Protect and Serve (5 page)

At least fifteen years ago she’d had Terrill there to stand by her.

Terrill had been there through it all. She had hated having to use her best friend in such a manner. If she had it to do all over again, Terrill and Jason’s friendship would be the only thing she would change. She would make it so at least those two could remain friends. Taking a deep breath, she straightened her back and narrowed her eyes, summoning up indignation from somewhere, even though she felt like the person with the least right to any sort of self-righteous stance.

The fact still remained; she had just placed Big Mama in the ground. Jason just showed her once again that, when push came to shove, he really only cared about his own feelings, his own hurt.

She hurt, too. More than she could ever let him know.

“You need to leave, Jason. If you don’t leave, I’ll call your colleagues in blue and have them come and get you. I don’t think you want that. So, just continue to think of me as a whore, a slut, a heartless tramp…whatever you need to do to hold on to your bitterness and make you just stay away from me.”

…
A backstabber and a slut…If I would have known you’d become such a slut, I would never have bothered with you in the first place
…She could still hear Jason’s cracking voice, filled with tears and raw emotion, as he’d spat his venom at her and Terrill fifteen years ago. Three hearts had been irreparably damaged that evening, and it had all been her fault.

She walked away from him with her head held high. But, it was hard to maintain a dignified pose when she felt lower than a heel.

“You just won’t stop, will you? If you can’t cut Penny some slack on the day she buried Big Mama, then you need to leave.”

Terrill’s irritatingly calm and reasonable voice sent an angry chill through Jason’s nerves. And watching Penny strut away from him didn’t help the steady boiling in his guts.

Why had he even bothered to show up at the house after the interment? What was this sick, masochistic need he had to be in her presence, even when she had shown him exactly who she was?

He had work he could be doing, cases he could be investigating. He’d taken a few days off when he found out Penny was going to be in town. Now he didn’t know why he’d done it. What did he really hope to gain?

He had no idea. It wasn’t as if she wanted him around. He could be at the lab now working through the evidence on the newest addition to his cold-case files. He could be interviewing old witnesses to see if time had caused alliances to shift enough for friends or relatives to give up their knowledge about a crime.

A new case had just come up. A man accused of the murder of two community activists and all-around Good Samaritans over thirty years ago had gotten off based on DNA evidence. The real murderer was still out there. As part of the cold-case team, Jason should be out there finding the person who had killed the popular married couple, instead of running behind Penny and begging her to talk to him.

But something didn’t seem right. And this time he was determined to find out what it was.

“You need to mind your business, Terrill.”

“Penny is my friend. And you used to…” Terrill paused before hissing in disgust. “Jason, this just isn’t the time or the place. You should leave if you can’t see that.”

Jason could literally feel his shoulders rising and his chest bulking up with each word falling out of Terrill’s mouth. Spoiling for a fight, he taunted, “You gonna make me?”

Terrill shook his head and turned up his lips. “We’re grown men. I’m not going to resort to fisticuffs here.”

Pansy. Pretty boy. How did I ever hang out with this guy?

“Why? You scared I’ll kick your ass?” Jason leaned forward a little; the urge to give Terrill a physical shove was almost too compelling to hold back.

“No. I don’t want to give any more stress to Penny than she has at this time.”

“Well, aren’t you the perfect little boyfriend?”

“Just lay off, Jason,” Terrill hissed.

“Mind your business, Terrill.”

Carla came sneaking up on them. “You boys aren’t going to start fighting in here, are you?”

Terrill turned toward Penny’s mom and answered, “No. We aren’t.”

Jason felt Terrill might just be wrong about that. Because he needed very badly to lash out at someone, and from where he stood, Terrill, with his I’m-Mr.-Perfect aura, was the ideal candidate.

Turning to face Carla, Jason took a deep breath. Even though she had a thirty-three-year-old daughter, Carla was only forty-seven years old herself. In fact, the entire time he’d known Penny, they’d always thought of Carla as more of an older sister. She’d certainly never acted like a parent, especially not when she was hooked on drugs.

