will never become all you could be because you did not complete
the mentoring process.

The mentee is more indebted to the mentor than the mentor is to the mentee. Yet each has a role to play and responsibilities
in the relationship. Mentors respect mentees. They do not ignore your value. They know that you are important. In fact, a
mentor will respect you just because you decided to enter the mentoring relationship.