Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy With Multiple Partners (31 page)

But they too pay a price for hiding out and often feel isolated and afraid of being discovered.

Ricky is a twenty-year-old college student who was raised in a polyamorous household. He recalls, “I wasn’t really aware of my parents’ sex life when I was a child. I just saw the other adults who were around as friends.

That changed when I got older and became interested in sex. When I was about thirteen, my mother told me Social Services had the power to come into our house and take me away, so I shouldn’t let anybody know that she had more than one partner. I felt scared. I remember feeling confused and
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angry too. Why? Why would somebody take me out of my home? I felt totally safe and happy there.”

Hiding your polyamorous lifestyle from your children, particularly as they get older, and pretending to endorse monogamy doesn’t work very well either, as they are likely to reflect the judgments of the mononormative culture they’ve been raised in when they accidentally discover Mom or Dad has a secret life. Those who are actively nonmonogamous without coming out to their lovers, spouses, and children may hide their pain and feelings of worthlessness under the excitement of intrigue and illicit adventure. But one lie—or omission—leads to another, and pretty soon they’re lying all the time. Leading a double life can be stressful as well as effectively limiting deep intimacy with others. When they’re found out, they not only hurt the ones they love but also condition their partners to associate nonmonogamy with the betrayal of trust, a confusion from which they may never recover.

People who choose not to come out, even with admirable motivations, add their weight to the legacy of deceit and infidelity that polys everywhere must contend with and strengthen the bad reputation and mononormative illusion that may have led them to stay in the closet in the first place.

Everyone is disempowered by the failure to stand up and be counted, just as all can be empowered by the courage of those able and willing to take the risk of coming out.

However, coming out can come with a price. In the past, admitting to nonmonogamy, not to mention advocating it, could be life threatening or lead to prosecution as a sex offender. Fortunately, these dramatic outcomes are no longer common. But for people whose effectiveness in the world would be compromised by coming out poly, it may be wiser to keep their private lives private from all but their most intimate friends and family.

Often, people’s fears are greater than the reality, but, as one professional told me, “The day polyamorists are treated socially and professionally as true equals of monogamists is the day I will come out.”

The prejudice against polyamory can extend to those who merely choose to research it. Perhaps this accounts in part for the lack of academic attention given to polyamory. One bold young social scientist who chose to make polyamory the topic of her doctoral research reports that “defending my
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dissertation was the worst day of my life so far. One committee member verbally attacked me and didn’t want to accept the research for reasons which would not have arisen with another topic. My chair was aghast at the outburst. The whole committee was open-mouthed shocked about the things this woman said to me.”

Other researchers, particularly those who try to combine activism with academia, find that their colleagues don’t take their work seriously. Worse yet, if they risk coming out, they are sometimes reprimanded for violating propriety. One faculty member confided, “One of the hardest things I’ve ever done was to go back and lecture my students after having been told off for ‘bringing the institution into disrepute’ and also told that other members of staff would no longer be able to look me in the eye.”

Unfortunately, even the most conservative polyamorist can be portrayed as a slut by journalists seeking a sensationalist story, and one television producer who frequently called me desperately seeking out-of-the-closet polyamorous families for a popular talk show told me that she always tried to schedule a polyamory topic during “sweeps week” because it was a sure way to increase ratings.

Another professional woman who took the risk of coming out says that it

“led to a big explosion for me personally and professionally, which I didn’t expect at all. I don’t regret it because I care passionately about these issues and am politically committed to outness. But it was very hard to deal with for all kinds of reasons. Particularly, it was hard to know that lots of people who didn’t even know me had strong, sometimes negative opinions about me. I still have a way to go in terms of processing some of what I’ve been through.”

As we’ve seen in other chapters, coming out can also have negative consequences for people in certain professions who have lost their livelihoods and for parents who’ve lost custody of their children. Even when custody has not been an issue, children can be ostracized by peers or by friends’

parents who don’t want their own child to visit a polyamorous home or can be pathologized by teachers, counselors, or neighbors who project their own fears onto the children.

For people in less sensitive occupations that involve little contact with the public or that tend to be tolerant of diversity, such as the computer and software industries, reactions can be more varied and more personal with less potential to adversely affect careers. One computer programmer who came out at work says that his coworkers’ reactions “ran the whole gamut.

Some were fascinated in a sensationalistic way, others were personally
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interested and wanted to have a drink after work and talk about it, some were freaked out—I think those may have been people who’d experienced infidelity. But there were absolutely no negative consequences as far as my job goes.”

Because of the potential for negative reactions, some polyamorous people have decided to change careers or relocate to less conservative areas. In today’s global village, with so many people changing jobs and geography, such shifts can occur for many other reasons, but they can still be disruptive, particularly for children and extended families. Interestingly enough, most people I’ve spoken to who’ve come out to parents and other relatives report that their families have been very accepting of additional partners.

There are always exceptions, but in general the earlier in life one begins one’s coming-out process, the easier it will be. The younger you are, the less likely you are to have created structures in your life that will have to be dismantled as a result of coming out. However, most people go through developmental crises throughout their adult lives. A divorce, a career change, a spiritual awakening, the death of a loved one, an “empty nest,”

or retirement are all opportunities to consider embracing a new relationship orientation.

Not surprisingly, the context in which people are most likely to experience painful rejection is coming out to a spouse or other intimate partner who has been promised monogamy. You can be met with a hostile or indignant response simply to the news that you have polyamorous desires or fantasies, even without any violations of a monogamous commitment or effort to renegotiate a monogamous agreement. If this is the case, an open-minded therapist can often be invaluable in creating safety and support for both partners to communicate their fears and reexamine their motivations and bottom lines.

