Perfect Freedom (45 page)

“And they wouldn't let you go very far? I know. Nice girls your age are pretty careful. If it weren't for older women, I don't know what we'd do for sex. You mean you're a virgin?”

“Does having your cock sucked count?”

Toni laughed. “Sure. You're only slightly a virgin.”

Robbie felt that he'd skirted the subject neatly. He closed the closet door. “I've got to come see your act,” he said.

“Oh no. Definitely not. Not that dance. I'd feel foolish.” He went to Robbie and held him by the lapels of his dressing gown. “I don't want you to go to a place like that.”

Robbie was increasingly aware of how free Toni was with physical intimacies. He wondered how long he'd be able to ignore them. Standing so close together was almost like an embrace. “The Tour Engloutie? What's wrong with it?” he asked into his eyes.

“Haven't you heard? The
pédés
are making it their headquarters. If you don't know, so much the better. You're just at the age when somebody might try to take advantage of you.”

Robbie wished sex were a forbidden subject as it had been when he was growing up. He was afraid of saying something damning at any minute. “Has it got something to do with age?”

“Well, to do with being defenseless and inexperienced. You're so open with people. You are with me. If I was inclined that way, I might get the wrong impression.”

Robbie was very aware of the hands on his chest. Was it possible for Toni to want him without knowing it? “I want to make any impression you want me to make,” he said with cautious ambiguity.

“You have. You know that.” Toni dropped his hands and kicked off his espadrilles. “I know you're all right but you've got the kind of looks that drives them crazy.”

“It seems you do, too. I've
got
to see you perform,” Robbie insisted.

“Not there. Promise. I don't want to be responsible for your going to places like that.” His tight trousers and brief triangular undershorts joined the espadrilles on the floor. He stood devastatingly, unself-consciously naked in front of his young friend. “You must tell me what to do about laundry. I need a shower. Come on and talk to me.” He put a hand on his shoulder and headed for the bathroom.

Robbie struggled to keep his eyes on his face but a random uncontrollable glance told him that his cock remained irreproachably inert. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his dressing gown to make sure that his at least remained out of sight. He was going to have to get used to staying more or less erect all summer.

As the small house party gathered on the terrace for Mrs. Rawls' party, Robbie told his parents about Toni's prohibition. He wasn't sure they knew what homosexuality was but he knew they'd approve of Toni's strict views about the places he frequented. “I wanted to go see Toni tonight,” he said, “but he doesn't think I should go there.”

Stuart looked at his young guest with grateful respect. “Good for you. I'm not much at putting my foot down but it struck me as no place for kids. Not because of your performance. Because of the crowd.”

“You should see some of the places in Hollywood,” Pat said. “They're taking over the world.”

“Along with Hitler?” Stuart suggested. “I've heard some funny things about him.”

“If only they were true,” Hilliard said. “We could make it cream puffs at ten paces and finish him off.”

It was a subject that clearly embarrassed them all and it was quickly dropped. Robbie was cast into outer darkness.

He had a consoling ten minutes with Edward behind some shrubbery at Mrs. Rawls' rented villa. The party was much like the Coslings' lunch, only bigger. Toni devoted himself to Michèle and a group of film people. As soon as he left for his performance, Robbie was ready to go and was glad when his elders took him home. He immediately withdrew to his house wondering how late Toni would be.

He got ready for bed but when he lay down, thoughts of Toni proved too potent to make him an acceptable bedmate. What if Toni discovered him with an erection? He wore no pajamas during the summer and he hadn't seen any among Toni's things. Going to bed naked together suddenly became an insuperable problem. Why hadn't he thought of this sooner?

He rose and put on his dressing gown and went out to the living room and stretched out on the sofa with a book. If Toni came in soon he would stay here until his friend was asleep. He read for half an hour, his heart thudding anxiously whenever he thought of Toni. What was he doing? His performance was over by now. Would he really come home or would he go off with that girl? There was a great craving emptiness somewhere in him when he thought of the couple together. He had to come home. All his things were here. The book slipped from his hands and he slept.