Looking at her now, Jason could see that all those years of addiction had caught up with her a little bit. While she was still a striking woman, she no longer possessed the wholesome beauty she’d had when she was younger. Her once soft looks had a hard and rough edge to them now. Her honey complexion had a dull yellow appearance in spots. Her naturally wavy hair was a tad brittle and had lost its shine. She had a lot of gray hairs mixed in with the black. Her eyes still held the same youthful, wholesome appeal, however. They danced and shimmered with mischief.

Carla opened her mouth in a wide grin, and it became apparent that one of her front teeth was badly chipped. That might have made less brazen women too shy to smile, but not Carla.

“I always wondered what Brat had that made the two of you follow her around like little puppies. Whatever it was, I guess she’s still got it. Ha!”

Knowing how much hearing the woman who gave birth to her call her Brat had hurt Penny, Jason felt a strange need to stand up for her that he quickly squelched. He wasn’t about to champion her cause. She had Terrill for that. But he reckoned he wouldn’t add any more stress to her day. She probably had enough stress, dealing with Carla.

“We were just best friends, Carla. If anything, Penny was stuck to us like glue. We just realized she wasn’t going to go anywhere until we let her join the crew.” Terrill had an almost wistful sound to his voice.

Jason raised his eyebrow and looked at his
ex
-best friend. No one would have been able to tell him way back then, when they were all eleven-year-olds riding their bikes and skates without a care in the world, that things would come to this. But then, no one would have been able to tell him he would fall madly in love with the scrawny, snaggle-toothed girl either.

He still remembered the first time they had all played together in the small attic apartment on Warren Street where Terrill and his mother lived. Big Mama had had to rush off for some emergency with Carla. She’d had no choice but to leave Penny with Terrill’s mom. Jason had come over to play with Terrill, and had been thoroughly disgusted that a girl was there during their playtime. The horror!

But Penny wouldn’t let them brush her off. He still remembered the way she had snatched his Rubik’s Cube and snapped, “Let me show you how to do it.” She had finished the complicated box that had had he and Terrill stumped for months in no time flat. He wasn’t even going to go into all the times she had beaten them in some race or another. She had gone from an icky girl to the coolest girl he had ever met to his second best friend by the end of the day.

“Whatever. A girl could do worse than having two strong, strapping young men such as y’all to look out for her.” Carla let out a hooting laugh, and her eyes took in Jason. “I guess you don’t really look out for her anymore, since she stomped on your heart. But you’re here anyway, huh? You can’t stay away, now that she’s back. Ha!” Carla laughed so hard she started to cough as she opened the fridge and pulled out a can of grape soda.

Ouch.
“I’m just here to pay my respects, Carla.”

“Yeah, right. And I can take a hit of crack today and not have to worry about getting hooked. Somebody is swimming in the river of
de-ni-al.
” Carla sang the word
denial
like a song.

“We’re all just here to pay our respects. Big Mama always opened her doors to us and made us feel like family,” Terrill offered lightly. “We wouldn’t want to do anything that would take away from this time of mourning for your family, for Penny.” Terrill gave Jason a pointed stare.

Fine.

He would cut Penny and Terrill some slack today. But Penny wasn’t leaving town this time until she gave him the closure he needed. She owed him. He had waited fifteen years, but the wait was going to be over.

“I’ve got to go. Please accept my condolences, Carla. And please, tell Penny I will be back by later to talk with her.” Jason thought about saying goodbye to Terrill, but he wasn’t feeling
that
amicable. It would take a lot more than conversation for him to reach a point where he could reach out to his old friend again.

With everyone gone, Big Mama’s house felt cold and empty. Penny was just happy Terrill was still there and he wouldn’t be going back to Los Angeles tonight. Sitting with him in the only room she and her friends had been allowed to hang out in, the only room without some kind of plastic protection covering the furniture, Penny let out a sigh.

