Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (3 page)

If she was a Dismissing parent, she might tell him that his reluctance to go to daycare is “silly”; that there’s no reason to feel sad about leaving the house. Then she might try to distract him from his sad thoughts, perhaps bribing him with a cookie or talking about fun activities his teacher has planned.

As a Disapproving parent, Diane might scold Joshua for his refusal to cooperate, telling him she’s tired of his bratty behavior, and threatening to spank him.

As a Laissez-Faire parent, Diane might embrace Joshua in all his anger and sadness, empathize with him, tell him it’s perfectly natural for him to want to stay home. But then she’d be at a loss for what to do next. She wouldn’t want to scold, spank, or bribe her son, but staying home wouldn’t be an option, either. Perhaps in the end, she’d cut a deal: I’ll play a game with you for ten minutes—then it’s out the door with no crying. Until tomorrow morning, that is.

So what would the Emotion Coach do differently? She might start out like the Laissez-Faire parent, empathizing with Joshua, and letting him know that she understands his sadness. But she would go further, providing Joshua with guidance for what to do with his
uncomfortable feelings. Perhaps the conversation would go something like this:

Diane
: Let’s put on your jacket, Joshua. It’s time to go.

Joshua
: No! I don’t want to go to daycare.

Diane
: You don’t want to go? Why not?

Joshua
: Because I want to stay here with you.

Diane
: You do?

Joshua
: Yeah I want to stay home.

Diane
: Gosh, I think I know just how you feel. Some mornings I wish you and I could just curl up in a chair and look at books together instead of rushing out the door. But you know what? I made an important promise to the people at my office that I’d be there by nine o’clock and I can’t break that promise.

Joshua
(starting to cry): But why not? It’s not fair. I don’t want to go.

Diane
: Come here, Josh. (Taking him onto her lap.) I’m sorry, honey, but we can’t stay home. I’ll bet that makes you feel disappointed doesn’t it?

Joshua
(nodding): Yeah.

Diane
: And kind of sad?

Joshua
: Yeah.

Diane
: I feel kind of sad, too. (She lets him cry for a while and continues to hug him, letting him have his tears.) I know what we can do. Let’s think about tomorrow, when we don’t have to go to work and daycare. We’ll be able to spend the whole day together. Can you think of anything special you’d like to do tomorrow?

Joshua
: Have pancakes and watch cartoons?

Diane
: Sure, that would be great. Anything else?

Joshua
: Can we take my wagon to the park?

Diane
: I think so.

Joshua
: Can Kyle come, too?

Diane
: Maybe. We’ll have to ask his mom. But right now it’s time to get going, okay?

Joshua
: Okay.

At first glance, the Emotion-Coaching parent may seem much like the Dismissing parent because both directed Joshua to think
about something other than staying home. But there is an important distinction. As an Emotion Coach, Diane acknowledged her son’s sadness, helped him to name it, allowed him to experience his feelings, and stayed with him while he cried. She didn’t try to distract his attention away from his feelings. Nor did she scold him for feeling sad, as the Disapproving mother did. She let him know that she respects his feelings and thinks his wishes are valid.

Unlike the Laissez-Faire mother, the Emotion-Coaching parent set limits. She took a few extra minutes to deal with Joshua’s feelings, but she let him know that she wasn’t going to be late for work and break her promise to her co-workers. Joshua was disappointed but it was a feeling both he and Diane could deal with. And once Joshua had a chance to identify, experience, and accept the emotion, Diane showed him it was possible to move beyond his sad feelings and look forward to fun the next day.

This response is all part of the process of Emotion Coaching that my research colleagues and I uncovered in our studies of successful parent-child interactions. The process typically happens in five steps. The parents:

1
. become aware of the child’s emotion;

2
. recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching;

3
. listen empathetically, validating the child’s feelings;

4
. help the child find words to label the emotion he is having; and

5
. set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem at hand.

T
HE
E
FFECTS OF
E
MOTION
C
OACHING

W
HAT DIFFERENCE DOES
it make when children have Emotion-Coaching parents?
By observing and analyzing
in detail the words, actions, and emotional responses of families over time, as we have done in our studies, we have discovered a truly significant contrast.
Children whose parents consistently practice Emotion Coaching have better physical health and score higher academically than children whose parents don’t offer such guidance. These kids get along better with friends, have fewer behavior problems, and are less prone to acts of violence. Over all, children who are Emotion-Coached experience fewer negative feelings and more positive feelings. In short, they’re more healthy emotionally.

But here’s the result I find most surprising: When mothers and fathers use a coaching style of parenting, their children become more resilient. The kids who are Emotion-Coached still get sad, angry, or scared under difficult circumstances, but they are better able to soothe themselves, bounce back from distress, and carry on with productive activities. In other words, they are more emotionally intelligent.

Indeed, our research shows that Emotion Coaching can even protect kids from the proven harmful effects of an increasingly common crisis for American families—marital conflict and divorce.

With more than half
of all marriages now ending in divorce, millions of children are at risk for problems many social scientists have linked to family dissolution. These problems include school failure, rejection by other children, depression, health challenges, and antisocial behavior. Such problems can also affect children from unhappy, conflict-ridden homes even when their parents don’t divorce.
Our own research shows
that when a couple constantly fights, their conflict gets in the way of their child’s ability to form friendships. We also found that marital conflict affects a child’s schoolwork and increases the child’s susceptibility to illness. We now know that a major result of the epidemic of ailing and dissolving marriages in our society is an increase in deviant and violent behavior among children and teenagers.

