PORN STARS... More Than Just Moans (30 page)

“What, did you call the save a porn star hotline?”

I paced my bedroom with a fat, hydro filled blunt that was half way smoked in my right hand, and a half empty glass that I had filled with vodka in my left. My heart raced as my mind seemed to jump to every conclusion. My active brain would not let me sleep, eat, or shit. My imagination had turned me into a self- taught doctor who had all of the answers, or so I thought. My bowels had been loose in the past week only to leave me constipated a week later. I was awoken by nightmares and night sweats every time I tried to close my eyes. During the day, my skin was clammy and I threw up everything I ate. I felt that the truth was staring at me every time I looked in the mirror. I had lost ten pounds in the past week and for me, that was next to impossible. I had been the same weight since high school, never fluctuating not even a pound lighter or heavier. I was FUCKED, and I found that to be kind of ironic being that I was in the fucking industry. I played the last few months over and over as if thinking about it would allow me to change it. How could this have happened? Well, that’s kind of a dumbass question. I’m a fucking porn star who was dumb enough to have unprotected sex, both on and off screen.

My nights were gloomy and they were followed by even darker days. Everything was put on hold, including my fate. I wasn’t working nor was I living. What was supposed to be my life was filled with booze and weed. I found myself drowning my existence in the substances that I brought both at the store and in the ally that my weed man worked out of. Breeze seemed to be unfazed by the horror that awaited us. I wasn’t the only one in limbo, if the sayings true about you sleeping with everyone your partner has been with, then that meant he’d fucked both Krave and Konceited. Oh, and let’s not forget Konceited’s banger, Domingo. Yet again, the results would be the same, and that left us all FUCKED! In my moment of solitude, I had prayed to God and told him that if He got me out of this one, I would try to better myself. I would try to find a way to become a better person. Maybe even try to find the person I once was. The person who was lost or who had run away, hell maybe I had ran away from her, I didn’t know. I just knew that the road that I was traveling on wasn’t paved for me and I needed to take a detour, fast. The only problem was, I was enjoying my journey, well minus this HIV scare, the hating bitches at work, and the shadiness that Breeze seemed to create. The more I was around him, the more he exposed his real self to me, and I didn’t like that person at all. There are people who are the devil in disguise, but with Breeze he was the devil in person, the devil that lets you see him without a mask, and I don’t know if it scared me or if I liked his honesty about who he was. There were so many things that I questioned and when you’re spending time alone, it gives you the time that you don’t usually make to contemplate on unanswered issues. It gives you time to clear the smoke and discover the bullshit that was buried under the clouded pile of mistakes. FUCK, what was I going to do? It seemed like I was suffocating and I had no way of getting any oxygen. My job, my so-called man, and even my friends, or maybe the lack thereof, were all taking a toll on me. I needed reassurance that everything would be okay, but even that seemed hard to come by. My circle revolved around my job so that meant that everyone was on edge. Everyone had to be tested so everyone was in the same boat that I was drowning in. I refused to go into work and mope around; I was depressed enough without having to see other worried faces. Filming had come to a halt but we were still expected to go in for photo shoots and interviews. “Fuck that bullshit” is what I told Breeze when he came over and demanded that I go into work that morning.

“You need to get it together Jazzy. I hope that you don’t think that you can just take off every time something goes wrong. You have to work until the results are in like everyone else.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. Breeze was really acting like none of this affected him. I couldn’t even count the number of times that we had sex after my threesome with the boys. But there he stood, all high and mighty, as if he was a Teflon-don, as if he was invincible.

“I don’t give a shit about work right now. Work can kiss my ass, and if you throw my contract in my face, I swear to God I’m gonna tell you the fuck off.”

I knew that my contract would be his next line of defense so I warned him before I unleashed the beast that he had yet to meet.

“You’re gonna do what? Anyway, all I’m trying to do is help you get back on track. The world doesn’t stop because you’re having a bad day. I had to deal with my dad’s foot up my ass over this bullshit yet I still got my ass up and went to work. And by the way, YOU ARE UNDER CONTRACT.”

Once the last of his words left his mouth, it was as if my body was on fire. Rage filled me like a sink overflowed. I jumped out of my body and half way charged and walked toward him. I leaned over and extended my hand out so that it could reach him where he sat. The first slap across his face left him stunned, the second left him pissed and hurt. Never did he think that I would ever be so disrespectful.

“Bitch, have you lost your mind?”

My body was shaking and I no longer had control over my emotions. My devastation had taken me to a place that was dark and cold hearted. The person who was supposed to be my rock didn’t give a fuck about how I was feeling and only cared about “The business”.

“That’s right, I have lost my mind, and I’m in no hurry to find it. I’m just about sick of your fucking ass. All you care about is yourself and your pockets. You’re a fucking poor excuse for a man, friend, or whatever else you consider yourself to be. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE,” I screamed as I shoved him toward the door. When he pushed back, I went tumbling down. Not that he pushed so hard, but all the drinking and smoking I had done was starting to catch up with me. And even though I was on the floor, that didn’t stop me, it just added fuel to the vengeful fire that he had lit inside of me.

“You motherfucking bitch, you would push me back. I’m a female that you’re not scared of, but when daddy yells you shrivel up like the pussy that you are. Get out, you fucking coward, I can’t even stand to look at your bitch ass.”

