PORN STARS... More Than Just Moans (67 page)

“…a pregnant girl, and he, well he, from what it looked like to me.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted her to speak up so I stood up and faced her before asking.

“What did it look like?”

When she said “dating” I lost it. Why the hell would Tyree date someone when he was dating me, and a pregnant girl at that? I felt in my heart that she was thinking negatively and automatically assumed the worst in Tyree. I was ready to give him the benefit of the doubt. I knew the other porn company that Tyree worked for had him working with men and women, at least that’s what he told me. He had to be hanging out with a co-star.

I sat back down because I was convinced that’s who she was. Jasmine got up to grab her cell phone and then sat down beside me and played some videos of Tyree and this woman. I couldn’t believe it and thought my eyes were deceiving me. It had to be someone who looked like Tyree. I played the videos a few more times before reality sunk in. I felt betrayed and hurt. How could he not only cheat on me, but be stupid enough to get some bitch pregnant?

I don’t know what it was about seeing Tyree with another woman but it hurt even worst the second time around. I think it’s because he had been lying the entire time, and because he wasn’t just fucking this chick like he was doing to Ebony. In the videos it looked like he was in love with her. The way he held her hand, looked her in the eyes, and touched her, crushed me. I wanted him to treat me and look at me like that. Don’t get me wrong there have been times far and few where I recognized that look but never out in public. I got teary eyed because I felt like Tyree rammed his hand through my chest, squeezed, twisted, and turned until he ripped my heart out, then stomped on it.

Not only was I hurt but there were so many questions I wanted to ask. How long has this been going on? Was he sure the baby was his? Was he really planning on leaving me or was he going to continue living two lives? Did he ever truly love me? Why beg and plead for another chance if you’re just going to fuck it up again? Why not just be a man and go your own separate way. So we both can find the person we are meant to be with, without any road blocks. Then anger kicked in and I was lucky Tyree was on camera and not in front of me because I would’ve gone to jail.

Seeing the pictures only made it worse because he was kissing her and rubbing her belly as if he was a normal, straight man. I felt like I didn’t even know him, hell I’d bet she didn’t even know Tyree. I paced the room trying to figure out the answers to my own questions. I was also trying to decide how I was going to handle the situation, and what my next move was. I couldn’t just kick him out since he paid for half of the house and his name was on the lease, but I knew right away my feelings for Tyree would never be the same. Luckily I was with my two closest friends and they helped me get through the night. We got twisted, watched some comedies, and talked about anything and everything so I wouldn’t concentrate on how devastated I really was. After thinking about it over and over all night, I finally passed out on Jasmine’s couch.

Chapter 29
 

Our bodies danced to the Devil’s music.

I stayed in Vegas for an extra three days on my dime. Maybe I just wasn’t ready to go back to L.A. and face reality or maybe I just couldn’t bring myself to leave the town I would soon call home, I wasn’t sure why I stayed. All I did was order room service during the day, and at night I would go down to the casino, gamble away large sums of cash, and get drunk until the wee hours of the morning. Once in a while a fan would recognize me or a guy would hit on me, but other than that, nothing else really happened there.

On the third morning of waking up with a hangover, surrounded by clothes, garbage that I had allowed to pile up, and with the same feeling of emptiness that I prayed would go away with each drink I took and every dollar I wasted, I decided it was time to go home. I had called in sick to Fantasy Pictures and told them that my vagina was still healing. Mr. Cappello told me that I could have four days off but that I had to be back in for a big interview he booked for me the following week, but I said to hell with Vegas, I needed to do other things to get over Lanell. So I flew home, spent the next day in the house and the day after that, I was back at work.

“Happy to see you back at work, how are you feeling?” Breeze asked as he walked up behind me. I turned around and couldn’t help but smile. He was looking fly and had that smile that I missed seeing on his face.

“Doing okay, I guess. I’m not filming any sex scene, just head and the interview, right?”

“You don’t even have to do that if you don’t want.”

I stopped walking and looked him dead in the face. I have never heard Breeze tell any of his actors that they didn’t have to do something just because they didn’t feel like it. He must have been having a hell of a day to make that suggestion. I looked at him and tried to see the Breeze that once was there, the man that turned me out and kept me going. He used to be such a man, THEE man to me. But now, for some reason, I just couldn’t see past the man he had become, and I use the term man very loosely.

“No, it’s just, well, I know that you may not be one hundred percent with all that went down and—.”

“And what exactly are you saying went down?” I couldn’t help but ask. I wanted to see if he was now able to realize what that crazy bitch did to me, on purpose. I stared him down with piercing eyes, and for the first time, he looked away first. Guess he couldn’t look at me for too long without reality setting in, guess the truth was hard to face.

“Well, you know, the Tanya thing, it looked painful and I don’t want you to feel like you have to rush back to work for me, I know that you need time to heal.”

“That Tanya thing?” Guess he still couldn’t say it, what a shame.

