PORN STARS... More Than Just Moans (41 page)

“Let me have eight rounds of Patron, two for each of us.”

I was already half past drunk and the shots took me even further into the place called FUCKED UP.

“Well, I’m going to put this bullshit on the backburner and tell you the good news that I just got. Because you are the big winner of the night, I was able to get my good friend at the Black Oasis to feature you tomorrow night.”

DeeDee and Lust seemed to be beaming with light, but I was still lost.

“What is the Black Oasis?”

“Girl, you don’t know shit. Remember that strip club we walked by on our way to the amusement park?”

“The one that you told me was in the movie about the strippers who were also assassins, oh, my god. They want me to perform there, that’s like really big, right?”

“Hell yes that’s big, baby, it’s “Thee” biggest strip club in Vegas. Only the big acts perform there,” Lust said with pride and joy.

“If they want you that means “you’re it,” Jazzy. Trust me I was the feature three years ago. They are going to treat you like royalty. No one does it better than them. After you do this, you won’t have to do porn if you don’t want to. You will be able to work any club and strip for big money.”

“Don’t go telling her that shit, Dee, she our big money maker. We wouldn’t want to lose her to doing shows in Vegas.” Mr. Cappello said with a grin. He may have been smiling, but we all knew that he would have hated losing me while I was at the top of my game.

“Nonetheless, you are going make a big impact in this crazy world of porn. Hell, you already have. Here’s to you, don’t let us down tomorrow night. I’ll be calling Gina for a full report,” Mr. Cappello said as he held up his shot glass.

“You guys won’t be there?” I asked DeeDee and her man.

“We have to get back to work, my dear. But I have arranged for you to stay three more days. Depending on how well you do Gina may ask you to do a second night. Now you don’t have to do it but feel things out. If you like it the first time around, I say go for it. You may bring out the hard core fans that second night that didn’t hear about your first time around. As far as the third day, well you and Lust just take that time to get reacquainted.”

They stayed and got me all pumped up for another 20 minutes or so before they left. They had an early flight in the morning and retreated to the high priced suite for much needed rest. I couldn’t believe how cool Mr. Cappello was about me being with Lust right in his face. Hell, he damn near encouraged it. It made me wonder if he was trying to get me away from his son or his son away from me.

*****

Lust and I returned to an empty suite that had somehow been cleaned up. There was no sign of the train wreck that had taken place in the suite less than two hours before and I was thankful that it not only was clean but that Ebony seemed to have packed her things and was gone.

“Can you believe they want me, little old me?” I asked, as I lay beside Lust on my heart-shaped bed.

“Of course I can. You’re Jezebel, the new cummer of the year.” He joked as he ran his hands up my thigh. I had over done it on the drinks and he half way had to carry me to my room.

“I would have never thought that fucking on film would have taken me all the way here, do you know what I mean? My name will be on a big marquee tomorrow night and people will leave their homes just to come see me. That is fucking crazy,” I said as I looked up into the ceiling mirror. Big things were happening to me, but inside I still felt like the same wide eyed girl who went to L.A. to become a star. I still felt like the plain normal person I had always been. I still needed to see myself as a rising porn star that was starting to get recognized for her ability to fuck on film…well. Lust noticed my change of mood and knew that it could have gone south at any moment. The highs of our profession were short. You may have felt like you were on top of the world for a long minute but for some, when the reality of remembering that it was all because of porn set in, the high quickly became a low. So my sweet and thoughtful distant lover got my mind off of the issue at hand.

“How about I get a preview of what you’re going to dish out tomorrow night. Maybe I can give you some pointers,” he joked, but all in all seriousness, he had missed me sexually too. He would have killed to see me get on that pole and get a rise in his pants. He hadn’t known that I had been doing some moonlighting around L.A.’s top strip clubs so he was in for a surprise. I stood up and while almost tipping to the side, I managed to slip my dress off. I picked up the remote and started to dance to the first song that came on as he sat in one of the chairs. He was surprised as hell when I jumped on the pole and spun around while doing a split in the air. I stripped for him like a pro.

“Damn, Jasmine, who knew you had these moves under your belt? Think you’re in the wrong profession,” he joked.

I watched him as he gazed at me. Something was different in the way he stared at me. At the clubs, the men there looked at you like a piece of meat. You could read them from a mile away. They were just thinking about doing nasty things to you. Yes Lust wanted me but it went deeper than just wanting to know how my insides felt. I stopped dancing and walked over to him. I got on my knees in front of him and wrapped my arms around his waist. I leaned into him and rested my head in his lap. He felt so strong, so safe, and so good. He reached over for the remote and turned the radio off. His hand rested in my hair as I said the things that had seemed to be suffocating me for the last few months.

“I didn’t know if I would ever see you again. My mind was filled with thoughts of you and I really didn’t know what to do with them. I didn’t know if I should hate you or if you hated me for reacting so crazy after getting the information Breeze gave me. I wasn’t sure if you did ever see me, that you would even let me explain and—.”

“Jasmine…”

He waited for me to look up at him.

“There hasn’t been a day where I don’t think of you. I—.”

“So why didn’t you come and see me Lust? We work for the same company; it wouldn’t have been that hard to find me. I just kept asking myself why hasn’t he been up here, why?”

