Protect and Serve (4 page)

Carla tried her best to keep her eyes focused on the ground, because if she looked at him, she would probably lose it. She didn’t want to give him the benefit of her tears. And she wasn’t sure looking in his smug, arrogant face wouldn’t make her cuss him out.

Cussing him would no doubt have her explaining a bunch of bruises to Penny. And if she was going to get Penny to take her to Los Angeles, she needed to play it clean.

No stress. No drama. No idiots from her past set on ruining her, especially not
this
idiot.

He took her chin in his hand and lifted her face. Leaning in, he covered her mouth with his, and she let him kiss her.

“You still belong to me. And I’m only going to give you a little bit more time to come to that conclusion. So you go ahead and bury yo’ mama and send yo’ little daughter back wherever the hell she was, and be sure to stay away from that punk Gerald, and I’ll get at you soon.” He walked off down the alley and Carla shuddered.

She had to find a way to get Penny to take her to L.A.—as soon as possible.

F
ood, food and more food. Smells of cinnamon and caramelized brown sugar wafted from the glazed ham and the candied yams. Another whiff of the air, and the homey aroma of melted cheese mixed with butter, milk and pasta baked to perfection assaulted the senses.

Too bad Penny hadn’t had a real appetite since she’d gotten the news.

From Tuesday evening, when she got the phone call from Carla telling her Big Mama had passed away, until the Saturday afternoon after the funeral, Penny had pretty much been running on fumes. Sometimes she remembered to eat a bite, but most times not.

Every member of Mount Zion must have brought a dish over to Big Mama’s house after the funeral and interment. And they were all there, milling around, making small talk and sharing memories.

Penny wanted them all to leave, so she could go out into the backyard, sit on the bench under the big oak tree and pretend none of it was happening. She forced smiles and made chitchat, because Big Mama had raised her to be polite. Because of Big Mama, she tried to hold it together.

She could be strong this time. She could prevail over loss this time, especially when she had nothing else to lose. Penny wrapped her arms around herself and closed her eyes for a moment in an effort to push her thoughts back. She couldn’t allow herself to dredge up past losses, not if she wanted to make it through the rest of the day.

She let good times fill her mind.

Being back in Big Mama’s little yellow and white house on Warren Street brought back all kinds of memories. Memories of roller-skating around the corner and having to come in before the streetlights came on. Memories of playing kickball and tag in the PS School #10 playground. Memories of buying a twenty-five-cent grape juice, a bag of barbecue potato chips, a fat pickle and a couple of packs of Now and Laters from the Puerto Rican–owned bodega on the corner and thinking she had the makings of a queen’s meal at her disposal.

Most of all, she had memories of feeling safe and secure.

Standing there in the house she had grown up in, knowing the woman who had loved her and raised her was dead, felt as if someone had pulled the floor out from under her and she was balanced on one beam with a huge black hole waiting to engulf her. It felt as if she stood on the perilous edge of a steep cliff in a pair of stilettos after having one too many mojitos. But at least she was still standing, still balancing. She hadn’t caved yet. Big Mama would have been proud of the way she was holding it together.

How did people make it after losing the person who had always been their rock, their advice giver, the person who helped them make a way to the light when darkness threatened? Big Mama had been all those things to Penny, and more. There had never been a time when Big Mama didn’t have advice for Penny’s life,
wanted or not.

She remembered when she was twelve and Big Mama sat her under the tree to explain the changes happening to her preteen body and just a little bit about the birds and the bees. Big Mama had been somewhat vague when it came to some parts of the talk. But she had always been the voice of strength and reason, even when Penny messed up and got pregnant at seventeen.

Big Mama was really gone.

In a week or so, Penny would be gone, too. She hated the fact that she’d probably never again see the small three-bedroom, one-bathroom house her grandmother had worked so hard to keep after the grandfather Penny had never had the pleasure of knowing died.

As soon as she settled Big Mama’s affairs, she’d say goodbye to Paterson, New Jersey, for good.

But could she really say goodbye to North Jersey
forever?

She couldn’t believe she’d been away for so long. She missed home more than she’d let herself believe. There was really nothing like North Jersey. From the tenements to the fact that you could literally go one block and be in another town—a town that often felt like a different world, North Jersey offered a packed and condensed mix of flavors and cultures different from the equally diverse but much more spread-out and free-flowing Los Angeles she now called home.

