Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (18 page)

Children need practice weighing their options, finding solutions. They need to see what happens when they make choices based on their family’s value system; what happens when they choose to ignore family standards. Such lessons are sometimes painful, but with Emotion Coaching, they can also be powerful opportunities for parents to offer guidance.

Parents can be assured that the earlier a child learns to express preferences and make wise choices, the better. Once a child reaches adolescence, with its increased freedom and accompanying risks, irresponsible decision making can be far more dangerous.

In addition to a sense of responsibility, giving children choices helps them to build self-esteem. A child whose parents constantly limit choice gets the message, “You’re not only small; your desires don’t matter very much.” If this works, she may grow to be obedient and cooperative, but she will have very little sense of herself.

True, giving children choices and honoring their wishes takes time and patience. Recall that one researcher found preschoolers make an average of three demands per minute. Not all these requests require a response, but many requests come at a fairly trivial cost for parents. Your daughter wants you to fix her plate so the peas and potatoes don’t touch. Your son wants to see Big Bird one more time before you turn the channel. Your daughter doesn’t want you to buy the ice cream with nuts. Your son wants you to leave the hall light on. Amazing as it may seem, hearing and granting such wishes can have important long-term consequences. That’s because children’s preferences help them form their identities. When their wishes are granted, children get the message, “What I want matters after all; how I feel makes a difference.” Your daughter can say to herself, “Yes, that’s the way I like it. I’m the kind of child who doesn’t like foods mixing on my plate. I have power to make this food yummy.”

In time, such statements can be building blocks for assertions like “I’m the kind of kid who likes hard challenges on the monkey bars.” Or, “I’m the kind of person who enjoys math.”

So the next time your child makes a small request—no matter how silly or trivial it may seem to you at the time—try not to perceive it as a battle of wills. Instead, ask yourself whether it’s really such a big deal that you can’t honor it. The results may benefit your child, who uses such interactions to develop a sense of self.

SHARE IN YOUR CHILD’S DREAMS AND FANTASIES

This technique is a great way to get on your child’s wavelength, making empathy easier. It’s particularly helpful when children express
desires that are beyond the realm of possibility. Say, for example, that your teenager tells you he wants a new mountain bike, but you’re not sure you can afford it. If you’re like many parents, your first impulse may be to feel irritated. “After all,” you want to tell him, “I just got you a new racing bike last year. Do you think I’m made of money?”

But imagine what might happen if you simply thought about his wish for a few moments and indulged in his fantasy. Then you might respond by saying, “Yeah, I can understand why you’d like to get a mountain bike. You like getting out on trails, don’t you?” You could even take the fantasy further, adding: “Wouldn’t it be great if all your friends had mountain bikes, too? Imagine if I could take a bunch of you camping for a week. We’d bring our tents and fishing gear and …”

From here you might explore the merits of camping trips with or without mountain bikes. You can still make the point that you’re not going to spend money on the bike yourself, but you might also start brainstorming ways for your son to earn his own money to buy it. The important thing is that your son knows you have heard him and that you think he and his desires are okay.

BE HONEST WITH YOUR CHILD

Most children seem to have a sixth sense about when their parents—particularly their fathers—are telling the truth. Therefore, Emotion Coaching must be more than the rote mouthing of phrases like, “I understand,” or, “That would make me mad, too.” You can
say
the right thing, but if your heart isn’t in it, it won’t draw you any closer to your child. In fact, fudging may cause you to lose credibility with your child, which can drive a wedge in your relationship. Be sure, therefore, that you truly understand your child before you say you do. If you’re not sure whether you understand, simply reflect back what you see and hear. Ask a few questions. Try to keep the line of communication open. But by all means, don’t fake it.

READ CHILDREN’S LITERATURE TOGETHER

From infancy through adolescence, high-quality children’s books can be a great way for parents and kids to learn about emotions. Stories can help children build a vocabulary for talking about feelings, and illustrate the different ways people handle their anger, fear, and sadness.

Well-chosen, age-appropriate books can even provide a way for parents to talk about subjects they may find difficult to address—subjects like “where babies come from” and “what happened to Grandpa when he died.”

Television programs and movies can also be fuel for such family conversations. But I think books work better because the reader and listener can stop at any point and discuss what’s happening in the story. Reading aloud also gives children a better sense that the family is participating in the storytelling, and so they may feel a greater investment in the narrative and its characters.

Well-written children’s literature can also help adults get in touch with the emotional world of youngsters. One mother in our groups told of reading a story with her ten-year-old about a group of preteen girls who were sad when one member had to move away. Although it was just a simple story about a common situation, it touched the mother deeply as she remembered her own sense of loss moving cross-country when she was her daughter’s age. Reminded of how passionate children’s friendships can be in middle childhood, the mother better understood the significance of her daughter’s own blossoming relationships.

Many parents, unfortunately, quit reading aloud to their children once the youngsters learn to read on their own. But others continue into the teen years, taking turns at reading increasingly sophisticated books. Like regular family meals, such habits provide assurance that parent and child will connect on a consistent basis to share something enjoyable.

The Appendix lists titles of good children’s books that deal with emotions. Your child’s teacher or librarian may also offer suggestions.

BE PATIENT WITH THE PROCESS

To be effective as an Emotion Coach, you must allow your child time to express feelings without becoming impatient. If your child is sad, he may cry. If she is angry, she may stomp her feet. It may be uncomfortable for you to spend time with your child in this state. You may feel as though Trouble has become your middle name.

