Raining In My Heart (Book One of the McKay's) (14 page)

"
I guess, in the long run, it
will be up to you. Right now…it's raining in my heart
, has been a while
.
You know why?
For what I've missed with that little girl,
and
with you.
That's how I feel, how I felt.
Right now I'm a little hurt, confused and even a little angry. I guess you thought you were protecting me all these years.
For that I should feel grateful.
But to find out now…that I'm a father…after all these years I've missed with her. How do I make that up to her? You never understood me. Your father learned to
, but not you. Oh… I understand. You made it perfectly clear you were interested in
Wade
, not me. But when you came in that tack room and started messing with me that day, I decided to teach you a lesson.
I'd wanted you so long…
"

"Wanted me…but…Cade…you never said anything
,
"
Julie
cried.
"Not once, why didn't you say something…?"

"How can you say something to a girl that's crazy about someone else?
Especially when that someone else is your brother?
And that hands off rule the
McKay
girls didn't help.
"

Then suddenly he pulled her
into h
is arms and he
st
oked her cheek gentl
y, staring into her eyes. S
lowly
,
he
captured her lower lip with h
is own, toying with it gently.
It was so soft, so tempting.
H
e tugged her lips apart and he swept her into another world
as his lips covered hers in possession.
Her lips yielded and he thought he heard a sigh escape her, as he masterfully swept her away into the loving void he created. His arms went around her, crushing her softly against him. He reveled in her reactions, weak at first, then much stronger as her lips responded to his mating call.

Emotions hung in the air between them as he slowly released her
.
After a long silence
,
she stared into his eyes.

"I honestly thought you'd see the difference and know. I'm not even sure you see it now
,
"
h
e was saying as
he let her slide back into her protected cocoon. He watched her reactions as he let her go, saw the light in her eyes slowly go out again,
he
saw the blush on her cheeks slowly return to normal
.

***

"Oh yes, I see it now
,
"
she finally
breathe
d, trying to forget the kiss that branded her
.
"But I guess it's too late, isn't it?"

"Must have been kind of a blow to you when y
ou
realized you'd made love to the wrong brother
.
I often wondered how long it took you to realize it. Naturally, y
ou couldn't stand the thought it was my kid and not
Wade
's, so you hid her from us both…dammit
Julie
…I knew you didn't love me…but to do this….
to your father too.
"

"Cade
,
I never meant to hurt you…
or anyone for that matter. I was young…scared.
"
S
he stood before him and tried to make him see reason.
She had felt his kiss to her toes and no one had ever kissed her like that in her life.
Cade was in love with her, still, and yet, he couldn't see her feelings. He was also convinced she didn't care.

"Never mea
nt to hurt me…are you kidding
?
That night was as much my fault as it was your
s
,
Julie
.
You see I wanted you. Always have, until now…
"

"I don't understand, what do you mean by that?"
Julie
stared into his eyes.

"
As much as you wanted
Wade
.
I wanted you, loved you.
"

Julie
's eyes widened with his admission.
She was right,
Cade
had
loved
her?
Then why hadn't he said something?
Perhaps it would have made a difference.

Cade
went on. "
Yeah, as crazy as you were for
Wade
, I was for you.
But you just couldn't see it.
Wade
…was in love with this place, his job,
his position. H
e never looked at you.
You took my love and threw it in the trash can like it never even happened.
Admit it, you never once realized I made love to you that day and through the night. Didn't it ever occur to you that I might have felt something?
You walked away from here and never once looked back. I vowed then I'd never have anything to do with a cold, calculating
McKay
again.
But that was before I figured out who
Kellie
is. Look
Julie
, despite how we feel about each other,
before this is over, she's going
to know who her father is
…
and that I love her!
And granted I know she can take my love and throw it away too, but at least she'll have the choice to do so.
It's her God
-
given right, and she'll have it.
"

"You can't just tell her.
Just blurt it out.
How could you explain it?
It might have devastating effects on her."

"Not as devastating as not knowing the truth.
Not as devastating as thinking I never cared about her.
No matter what you think or feel
Julie
, our daughter was conceived in love, my love…
"

"Cade, why didn't you ever say something?"

"
It wouldn't have done any good, you were in love or thought you were with
Wade
.
Yo
u don't tell a girl you love
her
when she's madly in love with your brother."

"Oh God…it could have made so much difference."
Julie
gasped.

