PORN STARS... More Than Just Moans (64 page)

“How could that motherfucker do this to me? I gave him everything, and he told me that Ebony would be his last time, and now this?”

DeeDee and I just sat there not knowing what to say. What do you say in this situation? He paced my living room fuming, disgusted, and ready to kill. We consoled him for the next thirty minutes or so but I don’t think that we were much help. After a while, we just sat back, smoked, drank, and listened.

“You know what, fuck this? Fuck him, fuck our relationship and fuck love. I’m over this bullshit. I’m over crying for this no good motherfucker when he clearly doesn’t give a fuck, and that bitch is HAVING HIS BABY?”

He half way yelled as he wiped his tears away. I watched him closely, trying to figure out if he was just putting on a show for us, trying to prove that he’s not some love sick puppy who was hurt and confused. I watched his eyes, his hands, and his body trying to find a lie, a hidden truth about his real emotions that he was maybe trying to bury. However, the scary thing is, I couldn’t find it. Yes he was upset and hurt but that was just on the surface, the expected. What wasn’t the norm was how fast he was to be able to shove the hurt aside and lean on the anger.

“So, what are you two trying to do tonight, and please don’t say nothing ‘cause if I go home I’m liable to kill that nigga.”

So we did what any good friend would do, we stayed with him, ordered in food, and got fucked up.

*****

I heard from Jamar every day for the next week and that night, he was going to a club appearance that was being held in the heart of L.A. with me. I had been on the phone with him night and day since I gave him the bad news. That really didn’t bother me, he was a friend who needed me, and I would be there at two in the morning or two in the middle of the day. What was bothering me was that I really hadn’t heard from Lanell. A call here and there but not like we used to communicate, I was used to hearing from him 3, 4, 5 times a day. Now it had been two full days since his last call, and I was losing my mind. I only had two days till I would go to Vegas and see him but I didn’t like this not calling business. I needed my Lanell fix so what did I do, I persistently called hoping that I would hear his voice.

“
Hey, I can’t talk, leave a message and I’ll get back to you.”

Again, his fucking voicemail, I can’t take this shit.

“So are you ready?” Jamar asked as he picked up my duffle bag. I nodded yes and was out of the door before my thoughts caught back up with me again.

In the car, I asked Jamar how things were going at home. I need to talk to stop myself from thinking.

“I still haven’t said anything to him. I feel like if I do, I’m gonna explode and stab him, or worse. I just need time to figure out how to handle things.

“What, you gonna go to jail over some dude, please, dick ain’t worth all of that?”

I said as I rolled my eyes.

“This is no longer about dick; it’s about the betrayal, the dishonesty, and the knife in my motherfucking back. He walks around the house as if he’s not living a double life, like he doesn’t have a baby on the way with a fucking FEMALE. Every time I look at him…I just wanna, I wanna fucking light him on fire.”

I smiled as I watched Jamar white knuckled the steering wheel. That was the same feeling I had in the restaurant.

“You must think I’m crazy, huh, talking about burning my man and all?”

He caught me smiling and felt like I was judging him. He didn’t want me to see him like this but he couldn’t help it. When it comes to the matter of the heart, no one should be held accountable for the unstable thoughts that creep through their minds. In that state, we are all unhealthy, unbalanced, and incapable of making the right choices, but then again, what about the people who are able to stay calm. The ones who don’t let their broken hearts lead them down that slippery slope that is stained with blood, lined with dead bodies, decorated with fragments of traumatized hearts, and the keeper of the insane and the irrational mind. What about those people who left that road untraveled, and where were they, where did they hide, where was the sanity that housed their minds? How could I get it, see it, learn it. How could I find them so that maybe they could tell me what their secret was? How were they able to handle the hurt that had your insides feeling like it had evaporated? The hurt that actually gives you chest pains, as if all of the love you had to offer was dead and gone. Where were they, ‘cause I sure as hell never met them, never seen them, and didn’t understand them? So I listened to his rant and prayed that sometime soon, he would be the chemically balanced Jamar he always was.

*****

“Damn, girl this place is packed, are you nervous?” Jamar asked as he came into the tiny locker room that held half naked stripper who click-clacked in and out as their names were announced. I looked around and tried to wish myself to the Black Oasis. It was nothing like this hole in the wall. There I had my own dressing room, my own bathroom, and the dressing room there was nicely decorated.

“Why are you looking like that, it’s not that bad in here,” Jamar said as he noticed the disgust in my eyes.

Granted, it wasn’t that bad. It was clean and…and it was considered high class for a strip club. Truth be told, I would have been happy performing here a few months ago. It really wasn’t the hole in the wall I was making it out to be but compared to Vegas, it was trash.

“I know, I’m just tripping, used to the high life now,” I said as I spoke in proper English voice.

“It’s gonna be okay. You just have to put on a 20 minute set or so and that will be it. After signing a couple of DVD’s and magazine covers, you’ll be done.”

He was right; there really wasn’t nothing much to it. So I told myself to cheer up. I was lucky to be making seven thousand for about two hours of work. Plus, it wasn’t the club that had me feeling down, it was the lack of Lanell’s calls.

“Two minutes Jezebel,” the guy who was running the show announced. Jamar walked me stage side and went and took his seat. I looked out and saw a full house. I shook the nerves off and waited for the DJ to call my name. The music came on and I got ready.
Rude Boy
by Rihanna came on and I walked out and went to work.

