PORN STARS... More Than Just Moans (31 page)

“Girl, please, he wasn’t the one doing the dropping, I was, but that’s beside the point, I’m trying to help you out. Do you want me to call him or what?”

I told him yes, as I laughed at his last statement. I was just happy that he put a smile on my face. I felt like it had been a long, long time since that happened.

*****

“What’s up, black people, I heard some ones running low on the Blaze.”

He thought that he was so clever for using his name in a sentence; it just made me laugh at his tall lanky ass. Jamar stepped aside and let Blaze in as my mouth began to water at the sight of my new weed man. I watched as Jamar flirted his way into an extra DUB for free and waited for my blunt to be filled. As the smoke hit the ceiling, my body relaxed and I let my mind take a detour from what had become its normal destination.

“So what’s been going on besides all the worrying?”

Blaze knew the deal without being filled in. He had received more calls than the norm that week. Everyone was always trying to escape something but lately we were all running from the same thing.

“Shit, just tired of dealing with fucked up people and fucked up situations, am I the only one?” I asked and waited for them to answer. None came verbally but they both nodded.

“I know that I’m not Miss know-it-all but damn, why he gotta treat me like his rag doll? Like he can tell me to eat shit and I’ll just grin and love the taste? Fuck that, I may let you win some but I won’t let you win them all,” I said as my thoughts went back to Breeze’s disrespectful ass. My fight with him left me heated and, although I hated to admit it, a little scared.

“Poor, Jazzy, she’s in such a fucked up situation. She’s fucking the heir to a multimillion dollar porn empire. Oh, my God, she’s a porn star, what is she doing with him? She will never be able to make it big; he will never be able to help her.”

I watched as Blaze made fun of me and wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. I knew what he was saying, and he was right.

“Lookie here, baby girl, you have positioned yourself so right that you wouldn’t get wet even if it rained. Use where you’re at and who you’re with to get what you want. Fuck a nigga and what he thinks or has to say. I wouldn’t pay that small shit no mind; I would work hard and prosper off that nigga’s sweat, yah dig?” He was right but I still wanted to tell them what happened, I didn’t want them to think that I was too much of a doormat; I needed them to know that I could put a man in his place too.

“Well, when he came over and started talking about how I need to get it together---.”

There was a knock on the door, which caused me to look around and wonder who the hell it could be. I really didn’t know too many people outside of Fantasy Pictures and wasn’t expecting anyone from there.

“Girl, open the door, Ebony told me that yah would be here.”

As soon as I heard the voice, I knew it was DeeDee’s loud ass. As soon as Jamar let her in, she pushed right pass him and came over to me.

“Girl, are you okay, we all have been asking about you. Breeze’s spoiled ass didn’t do anything crazy, did he? Walking around the warehouse talking about you on punishment, girl that couldn’t have been me,” she said as she took the blunt from Jamar and pulled hard on it. It was starting to be clear to me that Breeze had a big mouth. He wanted to make himself feel like a man and the only way he could do that was to spread the news that he had put me in what he thought was my place. He was such a little bitch that he disgusted me.

“You didn’t lock that door did you? I just saw your man and Ebony, they were sitting in his car I think smoking, I knocked on the window and scared the shit out of them, they said they would be in soon.”

“Damn, Jamar, what did you call, the save a porn star hotline?” I asked as I laughed and choked on the smoke that was in my lungs, and then came the knock.

“What took you so long baby?” Jamar asked as he kissed his lover hello. I watched for Blaze’s reaction and he didn’t let me down, it was quick but I caught it, he was envious. But he was too much of a slut to ever really keep a man, even when he had one and was happy, he always fucked things up.

“Well, Ebony called and once I told her that I was on my way to see Jazzy she asked me to swing by and give her a ride.”

I don’t really know why Ebony found that so funny but good weed will do that to you.

“Boy, you know I ain’t got shit going on right now, plus I heard what Breeze said about Jazzy and I wanted to make sure she was okay.”

“Goddamn, even you know what that mathafucka said? Yeah, I bet he didn’t tell you what really went down here. Roll another one for me, Blaze. I gotta tell yah this shit.”  

I was pissed to the max. And as I puffed on the feel good weed Blaze grew, I went over and half way reenacted the whole blow out between Breeze and I. By the middle of my story, everyone was damn near on the floor with laughter and by the end of it, so was I.

“Wait, wait, Jazzy, do the face; do the face. What did he look like when you said that daddy shit?” DeeDee asked as she held her sides. After another round of laughter it hit me that Breeze was really a joke. He only got respect because he was in charge.

“Girl, don’t say shit else until I finish using the bathroom. You got a bitch about to piss on herself.”

As DeeDee went to go pee, we passed around more blunts and laughed about company gossip, mostly about Breeze and Tanya, with DeeDee putting her two-cents in from the bathroom. And while we laughed and forgot about the gloomy fate that waited for some of us, it happened. One by one, our phones started to beep or vibrate. Blaze was the first one to get the text and the laughter that oozed out of him with ease was cut short. He looked like he had gotten the weed knocked out of him. Then I watched as everyone got the text. It seemed as if everyone was stuck, frozen even. The only one I couldn’t see was DeeDee, but her silence spoke louder than she ever could. As for me, I was the last one of us to get a text but by then, I had already known what it was about. Although no one had spoken a word, I knew what time it was. So I got up, slammed back what was left in my glass, picked up the rolled blunts and put a flame to both of them. I handed Jamar one of them to pass around and took the other one to the bedroom and got dressed.