I dug deep and my words came down like the wrath of God. I knew that this would cut him to his soul and the thought of that pleased me. He had struggled with the daddy- son syndrome for most of his life. It was always at the core of his being and thought that he was able to mask it well, but I watched. I watched and devoured that information. There had been many times that it was fighting its way up my throat but I held it back. I needed it and wanted to regurgitate it when I felt that it would have the most impact. His face was red with fury and his hands were trembling. First, I smiled. It was a smile that undressed my true intentions and left it naked. I wasn’t trying to hide them in this moment of hatred. I wanted Breeze to see it, I wanted him to feel it deep down inside.

“That’s right, daddy’s boy, that’s all you really are, A BOY. You run around like a chicken with its head cut off as soon as your father barks. The funny part is, you really think that you are a man. You walk around the studio as if you’re THEE MAN. No one is buying that shit but you. And you know what’s worse, they all laugh at your dumbass once you’re out of sight. They laugh because they all see that you’re trying to be something that you’re not. You put on your grown man’s suit and walk around like you’re the boss, as if you’re DADDY. Shit, we all know that you’re not. You couldn’t even get me nominated for NEW CUMMER. You knew damn well that this would be the only year that I would be eligible and you fucked that opportunity up. You had to go to your father to see what he could do. I’ll be surprised if I get any nods at all. Boss, my ass.”

Once the word daddy left my mouth, my smile had turned into full- fledged laughter. The lack of control that he had for his emotions as a man turned me off toward him, it disgusted me. He let what should have been insignificant mockery rock him completely. I didn’t know if he was about to cry or attack me for the evil I had spit at him. But, his anger did not sway my feelings on the matter; it was more like an instigator who was throwing water on a grease fire. My laughter was like a roar of thunder that seemed to echo through my whole apartment.

“You know what, Jazzy, I’m gonna get out of here before you go too far down this road and crash. You’re high and clearly drunk so I’ll chuck all this bullshit up to your intoxication. Cause if I don’t…well, I’ll leave it at that,” Breeze said as he walked over to the couch and grabbed his keys. I had crawled over to the coffee table and picked up the only thing that had been giving me refuge. I finished the rest of the vodka that was in the glass and just sat right there on the floor. It was as if I had just reentered my body and was surveying the damages. I watched him get his keys, straighten his shirt that I had grabbed on while attempting to throw him out, and walk to the door. Once he stood outside of my apartment door, he left me with some parting words.

“I’m gonna need some time to get over the disgusting statements that you’re probably gonna call “your feelings”. And since you seem to forget that beyond what you or anyone else thinks, I am the fucking boss. So how about you stay home, think about things and let me get back to you.”

“What am I suppose—.”

“Oh, no, baby girl, you’ve said enough. Don’t call me, maybe I’ll call you. Don’t worry; I’ll let it be known that I have asked you to stay home for a while. How long, well I just don’t know yet.”

With that, he turned around and slammed my front door. I stood up, refilled my glass, and rolled another blunt. I couldn’t help but think that maybe I had gone too far.

*****

Five days later, I was still drunk and somewhat high. It was getting harder and harder to get out of the house and drive down to the ally where I brought my poison. Like all drug dealers, my street pharmacist didn’t stay anywhere too long. I always found myself bumping into a new one who had what I would be looking for. My weed stash may have been low but the liquor cabinet kept me wet. I drunk so much alcohol that I was practically inebriated every waking moment, and since I couldn’t sleep, well there wasn’t a sober moment in those passing weeks at all. People were starting to call me once they noticed my absence from Fantasy Pictures but I ignored them all. My pity party had hit a new low and I didn’t want anyone joining me. I would listen to my messages every other night and wished that I had the strength to accept their shoulder to cry on. But in my selfish loneliness, I didn’t want to be burdened by their sorrow and worry. As I soaked in the tub for three hours, too weak to get out, my doorbell rang. I turned a deaf ear the first ten times, but by the fifteenth, I knew that my visitor wasn’t going anywhere.

“Who the fuck is it?” I asked as I stumbled to the door. I stubbed my toe on the foot of the couch and struggled to hold on to the towel I had just wrapped around myself.

“Fuck, I hate you, you piece of shit, damn that shit hurts,” I said to the couch as if it could hear me.

“Open up the goddamn door Jazzy. And who the hell are you talking to?” Jamar’s voice came through the door as if he was already inside of my apartment. He was worried and wanted in.

“What do you want, Kraaave?” I slurred his name as I took another sip.

“Just let me in.”

I unlocked the door, but left it closed. I walked over to the same couch that I stubbed my toe on and sat down in front of my dwindling weed pile.

“Where the fuck have you been, Jazz? Everyone has been worried and asking about you. When I asked Breeze where you were, he said that you were on punishment. What’s up with that shit?”

“Well, I’ve been right where you see me, and motherfuck a Breeze. Don’t say that piece of shits name around me.”

I sat there as Jamar watched me in shock and tried to gather the little bit of weed that I had left to roll.

“This is some bullshit, who’s a bitch gotta fuck to get high around here?” I asked as I wiped what I had left to the floor.

“Well, you know it ain’t me, I don’t swim for your team.”

I looked at Jamar and we both fell into deep laughter. He understood what I had been going through and cast no judgment. He sat down beside me and thank God that I had sat in the bath for so long. It gave me the opportunity to wash the smell of alcohol that was seeping through my pores.

“Low on the green, I see.”

“Sorry about that outburst. Smoking and drinking is the only thing that has been keeping me sane for the last week or so. Now that I’m running dry, I’m on the brink of a breakdown.”

“Looks like you’ve already jumped of that cliff honey. Look, let me call my man and he’ll be over here within a half an hour.”

I looked at him with a smirk that let him know that I knew who he was calling.

“Who are you trying to fool? I know that you just want to see Blaze and that long dick that he dropped on you not too long ago.”