“Love the show you put on the other night, you really have stepped up your game since the first couple of times, huh? Looks like you’re really going to do well at the Black Oasis.”

Just the mere mention of the Black Oasis brought me back to the last time there, it depressed me deeply and I didn’t want Breeze to see it.

“Well, I couldn’t be your little Jasmine forever could I? Time here, doing what I do, it teaches you a lot, and I guess working the pole like a pro is one of them,” I said with a light chuckle. Never let them see you down, that’s what I was going for. We just stood there, him looking at what used to be, wishing that he was smart enough to have made the right choices. As for me, I was just lost, hurt and feeling the loneliness that occupied my bed. I was starting to learn that I was one of those people who couldn’t stand her own company for too long. It gave me too much time to think about the should of, could of or would of’s, and I needed that like I needed a hole in my head.

“So is it okay if I just go home until I feel better I know that I have to do the interview but as far as filming…can that wait?”

“Sure thing, Jazzy, go ahead…I miss you, you know that, right?”

I could have said and asked a lot of things in that moment but…why? He moved close enough to me to sniff my perfume and spoke as if his life depended on it.

“I don’t have much regrets in my life but the way I treated you, well that’s my biggest one. I think about you all of the time, it’s like you’re haunting me.”

I looked at him but still had nothing to say.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry, for everything, I really am.”

So much had gone down, so many things he’s said, so many things he’s done, or didn’t do, what else was left? With him, you never knew what was real, what was fake. He was an enigma, hard to figure out, impossible to understand, and unworthy of trust. Yet standing there, with his dick tucked between his legs, I felt something for him, for our time together, and for the lack of companionship that we both had.

“Do you think that I could check in on you, while you’re off I mean. Just to make sure you’re okay?”

I tried to fight the word that was racing up my throat. I tried to swallow it so that it wouldn’t surface. I even tried not breathing, hoping that I’d pass out before I let it out, but it was choking me. The desire to say it was debilitating to my willpower. So there we were, standing in the place where we stared, I gave up on Lanell and I, I gave up on love, and I gave up on the thought of starting a new life with him in Vegas. Maybe this is what was supposed to be, Breeze and me.

“Sure.”

*****

The next week flew by without me noticing. I spent most of my days in bed. I watched old movies from the 90’s and puffed on the packages that I would have Blaze deliver. My cell phone stayed off and my home phone was unplugged. Breeze hadn’t come by and in a way, I was relieved. I thought that maybe I had made the wrong choice out of desperation. I knew that he was bad for me. Even though I was still nursing the fresh wounds Lanell left behind, a Breeze Band-Aid would just have covered it up, instead of healing it. I shut the world out and wanted it that way. I hadn’t told anyone what happened with Lanell, fearing that speaking it would somehow make it more real, as if it weren’t already. I wouldn’t allow myself to call him anymore either. I had all the information I needed, why make myself suffer even more? So as I watched
Love Jones
,
Poetic Justice
,
The Best Man
,
Boomerang
,
Jason’s Lyric
, and
The Player’s Club
over and over, I purposely removed any thought of Lanell from my smoke filled brain and replaced them with the movies that had inspired me to head to L.A. and pursue an acting career.

Midway through my fourth run of
Poetic Justice
for the week, I heard a knock on the door. I looked at my stash and knew that it couldn’t have been Blaze, I had a fresh package. I threw on my robe and went to the door. I had just finished thanking god that Breeze never showed up but there he was. I thought about not opening the door, knowing that nothing good could have come out of him walking through it, but being alone in that apartment had me going crazy. My self-imposed seclusion was starting to wear on me and I needed someone, anyone there with me. I needed to be heard, seen, touched, loved, and I knew that Breeze would give me all of those things, even if his attention was short lived.

“Hey Breeze, what took you so long?” I asked knowing that this would pump his head up. He needed to feel wanted just as badly as I did.

“I have been calling both of your phones but couldn’t get you. So I called in and told my dad I would either be coming in late or not at all. How are you feeling? What have you been doing? I even asked Jamar and DeeDee if they heard from you and they both said no. Is something wrong, well besides the obvious?”

I thought about opening up to him and letting him know how devastated I was over what happened with Lanell. Then I looked at him, remembered who I was dealing with and said “Hell No” to myself. He would have been too happy to hear about my misery. I pictured him praying for the day some shit like this happening, and I wasn’t giving him that satisfaction.

“Nothing really, just laying low, trying to forget what your bitch did to me.”

I got up and headed to my bedroom before he could even answer. I knew that he was hoping that I wouldn’t bring Tanya up but I really wasn’t over it yet. In some ways, I still wasn’t over how he acted in his father’s office. I knew that he was upset with me for cooling things off with him. I knew that he didn’t understand how I had the nerve to speak and act the way I did toward him. Especially, after helping me blow up, but what about the way he spoke and treated me? Did he think that because he was the son of the porn king that he could treat people like shit and make them jump to his every whim? Well, it may have taken me a while to get up from under his thumb but once I was out, I saw the light.