"Could it? At the time,
I didn
't think so…"
Cade
hung his head, and then looked into her tear blurred eyes and rubbed his finger erotically against her lip once more. "I guess it's too late now…"

"No matter what you think of me, Cade,
I was trying to protect you in a way. It was a long time later before I realized that what you offered that one time was so much more than
W
ade
ever had
. But I was so embarrassed for the whole thing, I couldn't face you.
By the time it all came together in my mind, it was too late for the truth.
You never said anything about your feelings.
How could I know…
?
"

"It's never too late for the truth."
Cade's jaw tightened.

"Cade, I ask you to think about this before you act. Please. For everyone's sake…I never meant to hurt you…
If I could undo everything, I would.
Let me tell her. Give me some time to tell her…
"

"I'll probably forgive you someday for this,
Julie
, but right now it's a little hard to swallow."
He
looked down at the steaming coffee, took a sip
,
and
slammed it on
the table
. He
turned to look at her
. His eyes traveled her slowly
.
"Well honey, you sure managed to put a bur under my saddle this time…" And he stormed out the door, slamming it.

"Oh my God…" she whispered under her own breath a
fter he left. "Why didn't he tell me?"

Chapter
Eight

Flowers perfumed the church as
Julie
, her sisters and her daughter all passed by the closed casket.
Silent tears ran down
Julie
's cheek as she barely touched the casket
, barely took in all the flowers
, the picture her sister had taken of him recently showed a man in prime health
.
How could he be dead?

She wanted to jerk the casket
open and see her father one last time, but that was partial pay-back for not coming to see him when he was alive.
She felt like a leftover bag of regrets.

Julie
wondered why he had insisted on a closed casket, she wanted
the chance
to tell him goodbye once more
, even though she didn't deserve it
.

Things scattered through her mind about the last couple of days and
Julie
felt at a complete loss.

Cade
and
Wade
were right behind them, both looking paler
than she'd ever seen them
and sad.
Cade's glance slid over her slowly, and then he looked away.
If that smoldering gaze was any measure he might not be as over her as he claimed. She used to think he was just a flirt, but after the things he said the other night, she wasn't so sure she knew him.

Several of the ranch h
ands
filed into the pews beh
ind them, taking their hats off and
sniff
l
ing.
The old r
anch hand
,
Caleb
,
filed in right behind
Kellie
and winked at her when she turned around to smile at him
.
Julie
frowned, she
couldn't remember him
.

Slowly it dawned on her that she hadn't once given Cade and
Kellie
a chance to have a loving relationship as father and daughter.
Kellie
had missed having a father and she'd been the one to cheat her out of it.
So when she did tell her,
Kellie
would hate her for it. She had to face that, somehow.

Muted music sifted through the church
, taking
Julie
's mind from
Caleb
to the service that was about to begin
. Friends from all over came to pay their respects and the gi
rls greeted them all with slight
smile
s
and handshake
s
.

The preacher who had baptized
Julie
was holding the service and she was glad, he was such a good friend.

Letty sat beside h
er and
Kellie
and several times cast her a look of
camaraderie
.

It was too much. In one day she'd learned her true identity, been forced to move back home, and Cade
's kiss and
confronting her about
Kellie
cinched it.
Unspoken emotions weighed the day.
Maybe she should give it all up and just go back to her ordered little
world.
She could forget all this, she'd done it once before. But something niggled, maybe some things she might forget, but others sprang to mind, like Cade's kiss that was just short of heaven, that made her insides
catch afire. That would be hard to forget.
And his admission of love had startled her, awakened something new in her she'd never felt.

The simple admission of Cade's love for her changed one thing drastically. It set everything right. It turned everything she ever thought about that night to something more positive than she ever imagined. And it opened her eyes to the man that
Cade
was.

However, s
he could make her own money, marry
J
im
and nothing would change
.
But that thought didn't bring any happiness into her heart. That thought put a damper on everything else.
Julie
knew she was soul searching, knew her emotions ruled this day, but she couldn't change that fact either. She'd made a huge mistake and somehow she would have to live with it.

Cade's kiss had changed something
too
, and this time she was paying attention
to him
.
It was much too late, but she was paying attention.
It made her aware of Cade as something more than
Wade
's brother, and
Kellie
's father. All the love making they'd done that night had never touched her heart as much as that m
oment in the kitchen
in the
moonlight
, when he said it was raining in his heart
.