As they sat on the worn black pleather sofa that had been the bane of her existence in high school, Penny ran her hand lovingly over rips and large, exposed patches of cotton filling.

Everything about the room said 1980s bad design—from the sofa to the black lacquer, gold and mirrored coffee and end tables.

Penny couldn’t help but smile when she remembered how she’d pouted when Big Mama refused to buy cool
real
leather sofas for Penny and her friends to hang out on.

Big Mama had said, “Child, I’m not gonna spend that kind of money just for you and your little friends to eat potato chips and drink soda on it and tear it up. You better get this here! Stuff that you could wipe off when you get a spill!”

Terrill’s voice pulled her away from her memories.

“If you need me to stick around a little longer, Penny, I will. I can rearrange some things and do it.”

Terrill’s willingness to continually be there for her made the ball of guilt in her chest throb. She wondered what she’d done to deserve such a good friend. She knew she’d never be fully worthy of his generosity.

“No, I’ll be fine. I’m not staying around here long. Just long enough to settle Big Mama’s affairs, and then I’m out. For good.” Letting out an uneasy sigh, she turned to look at her oldest friend. “Thanks for being here for me. You’re always there for me, and I appreciate it. I know that you gave up a lot to stand by my side, and—”

Terrill interrupted her. “Don’t worry about it, Penny. But a lot of time has passed. Maybe enough time…”

Carla came waltzing in the room, her mouth wide open and spouting her nonsense. “So you ended up sticking around. I would have put money on the other one being here.” She gave Terrill her irritating grin.

“No offense, but I always thought he was a better match for Brat, anyway. His folks certainly had more money. But I guess you rollin’ in the dough now, too. Big-time record company man and all! Ha! You the one hooked Brat up with them videos?”

An excited gleam crossed Carla’s eyes, and she clasped her hands together. “You think you could hook me up? I’m thinking of moving out to Cali with Brat. I need me a change of scenery. I’m getting tired of P-Town. And Cali-for-nia, knows how to par-ty. Cali-for-nia knows how to par-ty.” Carla did a little dance as she sang the Tupac lyrics.

Oh, no, the hell you aren’t!
“Carla, you can give that one up. You are
not
moving to California.”

“Why not? Why you gotta be like that, Brat? What did I ever do to you to make you hate me so much, except give birth to your behind?”

“You have got to be kidding me, Carla. Just can it, ’cause I’m not the one. You can’t guilt me into taking care of you. You have never taken care of me. I don’t owe you anything.” Penny shook her head incredulously.

“I’ll help you settle Big Mama’s affairs and help you out so you can remain here and keep this place. However, when I leave here, the only thing you’re going to see from me is a monthly check. And if you keep tripping, you’re going to mess that up.”

“What do you think, Terrill? You think it’s right that Brat is gonna to throw her mama out to the wolves? She knows I need help. But she’s just gonna go on about her little life.” Carla had the nerve to let tears come trailing down her face.

“I think if you would stop calling your daughter Brat, she might be able to make her way past all the hurt you’ve piled on her through the years. And I think the two of you need to talk and come to a space of understanding.” Terrill gave Penny a peck on the cheek and placed his arm around her for a quick hug. “I’m going to head out. I’ll stop back by tomorrow to see how you’re doing. Maybe we can go to service at Mount Zion. Call me if you need anything.”

Carla shrugged, and her crocodile tears miraculously cleared up. “Hey, don’t forget about the videos. I think I have star potential,” she called after Terrill as he made his way out of the room.

Worried that her lips were going to remain stuck in the curled-up snarl she seemed to sport lately from being forced to tolerate Carla, Penny tried to form a smile.

It didn’t work.

“You aren’t moving to California. I’d move back to Paterson before I let you move with me.”

“So I guess you’re moving back to Paterson, then. Because I’m moving to California with you when you leave here. The sooner the better.”