But when the Emotion-Coaching parents
in our studies experienced marital conflict, or were separated or divorced, something different happened. With the exception of the fact that these kids were generally “sadder” than the other children in our study, Emotion Coaching seemed to shield them from the deleterious effects suffered by so many who have this experience. Previously proven effects of divorce and marital conflict, such as academic failure, aggression, and problems with peers, did not show up in the Emotion-Coached
kids; all of which suggests that Emotion Coaching offers children the first proven buffer against the emotional trauma of divorce.

While such findings are obviously relevant for families who are currently struggling with marital problems and the aftermath of divorce, we expect that further research will reveal that Emotion Coaching can buffer children against a whole host of other conflicts, losses, and heartaches as well.

Another surprising discovery from our research has to do with fathers. Our studies found that when dads adopt an Emotion-Coaching style of parenting, it has an extremely positive impact on their children’s emotional development. When fathers are aware of their kids’ feelings and try to help them solve problems, children do better in school and in relationships with others. In contrast, an emotionally distant dad—one who is harsh, critical, or dismissing of his children’s emotions—can have a deeply negative impact. His kids are more likely to do poorly in school, fight more with friends, and have poor health. (This emphasis on dads does not mean that a mother’s involvement doesn’t affect children’s emotional intelligence as well. The effects of her interactions with her children are significant. But our studies indicate that a father’s influence can be much more
extreme
, whether that effect is good or bad.)

At a time when an alarming
28 percent of American children
are growing up in mother-only households, the significance of a father’s presence in a child’s life cannot be overlooked. We shouldn’t assume, however, that any father is better than no father. An emotionally present dad can be a tremendous benefit in a child’s life, but a cold and cruel father can do great harm.

While our research shows that Emotion-Coaching parents can help their kids develop into healthier, more successful adults, the technique is by no means a cure for serious family problems that require the help of a professional therapist. And unlike proponents of many other parenting theories, I will not promise that Emotion Coaching is a panacea for all the normal problems of family life. Practicing Emotion Coaching does
not
mean all family arguments will cease, that there will be no more harsh words, no more bruised feelings, no more sadness or stress. Conflict is a fact of family life. Still, once you start using Emotion Coaching, you will probably feel yourself growing closer to your children. And when your family
shares a deeper intimacy and respect, problems between family members will seem lighter to bear.

And finally, Emotion Coaching does
not
mean an end to discipline. Indeed, when you and your children are emotionally close, you are even more invested in their lives and can therefore assert a stronger influence. You’re in a position to be tough when toughness is called for. When you see your children making mistakes or slacking off, you call them on it. You’re not afraid to set limits. You’re not afraid to tell them when they’ve disappointed you, when you know they can do better. And because you have an emotional bond with your children, your words matter. They care about what you think and they don’t want to displease you. In this way, Emotion Coaching may help you guide and motivate your kids.

Emotion Coaching requires a significant amount of commitment and patience, but the job is essentially the same as that of any other coach. If you want to see your kid excel at baseball, you don’t avoid the game; you get out in the yard and start working with him. Likewise, if you want to see your child handle feelings, cope with stress, and develop healthy relationships, you don’t shut down or ignore expressions of negative emotion; you engage with your child and offer guidance.

While grandparents, teachers, and other adults can serve as Emotion Coaches in a child’s life, as a parent, you’re in the best spot for the job. After all, you’re the one who knows what rules you want
your
child to play by. And you’re the one who’s going to be there when life gets tough. Whether the challenge is infant colic, potty training, sibling warfare, or broken prom dates, your child looks to you for signals. So you might as well put on the coach’s cap and help your child win the game.

H
OW
C
OACHING
C
AN
R
EDUCE
Y
OUR
C
HILD’S
R
ISKS

T
HERE’S LITTLE DOUBT
that parents today face challenges those of previous generations did not. While parents in the 1960s may have fretted about alcohol on graduation night, today’s parents worry daily about cocaine sales at middle school. Yesterday’s parents worried
that their teenage daughters might turn up pregnant; today’s parents are teaching their fifth-graders about AIDS. A generation ago, turf battles between rival youth gangs erupted only in tough, urban areas and ended with fistfights or an occasional stabbing. Today, youth gangs spring up even in middle-class neighborhoods. And with the proliferation of the drug trade and firearms, gang fights often end in fatal shoot-outs.

Violent crimes against young people have been rising at an alarming rate.
Between 1985 and 1990
, homicide rates among fifteen- to nineteen-year-old youths rose 130 percent in nonwhite males, 75 percent in white males, and 30 percent in females of all races. At the same time, young American males have been committing more violent crimes at younger ages than ever before.
From 1965 to 1991
, the juvenile arrest rate for violent crime more than tripled. Between 1982 and 1991, the number of juveniles arrested for murder increased 93 percent, and for aggravated assault, 72 percent.

Parents have to do more today than provide kids with basic nurturing, a good education, and a strong moral ethic. Today’s families must also concern themselves with some of the most basic survival issues. How can we immunize our children from an epidemic of violence that is infesting youth culture in our country? How can we persuade them to postpone sexual activity until they are mature enough to make responsible, safe choices? How can we infuse them with enough self-regard that they steer clear of drug and alcohol abuse?

Over the years, social scientists have proven that children are drawn into antisocial, delinquent behavior as a result of problems in their family environment—problems like marital conflict, divorce, the physical or emotional absence of a father, domestic violence, poor parenting, neglect, abuse, and poverty. The solutions, then, should be to build better marriages and see that parents have the economic and social support they need to take good care of their children. The problem is, our society appears to be headed in the opposite direction.