Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (24 page)

Set aside some time when you are feeling relatively calm and can talk to your child about his or her reactions to stress in the household. You might begin by saying something like, “I noticed you got really quiet and went in your room when Daddy and I were arguing. It makes me wonder if you found our argument upsetting.” Encourage your child to talk about the sadness, fear, or anger he may feel. Listen empathetically as he talks and help him to label his emotions. You may be able to uncover fears in your child that you weren’t previously aware of. Perhaps he’s afraid that if you and your spouse separate, he’ll never see one of you again. Maybe he wonders where he would live, how just one parent would be able to provide for him. Maybe he’s afraid that he somehow caused the problems and so he’s feeling guilty or distressed about that. Or, maybe he’s not certain what he’s afraid of; he just feels that something bad is happening and he’s anxious not knowing what’s going to happen next. Whatever fears he expresses, you can let him know that even though Mom and Dad aren’t getting along, the two of you will always love him and care for him. Perhaps you’re in the position to reassure him that even though you and your spouse are having problems, separation or divorce is not a consideration. On the other hand, you may indeed be planning to separate and this can be a time to tell him about those plans. Either way, you can assure him that the problems aren’t his fault and that it’s not his responsibility to fix them. Tell him that Mom and Dad are working on finding the best solution for everybody and that you’ll continue talking to him about what’s going on.

After explaining the situation and helping your child to express his feelings about it, you can use this time to help him find ways of coping with the sadness and anger he may feel. Options may include seeing a professional counselor who helps kids deal with family problems, or joining a support group for children whose parents are divorcing. Children may also find solace in keeping a journal, drawing, or other forms of artistic expression. Ask him for his ideas about how he might feel soothed. Don’t expect miracles, however. Our research showed that even though Emotion-Coached kids from ailing
marriages fared better than other children through their parents’ divorces, they experienced just as much sadness as children who were not coached. Under such circumstances, the best a parent can do may be to assure a child that his sadness is normal, warranted, and understood.

Just as Emotion Coaching can serve a family well through marital conflict and divorce if it happens, Emotion Coaching may continue to be of benefit later on, should you need to deal with other resulting issues such as the introduction of stepparents or conflicts over custody matters. A divorced mother who suspects her daughter feels anxious about plans for remarriage, for example, can use techniques of Emotion Coaching to talk about this sensitive issue. She might say, for example, “You seem kind of distracted lately. Are you worried about what it’s going to be like after the wedding?” Or, “Lots of times kids feel uneasy about stepdads moving into their houses. They’re afraid they won’t like their stepdad. Or they’re afraid that if they do like their stepdad, their real dad is going to be mad. Do you ever have feelings like that?”

Talking with children about their feelings regarding marital conflict is rarely easy. You may wonder how to begin the conversation or you may worry about how the child will respond. Perhaps it will help to keep in mind that by bringing up the subject, you are demonstrating your desire and willingness to stay close. Remember Nicholas Zill’s heartbreaking findings on the long-term aftermath of divorce—that adult children who saw their parents’ marriages dissolve report far more alienation from their parents years later than those whose parents’ marriages were stable. Although we don’t have data yet from our studies to tell us how Emotion-Coaching families who divorce are weathering the passage of adolescence, perhaps we’ll find that this style of communication makes a difference in their relationships with their children long-term. Perhaps Emotion Coaching will allow parents and children to form and maintain a lasting bond—one that can be sustained into adulthood despite all the turmoil and changes brought about by marital conflict and divorce.

Stay engaged in the details of your children’s everyday lives. The secret to buffering kids from the negative effects of marital conflict is to stay emotionally available to them. This requires paying
attention to the everyday, mundane incidents that give rise to their emotions. Such issues may have very little to do with your marital problems. Life goes on for kids even when their parents are distracted by adult issues. Small children, for example, might be feeling anxious about a new baby-sitter, or fearful of sleeping in a “big-boy bed” for the first time. For an older child, issues could range from frustration over math lessons to worries about a classroom crush. If parents can muster the energy and focus to practice Emotion Coaching with their children over such matters—despite the stresses of marital crisis—they are doing their children a great service. Kids need their parents to be emotionally close, and they especially need them close during times of family upheaval.

Chapter 6

T
HE
F
ATHER’S
C
RUCIAL
R
OLE

I
MAGINE THREE DIFFERENT MEN, EACH COMING HOME AT THE
end of the day. Each is in his late thirties and each has two kids, a boy, eight, and a girl, ten. Each man carries home the evening paper and slips the key in the door. But once the doors open, the similarities vanish.

The first man comes home to a dark apartment. Listening to messages on his answering machine, he hears the terse, familiar voice of his ex-wife, reminding him that it’s his daughter’s birthday.

“I knew that,” he mumbles and dials a long-distance number. He’s relieved when the girl, and not her mother, answers the phone.

“Happy Birthday, sweetheart!”

“Hi, Daddy,” she says quietly.

“So, did you get my package?” he asks after an awkward silence.

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“So what do you think? They said at the store it was the newest kind.”

“Yeah. It’s great, only …”

“Only what?”

“Well, I’m not really into Barbie dolls so much anymore.”

“Oh. Okay. Well, we can take it back. Hang on to it and we’ll get something different when you visit me at Christmas, okay?”

“Okay.”

“So, how’s it going?”

“Okay.”

“How’s school?”

“Fine.”

“How’s your little brother?”

“He’s all right.”

And so the conversation continues, with Dad the interrogator, his daughter the reluctant witness. Winding up with a monologue about the great time they’ll have when the kids come to visit in December, the man hangs up, feeling empty, defeated.