Penny let out a sigh and threw up her hands. How did one reason with such an unreasonable person?

T
he constant pressing buzz of the doorbell interrupted Penny’s argument with Carla. Penny made a mental note to thank the person who had the perfect timing to show up just when Carla was trying to figure out a way to make Penny take her to California.

Is it so bad that I don’t really want anything else to do with my old life?
she thought as she snatched open the door.

Seeing Jason standing there answered her mental plea to the universe.
Screw you, Penny.
She couldn’t catch a break.

He’d changed from the suit he’d worn to the funeral into a pair of slacks and a short-sleeved silk dress shirt. Standing there leaning against the doorway, he gave off a definite air of sexiness that made her want to kick herself for even noticing. Even surly and sulking, the man was
fine.

“Why are you back here?” was what she said.
Why can’t
things be different between us?
was what she wouldn’t allow herself to think. It was too late for them. There was no sense dreaming things could be different.

“Can I come in?” His square jaw and taut expression told her he wasn’t about to leave anytime soon.

That didn’t mean she couldn’t try. Penny dug in her heels and leaned against the door frame.

Big mistake.

That only brought her closer to him, and closer to his cologne. Musk with a hint of seduction never smelled so good. She moved back a little. But it was too late. The whiff had done its damage.

Dang.

She’d done her best to get over him through the years. She’d had relationships with other guys, but she’d always kept herself protected. She had a wall so thick and so tall around her, no one had been able to penetrate it. She liked it that way. It was so much safer.

The fact that seeing Jason again had the strength to drill holes in her wall and shake her foundation was unsettling, to say the least. She needed to do something to keep him away. She couldn’t go through what she’d gone through back then and survive whole. Putting herself back together after she had destroyed their relationship was the hardest thing she had ever had to do. She had to continue to protect what was left of her heart.

“Why? Can’t you just leave me alone? I’m truly fine with you hating me for the rest of our lives and us never seeing each other again.” Her voice cracked as she said those words, and she barely stifled a wince.

She realized at that moment that she didn’t want Jason to hate her. Too bad what she wanted didn’t matter. Not anymore…

“Well, I’m not fine with it. You’re going to talk to me, Penny. You owe me this.” Jason pretty much elbowed his way past the crack in the door and entered the house.

“Hey! The other one is back! You just missed the third wheel. Or are you the third wheel now? I’m having a hard time keeping track of y’all’s little threesome.” Carla snickered and ran her tongue across her chipped front tooth before smirking.

Honor thy mother.

Penny cut Carla a glance meant to shut her up. But even as she did, she knew it was useless. From the time she was a kid, Carla had been finding ways to torture her and make her life miserable.

No way am I taking that woman back to Los Angeles with me
.

The scowl on Jason’s face hinted that he didn’t find Carla’s antics funny, either.

Carla stuck out her tongue at Penny before turning to Jason. “I don’t know what you looking at me like that for, Mr. Policeman. I ain’t the one that’s been stringing y’all around for years. I told Brat she should have stayed with you instead of hooking up with that other one. But hey, he’s a big-time music man now, and he’s gonna set me up
love-ly.
Ain’t that right, Brat?”

Carla danced around and started singing the chorus to Lil’ Kim’s “Crush on You.”

One. Two. Three. Four. Fi—Aw, hell!

“Carla, leave us alone! Go do something with yourself.”

“Why you gotta be all—”

“Go!”

“Fine!” Carla turned to Jason. “You see what I have to—”

Penny put her hands on her hips and snarled, “Carla!”

“Fine, Brat!” Carla went stomping off up the stairs. A white slip hung clearly visible under the black dress Carla wore, and her pink house shoes scraped across the wood steps.

Penny watched her walk all the way up and sucked her teeth when one of the family photos fell from the wall as Carla stormed past. Penny would have to pick it up later,
after
she got rid of Jason.

