Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy With Multiple Partners (33 page)

The 2003 seminar became my initiation to the European continent, and while I have since traveled extensively throughout Asia, India, and Turkey, I’ve still not experienced much of Europe, the United Kingdom, Africa, or Australia firsthand. However, people from all over the world have migrated to the San Francisco Bay Area, long a magnet for social and cultural experimentation, where I lived, worked, and played for several decades. The Internet has also helped the culture of polyamory to spread worldwide.

Facebook’s Polyamory Europe Group lists upcoming polyamory meetings in Dublin, Helsinki, Paris, London, Turku, Barcelona, and Girona (Spain), and India has its own separate Facebook group.

One of the many paradoxes of polyamory is that while today’s polyamory movement clearly arose in the United States and while the United States gave birth to many nineteenth-century communities that enthusiastically explored nonmonogamous relationships, not to mention countless twentieth-century hippie communes, all the major openly polyamorous communities of the twenty-first century are outside the United States to the best of my knowledge. The whole concept of polyamorous communities is a tricky one for a variety of reasons. For example, one of the best-known intentional communities in the world was started by a polyamorous triad masquerading as a couple and their good friend. This community continues to be a model and inspiration for many, although it has never been able to do very well with integrating sexuality into its philosophy, and most of its members have no idea of the truth about its origins.

Other communities, such as ZEGG in Germany (discussed later in this chapter), reject the label “polyamory” but put a lot of focus on
freie Liebe
, or “free love,” as part of a larger vision for ecological living. Meanwhile,
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American polys tend to avoid the language of free love because of its association with promiscuity in the days of the sexual revolution. The notoriously individualistic Americans generally prefer open couples or intimate networks to group marriages or communal living, but there are long-standing intentional communities in the United States where polyamory has been quietly practiced, openly or closeted, along with old-fashioned infidelity on occasion amidst considerable drama and processing.

Another noteworthy difference between North American and continental mores is that even though a probable majority of Americans who call themselves monogamous are not sexually exclusive, Americans take monogamy much more seriously than Europeans. While much of the civilized world espouses monogamy but takes discrete affairs for granted, Americans tend to believe that extramarital sex is wrong and are prone to tremendous guilt and shame when they fail to honor their monogamous commitments. Perhaps polyamory’s appeal to Americans—and Australians as well—is that in these cultures, a combination of sexual repression, boring sex, and the taboo on extramarital sex as a solution to marital mo-notony create an unmet need for a pragmatic, direct, egalitarian means of spicing up a marriage. In Europe and the United Kingdom, polyamory seems more of interest to those with a political bent who appreciate the anarchistic appeal of free love as advocated by Emma Goldman and who are as moved by the ecological considerations and the moral high ground as juicy sex. Europeans who want more or different sex simply have an affair. Of course, plenty of American couples have affairs too, or they turn to swinging for sexual variety but sometimes end up falling in love with their sexual playmates.

I expanded into an international perspective relatively late in life, but my perceptions are similar to those of best-selling author Esther Perel, a New York couples therapist who grew up in Europe and specializes in cross-cultural issues. Perel observes that “egalitarianism, directness, and pragmatism are entrenched in American culture and inevitably influence the way we think about and experience love and sex. Latin Americans’ and Europeans’ attitudes toward love, on the other hand, tend to reflect other cultural values, and are more likely to embody the dynamics of seduction, the focus on sensuality, and the idea of complementarity (i.e., being different but equal) rather than absolute sameness. . . . Some of America’s best features—the belief in democracy, equality, consensus-building, compromise, fairness, and mutual tolerance—can, when carried too punctiliously
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into the bedroom, result in very boring sex. Sexual desire and good citizen-ship don’t play by the same rules.”1

With this prelude, let’s move on to consider the experiences of polyamorous people around the world. What I’ve observed as I’ve led seminars and coached partners and families in over a dozen different countries is that the issues people are struggling with in their relationships and the ways in which their own conditioning and biology come into conflict are remarkably similar everywhere. At the same time, each nationality has a unique flavor and history that gives their polyamorous forays a distinctive quality. A thorough discussion of polyamory in every country or even on every continent is beyond the scope of this chapter. What follows is an overview from selected countries around the world where I have spent the most time or have found people most attracted to polyamory.