It helps, however, to remember that the goal of Emotion Coaching is to explore and understand emotions, not to suppress them. It may be easier in the short run to dismiss your child’s negativity, ignore it, and hope that it will take care of itself. You can form the deluded philosophy that the mere passage of time will make things better. What you get for this attitude is less trouble in the short run, but more trouble in the long run. Problems are much harder to cope with after they have been neglected and your child has become emotionally distant.

In contrast, the rewards of parenting come from being attentive to our children’s feelings. It is impossible to accept and validate a child’s emotion at the same time you wish it would just go away. Acceptance and validation come instead from empathy—that is, feeling what your child is feeling in the moment.

As you empathize, see if you can experience your shared emotions as a physical sensation. I compare this to the way you might allow a rousing piece of music to stir up your emotions, making you feel excited, sad, passionate, inspired. You can choose to be with your child’s feelings in the same way, allowing them to resonate within you. If you can do this, you’ll be able to say from your heart, “It
is
sad that Daddy had to leave without you.” “Being hit by a friend would make
me
angry, too.” “I can see that you
hate
it when I correct you.”

Remember also that you don’t always need words to communicate understanding. Your willingness to sit quietly with a child as the two of you grapple with feelings speaks volumes. For one, it can indicate to your child that you take the matter seriously. It can also say that you agree that this is not an insignificant problem; it requires thought and attention.

As you sit together with an emotion, know that a hug or a back rub often says more than words—especially if the child is grappling with sadness or fear.

Sometimes a child may say she’s not ready to talk about an issue and that should be respected, for the most part. Try to make a date to talk with her about the matter soon, however. Then make a note and pursue the issue as promised.

Once you dedicate yourself to being present with your child’s emotions, you will find opportunities to connect with her in meaningful ways on a day-to-day basis. From a series of seemingly mundane incidents, you’ll form an important, lasting bond. You’ll become what my friend and developmental psychologist Ross Parke refers to as “a collector of moments.” You’ll recognize your interactions as precious opportunities and value aspects that others might miss. And when you look back, you’ll see your relationship with your child as you would a treasured string of pearls.

UNDERSTAND YOUR BASE OF POWER AS A PARENT

By “base of power” I mean the element in the parent-child relationship that makes it possible for parents to set limits on children’s misbehavior—something all kids want and need. For some parents, the base of power is threats, humiliation, or spanking. Others, who are overly permissive, may feel they have no base of power at all. For Emotion-Coaching parents, the base of power is the emotional bond between parent and child.

When you are emotionally connected to your child, limit setting comes out of the your genuine reactions to your child’s misbehavior. Your child responds to your anger, disappointment, and worries, so you don’t have to resort to negative consequences such as spanking and time-outs to amplify your feelings. The respect and affection you and your child have for each other become your primary vehicle for limit setting.

Because respect and affection are so important to this equation, it’s easy to see why it’s crucial to avoid derogatory comments and humiliation when you correct your child’s behavior. A child who has just been spanked or called sloppy, mean, or stupid is likely to be more interested in retaliating against his parents than in pleasing them.

If you have resorted to methods like humiliation and spanking in
the past, you may wonder whether it’s possible to shift your base of parental power to one that’s rooted in shared positive feelings. I believe such change
is
possible, but it will take a lot of work. You will need to correct old patterns of disciplinary behavior, integrating Emotion Coaching into your interactions with your child. You will have to work hard at building a relationship that’s based on trust rather than intimidation.

As you work to make this shift, it will help to keep these two of Haim Ginott’s principles in mind: (1) All feelings are permissible; not all behavior is permissible. And, (2) The parent-child relationship is not a democracy; it is the parent who determines what behavior is permissible.

If your child is a teen or preteen, you can discuss such base-of-power issues directly, especially as they relate to rules. Try to arrive at rules (and consequences for breaking rules) through compromise and respectful discussion. Don’t be afraid to be firm—especially when it comes to your child’s safety and well-being. As a mature adult, you know better what behaviors are potentially dangerous. Keep in mind also that research shows children whose parents monitor their friends, activities, and whereabouts are less prone to risky behavior. They are less likely to fall into a deviant peer group, get in trouble with the police, abuse drugs, commit pranks and crimes, become promiscuous, and run away.

Some parents have more difficulty than others shifting to a more positive base of power. This is particularly true when trust, respect, and affection have faded from the parent-child relationship. Family therapy is often effective in such cases and I would encourage parents to consider this option. Don’t be surprised if the therapist you choose wants to have individual sessions with your child. And be aware that the therapist may serve as your child’s advocate in your “family court.” It’s hard to say how long it takes for family therapy to be effective. Like going to the dentist, much depends on how long problems have been ignored. But research shows that family therapists are developing reasonably effective methods of helping families to reestablish trust and communication. So there is a lot of reason for hope.

BELIEVE IN THE POSITIVE NATURE OF HUMAN DEVELOPMENT

The more I learn about children, the more I believe that the natural course of human development is an incredibly positive force. By this, I mean that children’s brains are naturally wired to seek security and love, knowledge, and understanding. Your child wants to be affectionate and altruistic. She wants to explore the environment, find out what causes lightning, what’s inside a dog. He wants to know what is right and good, what is bad and evil. She wants to know about dangers in the world and how to avoid them. He wants very much to do the right thing, to become increasingly strong and capable. Your child wants to be the kind of person you will admire and love.

With all these natural forces are on your side as a parent, you can trust in your child’s feelings and know that you are not alone.

W
HEN
E
MOTION
C
OACHING
I
S
N
OT
A
PPROPRIATE