Perfect Freedom (47 page)

“No, her husband's coming down for the weekend. She's going to handle it through the director in Paris. I know him. I think he likes me.”

“Of course he does. Who doesn't? You're all set.” He looked at the underpants he was holding. “What am I supposed to do with these?”

“I thought you should try them. Your cock's awfully big for those shorts your wear. I noticed it last night. Everything shows.”

Robbie blushed and giggled in his amazement that a normal boy would notice such things. He had to go into the bathroom to get himself into the brief garment.

The dinner for fourteen was agreeably relaxed. Edward was languidly successful in concealing any heartbreak he might be feeling. Toni charmed Mme. Joffrey and Mrs. Rawls made a great fuss over Robbie. Toni left for work saying that he'd probably be right back. Robbie was left with a fixed smile and vacant eyes. The party ended as abruptly as if all the lights had been turned out. He groped in the dark for something to reply to a question he hadn't heard. Why hadn't he suggested going with him? He couldn't have, of course. It would have been rude and might have made people wonder. If only he could tell everybody that his life depended on Toni, that he loved him with all his body and soul. Love was what life was all about. They weren't doing anything wrong. He might make more sense about it if he could share the wonder of it with the world. He was in love. He knew it now.

It was after midnight and he was wondering if Toni had finished his performance when the party broke up. He went on smiling until the guests were gone. He sat with the remaining quartet of elders and heard them talking without knowing what they were saying. He was counting the minutes. The performance was surely over now. Toni was taking off his makeup and washing. He was getting into his clothes. Beautiful people crowded around him vying for his attention. He ignored them, pushing his way out, thinking only of getting home.

Robbie slowed down his scenario. There was a particularly beautiful girl. Toni paused to talk to her and find out who she was. Perhaps he'd make a date to see her tomorrow. Robbie halted the action to allow plenty of time for this.

He heard his father and Mr. Hilliard laughing. He looked up at the star-bright sky. He poured himself a glass of wine. There. Toni had finished his business with the girl. He was out and headed for the motorbike. In another fifteen minutes he would be home. He edged around in his chair to face the archway where he would make his appearance. What if he didn't? Would he be able to handle his disappointment without everybody seeing that he was going through a crisis? Toni was there.

Again, he swung from gathering despair to almost uncontainable euphoria in an instant. He didn't shout or leap up as he had felt he was bound to do. He sat quietly and smiled into Toni's eyes as he approached with his light graceful step. His golden head threw off reflections from the candlelight on the table.

“Salutations, everybody,” he said. He was greeted warmly and pulled a chair over beside Robbie and put a hand on his shoulder as he sat. Stuart asked him if he wanted something to eat. “It seems ridiculous after that magnificent dinner but performing always makes me hungry. All actors are the same.”

Robbie was immediately on his feet. “I'll get you something. What do you want?”

“Not a lot. Do you suppose there're any of those fabulous jellied eggs left over from lunch? I'd love a couple of those.”

When Robbie returned with a tray, Toni was alone. “Where is everybody?” he asked, putting down the copious meal he'd gathered from the refrigerator.

“They said to say goodnight. They want an early night. Thanks, little brother. You're spoiling me. It's so damn nice here. I really love coming home.”

“I love your being here.” He hitched his chair close and watched him spooning up the rich mixture of poached eggs and goose liver and wine jelly. Toni's hands fascinated Robbie. They were blunt-fingered and powerful-looking, as if he could knock a man down with one blow.

“I saw Michèle tonight. Do you know what she said? She said to tell you that if you were ten years older she'd try to marry you. She thinks you're the sexiest guy she's ever seen.”

“She must be crazy. Hasn't she looked at you?”

“Well, I wondered about that myself.” Toni laughed. “I know what she means. Your ass, for one thing. I don't know if girls pay any attention to guys' asses but there's something about yours that makes you want to touch it.”

Robbie was suddenly struck dumb. They seemed to be skating on very thin ice. What was he supposed to say now? “You better not,” he said, hoping to hit the right note of man-to-man jocularity.