Because of the potential for negative impacts of coming out, everyone needs to evaluate the risks and benefits of coming out for themselves in their particular situation. For many people, the benefits of coming out, at least to yourself and those closest to you, far outweigh the risks. But endangering whatever is precious to you is not something to take lightly, and sacrificing your own well-being to make a statement may be unwise. At the same time, I feel strongly that one of the best gifts a person can give him-or herself is the permission to authentically be who he or she is. Permission to
be
who you are doesn’t mean giving yourself license to
do
anything at all, as people sometimes fear. Rather, it’s a way to become more conscious about what you
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want and why and so become better equipped to find a balance between pleasing only yourself and pleasing everyone but yourself. Accepting yourself as a polyamorous person is an important part of the larger process of self-differentiation and integration. It liberates you from having to hide an important part of yourself, and hiding tends to slow down or even stop the whole growth process. Worse yet, if you deny your poly nature, you may end up projecting it outside yourself and see sex-crazed demons under every rock that you then try to restrain and control. Or you can unconsciously transform your unused sexualoving potential into hatred and aggression.

Coming to terms with your relationship orientation is an essential—and often neglected—part of growing up and becoming a mature human being. Not only does it contribute to your personal well-being, but it increases your capacity to share intimacy with others as well. Coming out makes it
possible
to establish ethical and stable relationships. It allows you to be more open and honest with everyone you know because you no longer have to censor yourself to prevent an inadvertent slip.

Each person who comes out poly increases the likelihood that others will become aware of their own poly identity and feel safe disclosing it.

The more people come out, the more easily others will be able to find and support each other. The more people take the risk of being openly and responsibly polyamorous, the sooner the confusion between patriarchal polygamy, uncommitted promiscuity, and committed nonmonogamous relationships will be clarified and the sooner mononormative thinking will give way to greater acceptance of diversity. When a critical mass of polyamorous people have come out, the outmoded paradigm of sexualove as a scarce and jealously guarded resource will shift. A new paradigm will emerge in which sexualove is an abundant and renewable gift to be responsibly shared at will.

A good way to begin the coming-out process is by reviewing relevant personal history. Asking these questions will help clarify the extent to which a person identifies as polyamorous and how he or she feels about it: Have you ever had more than one lover or boyfriend or girlfriend at a time?

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Have you heard of polyamory? What does it mean to you?

Do you consider yourself polyamorous?

How do you feel about polyamory?

Have you ever told anyone you were nonmonogamous?

If yes, what exactly did you say, and how did they respond? Who else have you told? Why?

When did you first meet someone who was poly?

Next, review the people who are either partners or potential partners and ask the following questions:

How honest have I been about my romantic and sexual desires, encounters, fantasies, and conflicts with person x, y, and z? (don’t forget to include yourself)

How honest do I want to be with person x, y, and z?

How risky does it feel to be more honest with person x, y, and z?

If it becomes clear that a person is not monogamous but feels that it’s too risky to let
anyone
know that one is poly, one probably still feels that he or she is doing something wrong. My recommendation would be to find a support group or an open-minded therapist to explore some of these issues. If this is not possible, starting a journal where private feelings and experiences can be recorded is a good alternative. Talking to strangers or new acquaintances can also provide an opportunity to try being more honest with people where there is little risk involved.

Twenty-five years ago, following the publication of my first book on polyamory, television producers started calling me with requests to appear on various talk shows. They usually wanted me to bring a husband or lover or three, and they often asked me to help them find other polyamorous families to fill out the show. I found that my own and others’ coming-out issues were quickly elicited by the prospect of discussing our relationships on national television. In those days, it took a very confident or very naive person to expose their intimate lives to television hosts and audiences who were often critical, judgmental, and downright hostile.

While most people found this prospect too daunting to seriously consider doing it, thinking and talking about it turned out to be an excellent window into coming-out issues. I created the following exercise for people attending my seminars on polyamory and called it “Shine the Light of Television into Your Closet.” Imagine that you’ve just received a phone call from the produc-C O M I N G - O U T I S S U E S

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ers of a national talk show. They want to know if you’ll appear as a guest to talk about your nonmonogamous lovestyle. “And could you bring any of your lovers with you?” they ask. You take a deep breath and tell them you’ll have to think about it. They say they’ll get back to you in a few days.

Now ask yourself the following questions: What is your greatest fear about appearing on this talk show? What questions might be asked that you wouldn’t want to answer on national television? What would be hard to explain? What might you feel embarrassed or ashamed about? What would you be most proud of? Who would or would not be willing to accompany you? Who would you be afraid would see you? What would you not want them to find out about you? What consequences (negative or positive) might result from your appearance on the show?

Try to write down at least some of your answers. Now ask yourself the following: What would have to change in your life for you to feel comfortable appearing on this TV show? What would be the easiest to change?

The hardest?

Another good coming-out exercise is to write a coming-out letter. Here is one suggested format. Choose someone from your cast of characters to whom you would like to but have not yet come out. If possible, choose a pivotal person, such as a lover, parent, or close friend. Then begin by telling this person about your positive feelings toward him or her. Express how much you value your relationship with him or her and offer appreciation for his or her contributions to your life. If you’re writing to someone whom you have mixed feelings toward or who you feel has wronged you or misunderstood you in the past, such as a parent or ex-spouse, be careful not to blame or judge him or her for what he or she has done. Instead, tell him or her about the hurt that you’ve felt and how you’ve tried to protect yourself from feeling that hurt. Then share whatever you can about being nonmonogamous and proud. If you know that the person you’re writing to is an ardent monogamist, be sure to emphasize that you respect his or her choices and you’d like him or her to respect yours. If you feel ready to take the risk, mail the letter. If you don’t, ask yourself this: What might I gain from sharing this letter? What might I lose?