Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (23 page)

H
ORSEMAN
N
O. 4
: Stonewalling. If partners can’t reach a truce—and if they continue to allow criticism, contempt, and defensiveness to rule their relationship—they are likely to meet the fourth horseman: stonewalling. This happens when one partner simply shuts down because the conversation has become too intense. In essence, one partner becomes like a stone wall, offering no
indication that he hears and understands what the other partner is saying.

In our studies, 85 percent of the stonewallers were men—not surprising, since men seem to have a more extreme physiological response to marital stress and thus are more inclined to want to flee from it. This effect could be due to basic sex differences in physiology, or it could be due to the fact that men are more likely than women to dwell on thoughts that maintain distress when they are not with their spouses. When interviewed about their behavior, many of the stonewalling men saw their silence as “neutral,” and not as something that could harm their marriages. The men didn’t understand that their wives were often upset by their quiet, unresponsive attitudes, that they saw their husbands’ behavior as smugness, lack of interest, or disapproval. The men felt it was better not to speak, because speaking might risk escalating tensions. Regardless of the stonewallers’ positive intentions, studies show that habitual silence in the face of marital distress causes problems. Unless both partners are willing to talk, problems go unresolved and isolation worsens. Men withdraw when things become emotionally heated. Women tend more than men to take their emotional cues from the social environment rather than from what they feel physically. This may be one reason why women are more likely than men to stay in a failing marriage even when it is detrimental to their health.

For partners who are aware they are stonewalling and want to change, I recommend making a conscious effort to give your spouse more feedback during discussions. Even the simple act of nodding or murmuring “um-hm” during a conversation lets the speaker know he or she is being heard. Such validation can help improve the relationship. From here, the stonewaller can graduate to higher levels of effective listening, such as reflecting back to your partner what you are hearing.

Because physiological responses to stress may play a key role, spouses who want to stop stonewalling and start communicating may wish to explore new ways to stay calm while discussing hot topics with their partners. Some couples we’ve worked with have actually
kept track of their pulse
during arguments, which proved to be useful. When these couples found their heart rates had climbed to
more than twenty points over their normal resting rates, they would take a break from the discussion. Then they would return to the issue later on when they were feeling more relaxed. For couples who would like to try this method, I recommend that you get back to the discussion within a half hour or so, which usually gives you enough time to recover from overarousal, without running the risk of dropping the issue altogether and impeding progress toward a better relationship. What you do with your tension and thoughts during this interim period is important. Deep breathing, relaxation, or aerobic exercise may be calming. Let go of vengeful or distressing thoughts about your partner during this time, if possible. Concentrate instead on positive, soothing, optimistic messages.

More information about staving off the four horsemen and improving your marital relationship can be found in my book
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail
. The crucial message for parents is that children suffer from the very same elements that are most likely to bring a marriage down. But if parents—even divorcing parents—can work together to improve their communication, their children will benefit.

MANAGE YOUR MARITAL CONFLICT

In addition to practicing Emotion Coaching with your spouse, there is some very practical advice parents can follow to further protect their kids from the negative impact of marital disputes. The idea is to manage marital conflict so that your children don’t become enmeshed in your problems or feel that they are somehow responsible for them. Protecting kids also requires having the kind of open communication with them that’s inherent in Emotion Coaching. In addition, it’s important to have trustworthy sources of social support for your children beyond your immediate family.

Don’t use your children as weapons in marital conflict. Perhaps it’s because parents recognize the precious value of their relationships with their children that angry spouses sometimes feel tempted to use those relationships to hurt each other. Divorced couples may try to restrict each other’s ability to see the kids. This technique is particularly common among mothers who feel betrayed and powerless, who feel as though access to the children is the only leverage
they have left in the marital relationship. The problem is exacerbated when the noncustodial fathers fail to help support their children, which makes mothers feel even more justified in keeping the children away.

Angry parents may also attempt to hurt their spouses or ex-spouses by turning their children’s affections against the other. This can be done by saying damaging things (true or false) about the other parent or asking the child to choose sides in a marital dispute.

I believe that such attempts at purposely alienating a child from his or her other parent are among the most harmful things couples in conflict can do to their kids. Such acts can create a chronic source of agonizing conflict for the child who loves both parents, wants to be loyal to both, and feels obliged to protect each from the other’s attacks. Continually involving children in marital disputes can make them feel as though they are somehow responsible for the family rift and therefore responsible for repairing it. Obviously, there is little a child can or should do to keep his parents’ marriage together. This leaves the child feeling powerless, confused, and discouraged.

Most children need the love and support of both parents, particularly when they are trying to cope with the turmoil of their parents’ conflicts. When one parent uses a child as a political football to hurt the other, it’s the child who loses.

My advice to parents who find themselves in long-term battles with their spouses is to perform a “marriage-ectomy” on their family life. By this I mean that they should separate in their minds the two roles of parent and embattled spouse. Then, as parents, they should do everything within their power to help their children feel secure and well loved by both mother and father, even if that means giving up some power and authority to the spouse.

Parents in conflict should refrain from talking about the spouse in a critical or blaming way, since this may damage the child’s relationship with that other parent or cause her to feel disloyal, guilty, and further stressed. If you can do so honestly, focus instead on the constructive aspects of your conflicts. When possible, tell your child that your disagreements are helping Mom and Dad sort through their differences and that the two of you are working on solutions.