In 2008, I traveled to mainland China and Hong Kong for the first time.

My older daughter and her family were living in Beijing, and I was to meet with a sociology professor at the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences who intended to publish Sonia Song’s Chinese translation of my book
Polyamory: The New Love without Limits
as part of a series on human sexuality. As it turned out, the printing was delayed first by an earthquake, then by the Olympics, and then by the government censors, who apparently found polyamory an inappropriate subject at the time, although they had permitted publication of books on homosexuality and bisexuality. China, like the United States, is a vast country that now encompasses many ethnic minorities, including a sizable population of Muslims, in addition to dominant Han Chinese. Beijing, where I spent most of my time, is known as a conservative, traditional city relative to cosmopolitan Shanghai, which has welcomed foreign travelers for centuries. Hong Kong, despite long years of rule by the British, is perhaps more traditionally Chinese than mainland China in certain ways, and it was far easier for me to communicate with people there because so many people speak English, a British legacy I welcomed.

Prior to the Communist Revolution in China, which resulted in a ban on polygamy in 1953, there was a long tradition of patriarchal polygamy, with affluent men routinely having multiple wives. After the rise of ConC R O S S - C U L T U R A L P E R S P E C T I V E S

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fucianism around the first century A.D., technically only one woman was the official wife, and the rest were called concubines. In the case of royalty, women had multiple lovers as well in the distant past, as discussed in chapter 10. The old Chinese system was very hierarchical with wives and concubines having specific status and legal rights and all knowing their “place.” Nevertheless, a young and ambitious concubine sometimes managed to win the affections of a powerful man and gain privileges that were not rightfully hers. In Hong Kong, where polygyny was not banned until 1971, there are many adults who were raised in these families with one legal wife and several concubines. Many sources say that the tradition continues, even though concubines are no longer legally recognized and so have no property rights.

Richard, who is now in his late fifties, is the oldest son of Li Yan and Zhao Song. Li Yan was once the number two “wife,” of Wang Jing. Wang Jing had three children with Li Yan and had children with his other three wives as well. All lived harmoniously in a large family compound. When Wang Jing died, Li Yan married Wang Jing’s business partner Zhao Song, with whom she had four more children. Richard considers all of Wang Jing’s children to be his brothers and sisters, even those with a different mother. Together they make up a large and close-knit extended family.

Richard* is recently engaged to Kate, a British woman who originally came to Hong Kong twenty years ago with her former husband. Richard and Kate are a cosmopolitan professional couple who could be at home anywhere in the world. Richard’s ex-wife, Susan, who is also British, returned to London with their three children after their divorce four years ago. Richard visits at their home several times a year to be with his children and participate in Susan’s family gatherings. This seems quite natural to Richard, perhaps because of his own polygamous upbringing, but Kate has doubts about his staying at Susan’s home, even though Richard insists it’s just practical and not sexual. “I liked the idea in theory,” says Kate, “but found it harder to live with, especially when I was visiting my parents just across town. I felt like a mistress! This year we’re going back together for two weeks, and he will stay with me and visit them.” Kate says that she and Richard are happily monogamous at the moment, but they’ve discussed polyamory as an option somewhere down the line. “We’d consider taking

*It is common among Hong Kong Chinese, especially those born after World War II, to have English nicknames by which they identify themselves, at least when interacting with English-speaking people.

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on another wife if someone turned up who was attractive to both of us, but we’re not looking,” says Kate.