M
AN NUMBER TWO
opens the door to a brightly lit home, which is filled with the smell of supper cooking. Something Italian, he suspects.

“Hey, there,” he says to his kids, who are busy with a video game. He swats each child playfully with the newspaper, then makes his way to the kitchen to help his wife with dinner.

“So how was school?” he asks when the kids take their places at the table.

“Fine,” they answer in unison.

“Learn anything?”

“Not really,” mumbles his daughter.

“We’re doing times tables,” his son offers.

“Good,” Dad replies and then he turns to his wife. “Say, did that guy ever call about the mortgage?”

“You wanna hear me do the four-times table?” the boy interrupts.

“Not right now, son,” Dad replies wearily. “I’m trying to talk to your mother.”

The boy falls silent while his parents discuss the pros and cons of refinancing. But as soon as there’s a break in the conversation, he tries again. “Hey, Dad, you wanna hear me do the four-times table?”

“Not with your mouth full of garlic bread,” Dad answers sarcastically. Undaunted, the boy takes a swig of milk and begins, “Four times one is four; four times two is eight; four times three …”

When the boy finally hits forty-eight, Dad says flatly, “Very good.”

“Want to hear me do five-times?” his son asks.

“Later on,” the man answers. “Now, why don’t you go finish that game with your sister so your mom and I can talk.”

T
HE THIRD MAN
opens the door to a similar scene as the second man. His wife is cooking, his kids are busily engaged in a video game. But at the supper table, the conversation unfolds differently.

“So what happened at school today?” he asks.

“Nothing,” his kids reply in unison.

“Did you play with your new mitt at recess?” he asks his son.

“Yeah.”

“And did you play first base like you wanted to?”

“Yeah.”

“No flak from Peter about it, then?”

“Nah. He was cool. He played second. We made a double play.”

“That’s great! How was your batting?

“Terrible! I struck out twice.”

“Oh, man, what a bummer. Maybe you just need some practice.”

“Yeah, prob’ly.”

“How ‘bout if I toss you some pitches after supper.”

“Okay!”

“And what about you?” he says to his daughter

“What?” she replies, a little defensive.

“Did you have a good day?”

“It was all right,” she says, clearly sad about something.

“What did Mrs. Brown think of your duet?”

“We didn’t do it. Cassie was sick.”

“Not again. Was it her asthma?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“That’s too bad. Well, at least that will give you more time to work on the piece.”

“But I’m sick of it, Daddy.”

“Yeah, rehearsing the same piece of music over and over again gets boring sometimes, doesn’t it?”

“I don’t want to play the flute anymore,” she announces.

And so the conversation continues as Dad listens to his daughter complain, helping her decide how to cope with her frustration.

E
XAMINED SHOULDER TO
shoulder like this, it’s clear that fathers can vary widely in levels of involvement with their children. The last dad seemed to be aware of countless details in his kids’ lives—including their friends’ names, their daily activities, their challenges on the playground. Such awareness allows him to lend his kids emotional support and guidance. By contrast, the dad before him seemed uninterested, preoccupied, almost contemptuous when his
son tried to get his attention. And the long-distance father knew so little about his daughter’s life that he could barely engage her in a conversation.

Psychologists have long believed that a father’s involvement in child-rearing is important. Mounting scientific evidence now suggests that involved fathers—and especially those who are emotionally available to their kids—make a unique contribution to their children’s well-being. Fathers may influence children in ways that mothers don’t, particularly in areas such as the child’s peer relationships and achievement at school. Research indicates, for example, that boys with absent fathers have a harder time finding a balance between masculine assertiveness and self-restraint. Consequently, it’s tougher for them to learn self-control and to delay gratification, skills that become increasingly important as boys grow and reach out for friendship, academic success, and career goals. A father’s positive presence can be a significant factor in a girl’s academic and career achievement as well, although the evidence here is more ambiguous. It’s clear, however, that girls whose fathers are present and involved in their lives are less likely to become sexually promiscuous at a young age, and more likely to forge healthy relationships with men when they become adults.

Research also shows that a father’s influence has staying power.
One long-term study
begun in the 1950s, for example, shows that kids whose dads were present and involved in their care when they were age five grew up to be more empathetic, compassionate adults than those whose dads were absent.
By age forty-one, study participants
who experienced more warmth from their fathers as children were more likely to have better social relationships. The evidence of this included longer, happier marriages, having their own kids, and engaging in recreational activities with nonfamily members.

Such findings about the importance of fathers come at a critical time in the history of the American family. You only need to turn on the nightly news to hear the cacophony of concern over the changing role of dads in our society. From fire-in-the-belly followers of spiritualist poet Robert Bly to fundamentalist Christians involved in groups like the Promise Keepers, men are awakening to the profound significance of the father-child bond. Whether it’s conservative politicians like Dan Quayle decrying the media’s glorification
of TV’s single mom Murphy Brown, or throngs of African-American men demonstrating in the 1995 Million Man March on Washington, D.C., there is a common theme: Too many men have been absent from their families for too long. Linking soaring rates of divorce and out-of-wedlock births to the rising tide of youth violence and other social problems, government officials, religious leaders, and social activists of all persuasions are calling on men to take more personal responsibility for raising their children. They are saying that it’s time for dads to come home.

The research my colleagues and I have done lends support to the conviction that children do indeed need fathers. But our work also offers this important distinction:
Not just any dad will do
. Children’s lives are greatly enhanced by fathers who are emotionally present, validating, able to offer comfort in times of distress. By the same token, children can be deeply harmed by fathers who are abusive, highly critical, humiliating, or emotionally cold.

F
ATHERHOOD IN
T
RANSITION