Perfect Freedom (46 page)

“If it's really a swim you want, there's no need for Michèle to take you anywhere,” Stuart pointed out when he had a moment alone with Toni at the edge of the sea. “There's even a reasonable amount of privacy down here in the evening. Those things close.” He indicated the louvered shutters that pulled across the wide opening of the beach house sitting room. It was furnished with comfortable outdoor things and a daybed. Dressing rooms for men and women were on either side. “Actually, you'd be quite comfortable down here if you want a house of your own. I keep forgetting it's here.”

“I'm fine with Robbie.”

“Good. You're getting settled in? Felix is bringing the motorbike out this afternoon. I hope it's understood that you can ask whoever you like here during the day. In the evening I suppose we better coordinate our activities for the sake of the help, but you're free to have people for dinner, even if we're going out. Just let me know.”

“You think of everything. You're truly astonishing.”

Stuart put a hand on his shoulder. “I think we make a very handsome family, if you'll forgive me for including myself. Stanley and Pat will be gone in a few days and then there'll just be the four of us for a while. I'm looking forward to that.”

“Am I included in the party tonight?”

“Of course. Why wouldn't you be?”

“Madame Joffrey is a very important woman. She wouldn't ordinarily ask anybody like me. Did you mention me?”

“Not by name. She asked me how many we'd be and I said we were four and two houseguests.”

“You
are
a good guy. I'll bet she'll be surprised to see me.”

“What is this? Does she have something against you?”

“Not personally as far as I know. Some people don't invite entertainers in cheap nightclubs to their houses. She's one of them.”

“I see. In that case, you'd be doing me a favor if you tell her you're my son. She's frightfully impressed by my father. I'd love her to think that his grandson is an entertainer in a cheap nightclub.” They looked at each other and chuckled with mutual understanding.

“I like you, Stuart. I may yet call you Papa.”

They had an informal lunch and Robbie returned to work in a blaze of creative dedication. Contentment had once again become a deep singing rapture that he felt all through him, from toes to fingertips. What was happening to him? How could a virtual stranger alter all of life? He tried to remember what he'd been like before Toni had come. He was possessed by smiling green eyes. His life was Toni's.

He was immersed in his work when Toni unexpectedly joined him a little later. “Didn't Michèle come?” he asked, not letting himself abandon his work.

“No. I'm sort of glad she didn't. It's so wonderful feeling I've got a home for a change. I've got to write and let people know where I am. If I'm not in the way, I just want to sit around your house and enjoy it.”

“Our house.”

“Is it? Okay, little brother. Our house.”

Shocks and tremors passed through Robbie when he glanced up from time to time to see Toni wandering around the place, from the bedroom to the terrace to the bathroom and back, sometimes in a dressing gown, sometimes with a towel around his waist, once with nothing on at all, making himself at home. It was a glorious distraction, adding an extra excitement to his work.

When he had put his brushes away for the night, they both dressed in white dinner jackets. Robbie had acquired his at school in the spring and it was already getting tight around the shoulders. They admired each other playfully and were in high good humor when they joined the others.

The party took place on a giant roof garden and revealed a more formal aspect of local social life. The women, few of them in the first bloom of youth, were glitteringly chic and the men had a distinguished air. Stuart recognized several important political figures. There were editors and journalists and a famous member of the
Académie Française.
Michèle wasn't there and Robbie stayed close to Toni's side, where he wished to remain for the rest of his life. When he caught sight of Edward, he reluctantly responded to the appeal of his eyes.

“I hoped you'd be here,” he said, joining him beside a small tree. He regretted that he was only being polite.

“I find the atmosphere rather rarefied, don't you, darling? Shouldn't we sneak off to the yacht for a little down-to-earth music?”

“Later, maybe.” He looked into Edward's nice eyes and saw a glow that he supposed was love in them. He wanted him but knew he couldn't let anybody but Toni touch him. How could he tell him without hurting him? “Actually, I can't, darling,” he began with difficulty. “I shouldn't even call you that. He wouldn't like it. Something's happened. Well, nothing really, not like you might think. I don't suppose it ever will. I think he'd hate me if he knew but I can't help it. I've got to keep myself sort of pure for him. Do you understand?”

Edward's eyes grew wistful. “It sounds awfully as if you've fallen in love with him, darling.”

“I suppose I have. I've never felt like this about anybody before. I want you. I honestly do, but I just couldn't. Is that crazy?”

“It breaks my heart but I understand, darling. If you're so sure nothing can happen with him, maybe you'll get over it and want me back. I'll be waiting.”

“You're sweet. I've loved it. I won't make love with anybody else. I promise you that.”

“My poor virginal darling. I can't say I envy you. Haven't I heard something about dinner at your house tomorrow? We'll still want to see each other, won't we?”

“Of course. I never know anything about our social life. I hope you're right about dinner. Why don't you and Anne come for the day? I've started work again but the sea's still there.”

“We'll see. I have one thing to thank you for, darling. There's no reason for me to stay at this depressing party any longer. I think I'll take Anne for a little pub crawl. I won't promise to be as virginal as you.”

The flippant note told Robbie that, despite his declarations of love, Edward didn't need him. Toni certainly never would. Could the craving that had been kindled in him on a changing-room floor ever be satisfied in his love of men?

He returned to Toni's side wondering if he'd regret having renounced the safety valve of sex. It wasn't going to make living with Toni any easier but he'd had no choice. He couldn't imagine having pleasure in anybody else's arms. Was it always like this when you were in love? Did it cut you off from everybody else? He hadn't realized that it was happening until he'd seen Edward. What else was he going to learn about love?