Don’t allow your kids to get in the middle. It’s not unusual for children in high-conflict marriages to try to act as a mediator between
Mom and Dad. Some researchers theorize that this is all part of the child’s attempt to regulate his or her emotions. The children feel frightened by the turmoil in the family and are desperate to do something about it, so they take on the role of amateur marriage counselor and referee. But holding together a family is far too strenuous for any child and will only lead to additional problems.

If you sense that your child is trying to be a mediator between you and your spouse, take it as a sign that the level of conflict in your home is much too high. For the well-being of your child, you must de-escalate the battle. Here’s where the techniques of Emotion Coaching can be of great benefit. Use them to find out what your child is feeling and to empathize. If you have a younger child, let her know that it’s not her responsibility to take care of her parents. Tell her this is something grown-ups need to work out by themselves and that all of you will be okay. With an older child, your talk can be more sophisticated, but try conveying the same message—that conflicts between Mom and Dad are not her responsibility to resolve.

You can acknowledge that it’s upsetting to hear Mom and Dad arguing, but that sometimes it’s necessary for parents to disagree in order to work through problems. Again, assure your child, if you can, that Mom and Dad are trying to find a way to make things better.

By the same token, let your child know that he or she is not the source of problems between you and your spouse. Research shows that a child old enough to understand the content of his parents’ fights will experience more stress when witnessing an argument that’s about the child himself. When this happens, he is likely to experience feelings of shame, self-blame, and fear of being drawn into the dispute. Under such circumstances, you might say, “Mom and Dad have different ideas about what to do in this situation. But it’s not your fault that we don’t agree.”

To further prevent children from becoming entangled in marital conflict, don’t ask them to serve as a go-between regarding issues of conflict. Imagine the stress a child must feel if asked to carry messages so loaded that his own parent doesn’t want to deliver them in person. (“You tell your father that I don’t want him picking you up from school without asking me first.”)

Nor should a child be asked by one parent to withhold sensitive
information from the other. Such practices serve as a model for deception in family relationships and only prove to your child that you and other family members can’t be trusted. Also, children need to feel that they can talk to their parents about anything that’s bothering them without fear that doing so would betray one parent’s confidence. And finally, children need to feel that despite Mom and Dad’s disagreements, the two adults are working together in the child’s best interest. Asking a child to keep secrets undermines all of this.

Let your kids know when conflicts are resolved. Just as children are distressed by seeing their parents argue, so, too, are they soothed by knowing Mom and Dad have reached a resolution. Studies conducted by University of West Virginia professor E. Mark Cummings showed that
children often displayed aggression
and distress in reaction to seeing adults argue. But their reactions were much calmer if they understood that the adults had solved their differences. In addition, Cummings found that
the degree of resolution mattered
to the children. For example, the kids responded more positively when they actually witnessed adults apologizing to each other, or working out a compromise. The children did not have as positive a reaction to more subtle resolutions such as adults’ simply changing the subject, or one adult’s submission to the other. Silence between the adults or continued, open fighting produced the highest negative response from the children.

In addition, Cummings found that the emotional content of the resolution is important to children. In other words, they can tell if an adult is expressing an apology in an angry way or agreeing to a compromise without enthusiasm. Very young children, of course, may have trouble understanding abstract ideas about resolution and forgiveness. For them, it may be beneficial for their parents to give some physical cues that a resolution has been reached. A warm hug between Mom and Dad, for example, lets kids know that their parents are getting back on an even keel.

Establish networks of emotional support for your children. When parents experience a high degree of marital stress, it’s not unusual for older children—especially teenagers—to disengage from their families and seek emotional support in other places. They may
start spending more time with peers or on hobbies. They may attach themselves to the families of friends or relatives who do not have so many problems. While a child’s withdrawal from his or her own family may be distressing, it can also be a positive coping mechanism for the child, provided that the people and activities they choose are positive influences in their lives.

Unfortunately, that’s not the case for many children. Some kids don’t have responsible adults in their lives to whom they can turn. Nor do they have good access to constructive outlets such as sports, academic activities, or the arts. When this is the case, kids often fall prey to unwholesome influences. As research shows, children from unstable homes are at a particularly high risk for being drawn into deviant peer groups and delinquent behavior.

It’s important, therefore, to pay more, not less attention to your child’s friends and activities during periods of family strife. Find out how he is spending his time and with whom. Stay in touch with the parents of his friends and do what you can to monitor and supervise the kids’ activities. Talk to your child’s teachers and counselors to let them know that your family is experiencing some stress. Tell them you would appreciate their support and a watchful eye over your child. Do what you can to ensure that your child has other trustworthy adults around him—coaches, teachers, aunts and uncles, neighbors, grandparents, and friends’ parents—whom he can turn to for nurturing and support.

Although younger children don’t have the mobility and independence to seek emotional support outside the home during times of family crisis, that doesn’t mean they don’t need such refuge as well. Again, talk with your child’s teachers and child-care providers. Let them know when the family is going through a particularly tough time and ask them to provide your child with a little extra patience and nurturing given the circumstances. Visit often with other families, perhaps within your own extended family, so that your children can experience a sense of belonging and emotional support.

Use Emotion Coaching to talk about marital conflicts. If ever there is a time to talk to your children about their feelings, it is when marital conflict erupts at home. Although it may be difficult for parents who are feeling sad or angry over conflicts with their
spouses to find the emotional energy to talk to their children about it, chances are the kids are also feeling bad and need some guidance in handling those emotions.