Penny was surprised by how she’d gotten back into the flow of Paterson in under a week. The brothers playing c-lo on the corner, the sisters on the stoops gossiping and people watching, the kids running their little behinds in the street, dangerously close to being run over by a car, the storefront churches on just about every block, right next to the liquor stores, the feeling, the flavor, all called out to a part of her she’d thought was gone.

You can take the girl out of Jersey, but you can’t take Jersey out of the girl.

Penny shook her head.

“Brat, you gonna be leaving for California soon, huh?”

Penny jumped and her reverie ended at the sound of Carla’s voice. She made a mental note not to let her mother get to her. But some things were a whole lot easier in theory.

She didn’t need therapy to know that her unresolved issues and textbook abandonment fears all stemmed from the petite, honey-complexioned woman standing in front of her, drinking grape soda as if it were the finest wine.

Penny noted that Carla had taken to calling her by the childhood “endearment” she’d used whenever Big Mama wasn’t around. She couldn’t remember exactly when it went from shut-up-brat, get-out-of-here-brat, you-make-me-sick-you-little-brat, to just Brat, said in a weird, almost loving way. She only knew it was the name her mother called her by.

Gritting her teeth and counting to ten, Penny responded, “Yes, Carla. I have to go back. I have a business to get back to. The most I can stay is a week or two.”

Penny ran an image-consulting firm with her friend Maritza Morales. They were both former video models/dancers, and they’d met on a rap video shoot about twelve years ago. They’d found they were both working their way through school and had developed a friendship. Since Penny had only ever had guy friends, developing a close friendship with a woman had been a challenge. Maritza had had a similar history, since she’d grown up as the only girl in a family of brothers. But they’d worked at their friendship, and it had grown.

Their business, New Images by Keys and Morales, was doing well. Maritza could more than pick up the slack for a little while, in order for Penny to handle her grandmother’s affairs. But it took the two of them and their six faithful employees to really make it a work. Even though Penny pretty much made her own hours, she still needed to do her part to make sure the business remained a success.

Panic crossed Carla’s face. “But I…Well, I…Well, what am I gonna do? I need somebody to…”

Even though years of hard living had taken a bit of a toll on Carla, she still had the good looks, fair skin, long, wavy black hair and petite but somewhat curvy body that most men found irresistible. She also had a vulnerable, childlike appeal that she seemed to be able to pull out when she needed it. If Penny hadn’t seen all the faces Carla worked like a pro—all her multiple personalities, as Penny liked to refer to them—she might have fallen victim to the sad, helpless puppy-dog expression Carla wore at the moment.

Penny knew better, however, and she refused to fall for it.

“Carla, you’re a grown woman. You’re going have to learn how to take care of yourself, eventually.” Penny started walking out of the food-filled dining room, thinking she’d miss Big Mama’s cherry stained furniture and her china cabinet full of knickknacks and family photos.

She knew she wouldn’t be taking any of it with her. Her memories would have to be enough.

Carla would need a place to stay, and since the house was paid for, she could stay here.

Penny only hoped her mother didn’t resort to doing drugs again and end up losing the house and everything in it. But that wasn’t her problem. She couldn’t be responsible for her grown mother.

She wouldn’t be responsible. She refused.

Carla stomped her foot and followed, walking so close she was almost on Penny’s behind.

“I do know how to take care of myself, Brat. I just…Well…with Mama gone now, I just don’t know if…” Carla gave a helpless shrug of her shoulders. “She was the only one who never gave up on me, and she was helping me to stay clean.”

Yet again
.

How many times had Big Mama helped Carla get clean and straighten up? And what had given Carla the sense of entitlement that said the whole world had to cater to her needs? Penny couldn’t even fathom how a down-to-earth saint of a woman like Big Mama could have given birth to a self-absorbed person like Carla. She hated that she had to steel herself against Carla’s pleas, because it made her feel hard and cold. A small part of her wanted to help her mother.

However, given her past with Carla, she needed to protect herself. She couldn’t let Carla hurt her again. She wouldn’t be able to deal with it, on top of Big Mama’s death. She would topple over into the waiting black abyss for sure if she opened herself up to fall victim to her mother’s antics again.