He was awakened by a voice and laughter and hands moving on him. He smiled and his eyes fluttered open. Toni was perched on the sofa beside him with nothing on. Robbie's dressing gown had fallen open, leaving all the front of him exposed. As Robbie's eyes focused, Toni gave his erection a tug and laughed.

“It's a big one, little brother. Are you dreaming of your lady love?”

Robbie struggled up and tried to twist away from him but he was too late. “Oh Toni. No,” he cried and fell back and was gripped by orgasm. His ejaculation spattered his forehead and cheeks and chest. He covered his flaming face with his hands and uttered a groan of shame.

“At your service.” Toni chuckled and Robbie felt him rise. “You were having a wet dream. You better go wipe yourself off and come to bed.” Robbie parted his hands slightly and looked at him. He was standing over him casually, looking down at him, his cock still virtuously quiescent. Robbie hadn't damned himself in his eyes; it had been a natural phenomenon. He scrambled to his feet, holding himself so as not to drip, and hurried to the bathroom.

He awoke the next morning feeling more deeply contented than he had known it was possible to be. He lay for long minutes without moving and gazed at the naked sleeping figure beside him. Toni was on his side, his back turned, the sheet around his waist. By moving his foot cautiously, Robbie was able to pull it down farther so that he could see his buttocks. He was entranced by the agile grace and power of the peacefully unconscious body. He registered every detail with growing love and desire—the endearing disarray of the curls on the pillow, the strong slender neck, the smooth tanned skin, the muscles of his back and shoulders, the ridges of his spine and the small hollow at the base of it where he longed to put his mouth. This extraordinary creature who radiated glamour even in his sleep had seen him with a hard-on, had held it and thought that a dream had given him an orgasm. Toni was incapable of suspecting him of illicit desires. Toni had the power to make him what he wanted him to be.

When he'd soaked up all the contentment he could absorb, he slipped soundlessly out of bed and grabbed a pair of shorts from the closet and went to the bathroom to start the day. A thermos of coffee and hot milk had been left for them in the kitchenette and he drank some while he opened tubes of paint and studied color balances. He was moving away from the figurative and he had learned that this new approach required much more concentrated and rigorous control of form than anything he had done before. He could become so engrossed that he lost all sense of time. He put one of his Greek sketches on the table in front of him and laid an undercoat on the canvas in blocks of strong color and waited with bated breath to see what was going to happen. Something always did, usually more or less what he expected but there were often surprises. It was the ability to deal with them that made art. He knew that he was finally launched on original work.

He had no idea how long he'd been at it when he became aware of the bedroom door opening. He glanced up. Toni was poised invitingly naked in the doorway, one hand on the jamb, the other on his hip. His erection seemed to stretch halfway across the room. Robbie fumbled with his brush and dropped it. When his eyes were once more capable of accurate observation, he saw that it was about the same size as his own.

Toni laughed. “I'm like you last night. My brothers and I used to be like this all the time. There's something sort of ridiculous-looking about a guy with a hard-on but it feels good.”

“You've got a big one, too,” Robbie said through lips that felt parched. If he repeated things that Toni had said he couldn't get into too much trouble.

“Like yours. I told you we're built alike. Mine's bigger than my five real brothers. They used to make me show it off every morning to see if it had grown. My debut as a performer.” He laughed again and glided into the room with an eccentric dance step and disappeared into the kitchenette. “Did you say I'd find breakfast in here?” he called back.

“Yes, in the blue thermos. There's fresh bread, too, and butter in the fridge if you want it.” Passing on this prosaic information helped Robbie get a grip on himself. He retrieved the brush and wiped up spattered paint, thinking of his Greek brothers. They had made him feel like one of them. Toni was his brother. Maybe brothers were permitted special liberties. It was the only explanation of what seemed like Toni's constant provocations. If they were intended in the way Robbie wished they were, they would have made love by now. The image of the sinuously gliding body and the careless swing of his erection continued to rock his mind. His shorts were too loose to confine developments. His concentration was shattered; his mind was crowded with phallic forms. He put his hands in his pockets and followed Toni to the kitchenette. He was standing in the middle of it drinking his coffee. His cock had dwindled to its usual proportions. He looked at Robbie over the rim of his cup with smiling eyes.