She let out a sigh. “We can talk in the living room.” She turned and he followed her.

Too late to ask himself why he’d bothered coming back to Big Mama’s that evening. He was here now. Time to get his much-needed closure, once and for all.

Sitting in the room where he’d sipped on iced tea and talked with Big Mama each time he’d visited her, hoping she’d mention something about Penny, Jason started to wonder if he wasn’t just a little bit touched in the head. If the stony hostility bouncing off of Penny like shock waves was any indication, she probably wouldn’t be offering up what he needed.

If her taking him into the fancy formal living room with the floral, plastic-covered furniture offered any hint, then she had no desire to make him feel as comfortable as he felt when they were teenagers, hanging out in the den with the pleather sofas she hated.

She had her guard up. But what she didn’t know was that, as a detective, he’d become a pro at breaking down people’s barriers and getting them to tell the truth. It was time for her walls to come tumbling down.

“So, what do I have to do to get you to leave me alone, Jason?” Penny sat down on the sofa, and the plastic squeaked.

He sat next to her and got a strong whiff of her perfume. She still wore Beautiful. He remembered the Christmas during their junior year of high school when he’d given her the perfume for the first time, and his gut clenched. Gritting his teeth, he firmed his resolve.

“You could start by telling me the truth, telling me what really happened fifteen years ago. One minute we were having a baby and planning to get married. The next minute you had a miscarriage and I’m being told you’re in love with Terrill. You even went so far as to say the baby wasn’t mine.”

He felt his voice crack as a sharp pain laced his chest. The raw pain threatening to bubble up in his chest had to be squelched.

Penny’s copper eyes looked away and her stony gaze soon found a lot of interest in the shaking hands folded on her lap. “That’s pretty much what happened back then. So, again I ask you. What do you want from me?”

“I want you to look me in the eye and tell me what we had was a lie. I want you to look at me and tell me you had sex with my best friend. I want you to tell me the child wasn’t mine, that it wasn’t our baby. I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you never loved me.”

Her hand moved to the tiny scar at the side of her right eye.

Jason knew that she always worried the scar whenever she felt under pressure or up against a wall. His eyes narrowed.

She was definitely hiding something.

Her lower lip trembled slightly, and she let out a soft sigh. “Are you a glutton for punishment or something? Why this sudden need to revisit and relive the past? We’ve been there and done that. I’ve told you all of this before. I don’t see the point in the constant repeating. So why don’t you just—”

He couldn’t let her finish, had to cut her off. “Why can’t you do it, Penny? Look at me while you cut my heart out. You owe me that. You didn’t look at me then. You kept your face buried in Terrill’s chest. I was too angry to think there was a reason why you couldn’t look at me.”

“There was no reason!”

“Then look at me, damn it!”

She lifted her head, and her ice-glazed eyes were pooling with tears. “You have no right to come in here and try and boss me around. I don’t have to answer to you, Jason. Get out of my house. I don’t want to see you…Just leave, please.”

Her bottom lip quivered again, and this time it was more pronounced. She appeared to be just on the edge of breaking.

He didn’t know if he wanted to see her broken. He could clearly see that she was hanging on by a thread.

Leaning forward, he cupped her face in his hand, gently stroking her cheek with his thumb. He had no idea what he was doing or why he felt the need to touch her, to comfort her. But he had to, even though he was the one bringing her the stress.

Her lip shook even more, and the tears that had once been content to remain pooled in her eyes started their way down her cheeks.

His heart started beating faster, causing a powerful thud in his chest. It was official; he was the biggest jerk in the city…probably the state…most likely the entire country….

Letting his hand move to caress her cheek and wipe away the tears, he let out the breath he’d had no idea he was holding. “Put us both out of our misery, Pen, please.”

He sighed and placed his lips firmly over hers, kissing her with years of pent-up energy and frustration.