“I can’t take Big Mama’s place, Carla. You’re going to have to do it on your own this time.” Feeling as if she was being too harsh didn’t stop Penny from holding her ground.

All those years growing up with a crack addict for a mother had made her toughen up. She had spent too much of her life trying to help Carla and waiting for the woman to get it together. All Penny had ever gotten for her trouble was a broken heart and being called Brat.

Stopping midway in the hall between the dining room and the formal living room, Penny let out a soft hiss and a curse when Carla stepped on the back of her foot.

“You wrong for that, Brat. You just won’t forgive. That’s always been your problem.” Carla rolled her eyes in disgust. “You can’t go through your life like that. That’s why you don’t have
nobody
special in your life now! Your heart’s hard and cold.”

Penny pursed her lips and slanted her right eye slightly.

Carla made it
so
easy not to want to help her.

This would normally be the time when Big Mama would cut in and tell them they needed to treat each other better and remind them of the importance of family. But Big Mama wasn’t here anymore. It was just the two of them.

Plastering a smile on her face, Penny started to back away. “Well, Carla…
darling
mother of mine…I suggest you start learning to toughen up. It’s a cold world out there, and you need to learn how to face it.”

Walking away from Carla proved to be easier than Penny thought it would be. She contemplated leaving for Los Angeles right after the last guest left the house. The fact that Carla could even fix her mouth to talk about help and forgiveness irritated Penny to no end.

“Forgive her, my behind. I can forgive. I already forgave her a million times.” Mumbling to herself as she made her way to the kitchen, Penny didn’t notice Jason until she walked right into him.

First Carla, now Jason!
Lifting her head to the ceiling, she couldn’t help but think:
What is it? You just don’t like me this week, do you? Is it because I haven’t been to church? If I go to service tomorrow, will you cut me some slack? Huh?

Jason’s strong arms embraced and held her. She felt a slight shiver travel its way across and through her body.

Yes, her traitorous body
would
still react to his touch, wouldn’t it? Because what else would be more fitting at a time like this than being smacked in the face with the fact that she’d ruined her relationship with the only man who’d ever completed her, mind, body and soul. Yeah. She needed reminding of how much she had loved Jason just as she dealt with the loss of her grandmother and with her crazy, recovering-addict mother. What else would make sure her balancing act crumbled? She took a deep breath and firmed her resolve.

“Sorry,” she muttered, trying not to look into his dark, brooding and still very sexy brown eyes. “I wasn’t looking where I was going.

“You can let me go now.” She tried to pull herself from his hold, but he maintained a grip on her.

“Can I?” Jason gave her a squinting, inquisitive gaze before dropping his arms to his side. “We need to talk, Penny.”

Urghhhhhh! Not today. I’m hanging on by a string here. Honest
. Pleading with the universe for some leniency probably wouldn’t work, given her background, but maybe, just maybe, with Big Mama up in the heavens now, she could catch a break. Unless Big Mama was the one pulling the strings…
Nah…

“Jason, it was really wonderful of you to come to both the wake and the funeral and pay your condolences. I appreciate it more than you know.”
Or would even believe, given our history.
“But we really don’t have anything left to talk about. We said everything we needed to say fifteen years ago. And I, for one, don’t feel much like revisiting the past.”

“Well, maybe I need to. I lost the two people that meant the world to me—the two people who I thought would never betray me. I think we have a lot to talk about.” With his jaw set in an angry and stilted manner, Jason appeared immovable.

“Not here. Not today. Please, Jason.” One day she might be able to revisit that moment in her life and try to right the wrongs, but Penny didn’t see it happening on the day she had buried her grandmother.

“So when, Penny? When?”

“Goodness, you’re being a real jerk right now! My grandmother just died!”

A shimmer of regret crossed Jason’s face for a moment and then, just as quickly, turned stony. “And fifteen years ago, a baby I believed was mine died, a baby we were going to raise together. And when that baby died, instead of mourning the loss with the love of my life, I got gut punched by being told that she was in love with the man I thought was my best friend! So forgive me if I still feel like I need to resolve some things and I’m not willing to give you the space to run until you manage to escape town again.”

The hot anger in his eyes burned her to her core. Her stomach started to jump until she could feel it in her throat. She knew without a doubt that she couldn’t deal with Jason now. She would never be able to maintain her facade when faced with his glare, which mixed hurt, anger, and betrayal.