Raining In My Heart (Book One of the McKay's) (13 page)

"Want a cup?"
S
he turned to look at him.

"Yeah, maybe I'll need that
,
"
Cade
said.
"Might even need something stronger."

"Now that sounds ominous.
Want to tell me what put the bur under your saddle?"
Julie
almost laughed
as she put a cup on the table for him
.

"Sure…sure
,
I'll tell you.
I'll come right to the point.
" He fumbled with his hat then hooked it on the back of the chair
, holding it there for a minute before he let go
.
"
I want to know how come I've got a half
-
grown kid in there, and you're just now letting me in
on it?" His glance
stormed at her.

***

Julie
nearly dropped the pot she was holding. She
l
ooked up into azure eyes
that
nailed her to the front of the stove.
Cade's eyes held something deeper than anger, more worrisome, his eyes held hurt
, s
he'd never seen him like this.

Her mouth fell open, but words failed her. She hadn't once thought how she would ever tell
Cade
. She hadn't planned on telling him anything. How had he guessed?

"Who told you?"
S
he barely got the words out as she met his glance.

"Who told me?
That's priceless…
Do you think I wouldn't see the resemblance? But
, I hadn't a clue she was mine until
Wade
told me.
"

"
Wade
?"
S
he looked more puzzled than ever.
"But he didn't know.
I haven't even talked to
Wade
in years, other than to say hello.
"

"He said you and him never…"
Cade
stopped and moved away now. "He said you never did anything…"

"We
… didn't.
"

"That was a little bit of a shock.
No, that's a hellova shock.
"
Cade
shook his head and c
a
me to stand just in front of her
;
putting the coffee on the table
,
he stared into her
face. "
I took one look at that kid and knew she was kin to me. I just thought…well, I thought it was
Wade
's daughter.
I thought I was her Uncle, and proud of it, but I never dreamed I was the daddy.
When
Wade
didn't say anything, didn't acknowledge her, I asked questions and got some answers that floored me.
I still don't know what to say, how to react to all this.
You could have prepared me a little
Julie
.
"

Julie
swallowed hard. She sat down at the table and fumbled with her mug of coffee
, her thumb absently stroking the handle
.

And as though it just dawned on him,
Cade
lowered himself in a chair on the other side of the table
.
"That's why you never came back. You didn't want to tell me…did you?"

Julie
glanced up and saw the hurt in Cade's expression, the storm still unsettling inside him. "
I guess that's part of it. But…i
t's not as simple as that, and you are bound to figure that out.
I'm sorry…really I am. But…you
just
don't understand.
Please listen to me, Cade.
"

Cade
looked at her
and looked away
.
"Oh yes I do
understand
.
You were in love with
Wade
, not me.
You had the wrong man that night.
You wanted it to be his. I understand that. I understand that real well. But you've robbed me now, robbed me of my little girl. And you've robbed her of a father who would have loved her…
been there for her.
She thinks I didn't care all these years. That I didn't love her. God…
Julie
…she thinks…God knows what she thinks.
"

Julie
's eyes widened. In all the time she'd known Cade she'd never seen him so serious.
The fact that he was hurt made
Julie
instantly rethink the situation.
Guilt fed her inner most fears now. "
I never realized how you might feel
, either
.
I never looked at it that way,
Cade
.
I'm truly sorry if I misjudged the situation. I thought I was doing the best for everyone concerned.
It was only one time, there were no words of love between us. Not really. I didn't want you to have to be involved.
It wouldn't have been fair back then to tell you, you had a life to live.
"

Cade
stared at her then slammed his hand on the table, making another napkin bounce into the air.

"
Involved, being her father makes me involved,
Julie
.
There wasn't a crowd that night in the barn
, it was you and me.
" He came to stand beside her, and pulled her to her feet. Staring deep into his eyes
,
Julie
gulped.
"
Not even
Wade
was there.
And there was
more than just lust involved
, I thought you knew tha
t, sensed it. I thought a girl could tell when a man makes love to her
. We didn't just have sex, we made love.
My God,
Julie
, we made love all night, not just once, but…
Maybe you were too young to realize that, but it's true. I knew what I was doing.
But then I guess y
ou couldn't tell the difference, s
ince I was your
first.
"

"And the last…"
Julie
whispered.

Cade gasp
ed
;
another surprise!