“I don't know. I might give it a pat some time just to make sure it feels as good as it looks. I asked Michèle to come to lunch tomorrow. I'll bet you could get her if you tried.”

“What about you?”

“Oh, I'm still trying but I'm willing to let the poor girl have her choice. I have Mme. de Mornay to console me.” He scraped up the last of the eggs and buttered a piece of bread and drank some wine and attacked the beef filet and potato salad that Robbie had found. “You know, your idea of a little light supper is a revelation. Everything's so good. Maybe we should get married. I'll never find a girl who'll feed me like this.”

“Maybe you should marry Boldoni.”

Toni laughed. “That's a possibility but you're much prettier. No, I'll marry you and keep Boldoni as our cook. You don't mind waiting up for me like this?”

“God, no. I love it. Actually, I waited quite late last night.”

“You shouldn't have. I warned you I might be late. Mado de Mornay is a very sexy lady. Did you hear what Mme. Joffrey said tonight? She thinks I might be right for the lead in a play that's opening in one of her theaters later in the fall. She wouldn't've noticed me if I weren't staying here. I happen to know she likes girls, thank heavens, so I don't have to worry about that. She's not my idea of something I'd like to find between my sheets.”

Robbie's faint hopes were dashed by these sophisticated references to a world he would never know. Toni was beyond his reach; jokes about getting married and touching his behind meant nothing. He watched the strong jaws working as he chewed the last of the beef and longed to stroke the hollows of his cheeks and trace with his fingers the firm voluptuous curve of his lips. Serving him food was an act of worship. “It sounds as if the theater has a lot to do with sex,” he said.

“It gets on my nerves at times. That's why I said I envy you your painting. I could never make love to a woman I didn't want but you get into situations that are pretty tricky sometimes. With somebody like Mado, I'm all in favor. I can have my fun and maybe get a chance at a job at the same time, but it's just a matter of luck. Mado wasn't interested in my brilliant talent until she made sure I could give her what she wanted in bed.”

“I'll stick to painting.”

Toni laughed and poured wine for both of them, then put his arm around Robbie and moved in close against him. “That's why I feel so good with you. It's so nice and simple for a change. We can love each other without trying to take advantage of each other. Do you love me, little brother?”

“Yes. God, yes,” he said, trying to keep the fervor out of his voice. How long could he go on with this masquerade? Toni held him as if he were about to make love to him, but there was nothing erotic in the embrace, only sweetness and affection.

“Good. Shall we have a swim before bed?”

“Sure. I—Shall I get our trunks?”

“Why bother? We don't need anything at night.”

“No. I just—I guess I don't feel like it.” He couldn't be naked with Toni unless they were lovers. He wouldn't be able to get ready for bed, let alone get into it, without Toni seeing what he wanted. It was folly to suppose that he could go on like this day after day for weeks on end. His body would betray him. He struggled for control. He mustn't let Toni know. He began to tremble. There was a knot in his throat.

“Hey, what's the matter? Aren't you feeling well?” Toni shifted around so that he could look at him. He felt Robbie's body begin to shake. He had been contentedly eating and hadn't been aware of any tension in the air. There was a wild glitter in Robbie's eyes and his face was rigid with some sort of anguish. His trembling became more pronounced. “My God, Robbie. Are you sick?”

“No. It's nothing. Let me—”

Toni gripped his arms and pulled him around to look into his eyes. “Tell me. I've been chattering about myself and haven't been paying attention. What're you so upset about?” Robbie's eyes darted about desperately as if he were looking for salvation. His mouth opened but no words came out. He gasped and uttered a cry and flung himself against Toni, burying his face against his shoulder. He was sobbing and trembling violently. Toni held him firmly and tried to identify his distress. He couldn't remember witnessing anything quite like it. “Now listen, just relax,” he said soothingly. “It's all right, whatever it is. Tell me.”

“No. Oh no, Toni. Please,” Robbie wailed.