*****

We all walked into Fantasy Pictures feeling high, drunk, or both. Sitting in that big warehouse with all of the actors made me feel like I was in the Twilight Zone. The same faces that greeted me every day somehow looked different. The smiles and laughter that filled the air was dry and thick, forcing us to face the truth about our profession. We would always be at risk no matter how much we tried to protect ourselves.

“Okay, people, one by one you will be called by one of the three nurses. Your results will remain confidential unless you reveal them. Some of you may be asked to stay behind, and unless you are asked to do so, please leave after getting your results.”   

I watched as Mr. Cappello spoke and something told me that we all would not be getting good news. So when the names started to be called, I sat in my chair hardly breathing. The closer and closer they got to the R’s. I gripped each side of my chair until my hands hurt, and even then, I didn’t let go.

“Rodriguez.”

SHIT! That was me. Okay, I can do this; it’s just one foot in front of the other. Reminding myself how to walk was just the half of it. It was as if I had lost my hearing, sight, and taste buds. The closer and closer I got to that tent, passing out seemed like the only sensible reaction.

“You’re not Mr. Rodriguez, are you honey?”

I looked at the nurse as if she had lost her mind.

“You did call me right, Jasmine Rodriguez, I’m a female?”

“No, I’m looking for Jamar Rodriguez honey.”

I started to laugh so hard that I had to hold onto the wall for support. I had just taken what felt like my last walk before death and it was all in vain. People around me were looking at me as if I was plumb crazy but I didn’t give a shit, nor could I have stopped even if I wanted to.

“Jasmine Rodriguez.”  

The confusion with Jamar helped put my nerves at ease. I semi laughed my way into the nurses makeshift office and waited for my fate to be revealed.

“You’re smiling as if you already know the good news.”

I looked at the nurse and begged her to tell me if she was joking or not.

“No, honey, you’re all clear. Everything came back negative.”

“But I have been so sick. I couldn’t keep anything down and was constantly running to the bathroom. Maybe they missed something, maybe---.”

“Look. Sometimes when people are waiting for the results of their test, their mind will play tricks on them. We don’t know what causes it but my bet would be on nerves. When nervous, you may throw up or have diarrhea, it’s normal. But trust me, we tested and re-tested all the blood, you are clean honey.”

You would think that I would have jumped for joy, but instead, it was a weird feeling. I was happy that everything came back okay, but what about the people that were asked to stay back. I looked at the left side of the room and how some were asked to step to the side and take a seat. The faces were recognizable, yet sullen with reason. Domingo and Juicy Jenny being the two that stood out in my mind. I will never understand what those people felt that day, nor would I ever want to.

“So?”

They asked as I entered the break room. DeeDee, Jamar, Tyree, and Blaze, all waited for me to answer. They didn’t trust that I not being asked to stay back was a sign of good news. I was the boss’s sidepiece, which to them meant I could have done what I wanted.

“Yeah, I’m good. Everything is clear.”

“So why are you looking like that, getting that news should be the best thing in your life right now,” Jamar said as he put his arms around my neck. Those faces were still imprinted in my mind, those men and women whose lives were changed forever. What were they gonna do? How would they go on?

“Look in the room, Jamar, look how full it is on the left. That could have easily been one of us.”

Jamar walked over to the door that lead to the warehouse and as soon as he peeked in, I knew he understood how I felt. His face resembled mine now. It was a shock to see more than 10 people on that left side of the room. When the rest joined him in looking, it hit them too that we were all too close to what that left side of the room represented. Out of the sixty- six porn stars that worked for Fantasy Pictures, thirteen of them had to now live the rest of their lives with HIV.

*****

“I’m guessing that everything was okay with your charts.”

I was so over Breeze, and the last thing I needed that day was to see his face. I didn’t turn around when he asked his question. He knew the procedures and my results. He just needed a gateway to start a conversation and used the easiest and dumbest way he knew how.

“Hey, I’m fucking talking to you,” he said as he grabbed my arm.

“Get the fuck off of me!”

I yanked my arm away from his hand and continued to walk. I didn’t stop until I got to my car. I jumped in, cranked up my Drake CD and sped off. The hunger that I suppressed was awakened and I needed to fill my belly.

All I wanted to do was go home, smoke a joint, and hit the bed. My mind was at ease and my belly was full. This was the best I had felt in weeks and I wanted to soak in the carefree feeling. I got out of my car and skipped up the stairs of my building. I sang as I put the key in my door and smiled the whole time. I had joy and my heart and nothing was going to take it away. Well, I felt that way until I saw Breeze standing in my living room with a very expensive bouquet of flowers.

“Why are you here?”

I didn’t yell nor did I show him how much he being here annoyed me. I was just so tired of the game that he was playing and was emotionally drained by it. I sat across from him and just waited.

“I came over here to talk Jazzy. I think that things have taken a left turn with us.”

“Really, and let me guess, you don’t know why?”

“No, I can’t say that I do. I try my best to give you that number one spot. I try to guide you and put—.”

“Are you kidding me Breeze? What number one spot? As long as you’re with Tanya I’ll always be number two.

“So that’s what this is about, Tanya?”