"In my own defense Cade
…
"
Julie
looked down, afraid to meet his gaze.
"
I was young and vulnerable too. I didn't want to put something on you just because I made a mistake.
And that night…was all my mistake. I realized that.
You were so gentle with me, so tender. But then when I found out I was expecting…well,
I thought I could love her enough for both of us.
You didn't deserve instant fatherhood.
My own father would have made us get married, I know that. That's partly why I ran away so soon afterward.
I thought I was doing you a favor.
I truly did.
You had a good position here, m
y father might have fired you,
had he known. I had to leave, don't you see?
I didn't mean you harm. Or to hurt you.
But…now
I see where I messed up
, and
I don't know how to rectify it.
I wasn't looking at the whole picture
,
"
Julie
burst out.
"For you or for her."

"Our being together that night was a mistake…" she admitted.

"Well now
.
"
H
is voice deepened as he stared down at her. "That's priceless."

His fingers gently reached to trace her lips.
Julie
didn't move
;
her eyes slowly met his
.
The same crazy feelings came over her as when he took her for his own. A melting feeling
, an uncontrollable feeling
.

"
I didn't want you to feel responsible for what happened. Making love was all my fault. I'd planned to seduce
Wade
that whole day. And when someone told me he was in the tack room, well, I thought… well
,
you know what I thought. You look so much alike, and I didn't bother wheeling you around and looking for
the scar above
Wade
's hairline
.
When you reacted as if you loved me, I didn't bother checking an ID. I let it happen. I never realized 'til I walked out that next morning what I'd done.
I should have. If I'd been thinking at all I would have known.
Wade
walked up
to me, stared at me with those cold blue eyes and I knew
. I couldn't hold my head up. I felt so cheap.
I felt I'
d used you.
Wronged you.
So I ran. When…when I realize
d I was pregnant I was afraid to tell anyone, especially
D
ad
."

"You didn't have to be afraid of anything. We could have straightened it all out back then, if you'd told me.
Your father wasn't that unreasonable.
"

"
Really, then why did he make the rule that no cowboy on his land would date a
McKay
?
I was scared witless, not just of your reaction, but
D
ad's too."

"If it had been
Wade
's you would have stayed and told them both, though, wouldn't you?
"

"No!
That's not true
,
Cade.
"
Julie
whirled around at him, her hands coming to his arms and holding him.
"
I had a lot of respect for you.
So much so I refused to trap you into a marriage I was sure you didn't want
,
"
Julie
protested and turned away
.
Then as though she thought better of it, s
he whirled
about to stare into Cade's face.
"That's not why.
By the time I realized I was pregnant, things had changed,
Cade
. I had realized too that I didn't love
Wade
.
But because I had planned it all, and
had
been so sure of myself, I blamed myself. I felt you were the innocent victim. I couldn't come home and tell you.
I couldn't face my own shame.
No telling what Dad might have done at the time. And I didn't want to cause you trouble.
It shouldn'
t have been your responsibility
at all.
I came on to you, that
was
my fault. I caused it all. I realized that soon enough.
I was ashamed of my actions.
I resolved that whatever happened from then on was my own fault, my responsibility.
"

"
Good God,
Julie
,
do you have to keep apologizing for the whole thing?"
Cade
sounded tortured. He shook his head
.
"
M
aking love is a responsibility. Even I know that. There can be consequences
;
I knew that as well as you, maybe more than you did at the time. It wasn't a mistake totally.
I wanted you
Julie
or it would have never happened.
And I'd have married you without your father making me.
"

He turned away from h
er and stared out the door
.
"
I-I wanted you that night
Julie
and when you came so willing
ly
into my arms, I couldn't turn you away.
I thought if we made love you'd begin to see me. But you never did, did you?"

"Cade, I…"

"Maybe I wasn't as smart as I thought, either. But…
n
ot any longer. I wanted you to see something besides my brother. I wanted you to see me. But—you never did, did you? Still, t
hat's my little girl in there. You think I wouldn't have loved her?
I'd have cherished her like a priceless piece of ar
t. I'd have been proud to claim her.
And I don't shirk my responsibilities either. You never got to know me enough to know that.
I've worked my butt to the bone at this ranch, because I love it here. I've always loved this place.
Me and
Wade
didn't have our parents long, and when I came here I was just a kid. Your dad gave me a chance. A chance I couldn't believe. But when we made love...well, if there were any mistakes that night, they were mine.
I'd
never leave here
unless you found it unbearable to live around me
.