“Please what?”

“Don't you know?”

“No. How can I?” Something about the way Robbie's hands clung to him alerted him. He drew back hastily and held him at arm's length and stared into his tear-streaked face. “You're not—Are you trying to say—Oh, for God's sake. You're not a
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, are you?”

“Yes,” Robbie cried, choking out the words. “I can't help it. I swore I'd never let you find out. Oh God. I'm so in love with you.”

Toni let go of Robbie and watched with distaste as he collapsed against the table, his head in his arms, his shoulders heaving. “Oh, shit,” he muttered and rose and strode off down the glade.

Thoughts of killing himself fluttered through Robbie's mind while his body was wracked by sobs. What was there left to live for? Toni would despise him. Why had he supposed he could live happily as one of the damned? He had no hope of love. He was doomed.

His sobs slowly subsided as grief and shame were extinguished by fear, fear of being found by somebody in this state, fear of what Toni might do. Would he leave? Would he tell his parents why he was leaving? He would have to face him again and beg him not to. He'd promise to do anything he wanted if he'd stay. They could agree on some reason for his moving down into one of the guest rooms. They wouldn't be friends anymore so nothing mattered. He would renounce his love. If he couldn't bear living without him—last night had proved that he couldn't—he would have to face that too. He raised his head and found a glass of wine in front of him and gulped it down. A final sob escaped him like a hiccough and he shuddered. He had to be prepared to see contempt in Toni's eyes. Fear chilled him as he dragged himself to his feet.

Toni undressed, wondering how he should handle the kid. He could clear out and go on about his business but life had been charged with exciting new promise in the last couple of days. Being here had made a big difference. More important, he was afraid that Robbie's delicate emotional balance might tilt him into despair if he walked out on him. He didn't want to precipitate a great drama. Stuart had been good to him. There were better ways to repay him than to drive his son into a nervous breakdown. The simplest solution would be to take Robbie to bed and let it happen, but he was almost sure that he wouldn't be able to do anything. Not with Robbie. It would be a denial of the deep protective affection he felt for him.

How had he been able to function with the others, whom he hadn't even liked? He'd been, drinking, for one thing. Drink dulled his mind to what his body was doing. He'd seen some bottles in the kitchenette. He finished putting his clothes away and went in and found some brandy and gave himself a generous slug. Now that his initial distaste and disappointment were passing, what he really wanted was to stay and help Robbie through it, even demonstrate to him that he was mistaken about himself. It was so easy to get sexually confused at that age. It all depended on what his experience had been. Possibly some remark of that silly ass Edward had given him the idea that a normal crush was a great homosexual passion. If he could straighten him out, he would have accomplished something good for both father and son.

He wandered around the room, drinking his drink. Should he go down and get him? He didn't think Robbie would leap into the sea and swim off to eternity but he was awfully highly strung. He might do something crazy. He wanted to give him some time alone to calm down, but if he didn't come soon he'd go find him. He heard somebody slowly dragging his feet up the path.

He started to make a dash for the bedroom to get his dressing gown but decided to stay as he was. He was still convinced that physical familiarity was the best antidote for sexual stirrings. He stood facing the door. Robbie entered. He looked distraught but under control. His glance took in Toni and moved hastily away as he advanced hesitantly into the room. “You're not leaving?” he asked in a dead voice.

“You don't want me to, do you? We've got to do something about this.”

Robbie looked at him and his eyes darted away again, seared by the splendor of the naked body. He stopped beside his worktable and put a hand out for support, his heart hammering at Toni's approach. His throat knotted and his eyes swam with tears of relief. “You don't loathe me?” he asked with difficulty.

“Of course not. I'd hate it if you were really queer but I don't think you know yet. You haven't tried anything with me.”

“How could I? I knew you didn't want it.”

“That doesn't stop most
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.” He stood close to Robbie. “Why don't you go wash your face and get undressed and we'll talk?”

“You don't mind being naked with me? You're not afraid I'll do something awful?”