Don also grew up in Hong Kong and is about ten years younger than Richard. His mother was a concubine of Zhang Guo Qiang, a wealthy and powerful businessman, but unlike Richard’s big, happy clan, Don’s family life was quite traumatic for him. “My father’s number one wife had no sons, only daughters. When I was born, my birth mother handed me over to the number one wife, and I never saw her again, nor did my father. Mom Mei, as I called her, and her daughters were abusive to me all through my childhood. Even today, the daughters’ husbands, my brothers-in-law, are my enemies. They are envious. As the only son of my father, I am receiving what they feel should be theirs.”

Don consulted me because he wanted to learn more about polyamory after his Singapore-raised Chinese ex-wife, Denise, proclaimed herself polyamorous and divorced him. “I’m still very close friends with Denise and her boyfriend Gary,” he told me. “No one will ever take her place in my heart. We are no longer sexual, although we sometimes spend the night together, and recently Denise has asked to be lovers again. My girlfriend, Ann, is very unhappy about my continuing friendship with Denise.

Ann wants me to marry her and threatens to leave me if I won’t, but I just don’t trust her. I’m afraid she will take my money and leave me for another man.” Don is a sensitive and empathic man who realizes that Ann carries the legacy of generations of Chinese women who were lovers to Chinese men but denied their rightful place in the family. After several sessions with me, he realized that he still holds on to the hope of getting back together with Denise but doesn’t think he can overcome his jealousy with Gary or the childhood wounds that have left him distrustful of women and afraid of their anger. Meanwhile, Ann has discovered that by taking on another lover, she can push Don to offer her marriage even though he still feels conflicted about this. “I love her, and I don’t want to lose her, but I’m afraid she is manipulating me. And she feels the same way about me,” he moans. “Polyamory may offer you some compelling reasons to heal the past,” I tell him, “but I can’t recommend it to you. You’re moving way too fast! Slow down. Take one piece at a time and don’t allow yourself to be pulled on to the next one until you’re ready, or you’re in for some big dramas. It’s admirable to want to heal legions of Chinese women, including even your own dead mother, but let’s start with you first!”

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It’s my impression that the Chinese have an odd combination of idealism, shrewdness, innocence, and pragmatism. Whether through Chinese tradition or communism, they have often been taught to put others’ needs ahead of their own. Although the social codes can be rigid, especially in regard to family obligations, they tend to be generally more relaxed about bodily functions and accept sexuality as a natural part of life as long as it follows the rules. I spoke with one bright young Hong Kong Chinese woman who had attended boarding school in England and was disowned by her mother after disclosing that she’d had sex with her boyfriend without benefit of marriage.

Another sought my help to help create a satisfying sexual relationship with her husband after pretending to be orgasmic to entice him into marriage.

Like many American men, he was eager to please her but simply didn’t know how, and she was afraid to appear too experienced.

Beijing sociologist Li Yin He estimates that over 10 million women in mainland China are married to homosexuals who marry and have children to fulfill family expectations even though they know they are gay.2 To further complicate things, the “one-child” policy instituted to control China’s burgeoning population has had the unanticipated side effect of creating a scarcity of single women of marriageable age, as many couples in the previous generation made sure that if they could only have one child, it would be a son. One practical solution to the resulting gender imbalance would be to institute polyandry, but this may be a bit too practical even for the post–Cultural Revolution Chinese and perhaps a little too Tibetan as well, with Tibet’s history of allowing women multiple husbands.

In mainland China, the Cultural Revolution left in its wake a moral vacuum. Chairman Mao’s philosophy is now suspect, and meanwhile centuries-old traditions of Taoism and Tibetan Buddhism were scorned and temples turned into factories. Only a few remnants exist from which to piece together the past. Prior to the Communist Revolution in China, Tibetan lamas were highly influential advisers to the emperors. Both the Taoists and the Tibetan Buddhists are known for their sophisticated and explicit teachings on sexual union as a means of achieving greater health, happiness, and spiritual awareness. Today, many westerners have a greater understanding of these traditions than the average Chinese, who is interested more in emulating the material success of Americans than in resur-recting the spiritual traditions of an earlier era. Young people are confused about what constitutes ethical and realistic sexual mores.