“I'm staying out of your way,” he said. “I'll pull myself together in the bathroom and then go for a swim. Was I all right in bed? I didn't kick you or pull the sheet off or anything?”

“Not that I know of. I slept.”

“Me, too. It's almost noon.”

“Really? I was up at nine.”

Toni set down his cup and moved to Robbie and put an arm around his bare shoulders and walked him into the living room. “Can I see what you've been doing or don't you like people to look?”

“I don't mind, but you won't be able to make head or tail of it yet.”

“Then I'll wait. But hurry up and do something you can show me. I'm dying to see your work. I'll bet it's exciting.”

“I'll bet yours is, too.”

“Oh that.” His laughter was charmingly self-deprecating. “You saw what they'd really like to see at the Tour Engloutie. That's all it amounts to, really. I just prance around while everybody wishes I'd take everything off.” He turned Robbie to face him and put his hands on his shoulders and looked him over. “With a body like yours, you could do as well. I had a good look at you before I woke you up last night.”

Since looking was permitted, Robbie took a long look at the soft plump curve of the cock that was almost touching him. It bore no resemblance to the taut soaring shaft that had been thrust toward him only minutes ago. Not a quiver disturbed its inertia. His pockets enabled Robbie's hand to retain firm control of his own. He lifted his eyes and looked into the untroubled purity of Toni's face. “I'm amazed you let me see you with a hard-on. I was pretty embarrassed last night.”

“Don't be silly. Brothers don't pay any attention to those things. All guys are hard when they wake up.”

“I'm like that quite often. I don't know why.” He hoped that would explain anything that might happen in the future.

Toni smiled and gave his chin a pat. “You'll get a girl soon. She'll take care of it.” He turned him around to face his easel and gave him a little push. “Go back to work. I'll go wash up.” Toni smiled to himself as he went to the bathroom. He hoped he hadn't shocked the kid. Showing off his erection wasn't his speciality but he felt something pent-up and explosive in Robbie that might be released in horseplay. His shame last night over a perfectly ordinary occurrence had verged on hysteria. There was always the danger of a highly emotional boy getting a crush on an older friend. Toni wanted to defuse any stray sexual currents that might be generated between them. Affection guided him; he wished they really were brothers.

Robbie studied his morning's work. He'd made a good start but he hadn't the will to go on with it now. He had to be with Toni. He got himself into the discreet confinement of a pair of swimming trunks and was cleaning his brushes when Toni emerged from the bathroom looking scrubbed, combed, and radiant, also wearing trunks.

“I'll go along,” he said, approaching Robbie's worktable. “Are you coming soon?”

“I'll come with you. When I'm just starting something, I don't like to work too long at a stretch. I get all involved and can't see what I'm doing.”

“You're lucky having something you can do on your own. Nobody can tell you what you're supposed to do.”

“That part's good but it takes so much time. I don't want it to get in the way of doing things with you.”

“Don't worry. I'm here now, little brother. We'll do lots of things together. I hope you don't get sick of me.”

“I probably will in about ten years.” He wiped his hands and tossed the rag aside and dared initiate the contact that Toni seemed to take for granted. He ran a hand over his shoulders and gripped his neck. “Let's go.” He felt as if his whole being were being jolted into some new alignment. All of life flowed from Toni. Being allowed to touch him and feel him against himself was as necessary as air. He had somehow escaped sex for the moment; he was wholly integrated into the very substance of his friend. The contentment he had felt a little earlier was undercut by a vast dread of losing him.

They swam. The Hilliard couple joined them, followed by Stuart. Helene drifted down in a slightly old-fashioned bathing costume with a little skirt. They all had drinks from the bar in the beach house. No guests were expected. The party that night was to be at Madame Joffrey's remodeled house on the old fisherman's port. Toni said that Michèle might stop by later to pick him up for a swim.