“
Come here, rude boy, boy, can you get it up? Come here rude boy, boy, is you big enough?”

I let her seductive lyrics take over me and I became the secret slut Breeze groomed me to be. I swayed my hips, rode the pole, climbed it, slid down, spread my legs, and popped my ass like a seasoned stripper. Men came up to the stage and slipped five, 10, 20, and 50 dollar bills down my G-string and top. Once the second song ended and
Do I
, by Alice Smith came on per my song request list, I slowed things down as she sang.

“I must express the way it feels to ride all day, without a care, conversation and a coffee.”

I swung my hair, took off my top and crawled over to a hand I saw holding a one hundred dollar bill. I sat at the edge of the stage and spread my legs and wined my hips to the beat. Once my big tipper leaned forward, I saw his face. It was Breeze, almost salivating over what used to be his. I felt his chilled hand slide up my thigh as his eyes fucked me. As the music played, under the dimmed lights, and the absence of Lanell’s affection, I reminisced on the lust we had. I turned over and got on my knees, his favorite position. I leaned over, made my chin touch the stage, and as
Suitelady
by Maxwell came one, I did a split and worked my ass.

“
It’s been so long since I have got you lady, since I have had your brown legs wrapped around me. The smell of she just drives me crazy, imagine what the sight of her can do, wooo.”

Damn, was that song true to form? He stood up and without me knowing, grabbed me and turned me around. I watched as the security guard headed toward the stage only to be stopped by the owner. Breeze was the prince on Tinsel Town and could do whatever the fuck her wanted, and he knew that too.

He pulled me close and with his right hand pushed my chest down, asking me to lie back without words. As Maxwell sang about not being the type of guy who would want to settle down, Breeze lifted my left leg and put it on his shoulder.

“
Love can do, me and you.”

The song was our soundtrack as he leaned into my foot and kissed from my high heeled toes, up to my thigh. The club was on fire as the patrons looked on wishing that they had the power to do what he was doing. Once he got to my garter, he leaned back up, stuck another hundred dollar bill in it and took his seat. I had to force myself to stand up without falling. Breeze was a slimy bastard but he did know how to turn my freak button on high. The last song I had chosen, Pay Me by Miguel was coming on as I got back on the pole and sped up my pace. I tried to let the music take hold of me and prayed that it would block any further thoughts of Breeze fucking me.

“
Give me Pound, give me Pound, give me Euro, give me Yen. I’m international baby, I’m international baby, I’m international baby, I’m international pay me.”

It wasn’t easy getting my energy back up to a level ten after almost cumming right there on the stage, but I did. I worked my shit as I stole glances at the devil I loved to hate. He was back to playing his game of human chess and yet again, I was his queen to be had.

*****

“Girlllllll,” Jamar said, as he burst into the locker room.

“What the fuck was that about, you and Breeze. People were going crazy off of that’s shit?”

“I don’t even know, it just happened, did you see him out there when you when and sat down?” I asked as I cleaned myself up and changed clothes. I went from my thong to a Fantasy Pictures baby-tee; very short shorts, and the staple six-inch clear stripper platform heels.

“Nah, I didn’t see him at all but you two were on fire. You could feel the sexual tension between y’all. Thank god Lust, I mean Lanell wasn’t here.”

He corrected himself after he remembered me asking him to call my man by his real name and not his porn name. Calling him Lust was okay, but I now knew his real name, and hearing it was music to my ears.

“Well, that’s all it is, tension,” I said, trying to convince myself more than him.

“Yeah, okay, but I know what I saw. You two were ready to fuck the brakes off of each other.”

“Okay, Jazz, they’ll be ready for you in a minute or two. They’re getting the table ready now. Do you still want to come out to Lady’s Yankin’?”

I told him yes as Jamar and I laughed.

“You’re not really gonna walk out to that song are you?”

I stood up and threw my hands on my hips.

“You should have never put me on to it; I can’t get it out of my head. It’s your fault so suffer through it.”

That was my new ghetto anthem. It was country, had a tight beat, and was nasty. What else did you need in a strip club named Down South Sexy? They were known to have the fattest asses that were imported from the south.

“I can’t even lie, I fuck betta when I’m drinkin’, ride dick like a pro, throw the pussy like I’m famous.”

I bobbed my head to the beat as I walked out and took my seat at the table. There was a long line of people waiting for the sign and meet and I would deliver on every level. I stayed until everyone in line was served. I looked around for Breeze while I met my fans but there was no sign of him, he was long gone.

*****

“Hey Lanell, I don’t know what’s going on but you need to call me, are you okay…just call and at least let me know if you’re okay.”

I ended the call and thought about calling again but what good would that do? I had heard from him only twice in the past week and the last call a day and a half ago was short…way too short for my liking. The phone rang, I picked up, and he was brief.

“
Hey Jasmine, how have you been?”

How have I been? I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself but instead I stayed cool.

“Been doing okay, also been wondering where you’ve been. What keeping you from calling?”

He took in a deep breath but didn’t say anything and I wasn’t in the mood for his guessing game.

“Is there something wrong, if there is, you should just tell me? I thought things were going good, but now, now you don’t even call. What about our plans, our future---?”