The startled gasp out of her mouth barely registered, and he used it as an opportunity to forge ahead with his tongue. He moved his hands and arms from her face to her back, pulling her over to him and scooping her into his lap. She felt so good against him. Every luscious part of her seemed to be made just for his hands, his only. He continued to taste and touch her even when she started to wiggle and tried to break away.

Penny placed her hands on Jason’s chest, pushing him away. Even as she attempted to do so, she couldn’t seem to get herself to stop kissing him. His taste was everything she remembered, multiplied over and over again. Lord, she could barely resist him.

Insane.

That’s what she had to be. She needed to get her behind on a plane to Los Angeles immediately.

The strength of his hold nearly took her breath away. His thighs felt like the perfect spot to rest her behind. What she wouldn’t have given to just be able to nestle closer to his rippling chest. His muscled arms wrapped around her felt so right. Yes, she needed to stop this now.

She made an attempt to close her lips, pursing them as she tried to finesse her way off his lap. All she managed to do was make him squeeze her tighter and cause him to nip and nibble on her bottom lip.

She opened her eyes and kept her mouth closed until he nipped her a little sharper.

His gaze, hooded in desire, said more to her than words could have at that point. And as if trying to prove just that, he only said one word. “Open.”

No way.
She tried to push away.

He held her and nipped her lip again. His tug softened as he whispered, “Open.” It was more of a plea now.

The desire, the plea, they weakened her. Hesitantly, she yielded her lips to his demand. She wanted to kiss him forever. What did that mean?

It means you need to get your behind on the next plane to L.A.

His tongue plundered her mouth at will as his hands roamed her body. Before she knew it, she was beginning to writhe and moan on his lap. She couldn’t help it. Only when he halted the kiss did she get any semblance of control. Except for the panting breaths and the shaking body, she was the picture of poise.

“Tell me.”

“Tell you…Tell you what?” she panted.

Where had all the air gone? Why did it feel like such a struggle to breathe? What had he done to her?

“Tell me what I need to hear, Penny.”

Only a jerk would make her forget herself, forget she needed to protect her heart, forget it was too late, forget there wasn’t a future for the two of them.

Scooting off his lap and standing as best she could on shaky legs, Penny began to back away. She couldn’t look him in the eye and say those things. She just couldn’t. She couldn’t do it then, and she couldn’t do it now.

“Please leave, Jason. Now.”

“No. Not until you say it!” He stood up, too, walking toward her even as she backed way.

She blinked several times, and the tears really started to fall.

Oh, God, why won’t he just leave me alone!

Her eyes went wide, and her mouth opened and closed several times before she covered it with her hands, afraid of what she might say if she risked uttering a word.

She glanced around the room for an escape. Her eyes caught an old picture of herself and Big Mama, taken when she was ten. She was sitting on Big Mama’s lap, with two long pigtails and a big space where her two front teeth should have been. The grin on her face and the gleam in her eyes reminded her of the safety she’d always felt in Big Mama’s lap.

Her knees gave out from under her, and she collapsed to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. Her shoulders shook and her body rocked back and forth as she held herself in a tight embrace, all the while keeping her gaze on the huge framed picture on the wall.

Big Mama was really gone.

Gone.

Closing her eyes, Penny let deep, painful moans leave her in quick succession. One after the other, each utterance seemed to carry its own special brand of pain.

Somebody was screaming, “No!” The loud, piercing screams seemed to shatter all the facades around her. For the first time in a long time, all of her shields were down and she felt vulnerable, bare.

The voice wouldn’t relent. It kept screaming, “No!”

She felt arms wrap around her, and she realized she was the one screaming. But she couldn’t stop.

He had pushed her too hard, and he could feel his heart breaking with each of her soul-piercing cries. He wouldn’t have known he still had a heart left to break, if he hadn’t felt the sharp shooting pain in his chest when she fell to her knees. He got up from the sofa, got down on the floor with her and wrapped his arms around her. As he held her crying, shaking body, he mentally chided himself for not picking a better time to confront her.