Pretense (13 page)

Marrell sighed. It was like listening to her own thoughts.

"Does Dad know?" Mackenzie asked.

"No. I just found out myself."

"Are you going to tell him?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't I?"

Mackenzie shrugged. "I can't think he would be all too happy to find out you're going to be like Shay."

Marrell couldn't reply. Mackenzie had unerringly put her finger on the crux of the matter. She had never been able to tell Paul how empty she was inside. She had never been able to be completely up-front with him out of fear of what he would say.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree,
Marrell thought.
My grandmother was afraid of my reaction, and I'm afraid of Paul's.
With a deep sigh, she laid her head back on the seat. The plane would be in San Francisco in just 20 minutes. Marrell felt as limp

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as a rag, but tired as she was, she felt challenged. Her grandmother had told her to seek answers and hoped she was brave enough to do so. Marrell kept her eyes closed until they touched down, all the time asking herself if she really was that brave.

It felt so good to be home. Marrell would never have guessed that she could miss the apartment after having such a wonderful house on the base, but in truth, she was thrilled to be back among her own possessions and in her own bed. Shay had picked them up, and it had been wonderful to see her as well.

Marrell lay on her back, a book open on her stomach, but she didn't feel like reading. She had attended church three Sundays with her grandmother, and she had finally begun to listen on the last visit. Stories about Jesus, His birth, and even His crucifixion were not new to her, but the way He had interacted with the townspeople-these were insights that weren't so familiar.

The sermon that last day had been on children and the way Jesus had wanted them to come closer, even when the disciples would have held them off. She didn't remember what point the pastor had made, but in some ways she felt like a child-one who was trying to get close and couldn't.

Maybe it's not that simple. I've run for a long time, and maybe it's too late. I'm ready to talk to Paul about this, but he's not here.
The thought had no more formed when she realized what she could do. She left the bed and moved to the kitchen to find stationery and a pen. Pages later, through tears and fear, she folded the papers, put them in an envelope, and addressed the front. It would have been good to talk to someone in person, but she wasn't ready to do that with anyone here, not even Shay.

She had to go grocery shopping in the morning. On the way back to bed she put the envelope with her purse and made a promise to herself that she would mail her letter before she did anything else.

Heidelberg, Germany

Paul slammed the filing cabinet a little too hard and went back to his desk. The report he had retrieved was open on the wood surface in front of him before he realized he was being

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watched. He looked up to find his commanding officer, Brigadier General Allen Post, at the door, his face unreadable.

"I'd like to see you in my office, Colonel Bishop." With that he walked away, and Paul naturally followed.

"Shut the door," Allen ordered as he sat behind his own desk. "Have a seat."

Paul did all as he was instructed and worked at not showing his apprehension.

"You've been slamming drawers and barking at people for two days now. What's going on? Bad news from home?"

Paul had to stop just short of saying, "
You
wouldn't think so." Instead he kept his voice respectful and said, "Not exactly."

"This is off the record, Paul." Allen's voice had softened. "I want to know if you're all right."

Paul took a deep breath. "I have heard from home and there's no emergency, but I'm a little confused about some things."

"Concerning your wife?"

Paul nodded.

"Can you call and talk to her?"

"I don't want to do that until I've calmed down."

"What exactly has you so upset?"

"With all due respect, sir, knowing how you believe, I don't think you want to hear what has upset me."

Allen actually smiled. "If it's what I think it is, you're very wrong."

Paul was completely flummoxed by such a reply, but he still answered. "Her grandmother has become a Christian." Paul said the word with difficulty. "And now my wife is asking a lot of questions herself, and I'm the last to find out that she has been asking questions for a long time." Anger had come into Paul's voice, and he momentarily forgot to whom he was speaking. "Is that what you
thought
it would be, General Post?"

To his surprise, Allen ignored the sarcasm. "Yes, it is, Paul. Shall I tell you why?"

Paul only stared at him.

Allen leaned a little way over the desk. "I've never met anyone so fascinated and yet still fighting it at the same time. I don't know what your experience was in San Francisco, but something has you scared. It would seem that it's the thought that your wife might need more than you can give her. I remember when I felt

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the same way. My wife came to Christ before I did, and it was almost the end of our marriage."

"What did you do?" Paul, feeling desperate, asked without thought.

"The first thing I did was decide I didn't want a divorce. So I stopped being angry and listened to what she had to say, and do you know what? She was right. When she explained, I realized I couldn't give her all the things God did-the peace that I would be there for her forever. I'm just a man, and an Army officer at that. I couldn't promise to be there for her the next day. Neither could I give her the peace of knowing that she wasn't going to hell for eternity.

"I finally stopped fighting and listened to her, and in time I wanted that same peace. You have to do what I did, Bishop. Ask yourself if you love your wife. If the answer is yes, you can't hold her back. You can't make her feel guilty for wanting things you can't provide, no matter how much your pride says otherwise."

Paul couldn't have spoken if he had tried. He was so sick with worry that he wanted to board a plane for California that instant, but Allen was right. What would he say to Marrell? "I'm here now, you don't need God?" According to her letter, that wouldn't work.

And is Shay really so bad?
Paul suddenly asked himself. Paul realized she didn't act weird or preach at them. Indeed, she was the best friend Marrell had ever had, bending over backward time and again to help out and show she cared.