“To tell you the truth, I didn’t know if you wanted to see me. I didn’t know if me walking into Fantasy Pictures was going to set you off or if it would fuck up things between you and Breeze.”

I scrunched up my face and was somewhat disgusted by the mere mention of Breeze.

“You act like he’s my man or something.”

“Isn’t he?”

His question left me speechless. Did Breeze fit in the spot reserved for “my man”?

“WELL?”

His question came out a level higher than the last. The thought of that “slimy motherfucka” as Lust liked to call him, touching me pissed him off. He had known Breeze for many years and had heard some things about how he got down when it came to business. The only reason he even dealt with him was because of the pay and the name he had built for himself through the company.

“NO, he is NOT my man. He, he’s just there.”

That was the best that I could come up with and that didn’t get past Lust. He knew it was a bullshit answer.

“Well, how can we ever get “HERE” if his occupying that space, you can’t have the both of us you know?”

“I never said that I wanted the both of you. I know what I want, but my question is, if he’s available?”

He knew what I was talking about. His marriage from what I had heard was still in limbo.

He leaned up in the chair and reached in his pocket. He pulled out his stash of weed and a blunt. This conversation as about to get deep and he needed something to calm his nerves.

“Want to join me?”

I didn’t answer verbally but took the illegal drug and went to work. Ten minutes later I was giving the freshly rolled weed the last lick before lighting it. We did nothing but inhale and exhale for the next 20 minutes or so. My last inquisition hung in the air with the smoke that escaped out of our lips. With both of us deep in our own thoughts, the blunt finished with him putting it out only when it reached “roach” status. When Lust stood up, I had no idea where he was going but he soon showed me. He took my hand and helped me up. He walked over to the couch and asked me to join him. I sat next to him, facing him, kind of afraid of what he was about to say.

“Look, Jasmine, I know that my situation right now is unclear. I wish I had more to say about it beside that I’m trying to get a divorce. I am not living with her nor do I still sleep with her. The only thing that has blocked things from moving faster is my son. She wants to keep him so that she can keep cashing the hefty checks I supply and I just want my son.”

“You have a son?”

My heart hurt for him. His eyes said it all. He wasn’t lying. I could tell. There was a pain in his eyes as he spoke about that part of his life, and although I didn’t have all of the information, I knew that it was probably DRAMA-filled. As he went more in depth with the ins and outs of his private pain. I wished that I could have just snapped my fingers and fixed it all but that dream was just that, a dream. Another 30 minutes had past and I was yet again left speechless and amazed.

“So is she using your profession against you, can she do that being that she strips?”

“She can do anything with the high priced lawyer she hired with my money. But, it’s cool; I don’t give a shit about the money. I just want to make sure that my son is safe and is not just being left with whatever nigga she’s with at the moment. That’s the shit that really burns me up. I know some of the dudes that she be fucking with and they are straight up trash. I’m talking about drug dealers, pimps, and stick up kids, but she doesn’t give a damn. All she cares about is money.”

I watched as the hurt in his eyes turned into anger. His hand shook as the irritation of his place in life got the best of him. I sat quietly as he rolled up because I really didn’t have much to say. There really was nothing that would have made him feel better about what he was telling me. So as he lit up again, I turned the conversation to myself.

“I don’t really know how to explain Breeze and I. I can’t say that I love him and I can’t say that I even like him all of the time. That’s kind of what I mean when I say that he’s just there. It’s not all bad with him, there are times when we are on a high and everything seems to be going okay. I’ve learned to somewhat read him and go along with his program, but, I, it’s---.”

“What do you mean by go along with his program?” Lust asked as he blew out a big cloud of smoke. I took the blunt from his waiting fingers and tried to put my truth to words.

“Breeze likes things his way and when you try to go against what he wants, he gets sour. It’s just easier to shut up and ride his wave. I just get tired of fighting with him all of the time. Because I am really alone back in LA, I guess that having him and his shitty ways is better than being alone. I’ve never really been good at that. The silence of loneliness drives me crazy.”

“Can’t stand yourself, huh?”

When he asked that it caught me off guard. I tried to think of what he could have meant by his question as I sucked my green treat.

“I know that it’s a hard question to stomach, but don’t worry. I’ve been there. Being alone gives you too much time to think. It pushes you to look at what you have chosen to push aside.”

“Have you ever regretted doing porn, does the thought ever make you sick?”

He got a funny look on his face once I stopped talking, but I could read it.

“This wasn’t my first choice in life but I say fuck it. I’ve done it and I can’t change that. Even if I quit fucking on film today, what I have already done will be on film forever.”

He made total sense.

“Do you like what you do; does it make you sick when you think about it?”

I took a deep pull off of the blunt and said, “I choose not to think about it.”

With that he moved on.

“So what do we do now?” he asked. I handed him the weed filled cigar and reached for the remote.

“Now I dance.”

I moved my body to the music and gave him a lap dance. We put aside all of our bullshit and decided to act as if none of it existed. The more I danced the further away it all went, and with our bodies on fire, we headed to the bed to do what had been on our minds the whole time we were away from each other. He took off his clothes in record time. After the moments wasted with time apart, all we wanted to do was fuck the shit out of each other, and we did.