He learned a great deal in the next few hours. He learned that he didn't care where he was so long as Toni was there. He didn't find the party depressing. He ate some superb food. He talked to overpoweringly elegant ladies, always more or less within touching distance of his friend. When it was time for Toni to leave for his performance, he stood beside Robbie and held his arm. His eyes were full of green mischief. “This has been a very interesting evening,” he said. “I've met some people who could be helpful. I may be late. You know what I said about older women.”

Robbie was left smiling into a void. He couldn't speak. He didn't know who any of these people were. Edward and Anne were gone. He had to get home. He had to be where Toni belonged. He looked around for his mother and saw her surrounded by men. She caught his eye as he approached and turned to him. “I want to go home,” he said, finding that he had to pronounce the words with great care. “Can I take the car? You'll be with Mr. Hilliard, won't you? Can't you get home with him?”

“Of course, darling. Are you all right? You haven't been drinking, have you?”

“Of course not. Only a few glasses of wine.”

“I'm not sure the same is true of your father. He has the keys. Tell him I said you could go. I'm afraid this hasn't been much of a party for you but I can't tell you how many people have said that you're the most fascinating young man they've ever met.”

“Thanks. Tell me more in the morning. I feel sort of funny.”

“We're all still tired, darling. Drive carefully. We won't be long.”

Robbie drove slowly, feeling unreal and bereft. He thought he'd said goodnight to his hostess but wasn't sure and didn't much care. What difference did anything make if Toni weren't with him? He could go through the motions of living but nothing had any meaning. The only reality that directed him was the need to be where Toni would expect to find him.

As soon as he got to his house, he threw his clothes off and pitched himself down on the bed and pressed himself into the mattress on the side where Toni had slept last night. He buried his face in his pillow and opened his mouth for kisses. He felt his body against his, his arms holding him. Their twin erections thrust up hard against each other. Toni's was in him, filling and possessing him. He flung himself over onto his back and shouted and sobbed with his orgasm.

He staggered up and dragged himself to the bathroom and washed and hung his clothes up. If he kept busy, time would pass and Toni would be here. He went through Toni's clothes, trying things on, fitting his cock snugly into trousers where Toni's had been and watching it swell. They could wear each other's clothes. They were brothers. They belonged together. Where was he now?

He'd expected Toni to do things on his own. He had his job and girls and contacts to make to further his career. He had known it and happily accepted it this morning. What was the matter with him now? He was sure Edward had never gone through anything like this over him. He reasoned himself into some degree of calm and lay down hoping for sleep, choosing the middle of the bed so that Toni would have to move him in order to get in. He dozed fitfully but started up, reaching for Toni, his body wracked with emptiness and longing. He sat motionless for minutes at a time, listening for his footsteps. Was this being in love? It was a nightmare. He didn't think he could survive it much longer without losing his mind.

As the hours passed, dread settled over him like a pall. His heart pounded erratically so that he had trouble breathing. There was a sick hollow in the pit of his stomach. Something might have happened to Toni. What if he weren't here in the morning? How would they find him? He couldn't get through a search for him without breaking down. Everybody would guess what was the matter with him. Toni was all right. He had to be all right. He'd said he might be late.

The dark had begun to pale when he heard the door open and close. He almost shouted with relief. Toni was back. He was here. His heart hammered exultantly. He heard footsteps in the next room. They approached, light and assured. He entered the bedroom. Robbie could see his pale form moving and altering shape as he took his clothes off. He choked back ecstatic laughter while he pretended to be asleep. He hadn't known it was possible to rocket from one emotional extreme to another so quickly. Rapture flowed through him again and soothed his nerves and untied his knotted muscles. He felt him getting into bed. He twitched and muttered as if in his sleep and let Toni's hand shift him into a different position. A hand remained on his shoulder as Robbie plunged into a deep dreamless sleep.

His happiness the next day was shot through with anxiety about the evening that would inevitably follow. Was he going to have to suffer through a nightly agony? If he tried to subdue his passionate response to Toni during the day perhaps the shock of being without him at night would be less intense. He decided to adopt a more guarded manner and not let him dominate his thoughts. He managed when he was working but it took two to make it work the rest of the time. Toni was always near, always offering him the enchantment of his smile, always touching him lovingly. It was a torment of bliss.

Edward had been right about dinner. The admiral's family was expected along with Madame Joffrey and Mrs. Rawls. Toni wandered around naked while they prepared for an informal evening. Sooner or later, Robbie supposed, he was going to wonder why his roommate was always so modestly covered and why his hands were almost always in his pockets.

“That woman I met last night,” Toni said, pulling a pair of his brief triangular underpants out of a drawer and handing them mysteriously to Robbie. “Her husband is one of the producers of that film I might be in in the autumn. She thinks she can fix something with the director.”

“How wonderful. You'll be a star in no time.”

“I can always dream. She doesn't think it's good for me to be working at the Tour. She says I'm apt to get a reputation as a
pédé
. She thought I might be until she found out otherwise.” He laughed and ruffled Robbie's hair. “You were sleeping peacefully but it was almost daylight when I got home. The point is, if the film really comes through in the next few weeks, I could refuse to extend my contract. I'd have all of August off.”

“You mean you'd stay here but you wouldn't be working?”

“That's the idea. Thanks to your father, I could afford a real holiday.” He saw Robbie's face light up with an almost unearthly radiance. Once, a girl had looked at him like that after he'd made love to her. He was deeply touched. He moved closer and put an arm around him. “We could have some fun together without worrying about getting to the show on time. Would you like that, little brother? I know our father would.”

“I'm speechless. That's the best news ever.” Only a few more weeks and then at least he'd know that Toni didn't
have
to go off every night.

“Well, keep all your fingers crossed. It all depends on the film. It's not the greatest part in the world but it's a start.”

“I know you'll get it. I'm sure your lady friend will insist. Are you going to see her tonight?”