"I have a Bible study with two men on Monday night, Paul. I can't help but think you should be there. All we do is discuss what the Bible says about questions the men have. You're welcome to come and bring your own questions. There isn't a one that God's Word can't handle."

Paul felt almost desperate inside to do just that, but he only quietly thanked the other man and waited to be dismissed. General Allen Post did dismiss him just moments later, but not before telling him they met at seven o'clock.

San Francisco

It was late on Saturday afternoon when Shay came to see Marrell. Marrell had spent part of the day at the Laundromat. One of the things she missed most about the house at the base was

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room for her washer and dryer. She was still ironing and putting things away when Shay arrived.

"How are you?" Shay asked as she always did, not letting on that Marrell had constantly been in her thoughts.

Shay had begun to see someone from the church. His name was Oliver Lacy. They had gone out with some other people the night before. Shay had had a good time, but even Oliver had seen her distraction. Near the end of the evening, she had admitted to him that her friend had been on her mind. Then that morning she had to put some time in at the office. Work was demanding more of her lately, to the point that Shay was thinking about selling and going to work for someone else. Being the owner was getting more time-consuming with every year. She'd come to Marrell as soon as she was able.

"I'm all right," Marrell said softly. "I miss Paul. Some days are worse than others, and since we returned from my grandma's, it's worse than ever."

Marrell turned her back on Shay to stack her laundry baskets and hide her lying face. She hadn't planned to lie, but it was out almost before she could stop it. And she had no idea why.

"I've been thinking about you a lot," Shay told her, not having caught the deception. "I've wanted to come by for two days and couldn't get away until now. I came right from the office."

Marrell turned, sat on the sofa, and stared at her. "Why did you want to come?"

"I don't know. I just can't stop thinking about you."

"Did you think it would be hard for me when I got home?"

"I wasn't sure, but it makes sense." Shay studied her friend. She thought Marrell appeared strained and upset. "Is there something else, Marrell?"

The story came out then. Not all at once and not even in order, but bits and pieces emerged until Shay thought she had a fairly good idea of what her friend was going through.

"I feel so terrible, Shay." Marrell went on. "Like I plotted against my husband. I refused to talk about it before he left, and now that I've written to him, he hasn't replied. I did the same thing with my grandmother. She tried to talk to me, and I just put her off." Tears came to her eyes. "I don't know when my heart has been such a mess. I want to get close to God, but I don't want to sacrifice my marriage. I just don't see how Paul

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could live with that. He would never understand. And now he's so far away. I can't even talk to him."

Marrell talked as if Shay should know exactly what she spoke of, but in truth, it was becoming more unclear all the time.

"I want to be sure I understand, Marrell," Shay broke in. "Why do you feel as though you've betrayed Paul?"

"Because until the letter, I never told him that I've been feeling empty for a long time. And then hearing my grandmother say how she couldn't tell me because she feared the way I would react. . . well, I realized I was just like her. I haven't been able to tell Paul. So then I do it in a letter, and it just feels so cheap. I'm such a coward. I don't want him upset with me, so I wait until he's an ocean away to tell him he can't give me what I need."

Marrell's own words were too much for her. She broke down and cried. Shay joined her on the sofa, and the girls chose that moment to come in. They sat across from the women on the chairs in the living room and just listened and watched with wide eyes.

Shay rubbed Marrell's back and hugged her from the side. She asked one of the girls to run for some tissue and then waited while Marrell got herself together. When her friend's red-rimmed eyes turned to her, Shay smiled gently.

"I have to say some things to you, Marrell, things that might hurt. Do you understand?"

"I think so. I can't think what would hurt more than this."

"Do you want the girls to stay?"

Marrell looked across at them. "They can stay."

"Paul loves you," Shay began when Marrell looked back. "I know he does, but he prides himself on being able to take care of you. I think that's some of the reason you've been afraid to tell him you're feeling empty inside. It would be a blow to his ego."

Marrell nodded her head, telling Shay they were on the same page.

"I can't sit here and tell you that there is no cost to following Christ, Marrell. And that
is
what we're talking about, isn't it?"

"Yes. My grandmother told me she was praying that I would be brave enough to search for answers, and that's what I'm trying to do. I've got to find out why nothing ever satisfies me. I've got to find out why I feel so empty inside."

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Shay squeezed Marrell's hand. "I can tell you everything I know, Marrell, but I can't make any promises about the way Paul will feel. I would never tell you to forget him and live your own life, but God has asked hard things of His children."

Marrell suddenly knew why Shay asked if she wanted the girls to stay. Marrell was careful not to look at them. Would God really ask her to give up Paul for Him? Could she do it? Would Paul really leave her if she wanted Christ in her life?

Oh, please, no,
her heart cried, but at the same time she knew she must search on. How many more years was she going to wonder if there was more? So many things Shay believed sounded odd and unreasonable to her, but did she really know all the facts? There were so many things she wanted to ask her friend, but she looked up and saw her daughters still watching her. To send them out would only scare them and bring questions she might not be able to answer. Another avenue was needed.

"The girls and I would like to go to church with you in the morning, Shay."

"All right."

Marrell watched her daughters' mouths open in protest, but she put a hand up. "I need this right now, and you will not give me any trouble." Marrell used a tone they would never have argued with.